Giuliani Cold Open

Gretchen Carlson… Venessa Bayer

Rudolph Giuliani… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan


Rudolph Giuliani’s thought… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson in her news set]

Gretchen Carlson: Welcome back. I am Gretchen Carlson. [cheers and applause.] Joining us now is former mayor Rudolph Giuliani [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani nodding his head] who got in some hot water last week at a private dinner for governor Scott Walker when he said, “I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the President loves America.”

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Since then Mr. Giuliani has been arguing his point in the Wall Street Journals and many shows just like this one. And he is certainly not backing down [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Are you, Mr. mayor?

Rudolph Giuliani: No, not at all, Gretchen. [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani] I’m sorry, but this president doesn’t have the same love of our great country. Look, I know this is a horrible thing to say but he was brought up different. He’s just not like the rest of us. I mean, is that too much?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: Absolutely not. You warned us that what you were about to say would be horrible, so it’s fine. Let’s take a quick break and we’ll have more with mayor Rudy Giuliani.

Kyle: And we’re clear. Three minute break, guys.

[Kyle and Sasheer walk in the stage.]

Sasheer: That was really great Mr. Giuliani.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani. Sasheer is putting make up on Rudolph Giuliani]

We’re so glad to have you on the shoe.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: How did we end up here? In this dump. You were America’s mayor. Remember?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani]

Rudolph Giuliani: Um, I’m gonna take a walk. Excuse me.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands and walks away]

[Cut to a written video as “GIULIANI or (The unexpected virtue of ignorance)”]

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani at the hallway of the studio]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: I should have done that morning radio show they offered us. “Rise With Rudy.” It would have been 100 times more dignified than this.

[Rudolph Giuliani runs into Bobby]

Bobby: Sir, where are you going?

Rudolph Giuliani: Ah, I just need to take a walk.

Bobby: Okay, well, don’t go too far. We’ve got a very busy day today. You are crushing it, man! At C-PAC you are a rock star. Here, you are talking with Ted Cruz from 1 to 3 and tonight you’re doing a video message and archery demonstration with Ted Nugent. Wang-dang!

Rudolph Giuliani: Ya, ya, ya! That sounds great.

Bobby: Okay.

[Bobby gets on his way and Rudolph Giuliani starts walking in the hallway.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: You once stood at stage of Madison Square Garden with The Hoo and The Stones, man! The 9/11 benefit. Everyone loved you. And now, look at you. Jump in the water for an endless frenzy of cable news.

[Rudolph Giuliani walks in the dressing room. Caroline is there.]

Rudolph Giuliani: Caroline, I thought we were gonna meet downstairs.

Caroline: Are you excited, dad?

Rudolph Giuliani: What?

Caroline: Are you excited that you’re on TV again? You think you’re relevant? You’re not. You were in consulting business. You’re not on twitter. You haven’t been elected to any office in 15 years. No one cares.

Rudolph Giuliani: Oh, yeah? Well if no one cares, why is everybody talking about what I said, huh? Whoah!

[Rudolph Giuliani gestures as pulling down the photo frame, and the frame actually drops down from the wall.]

[Rudolph Giuliani fixes his suit] Excuse me!

[Rudolph Giuliani walks out of the dressing room and is walking in the hallway again.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: She has no clue. You were almost president for a few months in 2007. You were front runner. You were one of the greats. You were… a hero.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands still. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought appears behind him with a black mask and black wings. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought is wearing the same suit as Rudolph Giuliani.]

We were strong, beloved and our hair rocked. Let’s go back one more time and show them what we’re capable of. Admit it, you like to see something terrible happen right now so you can save the day.

Rudolph Giuliani: I would not like that.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Come on, don’t be a panty-waste. A minor emergency. No one really gets hurt.

Rudolph Giuliani: No.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Fine! I’ll just pull the fire alarm

Rudolph Giuliani: Do not!

[Kyle walks in and Rudolph Giuliani’s thought leaves]

Kyle: Mr. Giuliani. Where were you? We got five seconds for you. Come on.

Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, let’s go.

Kyle: Five, four, three, two and one.

[Cut to The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: We’re back with mayor Rudy Giuliani. [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Mr. Mayor, some are saying you might be promoting yourself at the expense of the republican.

[The alarm goes off]

Oh dear! What is that?

Rudolph Giuliani: [stands up] Fire alarm. Rudolph Giuliani gets a mic-speaker. Everyone remain calm. We’ll get through this together if you’ll listen to me. Save your ‘thank yous’ for later.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani’s thought]

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought: We’re back, and live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.