Tag: Robert De Niro

Tina Fey Audience Questions Monologue

Tina Fey

Jerry Seinfeld

Benedict Cumberbatch

Chris Rock

Robert De Niro

Fred Armisen

Anne Hathaway

Donald Glover

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey.

[Tina Fey walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Thank you, guys. It is so great to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live. We’ve had a lovely time here this week. In fact, I realized it’s been 20 years since I started working here. [cheers and applause] Yeah. And I got here on Monday. And people in the crew came up to me in the studio and said, “Welcome home.” And it just made me feel so bad that I didn’t remember their names.

Also, kind of exciting, yesterday was my birthday. [cheers and applause] Yeah. I turned 60. No. Not really. I just say that so that people will be like, “Wow! You look amazing.” And since it is my birthday this week, they said that I could do anything I wanted for my monologue, so I would like to take some questions from the audience. So, does anybody have a question? Yes, you sir.

Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, hi. I have a question. [cheers and applause] Do you think the show has too many celebrity cameos these days? Because I’m worried the cast isn’t getting a chance to grow.

Tina Fey: Um, yeah. I agree. Actually, I think it kind of hurts the show a little bit. Thank you. Um, yes, you sir.

Beck Bennett: Um, yes–

Tina Fey: [interrupting] No, sir, I’m pointing at the man behind you.

[Beck Bennett walks away. Benedict Cumberbatch is behind him.]

[cheers and applause]

Benedict Cumberbatch: Yeah. Is Kenan Thompson gonna be on the show tonight?

Tina Fey: Um, yeah. Kenan will definitely be on the show tonight.

Benedict Cumberbatch: He’s great. But have you ever thought about replacing Kenan with a slightly more famous person? It could be fun.

Tina Fey: Ah! I don’t think that’s been suggested. But I’ll pass it along. Thank you. Yes, anyone else? Uh, yes! Right over there, sir.

Chris Rock: Ah! Never mind. [cheers and applause] He already asked my question. [pointing at Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tina Fey: Oh! Yes, you, sir.

Robert De Niro: Yeah, I just wanted to ask [cheers and applause] with all of the make up, I mean, could you tell that I was Robert Mueller?

Tina Fey: Yes, Mr. De Niro, we knew that was you. Yeah.

Rovert De Niro: Okay. Okay. That’s a relief because this could be, you know, a big break for me.

Tina Fey: Yes. Oh! Yes, hey. it’s Fred Armisen. Okay.

[cheers and applause]

Fred Armisen: Hi, Tina. I have  question. Do you think it’s weird that so many former cast members hang around the show all the time?

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah. It just seem to be a lot of us. But I don’t know. Does it seem weird to you?

Fred Armisen: No. I think it’s great!

Tina Fey: Yeah, but doesn’t a part of you feel like, “Oh, when we come back we take up time that should go to new people on the show?”

Fred Armisen: You know what? That’s a good point. I guess we shouldn’t take up all that time that the new people could be using. You look great, by the way.

Tina Fey: Oh, thanks. You look great too.

Fred Armisen: Thank you. I’m on this whole new program. I’m walking a lot. And I’m trying to do more of regular sleep schedule. I’m drinking a lot of juice.

Tina Fey: Sounds really healthy, Fred.

Fred Armisen: It’s so important. Next time you’re in LA, I’m gonna take you to my juice guy. He’s Brazilian. He only speaks Portuguese. He does this thing where he puts a lot of the pulp in the juices so you get more of the fiber. Otherwise, you know, you’re just getting the sugar and the water. And that’s not enough. The fiber is what your body really wants. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. The new people. They should get more camera time. Yeah.

Tina Fey: Yeah. Oh, yes. Over here.

Anne Hathaway: Hi. [cheers and applause] So, that was actually Robert De Niro?

Tina Fey: Um, yes. Yes, it was.

Anne Hathaway: [gesturing her mind blown] Wow!

Tina Fey: Yes! Another guest, over here.

Jerry Seinfeld: Hi, yeah. Me again. How come you haven’t asked me to play anyone from the news? I literally live down the street.

Tina Fey: Yeah. That’s a great question. I don’t know why they haven’t asked you to play someone from the news. I’m not in charge of that.

Jerry Seinfeld: I mean, what about Steve Mnuchin? People say I look a little bit like him.

Tina Fey: Do you want to play Steve Mnuchin?

Jerry Seinfeld: I don’t know who he is, but if I look like him, you know? Give me something to do.

Tina Fey: Okay. Well, there’s a sign up sheet in the hall. Anybody else? Oh, yeah.

Donald Glover: Yeah. Hey. [cheers and applause] I was here a couple of weeks ago and I forgot my hat. I think I left it in the host dressing room.

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah. I think I saw that. I’ll try to get that back to you.

Donald Glover: Okay, cool. But just so you know, I have this system in place. So I’ll be able to tell if you wore it or not. So…

Tina Fey: Okay. Well, if there are no other questions, then I guess we are done.

[Tracy Morgan walks on stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tracy Morgan: No, we are not, Tina. Well, if you thought I was gonna forget to surprise you on your birthday, you are crazy. On behalf of everyone here and everyone watching at home, or at a bus station, happy birthday Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Aw, thank you Tracy. My birthday was actually yesterday though.

Tracy Morgan: No surprise, girl. If your man isn’t making you feel special today, I will. If your man isn’t giving you what you need today, I will.

Tina Fey: Okay, Tracy. You’re friends with my husband, Jeff. You worked together for a long time.

Tracy Morgan: Nah! When it’s birthday, all bets are off. You’re 60, baby. That’s gross, but I love you.

Tina Fey: I love you too, Tracy. We have a great show for you tonight. Tracy, you know who’s here?

Tracy Morgan: Who?

Tina Fey: Nicki Minaj is here.

[cheers and applause]

Tracy Morgan: Nicki Minaj is here?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, I’mma get that pregnant.

Tina Fey: Alright. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Donald Trump Robert Mueller Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Waitress… Heidi Gardner

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with Donald Trump walking into a Holsten’s Restaurant in Bloomfield, NJ. He takes a seat and a waitress comes to him.]

Waitress: Oh, my god. Mr. President. Welcome. Is it just you?

Donald Trump: No, I’m meeting some friends.

Waitress: Okay. Great. [passing Donald Trump the menu] Well, let me know if you have any questions.

Donald Trump: I do, actually. Is HPV different than HIV?

Waitress: I’ll give you a minute.

[Donald Trump looks at the small jukebox on his table. He puts a coin and plays music.]

[Rudy Giuliani walks in and takes seat on the same booth.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hey.

Donald Trump: Hey.

Rudy Giuliani: How are you doing?

Donald Trump: So, Rudy, did you go on FOX News last night?

Rudy Giuliani: Like, 20 times, yeah. Don’t worry, I told them that you are openly colluding with Russia but then I ended with, “So what?” It should all be fine. Yeah.

Donald Trump: Thanks, Rudy.

Rudy Giuliani: I even confessed to some crimes you didn’t do. And then I said, “What are you gonna do? Arrest the president? I dare you. Ah!”

Donald Trump: Okay! I think they get the point. [Donald Trump holds Rudy Giuliani’s hands] Rudy, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.

Rudy Giuliani: Hey, you’re the best client I’ll ever have.

[Michael Cohen walks in and takes seat on the same booth.]

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, there’s my guy.

Rudy Giuliani: So, how was work today?

Michael Cohen: Ah! You know, really bad. Mostly just prepared to go to jail and stuff. He said I might get 20 years unless I give you up.

Donald Trump: I’ve heard jail’s fun.

Michael Cohen: Fun?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Just like camp. Plus there’s free gym. Dude, you’re going to get so jacked.

Rudy Giuliani: They’re giving up programs in jail where you can get a real law degree. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael Cohen: Well, you can always come visit.

Donald Trump: I would but golf.

Michael Cohen: Anyway, you got to focus on the good times. Isn’t that what you once told me boss?

Donald Trump: I did?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. Remember? That’s why you told me to keep a copy of that Russian Pee-tape.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I gotta remember the show that is on clip on CNN tomorrow. Don Lemon’s gonna love that.

Donald Trump: Yeah. [Donald Trump holds Michael Cohen’s hand] Hey, whatever happens, I’m proud of you, Michael.

Michael Cohen: Thanks. I love you too.

Donald Trump: I didn’t say that.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks in.]

Don Jr.

[Donald Trump Jr. takes seat in the same booth.]

So, where is Eric?

Donald Trump Jr.: He is still parallel parking outside.

[Cut to Eric trying to park his tricycle.]

[Cut back to inside the restaurant]

Donald Trump: You know, I couldn’t think of three people I’d rather be here with tonight. A best son and two of my last 15 lawyers.

Michael Cohen: Hey, [raising his glass of soda] to a great first year of the Russian investigation.

Rudy Giuliani: And many more.

[They all raise their glasses]

[Robert Mueller walks in and takes seat in another booth.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad, maybe tomorrow I can show you that Chinese deal we didn’t talk about.

Donald Trump: Yeah, yeah. That sounds great. [whispering] Is that Robert Mueller?

Michael Cohen: Oh, and good news. You know that woman who is suing you for groping in defaming her? I found a guy who is willing to threaten her kids.

Donald Trump: Yeah, that sounds great, Michael. [whispering] Am I the only one that sees that guy? [pointing at Robert Mueller]

Rudy Giuliani: And hey, hey, I think I figured out a loophole where they can’t legally subpoena you. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘faking your own death?’

Donald Trump: Uh, yeah, sure. Rudy, we can look into that for sure.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad, are you okay?

[Robert Mueller walks pass them and points at Donald Trump. Nobody sees him except Donald Trump.]

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Meet the Parents Cold Open

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Assistant… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro.

[Starts with Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence in the office of Department of Justice, Washington, DC.]

Jeff Sessions: I don’t know, Mr. Vice President. I feel like I say this every week but this week was bad. I’m beginning to regret my wish to become a real boy. I toss and turn in my shoebox all night wondering what’s FBI gonna do next?

Mike Pence: I know. I know. We’re in a real pickle here, Jeff. And you know how uncomfortable I am around pickles.

Jeff Sessions: Yes. I can’t believe they raided Michael Cohen’s office. What are we gonna do, Mike?

Mike Pence: The important thing ti s to stay calm. In couple of months, the president will be back to normal.

Jeff Sessions: How’s that?

Mike Pence: Coz it will be me.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, that’s good. That’s good.

[Assistant walks in the door]

Assistant: Excuse me, Mr. Sessions.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Are they here for us? [raising his both hands up] I’ll go peacefully.

Assistant: No. It’s not the police. The president’s lawyer, Michael Cohen is here to see you.

Jeff Sessions: Oh! Finally. By all means, send him in.

[Michael Cohen walks in]

Michael Cohen: Hey. Hey. How you doing? That’s right, it’s Michael Cohen, attorney at law. You know. sometimes also not in law.

Jeff Sessions: Mr. Cohen, this situation is out of hand.

Michael Cohen: I know. Can you believe what they’re doing to poor Mr. Trump? It’s a disgrace. This whole raid was a complete violation of attorney criminal privilege.

Mike Pence: Well, if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to worry about.

Michael Cohen: Is that a joke? Look, we got a real problem here, Jeff. You know how much evidence I have in my office? I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer. I got a whole hard drive that’s just labelled “Yanks.”

Mike Pence: I have to say, some of these allegations against you are quite disturbing, Mr. Cohen. Like, how you paid $1.6 million for a top republican mistress to have an abortion.

Michael Cohen: Yeah. 1.6 million for your abortion. Thank you Obamacare! This is all your fault, Jeff. You shouldn’t have recused yourself. You should have protected Mr. Trump. He’s a fragile flower. And he also happens to be the smartest, kindest, sexiest, least colluding man on this planet which I call earth.

Jeff Sessions: [whispering to Mike Pence] Okay, he’s just a fool dumb, dumb now. [to Michael Cohen] Michael, the reason we brought you here today is that there’s someone who would like to speak with you.

Michael Cohen: Oh, great! Who?

Mike Pence: Don’t worry about it. He’s down the hall waiting for you.

Jeff Sessions: And remember, whatever happens, you have our full support, okay? So, right this way. [walking Michael Cohen out] Thank you so much. Thank you for coming in. [Michael Cohen walks out] I cannot wait to see that little dummy burn.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence do the high-five.]

[Cut to Michael Cohen walking into the interrogation room. There’s a polygraph machine on the table.]

Michael Cohen: What is this place?

[Robert Mueller walks in from another door.]

Robert Mueller: Looking for something, Mr. Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Robert Mueller?

Robert Mueller: Why don’t you have a seat, Mr. Cohen? [Robert Mueller gives the wires of polygraph machine to Michael Cohen] Here, put these on. You’ve ever used a lie detector before?

Michael Cohen: I feel like I have.

Robert Mueller: Great!

Michael Cohen: Look. I want you to know I will gladly go to jail to protect Mr. President Trump.

Robert Mueller: Just relax, Mr. Cohen. If you’re innocent, you have nothing to worry about. I’ll start with some easy ones. How’d you like that peepee tape?

Michael Cohen: What?

Robert Mueller: I’m kidding. Relax. We’ll get to that later. Is your name Michael Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Yes.

Robert Mueller: And you’re a lawyer?

Michael Cohen: Ish.

Robert Mueller: Did you have– did you make a payment of $130,000 to Stormy Daniels?

Michael Cohen: Yes.

Robert Mueller: Did president Trump know about it?

Michael Cohen: No.

[Polygraph machine starts making noise]

Robert Mueller: I think you’re lying.

Michael Cohen: It was supposed to be a surprise for Stormy. Like a gift.

Robert Mueller: A gift?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. A gift. Like rock you throw through a window with a note tied to it that says “Stop talking.”

Robert Mueller: So you threaten people?

Michael Cohen: Directly? No. But, let’s just say I’ve cut a lot of letters out of a lot of a magazines. I was just trying to milk some information out of people. So what?

Robert Mueller: Did you say milk?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. Like, with a cow or a goat or a… cat. I mean, you can milk anything with nipples.

Robert Mueller: Really? I have nipples. Can you milk me, Mr. Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Look, Mr. Mueller, this entire Russian investigation is a witch hunt and your whole team is prejudiced against the president.

Robert Mueller: Not true. In fact, we use code names so personal feelings never come in to it.

Michael Cohen: Yeah? What’s president Trump’s code name?

Robert Mueller: It used to be Putin’s little bitch. Now, it’s Stormy’s little bitch.

Michael Cohen: What about Ivanka’s code name?

Robert Mueller: Girlfriend.

Michael Cohen: Jared Kushner?

Robert Mueller: Other girlfriend.

Michael Cohen: Don Jr. and Eric?

Robert Mueller: Two fradles.

Michael Cohen: What about my code name?

Robert Mueller: Dead man walking.

Michael Cohen: Look, I don’t have to take this from you. I have rights.

Robert Mueller: Now, you listen to me you little weasel. I don’t know what rights you think you have. You broke the law. And now we’re gonna catch all you little fakers, you got that?

Michael Cohen: Okay. Okay. But I will tell you this.

Michael Cohen and Robert Mueller: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Don’t Stop Me Now | Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 21

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant… Sarah Sanders

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a seal of President of the United States]

Announcer: And now, a message from the president of the United States.

[Cut to Donald Trump in his office]

Donald Trump: hank you. Thank you very much. I’m very excited about summer, getting around that those things I never have time for. Golf, visiting friends in prison and enjoying all the fantastic new tariffs with China. It’s been an incredible year for our economy. Our American economy is on fire. I’m going to tell you if it’s a fire that keeps you warm or burns your house to the ground. But it’s some kind of fire. So, I’m on cruise control to a second term and there’s nothing the democrats in congress can do about it. So sit back and enjoy the ride, America, because tonight, well,

[music playing]

Tonight, I’m going to have a real good time.

[Melania Trump joins and sits on the desk]

Melania Trump: He feels alive.

Donald Trump: And the world I’ll turn it inside out, yeah!

[Mike Pence joins and sits on the desk]

Mike Pence: And float around in ecstasy

Melania Trump and Mike Pence:  So don’t stop him now

Everybody: Don’t stop him

cause he’s having a good time

having a good time

[Sarah Sanders joins and sits on the desk]

Sarah Sanders: He’s a loose cannon rippin’ up the laws of society

you can’t subpoena him

he’s gonna obstruct

Melania Trump: He’s a billionaire unless you take a look at his tax returns

He’s going to hide, hide, hide, oh there’s no showing you

Donald Trump: I’m burning every page

picking every fight

Melania Trump: That’s why they call him Mr. Bad Advice

cause he listen to the Fox News guys

Mike Pence: I want to make a super straight man out of you

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having such a good time

Donald Trump: I’m having a ball!

Sarah Sanders: Having a ball!

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

you wanna huge distraction

[Kanye West joins with his arms around Donald Trump’s shoulders]

Kanye West: Just give Yeezy a call man!

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

We don’t wanna stop at all.

[Clarence Thomas comes in]

Clarence Thomas: Yes, the supreme court ready for a fight on abortion

we got the votes now

women are screwed

[Clarence Thomas leaves]

Melania Trump: It was an issue you thought got resolved 50 years ago

but no, no, no

All men are still in control

Donald Trump: I’m searching bible guide now

Melania Trump: he’s throwing stones

and he lives in a big glass house

He cheated on every spouse

Mike Pence: I want to make a chik-fil-a man out of you

[Rudy Giuliani joins]

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Wonderful wall.

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Do you guys like tariffs?

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Hundred bucks for a tomato?

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: I ain’t sweatin’ it

[Rudy Giuliani is playing a guitar solo]

Sarah Sanders: Oh he’s throwing out the lies, yeah

Donald Trump: One tweet at a time.

Melania Trump: And he’s got the best and brightest guys

that’s why most of them are serving time

Mike Pence: I want to make a crazy sexy man out of you

[music stops]

Melania Trump: Mike, no. What are you doing?

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, the queen music gets me all riled up.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump join everybody]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey dad, why weren’t we invited to sing?

Eric Trump: Yeah.

Donald Trump: Son, and Eric. I’m sorry I forgot about you guys.

Eric Trump: Well, I want to sing the song too.

Donald Trump: All right, Eric, go ahead.

[music playing]

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Eric Trump: It’s time to play the music

it’s time to light the lights

It’s time to meet the muppets on the muppet show tonight

[music stops]

[Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: All right. Let’s wrap this up. The NBA finals are coming up. I need to invite the three white players over for McDonald’s.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Wait a second. [Cheers and applause] I have something very important to say to the American people. Something they need to hear. [Donald Trump interrupts]

Donald Trump: No collusion, no obstruction.

[music playing]

So, don’t stop me now

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: we’re having such a good time

Sarah Sanders: Just try and impeach

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

Sarah Sanders: We might even get rid of freedom of speech

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

don’t stop us

we’re having a good time

we don’t want to stop at all

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys, it’s been fun. I don’t know what’s next for me, but I wouldn’t be Donald Trump if I didn’t say tune in next season to see who lives and who dies.

[Rudy Giuliani interrupts] Spoiler, I live. I live for another 150 years. And the iron throne will be mine.

Donald Trump: Have a wonderful summer, America.

[Cut to Everybody]

Everybody: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

It’s a Wonderful Trump Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 9

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Clarence… Kenan Thompson

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne… Kate McKinnon

Donald Jr. Trump… Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Melania… Cecily Strong

Hernia… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Mike Pense… Beck Bennett

Brett Kavanaugh… Matt Damon

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a black and white video clip of bell ringing] [Cut to address board saying ‘You are in Washington, D.C.’][Cut to video clips of White House office]

Unknown speaker 1: And lord, please help Donald Trump. He’s not a good man, but he is in trouble.

Unknown speaker 2: Joseph, Jesus and Mary, help Mr. Trump tonight. He’s a nightmare, but he’s all I got.

Melania: Please send an angel to help my Donald tonight. Oh, and I would also like a Cartier watch, thank you.

[Cut to Donald Trump coming out to the balcony]

Donald Trump: Well, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I might actually eat a salad and explode.

[Clarence walks to Donald Trump]

Clarence: What seems to be trouble, Donald?

Donald Trump: Who are you? Stay back.

Clarence: Relax, I mean you no harm. My name is Clarence. And I was send here from heaven. I heard you are in trouble.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s awful. Everything is falling apart. Sometimes I wish I had never been president.

Clarence: A world where you were never president, hey? I think we can arrange that.

[Cut to intro of ‘It’s a Wonderful Trump’]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence walk into the room full of people]

Donald Trump: Wow! Everyone looks so different. What are those things on their faces?

Clarence: Those are called smiles.

[Sarah walks to Donald Trump]

Sarah: Hey, Mr. Trump, [Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump] I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.

Donald Trump: It’s President Trump, Sarah.

Sarah: Oh, that’s a good one! Seriously though, I just wanted to thank you for suggesting I go into PR. I’ve made so much money working for so many awesome companies like Facebook and Ashley Madison and The Romaine Lettuce Association. Merry Christmas Donald. [Sarah leaves]

Donald Trump: Wait, Sarah isn’t my press secretary?

Clarence:  I told you, Donald. You don’t have a press secretary. Because you weren’t elected president.

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Yeah, hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, my god, you look incredible! So healthy and vibrant.

Kellyanne: Actually that’s because I’m actually no longer eaten from within by lies. And after we lost the campaign, the devil did give me my soul back. So, excuse me, [Cut to Kellyanne] I have to go find my husband, who I do speak to now. [Kellyanne leaves]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wait, so Hillary is president?

Clarence: That’s right. In this reality, all she had to do to win was visit Wisconsin once.

Donald Trump: But, did they find her e-mails?

Clarence: They did. They were all bed, bath and beyond coupons.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric walks to Donald Trump]

Don Jr.: Hello, father.

Donald Trump: Oh, my sons, [Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence] my boys, Don Jr. and Eric. Eric is that a Rubik’s cube?

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: And finito, haha. That’s Italiano for finished.

[Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What the hell is happening with Eric?

Don Jr.: Well, since Eric does not run the entire Trump Organization, he was able to attend adult education classes.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: Merry Christmas, father. Or as they say in Spanish, Feliz Nasty-dad.

Don Jr.: You got a way to go buddy. [Don Jr. and Eric leave]

[Melania walks to Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, so nice to see you. How are you?

Donald Trump: Melania, what happened to your accent?

[Cut to Melania]

Melania: Oh, I lost it after we got divorced. They said being around you all the time was hurting my language skills.

[Cut to Melania and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you’re still smocking hot! Are you holding up okay?

Melania: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cut to Melania] I have a huge real estate empire now. I figured if Donald can do it, anyone can do it. And I’m happily remarried to Papa John.

[Hernia walks near Melania][Cut to Hernia, Melania, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: And who is this woman?

Melania: Oh, don’t you recognize her? She’s your new wife Hernia.

Clarence: Yeah, she was a suitcase girl in the Serbian version of “Deal or No Deal”.

[Cut to Hernia and Melania]

Hernia: It’s called “Potato or No Potato”. And I did this. [Gesturing as if she’s opening something and moving her lips as saying “potato”.]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Jackpot.

Clarence: I’ll say. I’m an angel. But I ain’t no angel. You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Cohen walks to Donald Trump and hugs him]

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, Merry Christmas!

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, shouldn’t you be in jail after you flipped on me?

Michael Cohen: What? I would never, ever flip on you. [Cut to Michael Cohen] You’re my best friend. And since it’s Christmas, I just want to say, you taught me everything I know.

Donald Trump: Oh, come on, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: No, it’s true. Every single thing I’ve done is because [Cut to Michael Cohen] you directed me to do it. And I hope everyone knows it. We’re a team like O.J. and Kato, or Lyle and Erik Menendez.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, Merry Christmas, Michael.

Michael Cohen: And I’ll see you tomorrow at the grand opening of Trump Tower Moscow!

[Michael Cohen leaves]

[Music starts playing]

Donald Trump: Wait, what’s that music?

Clarence: Mike Pense is deejaying.

[Cut to Mike Pense deejaying]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Mike, is that what you’re doing now?

[Cut to Mike Pense]

Mike Pense: Oh, hell yeah, dog. It’s so great to be myself. Thank god I was never your vice president. I would just be sitting in meetings with you and Pelosi and Schumer just staring out in space imagining this. [Mike Pense starts dancing]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow. So everyone is better off without me being president.

Clarence: Well, not just them. You’re better off too.

[Cut to a doctor standing beside Donald Trump]

Doctor: Oh, my god, Donald. Your hair, it worked!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What is she talking about?

Clarence: Well, this is a Muslim immigrant from Syria. She was allowed to come to America. And she discovered a permanent solution for hair loss.

Donald Trump: My god, it’s all real. If there’s no Muslim ban, what about a potential terrorist attack?

Clarence: Well, it was foiled by a team of transgender NAVY S.E.A.L.S.

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh walking in]

Brett Kavanaugh: All right, when is the party getting started? Whew!

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Brett Kavanaugh, how is the supreme court?

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh]

Brett Kavanaugh: Me on the supreme court? With my temperament, are you insane? No, they went with that nerd Merrick Garland. But on the plus side when I tell people I like beer, they find it charming and not like I’m threatening violence. Plus, I have so much more time now to hang out with P.J. and Squee and Needle Dick Nick and no means yes Nate. [Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence] Hey, I brought a little present for you. It’s a calendar. And every day is a different beer.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Brett.

Brett Kavanaugh: Merry Christmas, everyone. Let’s do this! [Brett Kavanaugh leaves]

Donald Trump: But Clarence, what about my agenda, all of the things I wanted to accomplish as president?

Clarence: Well, that’s the best part about not being president. You can still say the same stuff, build a wall, bring back coal. But you don’t have to deal with the fact that all of your ideas are impractical or insane. So Americans love you.

Donald Trump: Wow, this is all so great. It’s like Robert Mueller doesn’t exist.

[Cut to Robert Mueller walking in]

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Robert Mueller: Oh, really? Hello, Mr. Trump. I have waited for this moment for a long time.

Donald Trump: Mr. Mueller, I’ve been meaning to come and talk to you, but, golf.

Robert Mueller: I have something for you.

Donald Trump: Is it a subpoena or your final report?

Robert Mueller: No, report? [Cut to Robert Mueller] No, no. No, it’s a picture of my grandson. I’ve been spending so much more time with him since I don’t have to investigate some idiot for treason.

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Wait, it sounds like you know I used to be president.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I know everything. Everything!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow, this night has put everything into perspective. I have had an epiphany. I guess the world does need me to be president after all.

Clarence: Yeah, that was not the lesson at all.

Donald Trump: I want to be president again! I want to be president again!

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Listen, Donald, every time a bell rings, [The video changes to color video with everyone in the scene] someone you know quits or goes to jail.

Donald Trump: So I am president again! It’s a Christmas miracle!

Clarence: No, not the lesson!

Donald Trump: So Merry Christmas, everyone! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Mueller Report Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 16

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

President Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with written video clip of the narrator]

Narrator: And now, Robert Mueller finishes his report, William Barr summarizes the report, and Donald Trump tweets his reaction to the summary.

[Cut to Robert Mueller on his desk reading his report]

Robert Mueller: Dear Attorney General Barr, officials from the Justice Department and esteemed members of Congress.

[Cut to William Barr summarizing the report]

William Barr: Hey, guys, William Barr here. You might want to sit down for this one.

[Cut to President Trump tweeting on his mobile phone in his office]

President Trump: Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Daddy is about to freak.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I am submitting these 380 pages—

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: I am writing almost four pages.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: I am reading zero pages. But Sean Hannity has read it and he was so excited that he texted me an eggplant.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: On the charge of obstruction of justice, we have not drawn a definitive conclusion.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But I have. And my conclusion is Trump’s clean as a whistle.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Free at last, free at last!

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: As for conspiracy or collusion, there were several questionable incidents involving the president’s team but we cannot prove a criminal connection.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: No collusion, no diggedy, no bad.

[Cut to President Trump blowing celebration horn]

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: However, we have indicted 34 individuals in connection with this probe.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of them very good people.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: The pardons are already in the mail.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I’ve included hundreds of pages of evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of it provided on live television by the president himself.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Russia, if you’re watching, go to bed. Daddy won.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: And I should remind everyone there’s still several ongoing investigations.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: One or two tiny investigations.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: And they’re investigations into democrats, TV shows that have been mean to me ad Puerto Rico. That’s right, I want my paper towels back, amigos.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Somebody with the Trump team might have met with Russians at some point.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Somebody distantly associated with Trump might have done something weird.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: ♪Somebody wants told me the world was go to roll me I am the sharpest tool in the shed. ♪

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: In conclusion it is my hope this report will be made public with a few [Cut to William Barr]

redaction.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Hello, redactions!

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: We’re going to block out everything except the words no and collusion.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Overall there is an abundance of circumstantial evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But no concrete evidence.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump:  If you shoot at the devil, you best not miss.

[[Rudy Giuliani comes up and joins President Trump]

Rudy Giuliani: Did somebody say devil?

President Trump: Rudy, can you believe it, we got off Scott free.

Rudy Giuliani: I know, I know. I guess I was a legal genius the whole time. And all of my mid games worked. If you want to know what my mind games were, you have to ask the family of goblins who lives in my head and opens my eyes.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: After two long years out investigation with Russia interference in the election is finally over.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Y’all can turn off your Huff-Po Amber alerts. It’s time for the country to heal and most past this.

[Cut to President Trump and Rudi Giuliani]

President Trump: This is the only thing I will talk about for the next four years. Vengeance will be mine.

Rudy Giuliani: And I will take the firstborn child of every democrat unless they can guess that my name is Rumple Stiltson.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Sincerely, Robert S. Mueller.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Your’s truly, the guy who’s been here a month, William Barr.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Sincerely, president invincible #tenmoreyears, #fdrbutwithlegs.

[Cut to Rudi Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Yours in eternal darkness, Rudy Giuliani. I was booed at a Yankee’s game.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: P.S. can’t wait to see what the southern district of New York has in store for Trump.

[Everyone joins Robert Mueller]

President Trump: What now?

Everyone: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Trump Brothers Bedtime Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 8

Donald Trump Jr… Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with video clip of Trump Tower front view]

[Cut to Donald enters Eric’s room. Eric is in bed]

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! What are you doing awake? It’s past your bed time.

Eric Trump: Dad, I’m scared. I think there’s a Boogieman in my closet.

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, there’s no Boogieman in your closet. [Donald sits on a chair beside Eric’s bed] Have you been watching the news again?

Eric Trump: Yeah.

Donald Trump Jr.: You can’t watch that stuff, bud. It’s too grown-up.

Eric Trump: They said they’re going to indict you.

Donald Trump Jr.: Don’t worry about that, pal. But hey, I am impressed you know what indict means!

Eric Trump: Yeah, indict, there’s no sugar ‘in diet coke’.

Donald Trump Jr.: Almost, but you’ll get it. Hey, how about a bedtime story?

Eric Trump: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: [Donald picks up a story book from the night stand] Oh, here we go, ’twas the night before Christmas. This is a classic. And remember, if there’s ever a word you don’t understand, bud, just say stop.

Eric Trump: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. ‘twas –

Eric Trump: Stop.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay, ‘twas, that’s the words ‘it’ and ‘was’ put together, buddy. It’s a contraction.

Eric Trump: Stop.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. Contraction is a– you know what, let’s just keep reading, okay? ‘twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Eric Trump: You hear that, dad? There’s something in my closet.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah bud, that’s just the cheap steel dad uses to build his towers. And it’s blowing in the wind. Look, buddy, nothing in the closet. [Donald walks to the closet and opens it. Robert Mueller is standing in there.] See, no one’s in your closet. [Donald closes the closet]

Eric Trump: Robert Muller’s in there!

Donald Trump Jr.: [Cut to Donald. His phone rings] Eric, nobody likes a fibber. Oops, okay, I’m sorry, bud. This is my lawyer, I need to take this. Look, Eric, everything’s going to be fine, okay? I love you, buddy.

Eric Trump: I love you.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright. Hey, how bad is it? Uh-huh, oh god! Uh-huh. But can I flip on him? [Donald leaves the room] Okay.

Eric Trump: [Cut to Eric. Robert Mueller is sitting on a chair beside his bed] Night, don.

Robert Mueller: Hi, Eric. Don’t be scared. It’s just me, Robert Mueller, your dad’s friend from work.

Eric Trump: I’m not allowed to talk to you.

Robert Mueller: That’s fine, Eric. It was pretty clear early on that you don’t know anything.

Eric Trump: Nope.

Robert Mueller: I wish I could say the same for some of your dad’s friends.

Eric Trump: Like Mr. Pillow-fort?

Robert Mueller: Manafort.

Eric Trump: And Mr. Papa-John’s-Pizza?

Robert Mueller: Um, Popodopolus.

Eric Trump: And Mr. Cohen?

Robert Mueller: You might want to start calling him Federal Inmate, 10358. [Eric and Robert start laughing] You get it, Eric?

Eric Trump: Nope.

Robert Mueller: Well, I’m glad you’re laughing but this is serious. That depends on how much you want to visit your family.

Eric Trump: Oh, no. That’s—that’s not good.

Robert Mueller: But, hey, no one knows the full story yet. You saw what I put out of it. It’s all been heavily redacted. Do you know what redacted is?

Eric Trump: Uh-huh. Like when my dad called Jeff sessions mentally redacted.

Robert Mueller: Yeah, yeah, that was fun. But, Eric, I just came here to let you know that now matter what happens, no matter what happens, America is going to be just fine. This is a country full of good people.

Eric Trump: Yeah. Good people like my dad.

Robert Mueller: Let’s put a pin in that.

Eric Trump: Mr. Mueller, people say you’re the worst thing to ever happen to my dad.

Robert Mueller: No, Eric, getting elected president was the worst thing that ever happened to your dad. And—Live from New York, its Saturday Night!