Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah
Ron Klain… Taran Killam
Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson[Starts with C-SPAN intro]
Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, earlier today President Obama introduced Ebola czar Ron Klain who took questions on the latest developments in the Ebola crisis.[Cut to Barack Obama] [cheers and applause]
Barack Obama: Well, thank you all for coming. As you know, just two days ago, another American, this time a doctor in New York was diagnosed with Ebola. Now, some people want to criticize the way our administration has handled this crisis. And it’s true, we made a few mistakes early on. But I assure you, it was nowhere near as bad as how we handled the ISIS situation. I mean, our very Secret Service mishaps, or the scandals of the IRS and the NSA. And I don’t know if you guys remember, but the Obamacare website had some pretty serious problems too. In fact, if you look at all the stuff that’s happened my second term, this whole Ebola thing is probably one of my greatest accomplishments.
Now, I’d like to introduce the man who will be managing this crisis moving forward. New Ebola czar, Ron Klain.[Ron Klain walks in]
Ron Klain: Thank you Mr. President. Thank you. [applause] Thank you members of the press. I am really more of a behind the scene’s guy but I am excited to take your questions. Yes.[Cut to the press.]
Cecily: Mr. Klain, you have no actual medical training or background with dealing with infectious disease, is that correct?[Cut to Ron Klain]
Ron Klain: Um, yes. Yes, that is true. I am not a doctor. But, to be fair, I did service chief of staff to vice president Joe Biden. So, I do have some experience with the little something called food in mouth disease. [laughing] [Cut to Cecily]
Cecily: It seems like that’s a joke disease. Just to confirm, no experience with actual medical diseases?[Cut to Ron Klain]
Ron Klain: No. Next question.[Cut to Bobby]
Bobby: A lot of Americans still don’t understand why we have an issue to travel ban on flights on West Africa.[Cut to Ron Klain]
Ron Klain: Okay, at this point, a travel ban on country is with Ebola would be an overreaction. If anything, we should be more afraid of the flu. It kills many more people every year.[Cut to Bobby]
Bobby: But 0.01% with the flu die from it. And with Ebola, it’s Aidy0%.[Cut to Ron Klain]
Ron Klain: Yes, yes, well we could all go throwing statistics around.[Cut to Bobby]
Bobby: Ha-ha-ha. Such as?[Cut to Ron Klain. He doesn’t know any statistic.]
Ron Klain: I don’t have any with me at the moment but if you just give me some time, everything will be 100% cool as hell.[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Mr. Klain, some have speculated you were brought in mainly to handle this from a political perspective. Even the midterm elections are in two weeks. Any comment on that?[Cut to Ron Klain]
Ron Klain: Yeah! Right now, I am not worried about winning elections. However, there are a few safety tips that people should know heading towards election day. For example, the Ebola virus actually flourishes in warmer clients– climates, excuse me. So, if you live in a southern state such as Louisiana, Arkansas or Kentucky, you actually may want to avoid any large public spaces like, say a polling booth. One exception however, is that we believe Latinos in red states may actually have immunity to Ebola. So, they’re good to go.
And now, finally, we wanted someone from New York to talk directly to you. So, we asked mayor De Blasio and governor Cuomo, but it turns out there was only one New York democrat willing to be seen with President Obama today.[Al Sharpton walks in]
Al Sharpton: Hey, hey, hey. [cheers and applause] To save the day! Thank you Ron Klain, Ebola Czar. Okay, first off, yes, Ebola is in New York. But don’t worry about me, I’m immuned to all infectious diseases as even the tiniest particles cannot get past this mustache. And all you other New Yorkers shouldn’t worry either. People should go about their daily lives. And so should New York’s pigeons, rats and sewer monsters. Because if you worry that some parts of New York are contaminated, you’re wrong. All of New York is contaminated all the time.
I once got the clap by wearing short shorts through the port authority. Snap!
So, information. Be safe, brush your teeth and [shouting] live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.