Tag: Rosco

Town Hall Meeting

David Stangle… Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Earl… Matthew McConaughey

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Rosco… Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a hall having a presentation]

David: And um, let me just start off by saying that we at N-tracker are so excited to work with all of you here. Benson, we think you’ve got a great little town.

Bobby: Yeah, well we are very excited to hear your plan.

David: Oh, good, good, good. Well, I know some of you have some concerns but we do think that a high speed rail line can grow our state’s economy by about 20% in the next decade.

[Cut to Earl. He is wearing a leather jacket and he has long hair.]

Earl: Go home! Yeah, you! Keep your fancy numbers and your pie charts coz we’re not buying it!

[Cut to David]

David: Um, sir, we are very confident in the research that we’ve done.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh! Is that so, college?

[Cut to David]

David: My name is David Stangle.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: No, college. You’re college coz you stroll in here with your fancy degree and you think you own the place. Huh? Well I’m sorry, I didn’t go to college. My only credential is I love this town.

[Cut to David. Beck stands.]

Beck: Um, David, if I may. [turns to Earl] Let’s look at the numbers. Everyone turn to page two of the proposal.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Books brothers!

[Cut to David and Beck]

Beck: Now hold on, sir.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: No, you hold on books brothers. Hah! You stand there in your fancy suit and your $22 smile. Well I might not dress like you but this ain’t Park Avenue. This is Benson.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Aidy: I gotta say Earl, I’ve studied this proposal and it could be big for this town.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh, is that so? Little miss I know how to read!

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Aidy: I do know. I know how to read.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh, you think coz you can read those little squiggles on that page and turn them to words in your brain, that means something like you’re smarter than me?

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Aidy: I mean, I wanna say yes.

Bobby: Earl, look, I respect your passion. But you know, I think we should just hear these folks out.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh, is that what you think? Shoes!

[Cut to David, Bobby and Aidy]

David: Yeah! Um, why don’t we get back to the presentation. Now, as you can see this project could create 50 local jobs in the next year alone.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah, yeah. Save your breath real hand!

[Cut to David]

David: Real hand?

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah! [you can now see that Earl’s left hand is made out of plastic] You think coz you never got pissed drunk and slept on your own hand for two days till it died, that makes you some kind of expert? Hah! Let me think! Dah, no!

[Cut to Cecily and Beck]

Cecily: Earl, Earl, this train could be great for us. The chart doesn’t lie.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Well it so happens, I brought a chart of my own. Show them, Rosco.

[Rosco comes in showing a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine that they have ruined by making horns and mustache on it.]

Hah! What do you think of that?

[Cut to Beck and Cecily]

Cecily: I think you drew a Hitler mustache on top Thomas the Tank Engine.

[Cut to Cecily, Beck, David, Bobby, Aidy]

Bobby: Um, how about we just open this up to the rest of the town?

[Cut to Earl. Kenan stand up]

Kenan: Well yes, I’m very much in favor of this proposal.

Earl: Well, I bet you are Mr. never got hit or bit by a bat.

Kenan: Tell us more about that one.

Earl: Just coz you didn’t rampaging through a dark barn, hear a bunch of fluttering that you thought might be just a pretty lady, then you took your clothes off, got a pair of fangs right in the face and another in the pecker, you think that makes you better than me?

[Cut to David]

David: Yes! Everyone here is better than you.

[Cut to Earl and Kenan]

Earl: I- I- I can’t believe this. After all I’ve done to save this town.

[Cut to Cecily and Beck]

Cecily: No. You blocked the road with your snow plow coz you said the Age of Ultron was coming.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah, well hindsight 2020, nice rack!

[Cut to Beck and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh! [looks at her breasts and blushes]

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Okay look, all in favor of the train coming through Benson?

[Everyone raises their hands]

All oppose?

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Boo!

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Motion passes. The train will come through Benson.

[cut to Earl looking disappointed]

Earl: Oh, fine! Fine! I wanna be the conductor.

[Cut to David]

David: Absolutely not.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Fine! I want a picture with the train.

[Cut to David]

David: Uff! Sure.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah? Yeah? You not lying?

David: No.

Earl: Yeah! [hits the table and looks at Kenan] We did it! High-five, huh? Ha-ha-ha. High-five, Rosco. Hay!

[Cut to the newspaper article headline “Ultron Invades Benson, He Took The Train”.]

[The End]

Cut for Time: Date in Mexico

Chris Redd

Cecily Strong

Rosco… Will Farrell

Waiter… Bowen Yang

Waitress… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a sea beach villa’s clip]

Chris: Honey, this has been a really special vacation. Thank you.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily having drinks at the restaurant]

Cecily: Aw, thanks. Not everyday my man graduates veterinarian school.

Chris: Well, I didn’t graduate. I’m just not going anymore.

Cecily: Still, something to celebrate.

[Waiters walks in with two drinks]

Waiter: Two Cocolatus.

Cecily: Oh, we didn’t order these.

Waiter: Compliments of the gentleman over there.

[Rosco is sitting alone at the next table]

Rosco: How are you folks this evening?

Cecily: Great, thank you. How are you?

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: I couldn’t be any freaking better. Woo, I’m in love.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Oh, that’s great.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: Yeah, she’s gonna meet me. Her name is Subina. She’s from Moldova.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, cool. How did you meet?

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: On a website, where you look for Moldavian women. I sent her flowers, it cost $800.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Wow, you must be well off.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: Well, I do what I can. It’s worth it when you’re in love. Like this trip to Mexico.

[A waitress walks in with a hugs lobster]

Waitress: Lobster for two.

Rosco: Yes, that’s for me and Subina. She’s my girlfriend from Moldova. And she’s meeting me here in Mexico.

Waitress: Oh, that’s great.

Rosco: Yeah, we’re in love. And that’s why I bought her a plane ticket from Moldova to Mexico to meet me. And I bought the lobster and caviar for dinner for two. It’s prepaid.

Waiter: Yeah, I saw that.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Well, she’s a very lucky lady.

Chris: Is she still up in the room, or?

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: She’s coming from Moldova. She should be here any minute. It’s the first time we’ve ever met in person.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh! Hah!

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: You wanna see a picture of Subina?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Oh, sure.

[Rosco showing them her picture on his phone]

Rosco: What do you think? She’s beautiful, right?

Cecily: Well, lot of make up.

Chris: Very pretty.

Cecily: Never seen a phone screen that cracked!

Rosco: You wanna see one of just the bod?

Cecily: Oh, no.

Rosco: Check that out! Right? Right? This guy knows what I’m talking about. My mom says I make bad choices. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, right!

Cecily: Well, thanks for the drinks.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: I’m in love, woo! [phone ringing] Oh, that’s Subina now. [talking on the phone] Hi, baby. What? What do you mean, baby? What are you saying? So, you’re not coming? Where are you now? Moldova? Well, I can buy you a new ticket. Baby! Baby! Ba-baby! Baby, no wait. Baby, don’t. Wait. [He looks at the phone and drops it on the table.]

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Are you okay?

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: No, I’m not okay. I need a minute.

[Rosco walks out]

[Rosco screaming in anger]

[Rosco walks back]

Waitress: Is everything okay, sir?

[Cut to Rosco and waitress]

Rosco: Subina dumped me. My credit card bounced on her ticket and she dumped me.

Waitress: Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s really tough. So, do you still want the caviar service?

Rosco: Yeah, I paid for it.

Waitress: Well, I’m really sorry.

[Waitress walks away]

Rosco: I’m not well off.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: What’s that?

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: You said earlier I must be well off. I’m not. I’m a shoe shiner. And I wash feet at a salon.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Oh! Okay.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: I can’t even pay for this stupid lobster I’m eating. I borrowed the money from my mom to pay for this trip. And now Subina’s [eats the lobster] not even coming. Filth!

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, you’re not supposed to eat the shell.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: I don’t know that. I’ve never had lobster before. [coughs] I’m allergic. [Roscotakes out a woven panties] You two should have these. I bought them for Subina but useless now.

Cecily: Sorry, what is this?

Rosco: Candy panties for Subina, because she sweep like candy. And she wears panties.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I think we’re good.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: Then don’t think them of as panties. All right? Think of them as a regular dandy. I only wore them more than once.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: We’re only here for two nights, so.

[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: I’m gonna Facetime Subina, okay? And convince her to come to Mexico. [phone ringing]

Subina: Hello

Rosco: Subina, it’s me Rosco. I’m your baby, remember?

Subina: I don’t know. You’re not sending me money anymore.

Rosco: I can send money. If I send money now, will you come to Mexico?

Subina: I don’t know.

Unknown male voice: Baby, come back to bed.

Subina: I’m working.

Rosco: That’s her brother.

Subina: I have to go. Good bye Roger.

Rosco: It’s Rosco. And should I wait for you or– ?

[Waitress walks in]

Waitress: Your caviar sir.

Rosco: Oh! It’s just fish! Get it away from me!

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Well, you know what? I’m sure you’ll meet someone soon because you seem like a real catch.

[Cut to Rosco]

Rosco: No, there’s only Subina. [phone beeping] Oh! It’s Lily Anna. Another Moldavian woman. She just Venmo requested me $1,000. I’m in love again.