Tag: Ricky

Annie

Annie… Melissa Villaseñor

Golly… Cecily Strong

Ricky… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the feel good orphan musical, Annie.

[Annie arrives at her new home]

Annie: Wow, wee. I can’t believe this is Mr. Warbuck’s house. It’s so much bigger than the orphanage.

Golly: Well, Mr. Warbucks is the richest man in America. But it’s not just his house anymore, Annie. Now, it’s your house too. And I may be getting ahead of myself but…

[singing] I think you’re gonna like it here

[house cleaners and helpers walk in dancing]

Annie: Golly, who are all these people?

Golly: Staff of course. They’re here to meet your every need.

Ms. May will clean up all your toys.

Ms. May: Make as big of a mess as you want.

Golly: Ms. Fink will make your bed each day.

Ms. Fink: It will be my pleasure.

Golly: Chef Pat is here to cook your meals.

Chef Pat: I’m thinking Lobster Thermidor.

Golly: And we don’t know what Ricky does.

Ricky: Ay, look. I can’t talk about it. Alright? Go someone else.

Golly: Ms. Fin will teach you how to read.

Ms. Fin: You’ll be excellent student.

Golly: Ms. Cob will teach you how to write.

Ms. Cob: You’ll be in shape in no time.

Ricky: And I’m not a creep or anything like that
Hey, welcome to the mansion. Have a tootsie roll.

Annie: I think I’m gonna like it here. Thanks, mister.

Golly: No, no, no. Don’t eat that. What are you doing?

Ricky: I don’t know. I got worried that the kid would think I’m a creep or somthing.

Golly: So you gave her candy from your pocket?

Ricky: Yeah. Look, kid, there’s a simple reason I can’t sing about what I do for Mr. Warbucks. Okay? And the reason is it’s illegal.

Annie: What’s illegal?

Ricky: Has he got money? Not much. You know. Anyway, I’ll get out of her.

Golly: Yeah, please do.

Ms. May will teach you how to swim

Annie: Ms. May?

Ms. May: I clean and swim.

Golly: Ms. Fink will comb your hair each night.

Annie: You will?

Ms. Fink: Yeah, whatever. But you know, since it came up, I would like some answers about what you do here, Ricky.

Ricky: Ah, sweetheart, let’s let sleeping dogs lie, yes?

Ms. Fink: No, no, no. We’ve been intimate with each other. For three, four last time. So talk.

Ricky: I mean, no. Come on. Let’s keep the focus on Amy.

Golly: No. Her name is Annie.

Ricky: Nobody cares, okay? Look, guys, it’s no big deal, okay? Mr. Warbucks and some of his rich friends have a little club, right? Okay? And I provide a service for that club, and in return he pays me 20,000 Gs a week.

Golly: What?

Ms. May: Good god. What the hell kind of club is this, Ricky?

Ricky: It’s nothing. Anyway, [singing] I think you’re gonna love this house.

Let the kid sing. Go on, Amy. Sing.

Annie: Used to room in a tomb, where I’d sit and freeze
look me now, holy cow–

Golly: [interrupting] Sorry, Annie, to break in. I think we’re all uncomfortable. We’d like to know more about this club and what you do for them.

Ricky: Christ! Okay, here’s how it is. Mr. Warbucks and his pals get together every month and have a ceremony where they eat a very rare, very expensive type of meat. I provide that meat.

Annie: Oh god. Are they eating–

Ricky: No, no, no. It’s not what you think, okay? It’s people. They’re already gone, okay? When I get them. Alright? And their families are paid very handsomely for their troubles.

Chef Pat: That’s what I’ve been cooking? I thought that was pork.

Annie: Pork? Yummy! I’d sure like to try that.

Golly: No, no, no.

Ricky: Amy, that’s not for you. Okay. Finish up the song. It’s a great song. I love it.

Golly: Okay. Thank you. Okay. We will.

Golly: We’ve never had a little girl.

Ricky: And neither has Warbucks and his pals, okay? He’s never eaten a kid, okay? All he’s eaten is adult meat. It’s part of a ritual.

All: We have but one request

Ricky: Don’t look in the freezer

All: I think you’re gonna like it her

[Mr. Warbucks walks in]

Mr. Warbucks: My home is your home, Annie. Are we all set for the feast, Ricky?

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Mr. Warbucks: And what will we be eating?

Ricky: Your choice, sir. Italian or Greek?

Mr. Warbucks: Let’s have both. Right this way, gentlemen.

[Four adults wearing masks walk in]

Gemma and Ricky

Vanessa Bayer

Jean… Kenan Thompson

Ricky Diamonds… Benedict Cumberbatch

Jemma… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Vanessa and Jean having dinner at a nice restaurant]

Vanessa: Well, Jean, I have to hand it to you. Atlantic city isn’t all gross. I mean Bobby Flay Steak house? Fancy!

Jean: And? Bobby Flay is your celebrity hall pass.

Vanessa: Jean, you’re not supposed to know that.

Jean: Oh, I’m not judging. Mine is Miller Kunis as Meg from Family Guy.

Vanessa: Fair enough, Mr.

[Vanessa and Jean are hugging] [Ricky Diamonds and Jemma walk in. Ricky Diamonds is wearing leather jacket and has long black hair. Jemma is a very fancy girl.]

Ricky Diamonds: Oh my god, Jean? Of course, my best bro Jean’s getting some hot public action.

Jean: Excuse me?

Ricky Diamonds: Jean, don’t be selfish. Tag your boy in.

Jemma: [strong accent] Babe, I’m not standing right here. I’m Jemma.

Jean: I’m sorry. Who are you again?

Ricky Diamonds: It’s me, Ricky Diamonds. We met in that male body acceptance workshop?

Jean: Oh, right.

Vanessa: Um, what’s a male body acceptance workshop?

Ricky Diamonds: Oh, I had to look at your husband’s junk and tell him what I found beautiful about it.

Jemma: And I’m Jemma.

Ricky Diamonds: Scoot over. We have to catch up.

Vanessa: Oh, you know, we’re just sort of doing like, a date night.

[Ricky Diamonds and Jemma sit in the same booth.]

Ricky Diamonds: Ah! Then you’re gonna love it when you hear what I do. I am a rock n’ roll mentalist. That means I do like, magic to rock n’ roll music. And this is Jemma.

Jemma: I’m British.

Ricky Diamonds: How great is that accent? She sounds like a GPS. Go on. Do it.

Jemma: [acting like GPS] Recalculating. Recalculating.

Jean: Oh. Oh. So–

Ricky Diamonds: How did we meet?

Jemma: We met at the plastic surgeons. We were about to get our tits doen.

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah. Coz I need that good cleavage for my magic shows.

Vanessa: You do?

[Ricky Diamonds gets Vanessa’s hand and makes her feel his chest]

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah, look, here. Feel. Feels real, right? But it’s not. I paid for it. Now feel her’s. [Ricky Diamonds puts Vanessa’s hand on Jemma’s breasts] Feels real too, right?

Jemma: Mine’s not paid for yet. Still got to balance. So, I’m gonna have to give him back. So I’m thinking of doing like, kickstarter. Can I count on you? I need a little bit of help.

Jean: Well, I guess we could chip in a little bit.

Vanessa: Jean!

Ricky Diamonds: Hey, wanna see a trick?

Vanessa: Not really.

Jemma: Yeah, magic. Magic. Do a trick, babe.

Ricky Diamonds: It’s not a trick babe, it’s an illusion. [Ricky Diamonds pulls out a deck of cards] Okay, pick a card. [Vanessa starts following instructions] Any card. And put it back in the deck. Don’t show me. And put the deck in your mouth.

Vanessa: What?

Ricky Diamonds: Now Jean, can you confirm that this is a real gun?

[Ricky Diamonds passes a gun to Jean]

Jean: Yeah. It’s a real gun. And it’s fully loaded.

Vanessa: [with a deck of cards in her mouth] What? Am I going to get shot?

Jean: Oh, no, no. You’re not going to get shot. It’s a trick.

[Jemma puts a napkin on her head covering her face]

Jemma: Okay, so I’m gonna put a napkin on my head, right? I can’t see nothing. Alright, here we go. [Jemma points the gun forward] One, two–

Jean: No, no. You’re aiming at me. One foot to the left.

Vanessa: Hey!

Jemma: Okay.

Jean: It’s a trick, honey!

Jemma: Here we go.

[Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Excuse me. You can’t have guns in here.

Jemma: No, it’s a magic trick.

[The waiter takes away the gun]

Waiter: Yeah, well, I have to take it up front.

Ricky Diamonds: But dude, I’m in a middle of illusion? Would you treat Chris Angel this way?

Waiter: Who?

Ricky Diamonds: Oh my god! What a dumb dork! You don’t know who Chris Angel is? Seriously, you’re a dumb dork, dude!

Jemma: Babe, should I take the napkin off my head now?

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah. Magic’s over. Sorry Jean, Jemma can shoot your wife outside.

Vanessa: Okay. You know, it’s been a long night. So we’re just–

Ricky Diamonds: No, wait. Don’t let that dork ruin my fun. My girl here is a singer.

Jemma: I’m a singer.

Ricky Diamonds: Sing a song, babe.

Jemma: It’s called Magic. Give me a beat, babe.

[Ricky Diamonds starts tapping on the table] [singing] DJ brought the magic last night
casting spells on the dance floor
hypnotize, mesmerize,
magic hat, I know of that
cast a spell, just as well
Harry Potter thinks he’s got a
five, four, three, two, whoop!
She’s gone!

Ricky Diamonds: Babe, if you were trying to get the whole table hard as rock, you succeeded. I know Jean’s hard. I can tell by how he’s squiggling in his seat.

Jean: What? Who is squiggling? Not me.

Vanessa: Hah! You are! You are re-arranging something.

Jean: Well, can’t you just be appreciative that it can still happen?

Vanessa: [smiling] I guess so.

Jemma: Aw, they’re in love again. All because of my song. Five, four, three, two, whoop!

She’s gone!

Hot for Teacher

Miss Daywart… Amy Schumer

Ricky… Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Mom… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Hot for Teacher 8 video bumper] [Cut to Miss Daywart sitting on teacher’s desk in the class]

Miss Daywart: Okay class, that’s all the algebra. Any questions? No? Okay, make sure you study hard this weekend. You’re dismissed.

[The students stand and leave]

But not you, Ricky. You stay. You’re in hot water.

Ricky: Oh, no. Me?

Miss Daywart: Ricky, you failed the test. I can’t believe that stunt you pulled yesterday.

[Ricky stands ]

You need to be taught a lesson. You’re suspended!

Ricky: No, please teacher. I can’t get kicked out of school. I guess I just have an attitude problem.

Miss Daywart: So, you’re saying you wanna do me for better grades? Is that right?

Ricky: I guess I’m gonna have to. School’s too hard for me.

Miss Daywart: And it’s about to get even harder.

[Miss Daywart pulls Ricky and puts him on the teacher’s desk and start touching each other.]

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Miss Daywart. Um, sorry. I know school’s over but I was wondering if we could go over today’s lesson. I’m really struggling.

Miss Daywart: What?

Aidy: Well, in the blackboard it says that we have big test tomorrow. But like, you never mentioned what was on it and I really want to ace it Miss Daywart.

Miss Daywart: Right now, I can’t teach you that. All I can do is teach this bad boy that he can’t get off so easy.

Aidy: Oh, sorry. You’re busy. I guess I’ll just… I’ll study everything. Well, thanks Miss Daywart. You’re my favorite teacher. Bye Miss Daywart. Bye Ricky.

Miss Daywart: Bye.

Ricky: Bye.

[Aidy walks out.] [Cut to Miss Daywart and Ricky]

Miss Daywart: Now Ricky, you’re still in big trouble after that stunt you pulled yesterday. What am I gonna do with you?

Ricky: I have one idea. [Ricky opens his jacket]

Miss Daywart: Ah! I like a look of that. Now let’s get you ready for an oral exam.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Miss Daywart. I wasn’t all the way gone yet and I heard you mention an oral exam?

Miss Daywart: What?

Aidy: Like, is that for everyone? Coz honestly, I’m really not good on my feet. Plus, it’s math so I’d really like to be able to like, work out the problem on paper.

Miss Daywart: Well, the oral exam is for Ricky only, coz he was bad.

Aidy: Whao! Ricky, two tests? That sucks. If you wanna come over later, I can help you study.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, that’s my dad calling. I think he’s trying to pick me up. Bye Miss Daywart. Bye Ricky.

Miss Daywart: Bye.

Ricky: Bye.

[Aidy walks out.] [Cut to Miss Daywart and Ricky]

Miss Daywart: Ricky, if you are long and hard, you can be the big old dick-torian.

Ricky: I would need your help

Miss Daywart: That’s fine. I’m very hands on teacher.

Ricky: Yeah, you are.

Miss Daywart: Yeah, I am.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in again speaking on the phone]

Aidy: Wait, dad? I can’t just walk home. It’s 9 miles on the highway. Okay, I’ll ask. [hangs up the phone] Hey, Ricky, could you maybe give me a ride home? My dad’s stuck at work.

Miss Daywart: He can’t. He is in hot water. Coz he got 68 in his last test. Now I’m gonna show him how to get a 69.

Aidy: Okay, but that’s still a D+.

Miss Daywart: I love Ds.

Aidy: Okay, you’re the teacher. You know, I wanna be a teacher someday, just like you. How did you get this job?

Miss Daywart: I moved to Hollywood when I was 14 and got tricked.

Aidy: That’s so cool.

[Mom walks in]

Mom: There you are. Hi sweetheart. I’m so sorry your dad couldn’t pick you up.

Aidy: That’s okay, mom. this is my algebra teacher I was telling you about.

Mom: Oh my god, Miss Daywart, it is so nice to meet you. Now, I love you black bra. Where did you get that?

Miss Daywart: They just gave it to me and I think I have to give it back if it’s salvageable.

Mom: That is so nice. You know, I was worried about sending my daughter to this new school because it’s just an office building. But she really likes it.

Aidy: Yeah.

Miss Daywart: Well, I like to discipline bad boys and I like to ride them hard.

Mom: That is great. You know, that’s how they’re gonna get into the good colleges.

Miss Daywart: Oh, Ricky’s about to go to FU.

Mom: Fordham University? I went there. Go Rams.

Miss Daywart: Get rammed!

Aidy: Okay, mom. Let’s go. Bye Miss Daywart. Bye Ricky.

[Cut to Aidy and Mom]

Mom: You know, that Ricky is cute.

Aidy: Well, from far away he’s okay, but up close he’s pretty busted.

[Aidy and Mom leave] [Cut to Miss Daywart and Ricky]

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[The End]