Please Don’t Destroy – Road Trip

Jenna: I’ve just been doing a lot of press and these different jobs. Don’t get me wrong. I’m really really grateful. It’s just I’m starting to feel a little burnt out.

John: Oh, that sucks. Martin, are you ready with the playlist?

Martin: Yeah.

Ben: Oh, and I got the Slurpee.

Martin: Dude, nice.

Jenna: I’m sorry. What do you guys doing?

Ben: We’re going on a beautiful cross country American Road Trip.

John: Just us and the open road. It’s gonna be awesome.

Jenna: Wait, can I come?

[music palying]

All: [singing] Hit the open road and catch your ride
arms getting tan on the sunny side
John: I’m on the wheel

Martin: I’m on map

Ben: I’m on snacks

All: And Jenna’s job is to just relax
on a road trip
a great American road trip

we’re going on a road trip
we’re going on a road trip
roll down the windows–

Martin: We missed the exit.

Navigation: Recalculating route.

John: Okay, just look out for the next one. Need a little heads up?

Martin: Yeah. Okay. It’s just full hard doing music and that.

Ben: Price of being shotgun.

John: Yeah, no, no, it’s fine. Just let’s try to focus on Nav, alright?

Martin: Okay. Yeah. Focus on the Nav.

John: Yeah, thanks.

Martin: [in small voice] You’re not in charge of me.

[music playing]

All: Nod to convertibles when they pass
moon a trucker, put your cheeks on the glass
punch when you’re green, punch when you’re red
see a sign that says we’re going to hell
on a road trip
a great American roadtrip-

Ben: [to Jenna] Sorry, can we cool it with the Slurpee for a second? It’s just right in my ear.

Jenna: Oh, yeah, sorry.

Ben: It’s okay. I’m happy to buy everyone a Slurpee, but you’re just sucking on the- [Jenna doesn’t stop slurping] There’s none left.

Jenna: Okay! Can you scoot over? Your leg hair keeps pressing me.

Ben: Yeah, fine. I’ll move my leg.

Jenna: [checking her phone] Did you just Venmo request me for the Slurpee?

Ben: I don’t have any money, so.

[music playing]

All: Going on a road trip
we’re going on a road trip-

Navigation: Recalculating route.

John: We missed the god damn exit again, Martin?

Martin: I’m sorry, man. I’m getting like a ton of texts.

John: Who could you be texting that isn’t in this car right now?

Martin: It was my mom, man. My dad had a stroke.

Ben: I’m so sorry.

Martin: So yeah, [yelling] sorry I’m not focusing on the Nav.


Martin: I don’t know why I said that. He did not have a stroke.

John: Liar.

Ben: C’mon man.

John: Everybody, we’re having quiet time. Read a book or something.

[music playing]

All: Finally time to chill, I can do what I want
Dive into the new Michelle Obama

Jenna: I’m gonna puke.

John: Do not puke in my car, dude.

Jenna: I get carsick from reading.

Margin: Exit coming up in 1.2 miles.

Jenna: Pull over right now.

Ben: Well, you shouldn’t have sucked down that Slurpee so fast.

Jenna: Shut up, Ben.

Martin: 0.3 miles.

John: Mart, that means nothing to me.

Martin: You told me to focus on the Nav.

Jenna: Oh my god, it’s happening.

Martin: No, no, no, no.

[Jenna pukes Slurpee on car window.]

John: God, we’re going home.

[singing] Late at night and I feel so free
everyone’s asleep except for me
big bright moon hanging in the sky
NAV in my lap and-

[John looks back, and then hits a guy crossing the street]

Ben: What just happened?

John: Nothing. Go back to sleep, everybody. Thanks.

[police siren]

Will you turn the AC on?

Martin: Hot or cold?

John: Both.

[The billboard with Jesus’s picture talks to John]

Jesus: I saw what you did.

All: On a road trip..