Tag: Rock

Weekend Update Rock Roll Hall of Fame Inductees Worlds Oldest Living Dog

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of USA map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that about 6 million Americans now identify as Afro Latino. Afro Latina was also what spirit Halloween calls the unlicensed Bruno Mars costume.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of empire state building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York City has launched a new campaign to stop speeding in the city with a series of signs designed to scare drivers. The terrifying science read simply “Entering New Jersey.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Dolly Parton, Eminem, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon at right top corner]

Michael Che: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced that Dolly Parton would be inducted this year, along with Eminem, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon, which begs the question what is rock and roll?

[picture changes to Jackie Robinson at right top corner.]

A bat used by Jackie Robinson was sold at auction for more than $1 million. The bat is considered to be so valuable because Robinson used it in an all star game and also to get back to his car safely.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Quantas flight logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Quantas has announced plans for a new direct flight from New York to Australia that will take 19 hours. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines announced the new flight from New York to Philadelphia that will also take 19 hours.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cave at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Archeologists have discovered 1000 year old drawings in a cave in Alabama and guys, they’re bad. Really bad drawings.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Lawmaker watches porn in house chamber” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A British lawmaker resigned after admitting that he watched porn on his phone in the chambers of Parliament, which seems pretty tame considering our congress allows full penetration. [changes to picture from Capitol riot] Colleagues knew he was watching porn when a vote passed by a count of 650 yays to one “oh my god yay”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a diamond at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oh, Colin. A 220 carat diamond known as The Rock will become the largest white diamond ever auctioned off. Wow. 220 carats. I mean, can you imagine the size of the child who mined that? Kid’s huge.

[Cut to Colin Jost. Theres a picture of an article that says “Woman in penis costume stabbed”]

Colin Jost: Happy Mother’s Day. A woman in a bachelorette party in Scotland was attacked while wearing an inflatable penis costume. The woman says she’s still throbbing in her head feels like it’s ready to explode.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Guinness World record logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The record for the world’s oldest dog has been broken by a 21 year old Chihuahua named Timothy Charlemagne. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Starbucks Turns 50, Naked Rock Climber

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Starbucks logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, Starbucks celebrated 50th anniversary. Also celebrating its 50th anniversary, [cut to turkey bacon sandwich inside Starbucks] the turkey bacon sandwich in the display case.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: 15 million doses of Johnson&Johnson vaccine have been delayed following an ingredient mix up at the factory. But the good news is, now your shampoo might cure covid.

[Picture changes to Pfizer logo]

Pfizer also said that its covid vaccine is safe and effective for teens aged 12 to 15. “Well, that’s a relief”, said Matt Gaetz.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a soccer ball at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The US Men soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics for the third time in a row. But fellas, keep your heads up and remember that win or lose, you will always get paid more than the women’s team.

[picture changes to a rock cliff]

A New Jersey woman who posts pictures of herself rock climbing while naked says that it is not pornographic but– I don’t know, that rock looks pretty hard.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There a picture of a robot inside a plane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The airline industry is testing a virus killing robot that used ultraviolet light to disinfect planes. Not to be outdone, Spirit airlines just taped a glow stick to a roomba.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked at April 2, a ferret and a jar of peanut butter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yesterday was national peanut butter day and national ferret day. And I celebrate both with a very, very dangerous trick.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Taiwan and a knife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Taiwan who thought her boyfriend was cheating cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet. I’m sorry, “Thought he was cheating”?