Mike Pence… Beck Bennett
Karen… Lauren Holt
Doctor… Mikey Day
Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph
Joe Biden… Alex Moffat
Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon
Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson[Starts with NBC news intro]
Male voice: And now, vice-president Mike Pence receives the COVID-19 vaccine on live TV.[Cut to Mike pence walking in to get vaccine]
Mike Pence: Hello. Thank you. I’m sure all Americans are excited to see me. The guy who let covid spread everywhere get one of the first vaccines. And my wife Karen will get one as well. [Karen nods her head yes] Would you like to say anything? [Karen shakes her head no] But you can talk. [Karen raises her shoulder] See you soon, mother. Before we begin, I just want to reassure the American people that this vaccine is completely safe and harmless. That’s why President Trump refuses to take it or talk about it. Instead, he sent me here to be his, what do you call it?
Doctor: Human shield?
Mike Pence: That’s right. That’s exactly the phrase he used. He is a colorful man. Even more fun on steroids.
Doctor: He’s still taking those?
Mike Pence: Speaking of roids, you’re probably noticing that I’m rocking short sleeves for this. So, if I look swole as F, that’s not an allergic reaction. I’ve been lifting weights in my driveway like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty and that’s where the similarities end.
Doctor: You don’t have to keep talking.
Mike Pence: I do. I do. So, thank you to all Americans for trusting President Trump with your health. He may not be doing president anymore, but he still cares deeply about not going to prison.
Doctor: Should we just start?
Mike Pence: Alright. You win, doc. Let’s get this over with.[Karen starts opening his pants.]
Doctor: No, no. Mr. Vice President, it’s not that kind of vaccine.
Mike Pence: Oh, no. It’s okay. If you’re a doctor, you can go in.
Doctor: Mr. Vice President, it’s a simple injection in your arm.
Mike Pence: Oh. Okay. Cool.
Doctor: Really easy, and there you go.
Mike Pence: I didn’t feel a thing.
Doctor: Yes, it’s totally painless.
Mike Pence: No. I meant for the past four years, I haven’t felt a thing. Just kind of watched the country burn.
Doctor: Okay. Well, I’m not a therapist, but I think you’re all set. You handled it like a champ. And here is your lollipop.
Mike Pence: A lolli? Well, I guess it’s five o’clock somewhere.[Kamala Harris walks in]
Kamala Harris: Yoo-hoo! Hello.
Mike Pence: No, no, no. Kamala Harris? You can’t see my bare forearms like this. Eyes off my elbows.
Kamala Harris: I promise you I am not interested.
Mike Pence: How did you even get into the White House?
Kamala Harris: I won more votes.
Mike Pence: Okay. I suppose you and Joe might be in here soon if those election results hold up.[Kamala Harris slaps Mike Pence]
Kamala Harris: You do not.
Mike Pence: Okay. I’m sorry. Trump made me do it. He says I have to over turn the election or he’ll make my Spotify playlist public.
Kamala Harris: Listen. I have good news, Mike.
Mike Pence: Oh my god! BTS is touring again?
Kamala Harris: Even though you lost, you could still come back from this stronger than ever like the current president elect, my man, Joe Biden. Get in here, Joe.[Joe Biden walks in. He’s walking with a support of a cane. Then he loses the cane, and does a somersault.]
Joe Biden: Hey there, Kamala.
Mike Pence: You look different, somehow.
Joe Biden: Yep. I’m like Cornell Sanders. Every time you see me, I’m a different guy. There’s a good chance this time next year, I’m going to be Mario Lopez. Now, where the vaccines at?
Mike Pence: I thought you were getting it on Monday, Joe.
Joe Biden: Yeah, but Kamala wants me to get it over with.
Kamala Harris: Well, I’m worried about you, Joe. Specially you’re already in a cast in Day -40 in “Office”.
Joe Biden: I just want to let the American people know one thing. You’re about to have a real leader again. You’re going to have the most diverse cabinet in the history of American politics.
Kamala Harris: And I will make sure that Joe never specifies what he means by diverse. That is my Christmas present to you, America.
Joe Biden: Or, if you celebrate Kwanza–
Kamala Harris: [interrupting] No! We’re going to go. Bye, bye.
Mike Pence: Well, thank you all for watching.[Rudy Giuliani runs in]
Rudy Giuliani: Wait, wait. I hope I’m not too late. I heard they were giving out free meds.
Mike Pence: Oh my god. Rudy, are you okay?
Rudy Giuliani: Yeah, I’m better than ever. That’s what everyone’s saying.
Mike Pence: Rudy, what is happening with your face?
Rudy Giuliani: Oh. I think all my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me. In the Bora, I figured out people thought I was touching myself. I was actually trying to tuck my blood back in.
Mike Pence: Oh my god.
Rudy Giuliani: Oh, and if you see black liquid running down my legs, don’t worry. That’s just pube dye.
Mike Pence: What? Okay, can you give this man a shot please?
Doctor: For what? Rabies?
Rudy Giuliani: Hey! Hey! You don’t joke down the mayor of 7-Eleven.
Doctor: Wait. 7-Eleven?
Rudy Giuliani: You be surprised.[Ben Carson walks in]
Ben Carson: Excuse me.
Mike Pence: Dr. Carson?
Ben Carson: Yes, it is I. Dr. Benjamin Carson. I came here to ask what do I do?
Mike Pence: In terms of the vaccine?
Ben Carson: No, no. In terms of my job. What is it that I do? You see, I’ve been sitting alone in a dark office for the past four years and no one has told me what to do.
Mike Pence: Well, it doesn’t matter now. We’re all leaving in a couple of weeks.
Ben Carson: Well, can you at least tell me what my job was? I’d like to put it on my resume.
Doctor: Sorry. Weren’t you a brain surgeon?
Ben Carson: Oh, nobody can believe that now. Fiddle damn diddle!
Mike Pence: Well, America, I hope you trust the vaccine now. You know how it works because you can buy it in the soda fridge at CVS. Merry Christmas.
All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.