Becky… Vanessa Bayer
Cecily Strong
Ronald McDonald McTrump… Bobby Moynihan
Donald Trump
[Starts with ‘Trump 2016’ banner on the screen]
Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement for Donald Trump for president.
[Cut to Becky wearing a black and red dress]
Becky: Liberty.
[Cut to Cecily wearing the same dress]
Cecily: Patriosm.
[Cut to Becky]
Becky: Peg-oligance.
[Cut to Cecily]
Cecily: Free-some.
[Cut to Becky and Cecily. They both take few steps forward.]
[Becky and Cecily talk at the same time but they say different things like they have not prepared the script.]
Both: Donald Tramp.
[The banner at the bottom of the screen clearly has ‘Donald Trump’ written on it]
Cecily: Agolar shriety of the perfect presiment.
Becky: You feel like you’re getting a Yankee doodle handy.
Both: With Donald Tramp.
Becky: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I am Becky.
Cecily: And I’m alive again.
Becky: And we’re not porn stars anymore but that doesn’t mean we don’t know a perfect presiment when he steps into the oral office.
[Ronald walks in with a red clown wig]
Ronald: [speaking like Donald Trump] Did somebody say it’s huge?
Becky and Cecily: Not yet.
Becky: Please get out.
Ronald: Okay.
[Ronald walks out]
Becky: Other candidates are just the sleepy doctor and Carly Marinara.
[Cecily covers her eyes with her palm]
Cecily: Marco.
Becky: Rubo.
Cecily: Marco.
Becky: Rubo.
Cecily: But Donald Tramp is a billionairest.
Becky: And when it comes to Russia, he’ll stand up to Put-it-in.
Cecily: No, it’s Putin. Remember? Coz we dated him.
Becky: Oh, right. Yeah, okay.
Cecily: You’ll feel as noble as a ball-gagged eagle.
Becky: Or like you’re signing the dongleration of in-the-pants-ness. (trying to say independence)
Cecily: Or singing the star strangled boner.
[Ronald walks in again]
Ronald: Did someone say it’s huge?
Cecily: Don’t!
Becky: Not yet, please get out.
Ronald: Okay.
[Ronald walks out again]
Both: With Donald Tramp.
Cecily: One time, I thought I got banged back to 1776. But I was just banged by 1776 guys dressed as pilgrims. I vote no on that, but yes for Trump.
Becky: One time I thought I banged Teddy Roosevelt but it was just Teddy Ruxpin. Sorry kid’s birthday.
Cecily: I thought I had the right to bear arms but I was just banging a bear with my right arm. [showing her left arm]
Becky: I guess it’s true what Smogy says, “Only you can put your whole arm in.” Oh, hey. Remember the apprentice?
Both: You’re fire. You’re fire.
[Ronald walks in again]
Ronald: Did someone say huge?
Becky: Okay.
Cecily: You can go now.
Ronald: Thank you. HI, I’m Ronald McDonald McTrump. I specialize in clown themed political pornos, such as “Wag the Dong”, “Fist/Nixon”, “All the president’s men, plus a horse”, Lee Daniel’s “In the buttler”, and “Milk”. But you know who’s not clowning around with the presidency? It’s Donald Trump.
Becky: Hey, hey, hey, don’t boost for us. We’re trying to do this ad for Donald Tramp so he let’s us live in his hotels.
Cecily: Yeah, maybe visit the White House. I haven’t been there since the 90s.
Becky: Oh, yeah.
[audience clapping and laughing]
Oh, yeah. I hit my head on the desk.
Cecily: Yeah.
Ronald: So, next December 25th, vote for Donald Trump for Santa Claus. And to my clown college professor who said, “You might as well be doing pornos”, I’m suddenly realizing you were being sarcastic.
[Ronald moves to the side]
Becky and Cecily: With Donald Tramp.
[Donald Trump walks in]
Donald Trump: Oh! I’m Donald Trump and I in no way, shape or form approve of this message. Didn’t you used to be a brunette?
Becky, Cecily and Ronald: Yeah.
Donald Trump: That’s what I thought.
[Cut to Trump 2016 banner]
[The End]