Cut for Time Giuliani & Associates

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Lev Parnas… Beck Bennett

Igor Fruman… David Harbour

Kirstjen Nielsen

Alex Moffat

Bernie Williams… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Giuliani & Associates intro]

Narrator: Has your reputation been injured on the job? Were you the victim of a crime you committed? Are you facing serious legal trouble? Do you want to make it worse?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: And so called Giuliani & Associates. We want to make you our client and accomplice. Hi, I’m Rudy Giuliani. The only lawyer who’s on your side and off his meds. And you may have heard of my associates who were recently arrested for crimes against America. Their actual human names are Lev Parnas.

[Lev Parnas walks in]

Lev Parnas: Hey.

Rudy Giuliani: And Igor Fruman.

[Igor Fruman walks in]

Igor Fruman: Hey you guys.

Rudy Giuliani: And they’re not just handsome. They’re running to work for you.

Lev Parnas: Fraud.

Igor Fruman: Bribery.

Rudy Giuliani: Conspiracy.

Lev Parnas: Money laundering.

Igor Fruman: Resent.

Rudy Giuliani: We’ve done it all which means we know how to get you out of it.

Lev Parnas: We will take your case.

Igor Fruman: You will go to jail.

Rudy Giuliani: And we will keep your money.

Igor Fruman: Thanks to Googliani and Associates, there is the guarantee.

Rudy Giuliani: At Giuliani and Associates, we may not have passed the bar but we’ve definitely lowered it.

Lev Parnas: So, turn your browser to private. Then google our website.

Rudy Giuliani: Or dial 108-815-005. Oh, that’s my bank routing number. Forget that.

Igor Fruman: Giuliani and Associates are New York based but we operate out of Florida where laws are written at the back of McDonald’s receipts.

Lev Parnas: Also, our only American client is the president of the United States.

Rudy Giuliani: And he loves us, such why when they ask the president yesterday if I’m still his lawyer, he said, “I don’t know.” That’s pretty good considering–

Igor Fruman: Still not convinced? Just ask these satisfied customers.

[Cut to Kirstjen Nielsen]

Kristjen Nielsen: Yes, I’m real American woman who needed top shelf, no question asked lawyer. I collaborate with Googoogaga, and he helped me fund the money from prostituting business straight to republican super perk. And now, I’m acting secretary of homeland security. Thanks Rudy.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: I’m American as well. I am a good man who do one or two bad things and need to disappear fast. Rudy get me new name, new passport and picture with president at monologue. I even grabbed a handful of eggs from buffet. Thanks crime.

[Cut to Bernie Williams]

Bernie Williams: And hi. I am Yankee’s legend, Bernie Williams. I tell you who saved legally– wait, Rudy, what’s this for?

[Rudy Giuliani walks in]

Rudy Giuliani: It’s for charity. Don’t worry.

Bernie Williams: Which charity?

Rudy Giuliani: I don’t know. Taco Tuse. Just look in the camera and say Rudy did nothing wrong. Besides, whatever happened to three strikes?

Bernie Williams: Yeah, I’m not saying that. I think I should talk to a lawyer.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I got a lawyer. Come here.

[Igor Fruman walks in]

Igor Fruman: Oh! You got to stop saying that. I passed my bar-tending exam only on the third try. I thought the gin and tequila are the same.

Bernie Williams: Nope.

[Bernie Williams walks away] [Lev Parnas walks in]

Lev Parnas: And we’re comfortable with transactions such as–

Igor Fruman: One way travel to a foreign country.

Rudy Giuliani: Mistress go-aways.

Lev Parnas: Brick through window of judge.

Igor Fruman: Shake a guy until he say, “Okay, okay, I talk!”

Rudy Giuliani: And TV/VCR repair.

Igor Fruman: But, that’s not all. We also help victims of peyronie’s disease. Does your downstairs finger look like this?

Rudy Giuliani: I slammed my thing in a car door. Twice. Now it looks like a silly straw. So, call Giuliani and Associates today

Igor Fruman: And if you don’t, I’ll kill you.

[Cut to Giuliani & Associates outro]

Mike Pence Impeachment Strategy Cold Open

Mike Pence … Beck Bennett

William Barr … Aidy Bryant

Rudy Giuliani … Kate McKinnon

Mike Pompeo … Matthew Broderick

Mr. Schiff … Mikey Day

Ben Carson … Kenan Thompson

President of Finland … Alex Moffat

[Cut to Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani and William Barr in a meeting]

Mike Pence: Rudy, attorney general Barr, thank you for joining me. As you know, this impeachment farce is growing worse by the day. And now, a second whistle-blower is coming forward.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: And it’s all happening during my busy season – Halloween.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Where is the president, Mike?

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: He has more important things to deal with. He’s meeting with an alligator breeder about filling a moat at the border.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: You should have told me. I know a couple of gators from when I lived in the central park zoo.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Rudy, we need to get ahead of this story before it spirals out of control. Did you see those text messages they uncovered?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: What! They totally exonerate us.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Really? What do they say?

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Well, this one says, “I think we should stop texting about the crimes and maybe tell the crimes over the phone that the crimes don’t leave little crime footprints.” See, it’s all taken care of.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: I can’t believe that. I’m supposed to be seeing the new Judy Garland movie with mother.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr:  You worry too much, Mike. Presidents get impeached every 30 or 40 years. Now, come on, relax, have another glass of milk.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Well, it’s 5 somewhere. [Mike Pence drinks milk in a whiskey glass] [Assistant walks in]

Assistant: Mr. Vice President, secretary Mike Pompeo has returned from Greece and is here to see you.

Mike Pence: Oh!

[Mike Pompeo walks in]

Mike Pompeo: Hey, good to be back.

Mike Pence: Mike, weren’t you subpoenaed by congress?

Mike Pompeo: I was, but I think I bought myself a little time.

[Cut to the chairman Mr. Schiff]

Mr. Schiff: This meeting of the house intelligence committee will now come to order. Pompeo. Pompeo. Pompeo.

[Cut to a doll of Mike Pompeo] [Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Listen, I’ve been asking around and I think that this whole impeachment thing could be really bad.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Who told you that?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Like, America.

Rudy Giuliani: Not according to this Breitbart office poll that says 121% of people want Biden impeached.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Maybe we should listen to Mike. After all, he is secretary of—

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: State, I think? Honestly, I don’t know anymore. My ID just says Big Mike.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: That’s right. The only original cabinet member left in Ben Carson.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Did somebody say my name?

Mike Pence: That’s okay, Ben. This isn’t your job.

Ben Carson: Okay. But I’ve been sitting in my empty office for like three years. Does anyone know what my job is supposed to be?

William Barr: No idea. Anyone? I don’t know.

Ben Carson: Even if somebody could give me my password to my computer, that would be a great help.

William Barr: You know what? I better show Mr. Carson out.

Mike Pence: But you’ll be back, right? We’re in the middle of a crisis here.

William Barr: Oh, for sure, 100%. See you soon.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Rudy Giuliani: Listen, guys, we’re going to be just fine. We need to close ranks, you know? Like the mafia.

Mike Pompeo: Uh, yeah, except the mafia was like, smart. They didn’t go on Fox News and tell people crimes before they did them.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, that reminds me, I promised Hannity I would go on his show tonight. I better get into my stage make up so I look less– While I’m going, you guys should get your stories straight. Okay? Something like how hunter Biden started pizza gate or how this can all be traced back to Takashi 69. Whatever the worst idea is, text it to me so the feds have a record. I’ll be back.

[Rudy Giuliani leaves]

Mike Pompeo: He’s probably right about getting out stories straight.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Yes, because even if they’re not straight now, they could still be converted to straight, right?

[Cut to  Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: You know, though the other thing we could do is just flee the country. There’s a whole list of countries that would love to have us. North Korea, Saudi Arabia. End of list.

[Cut to everybody]

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, who is this guy?

President of Finland: I’m the president of Finland.

Mike Pence: Oh, my god. You’re still here? From the press conference?

[Cut to President of Finland]

President of Finland: Yes. Mr. Trump kept screaming and then he just walked off and I did not know if it was over or what.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: You can go. You’re going to go.

[Cut to President of Finland]

President of Finland: Well, I did want to say, the concept of diplomacy is very important.

[Cut to Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Oh, that’s cute. Hey, you know what? [Cut to everybody] I’m going to walk this guy out. So, what’s Finland like? I mean to live in.

President of Finland: It’s nice.
Mike Pence: Wait. You’re coming back, right, Mike? Because if things go bad for Trump, then I’m president.

Mike Pompeo: Oh, yeah, yeah, that’s great, that’s going to work out just great. I can’t wait for that to happen. And hey, impeachment moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around, might miss it.

[Mike Pompeo leaves] [Cut to Mike Pence alone in a room]

Mike Pence: Wow, it looks like I’m here all alone.

[Assistant walks in with a basket]

Assistant: Actually, sir, Stephen Miller wanted to talk to you.

Mike Pence: Oh. Fantastic.

Assistant: Here he is.

[Assistant opens the basket, a snake comes out]

Mike Pence: Oh, thanks for coming by, Stephen. Do you have any way out of this impeachment? [Snake whispering] Oh really? [Snake whispering]  Biden, corruption? Okay, uh-huh. Get Nicholas Cage to steal the constitution and blame it on immigrants? Do you really think that will work? [Snake whispering] God, he’s good. He’s good.

[Assistant walks in]

And speaking of good, Rudy Giuliani is back from his appearance on Fox News. He’s still in stage makeup.

[Rudy Giuliani walks in with The Joker make up]

Rudy Giuliani: I killed on Hannity.

Mike Pence: Did you say killed?

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, and I’ll kill again.

Mike Pence and Rudy Giuliani: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.