Robin… Amy Schumer
Melissa… Sarah Sherman
Glen… Andrew Dismukes
Ego Nwodim[Starts with a group of adults playing a card game]
Ego: Sorry, Robin, but draw four.
Glen: Ha-ha-ha. It sucks to be you.
Robin: Oh, babe, you’re gloating.
Glen: Oh, you’re right. You’re right. Sorry to get so competitive guys.
Melissa: Fine, Glen.
Glen: No, it’s not fine. Something I’ve been working on in therapy.
Melissa: You go to therapy. That’s like really surprising.
Ego: Seriously, talk about a complete 180.
Robin: I know remember how cranky he used to be.
Melissa: That’s one way to put it.
Ego: Yeah, I would have said toxic as a mug.
Glen: Okay, you got me?
Robin: Yeah, but honestly, ever since I finally convinced him to go to big penis therapy, he’s just been so much happier. He’s like, a new person.
Ego: One more time.
Melissa: Did you see big penis therapy?
Glen: Yeah, it’s a place where I can finally open up about my problems with my dad, my insecurities, my rage issues.
Ego: That just sounds like regular therapy.
Robin: Let’s go back to the game. Whose turn is it?
Glen: See, she’s been trying to get me to go to therapy for years ever since I cheated on her that first time. You remember that, babe?
Robin: Yeah, I sure do.
Glen: Therapy just always seem so, I don’t know fruity. But then I heard about big penis therapy, for men with big penises like mine. And I thought, maybe I do need this.
Robin: Big penis therapy just helps to destigmatize men working on their mental health.
Glen: And sure the guys down at the job harassed me for going to therapy at first, but then I showed them my sweet badge for completing six months. And now they all went therapy too.
Ego: [reading the badge] God forgive my painess. What’s a painess?
Glen: t’s a medical term. It means penis that causes great pain.
Melissa: Oh, maybe I should tell my Jake about this.
Glen: Not so fast. Are you sure Jake qualifies?
Melissa: Actually he’s pretty okay.
Glen: Ha-ha-ha. Well, unfortunately, it’s not “pretty okay” size penis therapy. It’s therapy for guys with great big ones. Like mine, or Shaq’s. Or the guys from long naturals magazine.
Melissa: You know, Glen for the record, penis size really isn’t important.
Robin: Please don’t say that.
Glen: It’s okay honey. It actually is important, Melissa. And honestly, before therapy, I would have called you a stuck up bitch for saying that. But now I won’t.
Ego: Hey, Glen, did they measure your penis first to make sure you qualify?
Glen: What do you mean?
Ego: Just saying. How do they know you have a big…?
Robin: They don’t have to measure.
Glen: Honey, relax. It’s a good question. But yeah, the doctors can tell by your overall vibe if you have a baby leg like it.
Ego: Interesting. Well, Glenn, whatever they’re doing, it seems to be working for you.
Melissa: Truly. You even look like you’ve lost some weight.
Glen: Oh, well, that’s all thanks to my fat rod vegan meal plan.
Ego: You got him to be vegan too?
Robin: Yep. He’s also going to long Dong church now and drinking thick hog non-alcoholic beers.
Glen: Yeah. And I also joined an activist group called three inch monster packers against animal testing.
Melissa: Good, because it looks like you’re gonna have to draw for.
Ego: And that’s on top of my draw for.
Melissa: We’re playing stack, so you have to draw eight, Glen.
Robin: Aw, babe. But you only have one left. You almost won.
Glen: [flipping the table up side down] Stop making fun of me.
Female voice: Big penis therapy. It’s therapy.