Thirsty Cops


Ego Nwodim

Pete Davidson

Paula… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with two cops pulling over Pete]

RuPaul: Um, sir. I’ma have to ask you to stand over here while we investigate the situation.

Ego: The way you were driving, you’re very lucky we stopped you when we did. Do you have any idea why we pulled you over?

Pete: Yes, I apologize officers. I know I shouldn’t have been texting while driving.

Ego: That’s right. While driving, you’re only permitted to use hands-free devices. But with me, [dancing] you can be very hands on.

Pete: What?

RuPaul: What my partner is trying to say is, you is a snack! And the two of us can make a meal.

Ego: Okay. And I haven’t eaten in eight months, if you know what I saying.

[Cut to Thirsty Cops intro] [Cut back to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

RuPaul: You know, we need to ask you a couple of questions. Which way you heading, sir?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, I was just going to meet some friends.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Yeah, but how you getting there? You headed straight?

RuPaul: Or is your journey more fluid? Not afraid to take a couple of queer turns along the way?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Um, I don’t know, sir. We were just going to meet up at a sports bar.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Okay, sports. So, you playing on my team.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah, but then we were thinking maybe Karaoke.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

RuPaul: Well, okay vocals! So, I’m still in the running.

[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

Pete: Hey, look. Am I under arrest here? Or…

[Ego walking near Pete]

Ego: We just wanna make sure you’re safe. This neighborhood is famous for it’s [Ego showing Pete her booty] dangerous curves!

RuPaul: Yeah, baby! [RuPaul walks near Pete] And I’m like black ice. You gonna see me coming.

Pete: Um, what is happening right now?

Ego: Well see, I don’t like to put labels on things so soon, but I think we’re in a potential DUI to DTF situation.

RuPaul: Ha-ha. Okay, stand down officer! Okay, alright. Now, let’s read him his Miranda rights.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: My name is Miranda and I does it right!

RuPaul: You also have the right to an attorney. And if you cannot afford an attorney, then I don’t want nothing to do with you.

[RuPaul and Ego laughing] [Cut to Pete]

Pete: Okay. That was very funny.

[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

RuPaul: Alright, license please.

Pete: Here you go.

[Pete passes his license to Ego]

Ego: Alright. [Cut to RuPaul and Ego] 6’1″. Brown eyes. Oh, oh! Look at that. He’s an organ donor.

RuPaul: Well, don’t just give it away. Make me work for it!

Ego: Hold on. Hold on. Look at this address. That’s a nice neighborhood. They got a Starbucks reserve over there.

[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

RuPaul: Now, do you rent or own?

Pete: Um, I actually bought a condo about a year ago.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Okay. He got assets! Ha-ha!

RuPaul: Equity! Equity!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: What you’re doing here doesn’t seem legal. It seems a little inhumane?

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: In which humane? In this humane or in that humane?

[police siren] [Cut to everybody. Paula walks in.]

Paula: What seems to be the problem over here?

Pete: Oh, officer! Thank god! [Cut to Pete and Paula] These two are holding me here.

Paula: Okay, well, I’m gonna have to determine if there’s probable cause because you probably cause me to flood my she sheet.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Oh! Paula, you nasty girl!

RuPaul: You nasty!

[Cut to Pete and Paula]

Paula: I’m gonna have to go ahead and call this in. Excuse me. Car 51 at dispatch. Subject is reckless-ly hot! Lil’ sweety bad boy. Puppy dog but bites! He will hurt me but you can’t break what’s already broken. Over!

Pete: Hey, so are you gonna let me go?

Paula: I wish I could. I wish I could. [Paula pats on Pete’s chest] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make sure my dash cam got all this!

[Paula leaves]

Pete: Okay, look, you’ve had your fun. And to be honest, I didn’t hate everything you said, you know? Especially the sweetie bad boy stuff. But, um, I think it’s time I go.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

RuPaul: Okay, he is right. But because you were swerbing, we’re gonna have to give you a body test.

[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

Ego: Yes, arms out, sir! Touch your nose with your right hand and now touch your nose with your left hand.

RuPaul: Now lick it and make it sizzo!

[Pete touches his finger on his tongue, then on his butt and then make the soun, “Shh”.] [RuPaul and Ego laughing]

Have a good night sir. [Cut to RuPaul and Ego] And promise not to text and drive.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah! Don’t worry. I know how to handle myself on the road now.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Oh, oh, oh! You do? Prove it. If I’m your phone, then you get a text, what do you do?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Put you on my lap, faced down and set you to vibrate till I get home. Okay now.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego laughing]

RuPaul: Oh!

Ego: Oh!

[Video pauses]

Male voice: This has been a message from Thirsty Cops.

Female voice: Don’t text and drive, baby!

The Library

Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day


Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy and Mikey speaking to children and their parents in a library]

Aidy: Hello San Diego public library. Well we’re so lucky today that a special celebrity guest is going to be joining us. We’ve asked him to read some books for us.

Mikey: Yeah, he’s so generous to donate his time. Not entirely sure what he has planned but we know he is gonna teach you all about reading. So, please welcome, RuPaul!

[RuPaul walks in. He has some colorful reading glasses in his hands.]

RuPaul: Hello, hello, hello. Wow, I’m so glad to be here. You know, reading is so important. I even brought everybody reading glasses.

Aidy: Wow, how fun. Thank you.

RuPaul: Now, I’ll show you how to read. Then you try. What’s your name?

[Cut to Kate with her daughter]

Kate: Um, her name is Katlyn.

RuPaul: Can she read?

Kate: She is starting to, yeah.

[Katlyn is wearing a reading glasses.] [Cut to RuPaul]

Oh, Katlyn sweetie, I bet you have plenty of washed up basic little friend that you cannot wait to read to fill. Am I right?

[Cut to Kate and Katlyn. Kate is confused.]

Kate: What?

[Cut to Aidy, Mikey and RuPaul]

Aidy: Okay, now this is a time where I don’t know what is happening. So, Ru, here’s some books that you can use.

RuPaul: Oh, great! Let’s read some books.

[RuPaul sits down and takes off his glasses. Then he picks up a red one and wears it.]

Oh! The library is open.

[RuPaul picks up a book and shows it to the kids]

Okay, first up, Eloise by Kay Thompson’s. [clears his throat] Oh, Eloise, you need to call the front desk and get a hot oil treatment for that broom on your head. And girl, Victoria Secret called, they want their wallpaper back. And what is she doing? Popping a fart? Got that leg all cranked out all nasty. Girl, please! Ha-ha-ha.

[RuPaul puts the book down and gets another book.]

Okay, up next, Madeline by Ludwig Betolbin (saying the name wrong). Ms. Madeline, I have bad news child. The Eiffel tower is not in the woods. Girl you better draw France right, bitch! Somebody tryina act like they’ve been to Paris. You ain’t never been there girl, uh-uh!

[Cut to the kids and the parents]

Ego: What is happening?

[Cut to RuPaul. She is holding another book.]

RuPaul: Alright. Next, The Secret of the Old Clock. Honey, I’ll tell you what the secret is. She been out there doing herself. Uh-huh! Somebody found out and she just grabbed some old random clock and was acting like she was fixing it. Good god, girl! Get a grip. She crazy!

[Cut to Aidy and Mikey]

Mikey: Okay, let’s pause. Um, I think people might be a little confused.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Well, I am reading these books, girls.

[Cut to Aidy, Mikey and RuPaul]

Aidy: Right. I believe that reading is like a drag term like work, or dancing, but for personalized insults.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Exactly! Reading is throwing shay. A brutal insult wrapped inside a glorious wordplay. You know what I’m saying? Reading is what? Fun-damental! Yeah.

[Cut to Aidy, Mikey and RuPaul]

Mikey: Oh, okay. I’m so sorry. When you put it like that, go right ahead.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Oh, thank you.

[RuPaul takes another book]

Harriet the Spy. Girl bye! Next!

[RuPaul put that book down and takes another one.]

Oh, child! This girl is shaped like a BMW. Body Made Wrong. And what’s up with your foundation? Why you look so orange? And your body is green girl! Pop off!

[RuPaul picks up another book]

Oh! Bear got some over a busted overall. Who does she think she is? Oh, she thinks she Bo-hoe like Zooey Deschanel. Girl, you ain’t Bo-hoe. You a Bro-hoe! Be gone!

[Cut to the parents and the kids]

Ego: This is like, very education. Should we leave?

Kate: Absolutely… not! This is the most fun I’ve had since this girl blasted out of me.

Beck: Absolutely. This is so fun. Do me! Do me.!

[Cut to RuPaul holding a book]

RuPaul: Honey, you ain’t worth the crabs.

[Cut to Aidy and Mikey]

Mikey: Okay, I hate to interrupt here coz I can only imagine the feel that you’d have with me. Um, but I’m not sure this is useful to our kids.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Well, sir, these children spending their Saturday inside a library with RuPaul, a well time read is gonna save their little booties on playground. Right?

[Cut to Kate and Katlyn]

Katlyn: I wanna try.

RuPaul: Okay.

Katlyn: Library? More like strawberry!

[Cut to Aidy, Mikey and RuPaul]

RuPaul: Aw! Bless her heart. Well, you’re almost there, honey. Alright, may I continue?Of course.

Aidy: Of course.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: James and the Giant Peach. Oh! That peach is giant and is juicy. Must be jelly coz jammed on shay. Okay, children. You go!

[The End]