Hollywood Squares

Tom Bergeron… Beck Bennett

Cammi… Aidy Bryant

Robert… Chris Redd

Baby Spice… Anya Taylor-Joy

Bill Cosby… Kenan Thompson

Jeff Dunham… Mikey Day

Mary-Kate… Chloe Fineman

Ashley Olsen… Heidi Gardner

Jared Fogle… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with GSN show schedule]

Female voice: GSN Retro Night continues at nine with 1971 episode of ‘Name That Tune’ followed by a 1953 episode of ‘Guess Her Weight’. But up next, a 1998 episode of Hollywood Squares.

[cut to the show stage]

Tom Bergeron: I’m Tom Bergeron. Welcome to Hollywood Squares. Our contestants today are Cami and Robert. [cheers and applause] And let’s say hello to our Hollywood celebrities.

[there are nine celebrities in the game]
[cheers and applause]

The game is simple. It’s Tic-tac-toe. Three in a row wins. Robert, you won the coin toss back stage. Pick a square.

Robert: I don’t like her music but I like the way she looks. Let’s go with Baby Spice.

Baby Spice: Yeah! Girl power, baby!

Tom Bergeron: Alright, Baby Spice, according to a recent survey of American students, what’s the least popular school subject.

Baby Spice: What school? I’m just a little baby. Kidding. Let’s say maths.

Robert: I’ll agree.

Tom Bergeron: Wise choice. It’s math. X gets the square. Cammy, pick a square.

Cammi: Okay, well, this is an easy one. Who doesn’t love this man? I am going with the center square America’s Dad, Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby: Look at me. I’m in the square.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: In light of recent revelations concerning Bill Cosby, King World Productions has chosen to omit him from this rebroadcast. We rejoing the show after Mr. Cosby’s segment.

[cut to Tom Bergeron, Cammi and Robert laughing hard]

Tom Bergeron: Holy smokes. No one’s better than Bill Cosby. Best of all time. Okay, Cammi, Bill Cosby said Lacrosse is America’s oldest sport. Agree or disagree?

Cammi: One thing’s for sure, I trust Bill Cosby. Agree!

Tom Bergeron: Good instinct. Circle gets the square.

Baby Spice: Sorry, Tommy, can I just say to Mr. Cosby that I am such a huge fan and I admire you so–

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: At the personal request of Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton, her comments have been omitted from this rebroadcast.

[cut back to the stage]

Tom Bergeron: Wow, those were very kind words. Okay, Robert, pick a square.

Robert: Let’s go with Ventriloquist. Jeff Dunham and Jose Jalapeno.

Jeff Dunham: Hey, we’re thrilled to be here. Say hello, Jose.

[Jose is a puppet]
[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Due to evolving societal standards on race, Kind World Productions has omitted all footage of Mr. Dunham providing voices for puppets of different ethnicities, including: Jose the Jalapeno, De’Shawn the piece of cornbread and Tan Yan the horniest man in Japan.  We’ll resume the game after Mr. Dunham’s material.

[cut back to the game stage]

Tom Bergeron: And X gets the square. Those were some funny puppets.

Robert: I didn’t love the voice Jeff did for DeShawn the cornbread.

Jeff Dunham: Hey, don’t look at me. That was him.

Robert: Nah, it was you.

Tom Bergeron: Cammi?

Cammi: Well, I love them on Full House. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: You got it, dude.

Tom Bergeron: Mary Kate and Ashley’s latest directed video movie ‘Oops we recently flew to Paris’ is in stores now. Anyone seen it? I see Mr. Skinny himself, Jared Fogle is nodding.

Jared Fogle: I loved the movie so good.

Tom Bergeron: Did you bring the pants, Jared?

Jared Fogle: Oh, yeah. Can you believe I used to wear these? You could fit both Olsen twins in here.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: In light of Jared Fogle’s crimes, the decision to place his square right next to the Olsen’s is unfortunate and therefore both squared have been omitted from this rebroadcast.

[Cut back to the stage]

Tom Bergeron: Alright. Circle gets the square.

Baby Spice: Sorry, can I just say what jared Fogle has done is incredible. And I’d like to give him a round of applause. Really–

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Representatives for Emma ‘Baby Spice’ Bunton want to be clear that she was applauding Mr. Fogle’s weight loss and not his heinous crimes.

Tom Bergeron: Just a reminder, our secret square is still unclaimed. Let’s tell the folks at home which star can nab you some bonus cash.

Female voice: The secret square is Matt Lauer.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Who has been omitted from this broadcast.

[Cut back to the stage]

Tom Bergeron: Okay, Robert, you pick.

Robert: I take Kevin Spacey.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Due to the problematic nature of most of our squares, the remainder of this episode has been omitted from the re-broadcast.

[Cut back to the stage, Tom Bergeron is with Cammi]

Tom Bergeron: Well, congrats to our winner, Cammy, who’s taking home a Subaru Outback. Say goodbye, Squares.

SoulCycle at Home

Phoenix… Cecily Strong

Lee… Bowen Yang

Korona… Ego Nwodim

Toyota… Chris Redd

Robert… Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with “Soulcycle Virtual Workouts” intro] [Cut to Phoenix in her home]

Phoenix: Welcome. Welcome. My name is Phoenix, as in the University of… Soulcycle’s closed right now. So, we put together this live stream with the trainer fan. We may not have bikes, but that won’t stop us from charging you to watch us working out. Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee in his home]

Lee: Wad up, wad up, Soulcycle computer? They call me Lee, short for Harvey Oswald. It’s crazy to think that people could be watching this anywhere to Los Angeles to California. I’ve been hearing a lot about squatters, right? So, let’s get ’em. [starts squatting] Always try to keep a positive attitude. I moved to New York two days before quarantine. Shoutout to my roommate who catfished me. He ain’t no leggy blonde, but it’s his personality I fell in love with. Let’s go!

[Cut to Korona in her home]

Korona: My name is Korona with the K. I’m always overcoming adversity. When I was little, they told me I was pretty enough to act like not model. So, I joined tiktok where I do neither. Let’s go!

[Cut to Toyota in his home]

Toyota: I am Toyota. And I hear a lot of people talking about antibodies. Ah! Pro body. Quarantine, day two, let’s go!

[Cut to Robert in his home]

Robert: I am Robert, like, Julia Robert. And I’m good vibes only. Who do I stay home for? Me! Because I’m quarantined and on house arrest. Two birds, let’s go!

[Cut to Heidi in her home]

Heidi: What’s up? I’m Molly. Sorry, I’m on Molly. I’m not gonna get COVID-19 coz I’m 22. Liberate Michigan, let’s go!

[Heidi is working out]

Wow! It’s burning now.

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: This pandemic has affected everyone. Coachella, cancelled. South by south west, cancelled. Bill Cosby, cancelled. How dare? We need doctors right now. Let’s push!

[Cut to Toyota]

Toyota: Commit to what you start! [sits on his couch] I ain’t finishing ‘ozark.’ Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: I’m on a juice cleanse right now. Corox juice. Eat clean!

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: This one’s called the bow and arrow. [stretching the resistant band] It’s gonna go way back! [the resistant band hits her cheek] Oh! Oww!

[Cut to Korona]

Korona: My mantra, eat, pray, pray. That’s right. I’m not and religious. It’s a trap. Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: Just because we’re in quarantine doesn’t mean we can’t connect, meet up, go to the beach, hug, touch, kiss an old guy on the mouth at the mall. Let’s go!

[Cut to Phoenix]

Phoenix: I just got word that our positive attitude and good bodies cured coronavirus. [wears her glasses] Oh, wait. Oh, no. Sorry. Rooter’s Steakhouse is delivering. Ah!

Stargazing

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

Robert… Beck Bennett

Kristen Stewart

[Starts with five people on their stargazing hike.]

Mikey: All right, folks, I know the stargazing hike has been long.

Aidy: And fun as hell.

Alex: Yeah, we love this stuff.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And I love this energy. But hey, how about this view? Not bad, huh?

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: Oh, yeah, this is a beautiful spot. You can see so much of the sky.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Exactly. That’s what makes so special. You can see so many constellations out here. So, let’s check it out?

[An elderly couple comes near them]

Robert: Oh! What a marvelous view. I can already see some of my favorites.

Mikey: Wow, I didn’t know we had an astronomy buff in the group.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Robert was in the navy. He says he always loves to sleep on the deck under the stars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Wow, yeah, I bet that was quite the view.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Oh, it was. We saw so much in that night sky.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: Hey, can we see the big dipper from here?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, actually I was just about to point that out. Just follow my finger, guys.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Oh, my god, that’s amazing. I love the constellations.

Alex: Yeah, yeah, the universe is just so amazing.

Robert: And look here, young man. Let me show the little dipper.

Alex: Whoa. Very cool. Thank you, sir.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: If you look closely, you see that the two dippers teach the golden rule.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Really, I’ve never heard that.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Aidy: Yeah, how did they teach the golden rule?

Robert: Golden rule, treat others how we would like to be treated, see?

[Cut to everybody] [They draw a sexual position through constellation]

And see, they’re servicing each other.

Mikey: Oh, my god. Is that—Is that supposed to be—

Robert: Double simultaneous oral.

Alex: Yes. Gross. The dippers aren’t doing that.

Kristen: Oh, yes, they are. And they have been ever since I was a girl.

Robert: Yeah, I mean what do they even teach kids anymore?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, definitely not that the dippers are servicing each other.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Boo, crude virgin.

[Cut to everybody]

Mikey: Alright, that’s enough with the dippers, I think.

Aidy: Yeah, yeah, why don’t we look at something else?

Mikey: Yeah, well, if you look here, I’ll show you the constellation Leo. You guys see the lion?

Kristen: Ah. Yes, yes. But if we look closer we can learn a valuable lesson here.

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

Robert: The greatest joy in life comes from helping a friend in need.

Mikey: Oh, my god. Come on, that’ disgusting.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Disgusting? Sucks to be his wife.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, I’m not married.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Oh, I think I know why.

Kristen: You don’t go down. Am I right, ladies?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Oh, oh, no. We’re more like him than you, okay?

Robert: Oh, look. I see Scorpius right over here.

Mikey: Yes, that’s actually right. You guys see how it’s a scorpion?

Robert: Oh, I see much more than that.

Aidy: Oh, please don’t. This one’s my favorite.

Robert: Mine too, see? It teaches an important lesson about the strength of partnership.

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

Mikey: Is that—

Kristen: a man trying to reach himself, yes.

Mikey: What does that have to do with the strength of partnership?

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Because of no matter how hard a man tries, he’ll never be able to reach himself. For that kind of satisfaction, you need a partner.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Well, this sucks. Constellations are what I live for. And you horny old freaks have ruined it.

Alex: Yeah, you guys just look up at night and perv out on the stars?

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Well, that’s what they’re for.

Robert: You see, in our day there was no internet to satiate our horns.

Kristen: We had to project our fantasies onto the stars.

Robert: Yes, we’d go outside as a group and stare at the stars until everyone screamed.

Kristen: Sweet husband, I—I want to scream at the stars right now.

Robert: I want to help you scream at the stars.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: What the hell is happening? My god!

Mikey: Right here? No one wants to see that.