Mueller Report Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 16

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

President Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with written video clip of the narrator]

Narrator: And now, Robert Mueller finishes his report, William Barr summarizes the report, and Donald Trump tweets his reaction to the summary.

[Cut to Robert Mueller on his desk reading his report]

Robert Mueller: Dear Attorney General Barr, officials from the Justice Department and esteemed members of Congress.

[Cut to William Barr summarizing the report]

William Barr: Hey, guys, William Barr here. You might want to sit down for this one.

[Cut to President Trump tweeting on his mobile phone in his office]

President Trump: Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Daddy is about to freak.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I am submitting these 380 pages—

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: I am writing almost four pages.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: I am reading zero pages. But Sean Hannity has read it and he was so excited that he texted me an eggplant.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: On the charge of obstruction of justice, we have not drawn a definitive conclusion.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But I have. And my conclusion is Trump’s clean as a whistle.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Free at last, free at last!

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: As for conspiracy or collusion, there were several questionable incidents involving the president’s team but we cannot prove a criminal connection.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: No collusion, no diggedy, no bad.

[Cut to President Trump blowing celebration horn] [Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: However, we have indicted 34 individuals in connection with this probe.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of them very good people.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: The pardons are already in the mail.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I’ve included hundreds of pages of evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of it provided on live television by the president himself.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Russia, if you’re watching, go to bed. Daddy won.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: And I should remind everyone there’s still several ongoing investigations.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: One or two tiny investigations.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: And they’re investigations into democrats, TV shows that have been mean to me ad Puerto Rico. That’s right, I want my paper towels back, amigos.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Somebody with the Trump team might have met with Russians at some point.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Somebody distantly associated with Trump might have done something weird.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: ♪Somebody wants told me the world was go to roll me I am the sharpest tool in the shed. ♪

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: In conclusion it is my hope this report will be made public with a few [Cut to William Barr]

redaction.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Hello, redactions!

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: We’re going to block out everything except the words no and collusion.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Overall there is an abundance of circumstantial evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But no concrete evidence.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump:  If you shoot at the devil, you best not miss.

[[Rudy Giuliani comes up and joins President Trump]

Rudy Giuliani: Did somebody say devil?

President Trump: Rudy, can you believe it, we got off Scott free.

Rudy Giuliani: I know, I know. I guess I was a legal genius the whole time. And all of my mid games worked. If you want to know what my mind games were, you have to ask the family of goblins who lives in my head and opens my eyes.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: After two long years out investigation with Russia interference in the election is finally over.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Y’all can turn off your Huff-Po Amber alerts. It’s time for the country to heal and most past this.

[Cut to President Trump and Rudi Giuliani]

President Trump: This is the only thing I will talk about for the next four years. Vengeance will be mine.

Rudy Giuliani: And I will take the firstborn child of every democrat unless they can guess that my name is Rumple Stiltson.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Sincerely, Robert S. Mueller.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Your’s truly, the guy who’s been here a month, William Barr.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Sincerely, president invincible #tenmoreyears, #fdrbutwithlegs.

[Cut to Rudi Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Yours in eternal darkness, Rudy Giuliani. I was booed at a Yankee’s game.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: P.S. can’t wait to see what the southern district of New York has in store for Trump.

[Everyone joins Robert Mueller]

President Trump: What now?

Everyone: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Trump Brothers Bedtime Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 8

Donald Trump Jr… Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with video clip of Trump Tower front view] [Cut to Donald enters Eric’s room. Eric is in bed]

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! What are you doing awake? It’s past your bed time.

Eric Trump: Dad, I’m scared. I think there’s a Boogieman in my closet.

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, there’s no Boogieman in your closet. [Donald sits on a chair beside Eric’s bed] Have you been watching the news again?

Eric Trump: Yeah.

Donald Trump Jr.: You can’t watch that stuff, bud. It’s too grown-up.

Eric Trump: They said they’re going to indict you.

Donald Trump Jr.: Don’t worry about that, pal. But hey, I am impressed you know what indict means!

Eric Trump: Yeah, indict, there’s no sugar ‘in diet coke’.

Donald Trump Jr.: Almost, but you’ll get it. Hey, how about a bedtime story?

Eric Trump: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: [Donald picks up a story book from the night stand] Oh, here we go, ’twas the night before Christmas. This is a classic. And remember, if there’s ever a word you don’t understand, bud, just say stop.

Eric Trump: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. ‘twas –

Eric Trump: Stop.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay, ‘twas, that’s the words ‘it’ and ‘was’ put together, buddy. It’s a contraction.

Eric Trump: Stop.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. Contraction is a– you know what, let’s just keep reading, okay? ‘twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Eric Trump: You hear that, dad? There’s something in my closet.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah bud, that’s just the cheap steel dad uses to build his towers. And it’s blowing in the wind. Look, buddy, nothing in the closet. [Donald walks to the closet and opens it. Robert Mueller is standing in there.] See, no one’s in your closet. [Donald closes the closet]

Eric Trump: Robert Muller’s in there!

Donald Trump Jr.: [Cut to Donald. His phone rings] Eric, nobody likes a fibber. Oops, okay, I’m sorry, bud. This is my lawyer, I need to take this. Look, Eric, everything’s going to be fine, okay? I love you, buddy.

Eric Trump: I love you.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright. Hey, how bad is it? Uh-huh, oh god! Uh-huh. But can I flip on him? [Donald leaves the room] Okay.

Eric Trump: [Cut to Eric. Robert Mueller is sitting on a chair beside his bed] Night, don.

Robert Mueller: Hi, Eric. Don’t be scared. It’s just me, Robert Mueller, your dad’s friend from work.

Eric Trump: I’m not allowed to talk to you.

Robert Mueller: That’s fine, Eric. It was pretty clear early on that you don’t know anything.

Eric Trump: Nope.

Robert Mueller: I wish I could say the same for some of your dad’s friends.

Eric Trump: Like Mr. Pillow-fort?

Robert Mueller: Manafort.

Eric Trump: And Mr. Papa-John’s-Pizza?

Robert Mueller: Um, Popodopolus.

Eric Trump: And Mr. Cohen?

Robert Mueller: You might want to start calling him Federal Inmate, 10358. [Eric and Robert start laughing] You get it, Eric?

Eric Trump: Nope.

Robert Mueller: Well, I’m glad you’re laughing but this is serious. That depends on how much you want to visit your family.

Eric Trump: Oh, no. That’s—that’s not good.

Robert Mueller: But, hey, no one knows the full story yet. You saw what I put out of it. It’s all been heavily redacted. Do you know what redacted is?

Eric Trump: Uh-huh. Like when my dad called Jeff sessions mentally redacted.

Robert Mueller: Yeah, yeah, that was fun. But, Eric, I just came here to let you know that now matter what happens, no matter what happens, America is going to be just fine. This is a country full of good people.

Eric Trump: Yeah. Good people like my dad.

Robert Mueller: Let’s put a pin in that.

Eric Trump: Mr. Mueller, people say you’re the worst thing to ever happen to my dad.

Robert Mueller: No, Eric, getting elected president was the worst thing that ever happened to your dad. And—Live from New York, its Saturday Night!