Tag: Ronda

Lotto Drawing

Jim Bullock… Kenan Thompson

Wendy DiMichael… Aidy Bryant

Felix Cruz… Chris Redd

Shonda… Kim Kardashian

Ronda… Cecily Strong

Diana Ross… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with WEJJ Channel 7 Eyewitness News intro] [Cut to Jim Bullock and Wendy DiMichael in their news set]

Jim Bullock: Welcome back to Channel 7 Eyewitness News, “You news it, you lose it!” Still working on that slogan.

Wendy DiMichael: I prefer mine. “News: It’s what happened recently.”

Jim Bullock: In just a minute, we’ll throw it over to Felix Cruz with sports.

Felix Cruz: I got all the scores for you baby, except baseball and football.

Jim Bullock: But first, it’s the live drawing of tonight’s power ball lotto jackpot.

Wendy DiMichael: Let’s go to Shonda at the lottery headquarters.

[Cut to Shonda]

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And the first ball up is three. The next is seven. The next is nine. And the last is ‘J’. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-7-9-J. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Shonda, I don’t think there’s supposed to be letters in the lotto drawing.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. Give us a second on that. In the meantime, let’s go to Ronda with the numbers for tonight’s double play.

Ronda: And thank you. I’m Ronda. Tonight’s double play jackpot is money. And first ball up is three. The next is 4000. The next is blank. And the last is Milwaukee Bucks. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-4000-blank-Milwaukee Bucks. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: The numbers aren’t supposed to go above 10.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. And was there a blank in there?

Jim Bullock: I also think that one of the balls from the NBA draft might have gotten mixed in. Maybe there’s an issue with the tubes feeding the balls up?

Wendy DiMichael: Well, let’s go back to Shonda who I’m told has the correct numbers this time. Shonda.

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And you’re watching lotteries. The first ball up is three. The next is meatball. The next is meatball. And the last is bread. Making tonight’s lucky numbers, 3-meatball-meatball-bread. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Okay, those are the ingredients of a meatball hero.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah, that’s what I ordered for lunch.

Jim Bullock: Maybe the lottery tube got switched with the tube from the Deli?

Wendy DiMichael: So, delis use tubes?

Jim Bullock: Just trying to piece this together in real time, Wendy. Why don’t we go back to Ronda who has the correct double play numbers?

Ronda: I sure do, Ronda. I’m Ronda. Good luck to all of you out there and me.

Wendy DiMichael: Oh. I don’t think you’re supposed to play.

Ronda: And the first ball up is cellphone. The next is car keys.

Jim Bullock: Oh god, now it’s just stuff from my dressing room.

Ronda: The next is wallet. And the last is condoms. Making tonight’s winning numbers cellphone-car keys-wallet-condoms. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Thank you, Ronda.

Wendy DiMichael: You bring condoms to work?

Jim Bullock: I think those were just lollipops with sticks broken off.

Felix Cruz: Hey, I got an update for you. Lottery lady – one, Jim – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Why don’t you focus on getting football and baseball?

Felix Cruz: They won’t tell me the scorers.

Wendy DiMichael: Alright. I’m being told that a repair man is fixing the tubes as we speak. So, Shonda should be ready now with the real numbers. Shonda?

Shonda: And I’m still Shonda. The first ball up is screwdriver. The next is mustache. The next is finger. And the last is blood. Making tonight’s winning numbers screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Oh my god!

Wendy DiMichael: I know. She only throws back to you. What about “Back to you Jim and Wendy”?

Jim Bullock: You’re pointing that out now?

Felix Cruz: I got another update for you. Tubes – one, repair man – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Let’s take a break and sort this out. And hey, our apologies to Diana Ross ho has been sitting here patiently in the studio.

Diana Ross: Screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. I won!

[Cut to outro]

Male voice: Channel 7 Eyewitness News. “News: It’s what’s happened recently.”

Pickup Artist

Cecily Strong

Veronica… Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

Ronda… Melissa McCarthy

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Joe… Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Janice… Leslie Jones

Uncle… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of ladies]

Cecily: Alright ladies, now it’s time for your final test. We’re gonna use each of the pickup techniques you’ve learned in my class ‘The Art Of The Pickup’ for the first time in the real world situation. Veronica, you’re up. Now remember, zero in on the guy you like, compliment his friend to make him jealous and then neg him. Say something negative and get him off this game.

[Veronica walks to two guys having beer]

Veronica: Hey, I like your haircut.

Taran: Oh, thanks.

Veronica: But I don’t know about your friend’s shirt. Grey is not your color.

Jay: Ha-ha. What? I’m interested, what is my color?

[Cut to the ladies watching Veronica]

Cecily: Perfect! She said something negative to pick his interest. Ronda, why don’t you give it a try?

Ronda: I’m ready.

[Ronda walks to other two guys having beer]

I like your hair.

Kenan: Oh, thank you.

[Ronda turns to Kyle]

Ronda: And I think you’re a piece of crap and I’ll bash you and I’ll use you.

Kyle: Oh, what?

[Ronda walks back to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that?

Cecily: Okay, that was very bad, Ronda. It was way, way too negative. Alright, let’s try one of our pickup lines. Joe, you’re up. Remember to initiate physical contact.

Joe: Yeah.

[Joe walks to Pete]

Is that a mirror in your pants? Coz I can see myself in them. [puts her hand on Pete’s shoulder.]

Pete: Wow! Cool! So aggressive.

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Alright, that was perfect, guys. Ronda, give another shot?

[Ronda walks back to the guys she talked to earlier]

Ronda: hey, I like your outfit.

Kyle: Thank you.

Ronda: I’d like it better crumpled up on my bedroom floor.

Kyle: Nice.

Ronda: Don’t let it touch my uncle Jessie’s bed. [leaning her body near Kyle’s] I think he’s a serial killer. [she starts licking her palm and rubbing it on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop that.

[Ronda kisses Kyle’s chest]

Dude!

Kenan: Are you hitting on us?

Ronda: No. But I’d like to hit your face. [Ronda slaps Kenan’s glass out of his hand]

Cecily: Ronda!

Ronda: Duty calls! [Ronda pushes Kenan and walks to the ladies] [Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Okay guys.

Ronda: I think I’m getting it.

Cecily: Now what did Ronda do wrong?

Vanessa: Um, she said her uncle is a serial killer.

Cecily: Yep, she made that tiny fart noise with her mouth.

Ronda: I’d like to just point out now whenever he smells a fart, he’s gonna think of me, dummy!

Cecily: Janice, why don’t you give it a shot?

[Janice walks to the guys Ronda talked to]

Janice: [to Kenan] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kenan: What?

Janice: Me.

Kenan: Damn. Can I buy you a drink?

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Let me try. [to Kyle] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kyle: Let me guess, you.

Ronda: No, not me. My uncle. He has a cool haircut.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s beer and rubs on his face.]

Kyle: Stop! Stop! Oh, my god!

Ronda: Do you think it would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with the rock?

[Ronda is choking Kyle]

Kyle: What the hell? Get off me, dude!

[Ronda walks to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that? I initiated physical contact, right?

Cecily: Well Ronda, you choked him.

Ronda: Yeah.

Cecily: Put your fingers in his mouth, and then in your mouth.

Ronda: Yeah, but then I let it go and I showed mercy. So you’re the dumb one.

Cecily: Okay. Well, fine. [To Vanessa] Now, why don’t you show us what you’ve learned. Remember to try and set future plan.

[Vanessa walks to two guys]

Vanessa: Um, hey. Me and my friends have a bet. How much do you think the ball in Time Square weighs? Maybe we should go out on New Year and ask.

Bobby: Oh, that’s cool. I’ve never been to New York except for one serious surgery.

[Cut to Ronda waking into the guys she talked to before again]

Ronda: [to Kyle] Hey, me and my friends have a bet. I hear at prison executions, the victim poops himself on the slab. So, maybe we should go to one together and see if he poops on a slab. And if we make it back and prisoner does indeed poop on the slab, then I will give you $10,000, but if he doesn’t poop then you’ll kiss me at my mouth. But I don’t have the money, so I hope he poops.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s drink, licks her hand and puts her hand on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: Stop! Get off me. Stop that. Please stop that. Stop that. Don’t do that.

Ronda: Oh! Oh! My uncle is here.

[Cut to Uncle]

Uncle: Somebody touched my bed!

[The End]

Katz’ Deli

Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Miley Cyrus

Ronda… Leslie Jones

Waiter… Jon Rudnitsky

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with women colleagues having meal at a restaurant]

Venessa: It’s so cool this place is right around the corner from the office.

Cecily: Yeah, I can’t believe this is the actual table where Meg Ryan had that famous fake orgasm scene.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Oh! ‘When Harry met Sally’ is my favorite movie.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I must have seen it 50 times.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I must have seen it 100 times.

[Cut to Ronda. She is bored.]

Ronda: Let’s talk about something else please.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: Guys, you know what would be fun?

Miley: Oh, I think where you’re going with this.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Me too. We order a big old plate of potato salad in Pig Out.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I’m gonna do the Meg Ryan part.

Miley: Oh, go ahead girl. I am sure people do it here all the time.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay. I’ll be Billy Crystal. Okay. [acting] Sally, no one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell. It’s pretty good.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

Miley: Oh, my god! You are so crazy! I wanna try.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, okay. No one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell–

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You know. You don’t have to do that every time.

[Cut to Miley]

Miley: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! [laughing] Actually what I do when I fake it.

Cecily: You had me convinced. Hey, you do it Ronda.

[Cut to Ronda shaking her head]

Ronda: No!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: It’s fun. Just do what you do when you have an orgasm.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Oh! Alright! Alright! Let me see. Let me see. Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah! [smiling] Yeah!

Miley: There you go, Ronda! You’re getting into it.

[Cut to everybody]

Ronda: Oh. [yelling] Oh, man! Oh god! This is good! [others are looking around embarrassed] You’re blowing my mind with the little pecker man! That thing sneaks up on your bro, hot dough! I mean you got it all, baby. Little pecker! [smiling] Good pumps. Faaan-tastic! Oh, no! [yelling] The condom busted! I can’t have a freaking baby! I’m a dancer!

[others are embarrassed]

That was fun. That was fun. Is that like they do it in the movie?

Miley: Not really. [Cut to Cecily and Miley] It’s more like a real orgasm.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Oh! Okay. I get it now. I get it.

[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Are you ladies ready to order?

Ronda: Um, we actually need another minute.

[Waiter walks away]

Cecily: I could have ordered.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Okay. Um, um.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, we’re not doing that anymore. Honey, okay?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: [closing eyes] Oh, yeah! [yelling] This feels so good, good, freaking!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Ronda!

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted through!

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Again?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: I can’t have your baby, Marco! You are my brother’s husband!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: What?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Don’t cry, Marco. If you cry, I’ll cry. You gotta stay with my brother, finish out the con. Hold on a minute, Marco. [yelling] Occupied! O-ccu-pied!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Wait! You’re in a bathroom?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Clean it later! We’re using it.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: So, that’s all happening while you’re orgasming?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in.]

Waiter: Right! Are you ladies ready to order yet?

Venessa: God, yes! Thank you. Okay, three turkey sandwiches and big old plate of potato salad?

[Cut to Ronda showing her thumbs up.] [Cut to everybody]

Waiter: Um, fun fact, did you know this is the actual table from ‘When Harry Met Sally’?

Miley: Yes. Yes. We did know that. Thankyou.

Ronda: Yeah. I liked the scene where she’s like, [Cut to Ronda] “Oh, yes! Yes! Give it to me Marco. What’s that Marco? You got a surprise for me? Well, where is it? Under the covers? I don’t see what the– [yelling] A dutch oven? Marco! Pulling the sheets over someone’s head and farting is sign of disrespect in this country. I got so much to teach you, Marco. [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted again! You’re little pecker is too sharp!”

[Cut to everybody. They’re all embarrassed.] [Cut to Kate sitting in another table staring at Ronda]

Kate: I’ll have what she’s having.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: She’s having a big old plate of potato salad.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, then definitely not. I’ll have a soup, hot!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I’m not the waiter.

[Cut to everybody]

Venessa: Let’s get out of here. I know a place that’s marvelous, baby! Perfect Billy Crystals.

[The End]