Three’s A Crime

Bill Arnold… Beck Bennett

Paula Abbott… Aidy Bryant

Janet Johnson-Luna… Cecily Strong

Kara Torkelson… Ronda Rousey

Gaven Deli… Pete Davidson

Mrs. Deli… Kate McKinnon

Defense attorney… Taran Killam

Judge… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with HLN intro]

Male voice: You’re watching HLN, Headline News. Headline counts for two letters.

We now return to HLN’s coverage of Three’s A Crime: The Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson Civil Trial.

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Bill: Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott live at the Palo Alto Courthouse where another scandal has rocked this city schools.

Paula: High school teacher [Cut to Janet and Kara sitting in the court] Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson are accused of having an inappropriate group physical encounter with their student Mr. Deli [Cut to Gaven]who is just 16 at the time.

[Cut to Mrs. Deli]

Bill: Deli’s mother is suing the defendants for emotional trauma inflicted upon her son.

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Paula: Testimonies continues as Gaven Deli will be question by the defense.

[Cut to the courtroom]

Defense attorney: Now, Mr. Deli, can you point out your former teachers to the court?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Uh, yes. They’re right there, giving me butterflies.

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Kara: Oh, my god.

Janet: So cheesy.

[Cut to Mrs. Deli]

Mrs. Deli: [yelling] Monsters!

[Cut to Judge]

Judge: Ay, wait! Mrs. Deli, please try and control yourself. Continue counsel.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, do you recall the events of October 3rd, twothousandforteen? The day of the encounter?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, very clearly. I replay it like a movie in my head every single day.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Now your honor, I would like to present exhibit 7-A, a text conversation taken from Mr. Deli’s phone. [The TV is showing a text message from Ms. Luna] The defendant Ms. Luna texts, “I’m with Ms. Torkelson! Come over for some private tutoring”, winking emoji face. Can you describe your response Mr. Deli?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Uh, yes. Um, I responded with a GIF of a cartoon bird exiting frame so fast that his feathers fly off to imply that I was happy and on my way as quickly as possible.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yes, you certainly were to illustrate Mr. Deli’s attitude. I’d like to show traffic camera footage of Mr. Deli’s car the moment he received Ms. Luna’s text.

[Cut to a video clip of a car recklessly driving.]

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Was that you driving Mr. Deli?

[Cut to Gaven and Judge]

Gaven: Yes, that was the second coolest thing I did that day.

Judge: [looking proud] Second coolest, I see what you did there.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Gaven: And what happened when you arrived at Ms. Luna’s house.

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, I ran to the front door saying, “Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!”

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: I see. And when did things turn sexual between the three of you?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: After I walked in, I went to the bathroom. I looked at myself at the mirror and I said, “Your live begins today.” And then I came out and we got down.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And how long would you say the encounter lasted?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, about five hours.

[Cut to Judge looking shocked]

Judge: Oh, I remember those days.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, what happened when you left Ms. Luna’s house?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: I walked to the car with my arms out, kind of like, spinning in circles like a Disney princess. Like, mid song.

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Janet: Oh, my god!
Kara: So corny.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And in the days following, how did your classmates learn about what had happened?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, I believe from me telling the story to anyone who would listen.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And were you ostracized in school because of this?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, no. I felt more like Forest Gump when he was running across America and people started following him because he represents hope.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yet your mother claims your peers called you names.

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Oh, yes sir. Kids called me “The chosen one”, “King of everything”, “The Revenant”, “Three’s humpany”, “Diary of a pimpy kid”, “Velociraptor”, and “My man” but like Denzel Washington says it.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Um, I’m sorry. “My man” the way Denzel Washington–

[Cut to Judge and Gaven]

Judge: Wait, wait. Let the record show the witness means, [saying it the proud way] “My man!”

[Judge claps and shakes hands with Gaven]

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yes. And did this affect your relationship with your family at all?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Oh, yes sir. My grandpa and dad were estranged. This event brought them back together.

[Cut to Gaven’s dad and grandpa sitting in the court looking proud of him.]

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: To illustrate Mr. Deli’s mental state in the days following here is a vine he posted the morning after the encounter.

[Cut to Gaven’s vine video. He is dancing willy and happily.]

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Janet: I can’t with this kid.

Kara: What a dork.

[Cut to Judge and Gaven]

Judge: Alright, you know what? We’ll take a short recess and then we’ll resume testimony from My Man!

[Gaven and Judge high fives]

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Paula: Wow, absolutely riveting testimony.

Bill: I know, that kid rules. At 16, I was still all about playing with legos. More after this.

[Cut to HLN outro]

[The End]

Super Crew

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Metalia… Ronda Rousey

Gazina… Cecily Strong

Solar… Jay Pharoah

Aviana… Leslie Jones

Noodle Man… Pete Davidson

Mr. Leathers… Taran Killam

The Beast… Kenan Thompson

Queen of Quata… Aidy Bryant

Koos-koos… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with giant robots destroying the city in Metro City – 2016.]

Vanessa: Maniac has unleashed his cyber beasts all over the city! We’re doomed.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle looking from the roof]

What are we going to do?

Kyle: It looks like the end.

[Hero entrance music playing]

Vanessa: Look, what’s that?

Kyle: I think help has arrived.

[Cut to the Super Crew. They all have their super hero costume on.]

Super Crew: Fear not friends, the super crew is here to save the day.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Thank god. The city is in trouble. Can you help?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: Of course we can. I am Metalia. I can bend metal with my mind.

[Metalia pulls out a metal pipe and bends it using her power.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: That’s gonna work great against these metal menaces. Go get em’!

[Cut to Super Crew]

Gazina: Hang on, coz you know there’s more here than just her and it’s really only fair for each to get an intro, okay?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Oh, okay. I’m sorry. Go ahead.

[Cut to Solar]

Solar: I’m Solar! I can harness the power of the sun to melt any material.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Great! You can melt the robots right now.

[Cut to the Super Crew]

Gazina: Yeah, and I think he probably will do that after we meet everyone.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

[Cut to Aviana]

Aviana: I am Aviana. I’m gifted with the power of flight.

Kyle: Awesome.

Aviana: But only as fast as you can walk and only for 2016 seconds at a time.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: That’s great.

[Cut to Aviana]

Aviana: I can do it twice a day.

[Noodle Man walks in]

Noodle Man: I’m Noodle Man. I can create a mountain of noodles to smother any fall. It’s noodle time.

[Noodle Man starts dancing]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: I think honestly we could get the job done with just the heat man and metal lady.

[Gazina walks in]

Gazina: Okay, can I talk to you for just a second? We don’t know each other very well but the more you interrupt this, the longer this is gonna take.

Vanessa: Okay. Um, how many are there total?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: Like, between six and 30.

[Cut to Mr. Leathers]

Mr. Leathers: I’m Mr. Leathers. At any moment I can be wearing leather. Oh, I have it on now.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay, I don’t see how that helps.

[blasting sound]

Kyle: Oh no! I think they attacked the orphanage.

[Cut to everybody. Aviana is flying.]

Aviana: Look, I’m flying.

Vanessa: Well, don’t waste it. Now you can only use it once more.

Aviana: No, this was the second time.

Kyle: Then what else can you do today?

Aviana: I’m not sure.

[The Beast walks in]

The Beast: I’m The Beast. [roars]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Now we’re talking.

The Beast: Yes! Because [Cut to The Beast] I’m obsessed with Beauty and the Beast.

[singing] a tale as old as time

[Queen of Quata walks in]

Queen of Quata: Hah! I’m Queen of Quata! I command the seas. But the question is will they obey? An the short answer is no.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay, so you can’t do anything?

[Cut to Queen of Quata]

Queen of Quata: I just love the beach. And I can eat sand and so far it hasn’t hurt me.

[Gazina walks in]

Gazina: I am Gazina. I have gay-dar but only for black men. Alert! One here is.

[Cut to The Beast and Solar]

Solar: I am? Oh!

[Koos-koos walks in]

Koos-koos: I don’t really have to go coz I’m very similar to Mr. Noodles, but my name is Koos-koos if that helps.

[Fire-butt walks in]

Fire-butt: And I’m Fire-butt.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Great! We think all of you are great.

Kyle: So now you can probably save the city, right?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: I’m on it.

[Metalia using power sound]

[The robots are melt down.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Metalia saved the day!

[Cut to Gazina]

Gazina: I’m sorry. Who saved the day?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay. We mean the Super Crew all together equally saved the day as a unit.

[Cut to Super Crew]

Super Crew: Yes!

[The End]

Screen Guild Awards

Cecily Strong

Brad Dunn… Taran Killam

Ronda Rousey

Jay Pharoah

Drew Mackenzie… Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

Barry Peele… Beck Bennett

Alan Smickel… Bobby Moynihan

Jacob Schultz… Jon Rudnitsky

Leslie Jones

Male voice: We now return to the Screen Guild Awards.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: And now, the award for the best actor. There were so many great performances this year. It’s a shame we couldn’t nominate more. But I think we can all agree these were the best of the best. For ‘Punching Upward’ [Cut to Brad] as a boxing coach who wouldn’t give up on his pupil, Brad Dunn.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Punching Upward’]

Brad: So that’s it, huh? You’re just gonna quit?

Jay: Man, I don’t know why I’m doing this anyway. I’ll never beat Ruiz.

Brad: Ay! Screw Ruiz. You know who you gotta beat? Him! [showing the mirror] That guy right there. That’s the toughest opponent you’ll ever face in the world.

[Cut to Brad and Drew]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘Shut Em Down’, a rockest look at rough and tumble 80s rap group Public Disaster, [Cut to Drew] in the role of Little Q, Drew Mackenzie.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Shut Em Down’]

Kenan: Man, they’ve been tryna’ shut us down from day one. Speak a little truth, and they tryna’ to take you out. But if anybody wants to leave, there’s the door. So who’s staying?

[Drew walks in]

Drew: Yeah, guys! Who’s staying? I know I am.

[Cut to Drew waving at the camera. Kenan is behind him looking angry.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘Thurgood’, the story of the first black supreme court justice Thurgood Marshall, [Cut to Barry] playing the role of Dave, Barry Peele.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Thurgood’.]

Sasheer: I can’t wait forever Marshall. Do you love me? Or your books?

Marshall: Viv, if I’m gonna make it as a lawyer, I got to work 10 times as hard as these white folks. It’s the only way it’s gonna work.

[Barry walks in]

Barry: Hey guys, we close in five minutes.

Marshall: Thanks Dave.

[Barry walks away]

[Cut to Barry waving at the camera. The actor who played Marshall is behind him looking angry.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘All the Beasts of Heaven’, the story of African child soldiers and the ruthless warlord who led them, [Cut to Alan] for his role of white man with camera, Alan Smickel.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘All the Beasts of Heaven’.]

Jay: You will eat when I say. You will sleep when I say. You will kill when I say.

[Alan walks in with a camera in. Jay cannot see him so Alan just turns around and walks away.]

When we fight, we will eat the beating hearts.

[Cut to Alan smiling and looking at the camera. Jay is sitting beside him looking funnily. Alan gives him hand for a high-five but Jay ignores him.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Finally, for ‘Red Line’, the story of discriminatory housing practices between African Americans in Chicago, [Cut to Jacob] for his role as unseen voice on phone, Jacob Schultz.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Red Line’.]

Leslie: [on the phone][sobbing] You white people think you can take anything you want. Well, this is my house and it’s not right.

Jacob: Okay. I’ll give him the message.

[Cut to Jacob smiling at the camera.]

[Cut to Leslie looking angry]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: And the best actor is…[Cecily opens the card] Oh! Oh my god, I knew it. It’s five way tie. All the white guys!

[All the white guys walk to the stage happily]

Alan: Whoo! We did it!

[The End]

Ronda Rousey Monologue

Ronda Rousey

Chad… Beck Bennett

Marc… Taran Killam

Coach… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Selena Gomez

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ronda Rousey.

[Ronda Rousey walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ronda Rousey: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. And thank you for coming out even though there’s two feet of snow on the ground. They’ve closed Broadway. They’ve closed movie theatres. Even closed all the bars. Such a night, we’re literally the only show in town. I’m so excited to be here because its the first time I’ll be live on television without getting punched in the face. It’s also the first time I’m talking to my fans since I lost to Holly Holm in November which by the way was a fight Holly deserved to win. And I just want to take a minute to sincerely congratulate her. [a short applause by audience] That’s enough! All those who are worried that I’m not ready to host this show because I’ve been brain damaged, relax! I’m good. Besides, everything I need is on cue cards.

[Cut to cue card. The cue card says “Your name is Ronda Rousey.”]

But in all seriousness, I’m fine and tonight I’m ready to crush it.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks to the corner.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: And that’s the end of the first round of monologue.

Marc: Ronda Rousey is off to a great start, don’t you think Chad?

Chad: I do, Marc. She’s warm yet funny. I like her chances tonight.

Marc: I mean, look at the funk as she prepares for next round.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey and Coach. Coach his her coach.]

Coach: Okay Ronda Baby. The crowd is with you. Now it’s time to really get them to make some noise.

Ronda Rousey: How am I supposed to do that, coach?

Coach: Well, you got to throw out some applause line. You know, stuff that they really cheer for.

Ronda Rousey: Isn’t that kind of cheap?

Coach: Do you wanna win this monologue or not? Now get your butt out there.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

Ronda Rousey: Sorry buddy. How does it feel to be in New York city?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Coach nodding his head proudly.]

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

And how about this, who here likes cake?

[audience whooping]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Marc: Oh! What a move going with cake.

Chad: Everybody loves cake Marc and Ronda knows that

Marc: Oh, looks like she’s getting ready for another joke.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: So, what’s up with this wonder-storm, huh?

Chad: There’s the set up.

Ronda Rousey: I haven’t seen this many flakes since I joined tinder.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience looking sad]

Marc: Oh no. And a rare misstep for Ronda. Clearly some of our audience used Tinder.

Chad: That one took a lot out of her.

[Cut to Coach comforting Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: I don’t know. I don’t know if I can keep going coach. I’m so tired.

Coach: Well, you sleep there in Update. But right now, it’s time for a sure thing. Why don’t you hit them with a little bit of Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber?

Ronda Rousey: But Justin Bieber isn’t even the news right now.

Coach: Don’t nobody care about that. Now go.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

[Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber walks in]

Justin Bieber: Hey girl, you’re not the only one who’s got quick moves. Watch me.

[Justin Bieber is jumping around]

Try and pop me. I bet you can’t pop me.

[Ronda Rousey slaps Justin Bieber]

Ow! She hit me. And now I got a boo-boo girl.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: Wow, and Ronda’s back with an assist by Bieber.

Marc: You know Chad, she’s gonna be asking by self will she join the ranks of all time champions Steve Martin?

Chad: It all depends on this final round.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

What’s this? Can it be a song?

[music stars playing. SNL cast members join Ronda Rousey as back up dancers.]

Marc: Oh! Look at this. The cast is joining her in.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Oh my god! They’ve even given the audience cake.

[Cut to Kyle eating cake and laughing at the audience.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Unbelievable. I didn’t know that Ronda could sing, Chad!

[Cut to the stage]

Ronda Rousey: I can’t. Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez.

[Selena Gomez walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Chad: Oh my god! What a move. And Ronda Rousey has won the monologue.

[UFC bell rings]

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All: Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All:Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Ronda Rousey: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Selena Gomez is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Game at Debra’s House

Debra… Ronda Rousey

Robbie… Beck Bennett

Mikie… Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Debra walking up to Robbie and Mikie]

Debra: Hey, Robbie. Hey, Mikie.

Robbie: Hey Debra.

Mikie: What’s up, Debra?

Debra: Were you guys able to talk to Don about the new customer service policies?

Robbie: Oh, not yet. But we’re definitely gonna get started digging our hands into it after lunch.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Great! Oh, and if you haven’t heard, I’m having some people over to game on Sunday, if you wanna come by.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh, yes.

Mikie: Oh, yes!

Robbie: Okay.

Mikie: Big game, you’re having people over for it?

[Cut to everyone]

Debra: Yeah. I thought it might be fun.

Robbie: Oh, it’s party time. Alright!

Debra: Um, not quite a party but some people hope it for sure. No big deal.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: Great! Me and him love parties. It’s one of our favorite things to go to.

Robbie: I always get invited to party. So, this is nothing new.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Oh well, mine’s Sunday starting at around 3.

[Cut to all. Debra is walking away.]

Mikie: Okay. Let me ask, morning or later?

Debra: 3 PM. Do not come to my house at 3 AM.

Mikie: Great! That’s actually easier for us.

Robbie: Yeah. Way easy for us. I’m actually scared at 3 AM.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Ah, okay. But there’s no reason to be scared.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: No. Not of a party.

Mikie: And of course, we’re gonna be doing what people do at party. So, a little bit of dancing, a little bit of what did you say?

[Cut to all]

Debra: Just watching football.

Robbie: Exactly! Yeah.

Debra: Feel free to bring something but no pressure.

[Debra is walking away]

Mikie: Um-hmm. Like a bucket.

Debra: We’re just going to be watching TV. So we don’t need buckets.

Mikie: Perfect!

Robbie: Oh, so yea, we’ll just bring in couple of TVs in?

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: I have a TV. You don’t have to bring one from home.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh that’s probably easier for us. We live two hours away. We don’t have a car.

Mikie: Yeah, thanks Obama.

Robbie: Oh, hey, do people have any allergies or–

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: I don’t think so.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Okay, great. Then I’ll find a couple of dogs to bring.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Please don’t bring dogs to my house.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh, okay. So you’re gonna provide the dogs?

Mikie: Oh, a very crazy affair.

Robbie: Ah!

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Have you guys not been to a party before?

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh yeah. Just not with other people.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Hey! I heard you guys talking about a party? I’m there. I’ll be the one with the nachos.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: Ay, we’ll be the ones with the towels.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Don’t know what that can mean.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: Coz we’re bringing towels to the party.

Robbie: Yeah, see you Sunday at 3 AM.

Mikie: PM.

Robbie: Oh, right!

[Cut to all]

Kenan: I’m gonna walk away right now.

Debra: I already have plenty of towels.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Lucky.

Mikie: We can bring rags.

Debra: Rags?

Mikie: You must know that those are little shredded towels.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: I know what rags are. And I don’t need anything like that.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: Say no more. That actually makes things a lot more easier for us.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: If you guys don’t wanna come, don’t stress.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh, no. We’re not stressed. We got body massages today.

Mikie: Yeah. We’re not stressed at all. We’ve been to a party or two before.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: I get it. Not your first ROYO.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: No one said anything about ROYO party.

Robbie: ROYO party. Either way, we get our clowns right?

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: No. It’s very casual. I’ll see you at my house Sunday or not.

[Debra walking away]

Mikie: Roger that. Now, just a curiosity. How do we get inside your place?

[Cut to Debra getting annoyed]

Debra: What?

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Is there a climbing situation? Or do you want us to smash in the front door?

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: No, it’s just a regular door and I’ll open it.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Perfect. Okay.

Mikie: That’s easier for us.

Robbie: Yeah.

[Cut to all]

Debra: Guys, you don’t really have to come.

Mikie: Oh, well, we do.

[Cut to Deb’s house at 3 AM]

[door bell ringing]

Robbie: Deb, wake up! We’re here to watch the game.

Mikie: We brought dogs and rags.

[door knocking]

[The End]

Flirting at the bar

Ronda Rousey

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Jay Pharoah

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

[Starts with three ladies walking to the bar at the club.]

Ronda: Three martinis please.

[Cut to three guys looking at the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Kate: Oh-oh! These guys were staring at you. [Cut to the guys walking towards the ladies] And I think they’re coming over here.

Jay: Yo, girl!

Taran: What’s up, girl?

Beck: Hello girl.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: Sorry guys, we’re kind of just having girls night.

[Cut to the guys]

Jay: Oh! Well, that’s perfect.

Taran: Yeah, coz actually we was looking to have girls night too.

Beck: Ha-ha. TJ, he’s such a mac. We’re all macs. We’re all player macs actually.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: Not interested.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: No, no, no. We’re not checking to see if you’re interested. We’re checking to see if you all think you can handle us.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.

[Cut to the guys]

Jay: Oh really?

[music playing]

[rapping] We won’t waste your time talking paper we stack in there
let us tell you about how we pack

Taran: Got a D so big you could ride it like a boat
throw it on the water, walk across it like a moat

Jay: I’ve even heard people say mine’s too much
I pulled it out my pants and I played double dutch

Taran: It’s no urban legend but take it from me
I let it sit shotgun, I can ride HOV

Beck: Don’t worry about mine I’ll go down on you

[Cut to the ladies looking confused]

[Cut to the guys. Jay and Taran are looking at Beck disappointed]

Jay: Faster than the train, you know what? Speeding bullet
so black and big, it was raised by Sandara Bullock

Taran: I walk with three lights when I’m not ever trying
If you was pinocchio’s nose, you’d know he was lying

Beck: Whatever! I’ll just go down on you
And I don’t take my pants off!

[Cut to the ladies looking speechless at what Beck is saying]

[Cut the guys]

Jay: You can get on the back and ride it like a rocket
it looked like an anaconda’s sticking out my pocket

Beck: Must be nice!

Taran: It stays hard like I keep it in the freezer
it leans to the left like the tower of Pisa

Beck: I’ll throw you on the bed, my pants are on
my shirt is on, my hat is on
my socks are on, my jacket’s on
blurred lines!

[Cut the the ladies shaking their heads]

Taran: I got more sausage than New Orleans got gumbo
When I pull down my pants, it looked just like Dumbo

Beck: When I pull down my pants, there’s another pair of pants
pants on, no negotiation!

Jay: Come on home with me, and I’ll break you off carpet
if my thing had a voice, it would sound like Mufasa

Beck: We’ve been doing all the talking let’s let her talk
like what’s your favorite passion and way to dance?
is it belly bottoms or the boogie-woogie?
or satin blows and cha-cha-cha

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: You’re not even trying to rhyme.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: I am trying!

Taran: Yo girl, want some good time? Come roll with me
coz my thing goes deeper than poetry

Jay: When they see it, they get show
wank to it and use it as a lasso

Beck: I got a great job. I’ll go down on you. What are we even– I don’t love it but I’ll do it!

[Cut to the guys nodding to the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Ronda: That was disgusting, immature and most of all, a bad rap.

[Beck walks forward and pushes Kate’s shoulder]

Beck:  absolutely disagree!

Jay: What are you doing, man?

Ronda: What the hell are you doing?

Beck: I barely pushed her.

[The ladies walk away]

I’m sorry.

[a girl walks by Beck]

I got a small penis but I’ll go down on you.

[The End]

Drone Milfs

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Jan Crang… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Dutt… Kate McKinnon

MC Strategy… Kyle Mooney

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Mary Bonom… Ronda Rousey

Pete Davidson.

[Starts with Bobby and Cecily at their desk]

Bobby: Motion passes.

Cecily: Okay, so that concludes action items. We now begin the citizen’s forum and open the podium to the members of the community.

Bobby: As a reminder, swearing is prohibited. If you cannot express your opinion without using foul language, I encourage you to leave.

[Cut to Leslie at the podium]

Leslie: Bye!

[Leslie leaves]

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Alright then, I guess we’ll start with you ma’am. Hello.

[Cut to Jan Crang at the podium]

Jan Crang: Jan Crang, female, aged 47.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: There is no need to state your age and sex, Ms. Crang. What is your concern?

[Cut to Jan Crang]

Jan Crang: Well the teens have taken their mischief to the skies and I am talking about drones. I snatched this one out of the air when it whizzed over my backyard while I was sunbathing, and it’s little camera snapped some pics of me in my tanning trunks. They are supposed to be used on some kind of website called drone-milfs. Well, jokes on them. How can I be a milf when I don’t have any children? I move to ban these bots and free the drone milfs!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: But we can’t ban drones but I suggest contacting a lawyer about unauthorized use of your picture.

[Cut to Jan Crang]

Jan Crang: Thank you. Once again, Jan Crang. As in Cranga-tang!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Yes, we know. Thank you. Hello there, Mrs. Dutt. Back again so soon.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt at the podium]

Mrs. Dutt: Yes. I was banned from singing center agian. I’m here to ask for reinstatement.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Mrs. Dutt, this is the third time this month.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: That’s not my fault. I had a Rockstar energy drink that lit a fire under my taunt. I was playing monopoly with Ethal, and she bought Marvin’s gardens but I wanted Marvin’s gardens. So I said, “Well I want that!” But she refused! So I knocked her over the game and I started tearing the little red hood, teased everybody in the little activity’s room. And I pulled a fire alarm and I yelled, “I am the nightmare!”

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Mrs. Dutt, I’m not gonna do this.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: I am not done. And then I ran outside and I claimed a tree. I grabbed some wasps nest and turned it into a zumba class.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Geez! Well, do you promise to stay away from Rockstar energy drink?

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: If I told you yes, that would be a lie.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Well then, I’m sorry. Request denied.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: I understand.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Moving on. Hi there, young man. How are you?

[Cut to MC Strategy at the podium]

MC Strategy: My name is MC Strategy. I’m originally from Holand but I’m here to spread dope beats on the cautious tip. [yelling]Real-Hip-Hop! As you know, next Sunday is the pop Warner’s youth football championship games. My question to you is, instead of star spankled banners, may I perform a four and half concert along side the rest of the Mythic Insight’s crew? Man styles, and DJ Liner?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: I believe Caroline chew is going to sing the national anthem during the game.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: What if I promise to bring the Abstract thoughts?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Well, I would still say no.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: Right. Well, thank you for being part of the evolution. Please pick up my CD outside of the Papa Johns!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Definitely. Definitely will. Hi there, Mr. Lumus.

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom at the podium]

Gary: Lu? Call me Gary. I’d like to introduce my good friend Mary Bonom. She’d like to apply for an event permit and I told her I’d help her out. Say some kind of tight with you guys.

Mary Bonom: Hi there. I want an old time traveling carnival in side show. I’d like to set my tents in your town square for two week engagement. My side show includes such human arteez as Tod, the lost Baldwin brother.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Oh. And what else do you have?

[cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: That’s it.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: All your carnival has is ‘Tod the lost Baldwin brother’?

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: Yeah.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: I’m sorry. I think we’re gonna pass.

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: Alright, cool. Thanks for your time.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, yes. Hello there, young man.

[Cut to Pete at the podium]

Pete: Um, wad up? I lost a drone. Anybody turning one in?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Do you for chance have a website called drone-milfs?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah! It’s dope, right?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yeah, but the search bar is hard to find and when you create an account you should be able to save your favorites, but we do not have your drone. And it looks like we are out of time. Meeting adjourned. Drive save, everybody!

[The End]

Bland Man

Dan… Taran Killam

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Ronda Rousey

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Selena Gomez

[Starts with Bland Man intro]

Male voice: One very bland man. 25 long haired women. Who will he choose to be his bride? It all happens tonight on Bland Man.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan: My name is Dan and I’m from Chicago or Denver or something. I have blue eyes, brown hair and grey shirt. And tonight, I’m looking forward to getting to know the girls a little bit.

[Cut to Dan and Vanessa sitting on a bench at the park.]

Vanessa: Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Vanessa: Thank you for our date this morning. I loved going to your old high school and watching you cry.

Dan: [laughing] Tell me, what do you look for in a guy?

Vanessa: Well, I know you’re gonna make fun of me, but I wanna guy who’s like my dad. Smart like my dad. Hard working like my dad. And with the same body and penis as my dad.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hi. Can I steal him for a second?

[Vanessa walks away and Kate sits beside Dan]

Thank you. Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Kate: Thanks for our date this afternoon. I loved taking a race car to that improv class with you.

Dan: I hope I didn’t move too fast.

Kate: What?

Dan: I’m kidding.

Kate: [weird laughing] That’s a funny joke. I love that we can laugh together.

Dan: Me too.

Kate: [weird laughing] Oh, my god! It feels so good to laugh because before this, I was in a really bad college.

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Can I steal him for a sec?

Kate: Yeah.

[Kate walks away and Ronda sits beside Dan]

Ronda: Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Ronda: Thank you for a date this afternoon. I loved taking that hot air balloon with the cast of Chicago Fire.

Dan: Yeah. Tonight’s nice too. I like the moon.

Ronda: Yeah.

Dan: But–

Ronda: Moon’s nice.

Dan: Yeah. But I also like the day, you know? With the sun.

Ronda: Yeah, the sun is so nice.

Dan: [laughing] We have so much in common.

Ronda: Dan, can I ask you something? Can I wear jeans tomorrow?

Dan: Um, no.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Can I steal him for a second?

[Ronda walks away and Cecily sits beside Dan]

Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too. So, tell me about yourself.

Cecily: Well, I’m a virgin but I’m very quick to do the stuff I do.

Dan: Wow, That’s cool.

Cecily: Then why didn’t you say so in our date today?

Dan: Because we were rolling down a hill in two giant hamster balls.

Cecily: Sorry I got mad. But that’s not me. Well, it is me but I’m doing a bad job hiding it.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Cecily walks away and Aidy sits beside Dan]

Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too. So tell me about yourself.

Aidy: Well, I’ve had to wear a damp bikini all week so now it hurts when I pee. Also, there’s something I wanna tell you Dan, but can I be completely honest with you?

Dan: Of course.

Aidy: I have a son. And five daughters. They’re right here.

[Cut to Dan, Aidy and six kids.]

They can’t wait for you to be their daddy. They’re so sweet but they are a lot of work. And this one, [pulls one kid near her] he always has a ton of cash and he won’t tell me where it’s from.

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: Can I steal him for a sec?

Aidy: Yeah.

[Aidy walks away and Sasheer sits beside Dan]

Sasheer: Um, I like this.

Dan: So, tell me about yourself.

Sasheer: Well, I’m the black one.

Dan: [hold’s Sasheer’s hand] Let me walk you out.

Sasheer: Wait! Wait! I didn’t tell you yet that everyone I ever met is dead.

Dan: Oh, you have a sad past? Then, you can stay one more week.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Can I steal him for a second?

[Sasheer walks away and Kate sits beside Dan]

Dan: Hey, long time no see.

Kate: [weird laughing] Oh, my god! You are literally the funniest person I’ve ever met. And I know two Jews.

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Sorry, can I steal him for a minute?

[Kate walks away and Ronda sits beside Dan]

Dan: So, tell me about yourself.

Ronda: Well, I served in Iraq. I was a waitress in the diner there for three years.

Dan: That sounds hard. And now what do you do?

Ronda: Well, right now I do this. And then after this, I’m gonna do co-appearances until I die.

Dan: Me too.

Ronda: Also on the weekends, I volunteer at a kill-shelter.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

[Ronda walks away and Cecily sits beside Dan]

Dan: So, um, are you having a good time?

Cecily: It’s hard. All the girls hate me just because I’m so mean to them. And this made me realize that I have some deep emotional problems and I need to go home and deal with them.

Dan: I would be sad to see you go.

Cecily: Okay, then I’ll stay and just be so insane.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Can steal him for a second?

[Cecily walks away and Aidy sits beside Dan]

Dan, I need to be completely honest with you.

Dan: Okay.

Aidy: Okay. I have one enormous toe. Like it’s so big. And I’ve been so self-conscious about it my entire life. I need you to see it.

[Aidy raises her feet and her thumb is really, really big.]

Dan: Holy!

[Selena walks in]

Selena: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks away and Selena sits beside Dan]

Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Selena: And I love being here for the 25th season of the show because I was conceived during the second season.

Dan: Wow, I feel so connected to you. Remind of your name again?

Selena: I’m Selena Gomez.

Dan: Okay, I’ll go with her. We can stop. I’m gonna go with her. I’m gonna go.

[The End]

BAMM – Bullies Against Mixed Martial Arts

Chad… Beck Bennett

Beckka… Ronda Rousey

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with a basketball court in college decorated with dim lights for a romantic vibe. Chad brings in Beckka.]

Chad: Keep your eyes closed.

Beckka: Of course, Chad.

Chad: No peeking. [they walk forward] Alright.

[Beckka opens her eyes. There is a table for two and a disco-ball over it.]

Sorry it’s not a fancy restaurant

Beckka: This is so much better. I love it. You did all of this for me?

Chad: Well, yeah! I like you. I just wanted tonight to be special. [they take seat]

Beckka: I can’t believe I’m sitting here with Chad Channon. I didn’t even think you knew who I was.

Chad: Are you kidding me? I’ve had a crush on you for a while. [Beckka smiles] Try your soup.

Beckka: Wow, it’s so crunchy.

Chad: Do you like it?

Beckka: What is it?

[someone laughing at the mic]

Vanessa: It’s dog food.

[All the lights turn on. There are other girls laughing at Beckka.]

Congratulations, new girl.  You just ate real dog food. What’s the matter? Isn’t that what bitches eat?

[The girls come near Chad and Beckka]

Beckka: Chad, what’s going on?

Chad: What?

Vanessa: We played a trick on you, idiot! Did you really think that my boyfriend, the most popular guy at South Jeffery High would ask the weird new girl on a date? Wake up!

Beckka: You just pretended to like me chad?

Chad: Yeah, sorry.

Vanessa: How embarrassing for you. At least the whole school isn’t watching this on para-scope. Oh, wait! They are.

[Cut to Kate recording the video]

Kate: Say hi to the whole school.

Sasheer: A star is born.

Vanessa: What a shame too. She got all dolled up. Where did you get your dress? Is it from Walmart? See, I own this school. And you don’t talk to my boyfriend, and you cer–

[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face]

[Vanessa is bleeding]

It’s okay, you guys. That barely hurt. [Vanessa walks to Beckka again] I hope it was worth it new girl because I am going to ruin your life. See, when you’re the popular–

[Beckka slaps Vanessa again]

Chad: Ah!

[Vanessa has Beckka’s palm marked on her cheek]

[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face again]


[Vanessa is clapping]

Vanessa: Bravo! But before you give an encore let me just say–

[Beckka slap-kicks Vanessa and Vanessa falls down]

[Everyone is shocked]

[Vanessa slowly stands up]

Are you mad that I knocked over the basketballs new girl?

Beckka: No. I kicked you into them.

Vanessa: Ooh, cool words. Well– [Vanessa takes a ball and throws at Beckka] Think fast!

[Beckka hits Vanessa with a ball so fast and Vanessa falls.]

[Vanessa slowly stands up]

You wanna play dirty? Give it to me. I got your diary. [reading diary] Dear Dolly.

[Beckka beats Vanessa up bad]

Chad: What?

[Vanessa is knocked out and Beckka starts walking out]

[Chad following Beckka]

Hey, Beckka. I saw what you did back there. It was pretty cool. You wanna grab a burger?

[Beckka hits Chad on his neck]

[Cut to Vanessa on the floor all beat up.]

Vanessa: I’m fine.

Male voice: One in five bullies will be a victim of mixed martial arts. Don’t be a statistic. Brought to you by BAMM! Bullies against mixed martial arts.