Jim Bullock… Kenan Thompson
Wendy DiMichael… Aidy Bryant
Felix Cruz… Chris Redd
Shonda… Kim Kardashian
Ronda… Cecily Strong
Diana Ross… Ego Nwodim[Starts with WEJJ Channel 7 Eyewitness News intro] [Cut to Jim Bullock and Wendy DiMichael in their news set]
Jim Bullock: Welcome back to Channel 7 Eyewitness News, “You news it, you lose it!” Still working on that slogan.
Wendy DiMichael: I prefer mine. “News: It’s what happened recently.”
Jim Bullock: In just a minute, we’ll throw it over to Felix Cruz with sports.
Felix Cruz: I got all the scores for you baby, except baseball and football.
Jim Bullock: But first, it’s the live drawing of tonight’s power ball lotto jackpot.
Wendy DiMichael: Let’s go to Shonda at the lottery headquarters.[Cut to Shonda]
Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And the first ball up is three. The next is seven. The next is nine. And the last is ‘J’. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-7-9-J. Back to you, Jim.
Jim Bullock: Shonda, I don’t think there’s supposed to be letters in the lotto drawing.
Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. Give us a second on that. In the meantime, let’s go to Ronda with the numbers for tonight’s double play.
Ronda: And thank you. I’m Ronda. Tonight’s double play jackpot is money. And first ball up is three. The next is 4000. The next is blank. And the last is Milwaukee Bucks. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-4000-blank-Milwaukee Bucks. Back to you, Jim.
Jim Bullock: The numbers aren’t supposed to go above 10.
Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. And was there a blank in there?
Jim Bullock: I also think that one of the balls from the NBA draft might have gotten mixed in. Maybe there’s an issue with the tubes feeding the balls up?
Wendy DiMichael: Well, let’s go back to Shonda who I’m told has the correct numbers this time. Shonda.
Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And you’re watching lotteries. The first ball up is three. The next is meatball. The next is meatball. And the last is bread. Making tonight’s lucky numbers, 3-meatball-meatball-bread. Back to you, Jim.
Jim Bullock: Okay, those are the ingredients of a meatball hero.
Wendy DiMichael: Yeah, that’s what I ordered for lunch.
Jim Bullock: Maybe the lottery tube got switched with the tube from the Deli?
Wendy DiMichael: So, delis use tubes?
Jim Bullock: Just trying to piece this together in real time, Wendy. Why don’t we go back to Ronda who has the correct double play numbers?
Ronda: I sure do, Ronda. I’m Ronda. Good luck to all of you out there and me.
Wendy DiMichael: Oh. I don’t think you’re supposed to play.
Ronda: And the first ball up is cellphone. The next is car keys.
Jim Bullock: Oh god, now it’s just stuff from my dressing room.
Ronda: The next is wallet. And the last is condoms. Making tonight’s winning numbers cellphone-car keys-wallet-condoms. Back to you, Jim.
Jim Bullock: Thank you, Ronda.
Wendy DiMichael: You bring condoms to work?
Jim Bullock: I think those were just lollipops with sticks broken off.
Felix Cruz: Hey, I got an update for you. Lottery lady – one, Jim – zero. Ha-ha-ha.
Jim Bullock: Dumb! Why don’t you focus on getting football and baseball?
Felix Cruz: They won’t tell me the scorers.
Wendy DiMichael: Alright. I’m being told that a repair man is fixing the tubes as we speak. So, Shonda should be ready now with the real numbers. Shonda?
Shonda: And I’m still Shonda. The first ball up is screwdriver. The next is mustache. The next is finger. And the last is blood. Making tonight’s winning numbers screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. Back to you, Jim.
Jim Bullock: Oh my god!
Wendy DiMichael: I know. She only throws back to you. What about “Back to you Jim and Wendy”?
Jim Bullock: You’re pointing that out now?
Felix Cruz: I got another update for you. Tubes – one, repair man – zero. Ha-ha-ha.
Jim Bullock: Dumb! Let’s take a break and sort this out. And hey, our apologies to Diana Ross ho has been sitting here patiently in the studio.
Diana Ross: Screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. I won![Cut to outro]
Male voice: Channel 7 Eyewitness News. “News: It’s what’s happened recently.”