Weekend Update on Doug Jones Defeating Roy Moore

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey everyone. Merry Christmas.

Michael che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Doug Jones and Roy Moore at left top corner.]

Well, congratulations to Alabama’s newest senator, not Roy Moore. [cheers and applause] That’s literally what’s it’s gonna say on his name plate. [Picture changes to Doug Jones on his desk with the name plate ‘Sen. Not Roy Moore’.] Doug Jones has become the first democrat to win a senate seat in Alabama in over 20 years. Said Roy Moore, “Gross. Over 20 years?”

After Jones’s victory, president Trump tweeted, “Congratulations to Doug Jones. The people of Alabama are great and the republicans will have another shot. It never ends!” That’s it? You just went all in for an accused paedophile and when he lost, Trump’s just like, “Well, we had fun. Good game, guys.” Like nothing happened. He could be removed from office tonight and tomorrow he’d tweet, “Congrats to Robert Mueller on a great investigation. Had a fun time being president. Catch you on the flippity-flop! #DietCokeTime”

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of Doug Jones and Roy Moore at right top corner.]

Michael che: Flippity-flop? On Tuesday, we saw exactly why republicans try to keep black people from voting. 98% of black women voted for Doug Jones bringing the total number of black women who voted for Roy Moore to just Sheryl. Dammit, Sheryl.

Democratic national committee chairman Tom Perez tweeted, “#BlackWomen led us to victory… and we can’t take that for granted.” Um, but I bet you will. And you know why? It’s because democrats know that black people aren’t really democrats. We just vote fo the guy that looks less likely to put us on a boat. Here’s how I vote. I look at both candidates. I listen to them speak. And then I ask myself, “If I got pulled over, which one of these candidates would I rather see approaching my car?” And it’s almost always not the one on a horse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of nine senators at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Nine senators this week have called on President Trump to resign from office over the allegations of sexual assault. The problem is, you’re never gonna shame president grab ass out of office. Shame for Trump is like spinach for Popeye. It only makes him stronger. Specially with inappropriate sex stuff coz he has already openly bragged about it. He didn’t go on Howard’s turn 37 times to talk about real estate. All I’m saying is it’s hard to assassinate a guy’s character when his character already committed suicide 40 years ago.

[Cut to Michael che. There are pictures of nine senators at right top corner.]

Michael che: I actually think president Trump should at least consider resigning. I mean, you’ve made your point already, dude. The political system is broken and probably rigged and any idiot that understands television could mobilize the angriest people in the country with lies and insults, and still somehow be more like-able than Hillary Clinton. Point taken. We learned our lesson. What else is there? If this was a Christmas movie, this could be the part where you winked at the camera and disappeared and then we realized that you lived inside of us the whole time.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of 75th Golden Globe Awards at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There were no female directors nominated for a Golden Globe this year. It’s a snob women in Hollywood are calling “The least of our problems.” [Picture changes to the people in Hollywood industry accused of sexual assault allegations.]

Roy Moore & Jeff Sessions Cold Open

Heidi gardner

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Roy Moore… Mikey Day

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Heidi and Mike Pence in Vice President’s office]

Heidi: Mr. Vice President, Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore is here.

Mike Pence: Great, send him in.

[Roy Moore walks in. he is wearing a cowboy hat.[

[Heidi walks out.] [cheers and applause]

Roy Moore: How are you doing, Mike?

Mike Pence: Roy, I don’t have to tell you that the senate hangs in the balance. We are trying to pass a tax reform plan this year to bring Mr. Trump’s list of big legislative accomplishments to one. We can’t lose your seat this December.

Roy Moore: Yes, sir.

Mike Pence: Now, I know you’re Bannon’s guy but this latest news about you is concerning. Voters in Alabama will never elect someone who has had relations with a minor.

Roy Moore: You sure about that?

Mike Pence: No. Alabama is quite a place. But we can’t take chances.

Roy Moore: Mike, look, it’s all lies. I’m not that guy.

Mike Pence: Perhaps, roy, perhaps. But it’s hard to convince people that you are not into young girls when you dress like Woody from Toy Story.

Roy Moore: Come on. The left wing media loves to repeat these sexual harassment stories. There is a new every day, Mike.

Mike Pence:  I know, even I heard about Louis C.K. and I’m only allowed to listen to the TV. But this girl who accused you was 14 years old, Roy. You have got to do the right thing here.

Roy Moore: Alright. If everyone thinks I did it, I’ll marry her.

Mike Pence: No, Roy, no. No, Roy. I want you to consider stepping aside. Don’t think of it as ending your campaign. Think of it as going to conversion therapy to turn yourself into someone who is no longer a candidate.

Roy Moore: I mean, come on, sir, do we have to do it this way? Can’t we just call the boss?

Mike Pence: Sorry, I’m not going to call Vladimir Putin about this. Now, I can’t make you do anything, Roy, but I want you to think long and hard about this. I will give you a couple of minutes to consider.

[Mike Pence walks out]

Roy Moore: Oh, dang! What a pickle this is. What am I gonna do?

[Jeff Sessions comes out of a cupboard] [cheers and applause]

Jeff Sessions: You’re gonna drop out, that’s what you’re gonna do.

Roy Moore: Hey, Jeff Sessions, what are you doing here?

Jeff Sessions: Well, I was just doing what I always do. Cooking up nightmares for children. It’s good I”m here because I have been meaning to talk to you. Have a seat.

Roy Moore: alright.

Jeff Sessions: Now, Roy, you’ve been doing some controversial stuff. You wave a gun around on stage. Tell folks Muslims shouldn’t be allowed in the congress and that9/11 was god’s punishment for sodomy. I love it. You check a lot of boxes for me, Roy.

Roy Moore: Thank you, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: But, this is really bad. I’m usually the creepiest one in the room bu tI look at you and I’m like, “Oh, my god.” I got the goose flesh. They say you even admitted to being with a couple of 16 year olds.

Roy Moore: Oh, come on, Jeff. You know I was just kidding.

Jeff Sessions: Ah! Alright, that’s a relief.

Roy Moore: No. Kidding is the term I use for dating young ladies.

Jeff Sessions: Alright! Alright, get on out of here. I’m Alabama but you, sir, are too Alabama. Get out. [Roy Moore walks out] Get on. Leave me to my Gerrymandering. Oh, Papa, I need some advice. [Jeff Sessions pulls out an animal doll] Papa, what’s going on? I want to be happy again. I want to go back to the senate, daddy. I’ll be good. I’ll talk to Kamala Harris. I promise. But there are so many men out there acting like monsters. Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, the president. Daddy, has this been happening forever? Have I and benefitted from a system of oppression? No? Well, that’s a relief. I love you daddy. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.