Vanessa Bayer
Mitchel… Beck Bennett
Carol… Aidy Bryant
Kenan Thompson
Dan… John Cena
Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with Vanessa and Mitchel entering a bookstore]
Vanessa: Oh, sexy. Baby, it’s an erotic bookstore.
Mitchel: Anything to help our dumb ass dry spell.
Vanessa: Mitchel!
Carol: Aw! Welcome to the Scorched Corset, where fantasies delight.
Kenan: What my friend Carol is trying to say is let us know if you need anything.
Vanessa: Yeah. We’re just browsing. Do you have something by Jacquelin Livo?
Carol: Hmm, have you read the Ranch hand and the Row?
Vanessa: I have not.
Carol: Okay, well let me retrieve it for you. Our stock boy should know where it is. Jon George!
[Dan walks in. He is a big man with long silky blonde hair.]
Dan: Yes.
Carol: Assist me at once.
Dan: Sure. Let’s get that book.
[Carol and Dan walk away]
Kenan: She’ll be right back.
[Cut to Carol and Dan behind the shelfs]
Carol: Oh, Dan. Oh, you want me, I know it. But we’re at work. We can’t. A woman of my stature with a brut accustomed to manual labor?
Dan: Oh, yeah. I’m a big boy. I have a thick neck, big hands. I’ve been waiting you so bad in this store.
[Cut to the store. Carol and Dan are just one shelf behind Vanessa, Mitchel and Kenan]
Vanessa: I’m sorry. What’s going on back there?
Kenan: Oh, that’s just Carol and Dan. She calls him Dan.
Mitchel: Why?
Kenan: I don’t know. But don’t worry, they never do anything. It’s all show and no go.
[Carol walks in with a book]
Carol: I found it. Here you go. I hope this teases and pleases. Now go, free of charge.
Kenan: No, no, no. It’s $5.
Mitchel: Here. [paying the money] It better be five bucks of bedroom magic. Come on.
[Vanessa and Mitchel walk out]
[Melissa walks in]
Melissa: Hi. I’m looking for a fun light read for a long plain ride?
Carol: Ah! Perhaps you’ll like the work of Feather Dubreaux. Dan!
[Dan walks in]
Dan: Yea.
Carol: To the bookcase.
[Carol and Dan walk away]
Kenan: Let’s hustle Carol.
[Cut to Carol and Dan behind the shelfs]
Carol: Quick, take me away to a fantasy. I’m on an Irish cliff. My hair is red and very wide. It’s blowing in the Irish wind and I’ve known only as Lady Velvet.
Dan: And I’m the guy who puts the horse food in the horse bucket. Yes, I’m dirty, and strong.
Carol: Yes! You woke up my estate.
Dan: And I have fix, stake hands, right?
Carol: Yes.
[Cut to the store. Carol and Dan are just one shelf behind Melissa and Kenan]
Melissa: So, are they a couple?
Kenan: No, they’re damn not. They just work here. I mean, she does.
Melissa: And he doesn’t?
Kenan: No, he works for her.
Melissa: What do you mean?
Kenan: She pays him out of her paycheck.
Melissa: But she’s the owner?
Kenan: No, I am.
Melissa: So, he doesn’t work here?
Kenan: Right.
Melissa: And that doesn’t bother you?
Kenan: I mean, it really does, but what am I gonna do? You know?
[Cut to Carol and Dan]
Carol: My tiny pink nips scream in the howling wind.
Dan: And my thick stake hands reach at those.
Carol: Oh, but we shan’t touch because I’m a lady of gold coins, satin gloves and tiny decadent cakes.
Dan: And I am a dirt man that knows only sex.
[Dan opens his shirt]
Carol: Oh! Teach me!
Kenan: Get the book! Get the damn book!
[Carol walks in with a book in her hand]
Carol: Here, here. Take it as a gift. Now go.
Kenan: No, you must pay.
Melissa: This isn’t Feather Dubreaux. This is Tanya Whitmore. She writes filth.
Kenan: Carol, fix this.
Carol: Oh, I shall. Dan!
[Carol runs out]
[Cut to Carol and Dan]
Dan: I’m a cave man with a big gun.
Carol: Oh, and I’m horny wealthy ghost with full throttle knockers. [Carol shows her bra]
Dan: And I grab your ghost butt with my ten pound hands.
[Cut to Kenan and Melissa]
Kenan: I’m really sorry. This is embarrassing. Just one moment please.
[Kenan goes behind]
[Cut to Carol, Kenan and Dan]
Kenan: Look, you two. Stop it and listen to me. I am on horseback. Leather chaps my skin as I ride atop the red rocks of Sedona.