Christmas Ornaments | Season 44 Episode 9

Husband… Kyle Mooney

Wife… Melissa Villaseñor

Drunk Santa… Beck Bennett

Good Will Hunting ornament… Matt Damon

Harry Potter… Mikey Day

Souvenir from Cleveland… Kenan Thompson

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Barb… Aidy Bryant

The Angel… Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of house in Christmas]

Husband: There it is. I love this one, [Cut to husband and wife decorating Christmas tree inside their house] drunk Santa. This baby’s going front and center.

Wife: Oh, come on babe, drunk Santa is tacky. This is a classy tree.

Husband: Okay, sorry. Drunk Santa, you’ve been sentenced to the back of the tree. [Husband places the Drunk Santa at the back of the tree] [Cut to ornaments at the back of the tree]

Drunk Santa: Wait, wait, wait, wait, where am I! [Talking over each other] Why am I back here with all of you?

Souvenir from Cleveland: All of us losers? The d-listers? Face it, Fish, you’re one of us! [Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland] The ornaments that are only seen by the wall. I’m your peer now. Take a good look at me! I’m a souvenir from your trip to Cleveland. You heard that right, Cleveland. And greeting singular from Cleveland, I was clearly bought at an airport. I’m head to toe nudes and when you lose, you lose. I’m back here with the freaks, and the fuglies, and now you are too.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament]

Drunk Santa: But I’m funny.

Souvenir from Cleveland: Ha-ha! You all hear that, he’s funny! Fool, you’re tacky, and tacky goes in backy!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: But I was in front of the tree once.

Good Will Hunting ornament: So was I, fish, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] years ago. And for your consideration promotional “Good Will Hunting” ornament. Yeah, cause that makes sense. “Good Will Hunting” screams Christmas. [Cut to Drunk Santa confused] And get this, I can talk too. You want to hear that sound like with [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] 20 year old batteries?  [In dead battery voice] “How do you like them apples?”

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, no, I don’t like them at all!

Good Will Hunting ornament: What, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] you don’t think it’s fair? On the back of me, you know what it says? It says, “Happy holidays from the Weinstein company”. Yeah, that holds up. [Cut to Drunk Santa] I’ve aged about as well as Rudy over there.

Drunk Santa: Who’s Rudy?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Me, a Rudy Giuliani Ornament from 2001. I still don’t understand why I’m back here. I’m America’s mayor. Did something change?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Yes, you see that Fish, you got to accept you’re back of the tree material now. Don’t be like Harry Potter, who refuses to accept that. Since the back of his quidditch broom broke, he looks like he’s doing something nasty.

[Cut to Harry Potter. It looks like he’s holding his penis in place of the broom]

Harry Potter: Be quiet! I look like I play quidditch, and nothing more!

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland:  You look like the cover of a “Harry Potter” porno!

[Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter:  No, I don’t. And when they get me a new broom, I’ll be back on the front, you’ll see!

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Potter’s got the most dangerous thing you can have back here, hope.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, Fish. You should give up, like Barb.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Barb, who’s Barb?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Kill me!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh god, what is she?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Beats me. Kid brought her home from Kindergarten, and said I made a Christmas and that’s all we know.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Barb, what the hell even are you?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Barb is dead. You call me what I am. You call me Macaroni turd.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament][Someone starts to sing]

Drunk Santa: What is that?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani:  That my fiend, is the angel.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: She’s a destroyed ornament kept for sentimental value.

Souvenir from Cleveland: She used to be the angel, [Cut to the Angel facing sideways] living large up on top of the tree. And then a light bulb melted off her damn head. [The Angel turns her head. Her half head is melt.] She’s never been the same since.

[The Angel sings in a horrible voice] [Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter: She sings us to sleep ever night. The anthem of the ugly, the hymn of the hideous.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Let me be the first to say greeting from the back of the tree.

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Macaroni turd could be a friend to you.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, god, I can’t believe I’m going to spend my Christmas back here with you people.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Believe it Fish, you’re one of us now. [In dead battery voice] How do you like them apples?

Mueller Report Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 16

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

President Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with written video clip of the narrator]

Narrator: And now, Robert Mueller finishes his report, William Barr summarizes the report, and Donald Trump tweets his reaction to the summary.

[Cut to Robert Mueller on his desk reading his report]

Robert Mueller: Dear Attorney General Barr, officials from the Justice Department and esteemed members of Congress.

[Cut to William Barr summarizing the report]

William Barr: Hey, guys, William Barr here. You might want to sit down for this one.

[Cut to President Trump tweeting on his mobile phone in his office]

President Trump: Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Daddy is about to freak.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I am submitting these 380 pages—

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: I am writing almost four pages.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: I am reading zero pages. But Sean Hannity has read it and he was so excited that he texted me an eggplant.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: On the charge of obstruction of justice, we have not drawn a definitive conclusion.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But I have. And my conclusion is Trump’s clean as a whistle.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Free at last, free at last!

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: As for conspiracy or collusion, there were several questionable incidents involving the president’s team but we cannot prove a criminal connection.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: No collusion, no diggedy, no bad.

[Cut to President Trump blowing celebration horn] [Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: However, we have indicted 34 individuals in connection with this probe.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of them very good people.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: The pardons are already in the mail.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I’ve included hundreds of pages of evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of it provided on live television by the president himself.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Russia, if you’re watching, go to bed. Daddy won.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: And I should remind everyone there’s still several ongoing investigations.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: One or two tiny investigations.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: And they’re investigations into democrats, TV shows that have been mean to me ad Puerto Rico. That’s right, I want my paper towels back, amigos.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Somebody with the Trump team might have met with Russians at some point.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Somebody distantly associated with Trump might have done something weird.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: ♪Somebody wants told me the world was go to roll me I am the sharpest tool in the shed. ♪

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: In conclusion it is my hope this report will be made public with a few [Cut to William Barr]

redaction.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Hello, redactions!

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: We’re going to block out everything except the words no and collusion.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Overall there is an abundance of circumstantial evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But no concrete evidence.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump:  If you shoot at the devil, you best not miss.

[[Rudy Giuliani comes up and joins President Trump]

Rudy Giuliani: Did somebody say devil?

President Trump: Rudy, can you believe it, we got off Scott free.

Rudy Giuliani: I know, I know. I guess I was a legal genius the whole time. And all of my mid games worked. If you want to know what my mind games were, you have to ask the family of goblins who lives in my head and opens my eyes.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: After two long years out investigation with Russia interference in the election is finally over.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Y’all can turn off your Huff-Po Amber alerts. It’s time for the country to heal and most past this.

[Cut to President Trump and Rudi Giuliani]

President Trump: This is the only thing I will talk about for the next four years. Vengeance will be mine.

Rudy Giuliani: And I will take the firstborn child of every democrat unless they can guess that my name is Rumple Stiltson.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Sincerely, Robert S. Mueller.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Your’s truly, the guy who’s been here a month, William Barr.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Sincerely, president invincible #tenmoreyears, #fdrbutwithlegs.

[Cut to Rudi Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Yours in eternal darkness, Rudy Giuliani. I was booed at a Yankee’s game.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: P.S. can’t wait to see what the southern district of New York has in store for Trump.

[Everyone joins Robert Mueller]

President Trump: What now?

Everyone: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.