Tag: Russia

Weekend Update Russia Annexes Parts of Ukraine Hurricane Ian Hits Florida

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]

In a speech after annexing sections of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin attacked the US for Satanism and denounced the many genders and fashion in the West. It was a hateful, unhinged speech which has many Americans calling him electable.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture from red Square Celebration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Kremlin celebrated the illegal annexation of Ukraine with a night of entertainment in Red Square. Say what you will but gigs a gig.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Russia at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The US embassy in Moscow is urging all American citizens in Russia to leave immediately. “Oh, cool. I’ll try to do that said” Brittney Griner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hurricane Ian hit Florida this week and Governor Ron DeSantis called it a 500 year flooding event. In fact, it’s such a historic tragedy that DeSantis won’t let them teach about it in Florida schools.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: At White House event, President Biden asked if representative Jackie Walorski was in the audience, asking “Where’s Jackie,” apparently forgetting she died last month.  Worse, worse, he keeps forgetting that this woman is still alive. [picture changes to Kamala Harris]

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Ted Cruz at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Electoral Count Reform Act was approved by all members of a Senate committee except for Ted Cruz. Coincidentally, everyone except for Ted Cruz is also who Jesus loves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s piacture of Ginni Thomas and her husband at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Ginni Thomas, who’s begging you to notice the scarf, said she can say, “Oh, this old thing?” Reportedly told the committee that her husband was unaware of her involvement and challenges to the 2020 election, and they never discuss any case before the court. And if there’s one thing I believe, is that this guy doesn’t talk to his wife.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene revealed that her husband has filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage. He officially blamed irreconcilable differences for the split while she blamed the Jews.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden on Friday attended a formal ceremony welcoming justice Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court. Said Biden, “And where’s Justice Ginsburg? Ruth, come on up here.”

Weekend Update Russia Invades Ukraine Biden Nominates Ketanji Brown Jackson

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of maps of Ukraine and Russia at left top corner.]

Well, this week Russia began their invasion of Ukraine, President Putin launched the attack with support from allies like Bella Rousse, and Tucker Carlson. Many analysts were surprised Putin went through with the invasion even though it was obviously going to be a colossal mistake, but he couldn’t back down after all that build up. Kind of like how NBC still had to go through with airing the Winter Olympics.

[Picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

Experts on Russian politics are saying that economic sanctions in the West will not deter Putin because his money is a non traditional assets that are difficult to trace. So, on top of everything else awful about Putin, he’s also into crypto.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of chart showing downfall of Russian stock market at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After the invasion of Ukraine, the Russian stock market fell by 30% to -90%. This is a tough subject to make jokes about. I mean, in my lifetime, I’ve seen footage of attacks like this on other countries, but never a white one. I don’t know very much about this whole situation. But I have a close friend who’s Russian. And I asked her what she thought about it and she said, “Michael, you no paid me to talk baby.” But I am very impressed by all Ukrainian citizens signing up to defend their country, even the famous ones. Imagine that here. If you have a read on the news Michael Che has joined an American war, we have just lost that war.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chernobyl at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: One of the first places Russian forces seize when invading Ukraine was Chernobyl, the site of the 1986 nuclear disaster. Said Ukrainians, “Oh no, don’t take that.” Capturing Chernobyl is like landing an audition for Harvey Weinstein now.

[Picture changes to Donald trump and Vladimir Putin]

Donald Trump– Great transition. Donald Trump phrased Vladimir Putin moving troops into Ukraine saying “This is genius.” Though this is genius is also how he sarcastically introduces Eric.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ketanji Brown Jackson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson seen here getting tired of y’all’s foolishness, was nominated by President Biden to become the first black woman on the Supreme Court. The nomination fulfills Biden’s promise to change the subject. [Picture changes to Ukraine and Russia map.] You clapped too early.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden chose Jackson after interviewing three finalists this week. “Weird, I thought interviewing black candidates was just for show” said the NFL.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new book claims that while Donald Trump was President, White House staff routinely found wads of paper clogging the toilet. So, either he tried to flush classified documents or he eats the wrappers.

[Picture changes to subway train]

In the days after New York Mayor Eric Adams announced a new plan to stop violence in the city’s transit system, six people were stabbed on the subway. And I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say, that sounds pretty low.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Buckingham Palace staff have been mocking Prince Andrew with a nursery rhyme. Said Prince Andrew, “Oh, nursery!”

[Picture changes to Kentucky Derby logo]

Officials have posthumously stripped Medina Spirit of his Kentucky Derby victory for failing a post race drug test. And I just want to say to Medina Spirit, “I hope it’s hot and horse hell you cheating bastard.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Dog returned after mission for 12 years” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Medina Spirit sounds like a Tyler Perry character. A dog in California that went missing 12 years ago was found and returned to her owner, after spending more than a decade living at Dave’s taxidermy shop.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Man gets AA battery stuck in penis” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Iran went to the hospital after he got a AA battery stuck inside his penis. It was AA because that’s the sound he makes when it goes in.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Luke Cage comic book at right top corner.]

This year marks the 50th anniversary of one of Marvel Comics first black superheroes, Luke Cage. In the comics, Luke Cage faces off against black people’s most powerful enemy of the 1970s, LED paint.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a handgun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police arrested twin sisters after they got mad at a restaurant worker and shot him in the face. This according to Peacocks very dark reboot of “Sister Sister”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FDA logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the FDA granted the first condom approved for anal sex. It took them this long because their wives would only let them test it on their birthdays.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a ocean wave at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Do you get it? Researchers have observed a nearly 60 foot tall rogue wave off the coast of British Columbia, which is the largest ever recorded. Researchers believe the wave was generated when yo mama fell overboard. Well, for Weekend Update, oops all jokes. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Russia Hacking the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Well, Donald Trump is about a month away from his inauguration and people are starting to notice some red flags.

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

At a press conference on Friday, president Obama again claimed Russia hacked our election. He also accused Donald Trump of knowing that it was happening while doing nothing about it. But I mean, can you really blame him? Who snitches when somebody cheats for them? That’s just ungrateful. You don’t expect [picture changes to Tom Brady] Tom Brady to tell ref, “Hey, let me try that touchdown pass again. The ball was deflated.” I guess Donald Trump was acting like a Patriot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of FBI and CIA logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, the FBI backed up the CIA and the White House in their conclusion that Russia interfered in the US election. Yet somehow, Trump keeps defending Russia despite all the evidence. It’s like right after Pearl Harbor, FDR had said, “We don’t know it was Japan. It could have been just some fat guy on a couch somewhere.” President Obama claimed that the Russian hacker stopped attacking America after Obama told Putin to “cut it out.” I’m not sure you’re gonna strike fear in the heart of an evil dictator with [Picture changes to Dave Coulier] Uncle Joey’s catch phrase from Full House.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of US map with states colored blue or red according to it’s majority votes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The electoral college is voting on Monday and it would take 37 members to change their votes to cost Donald Trump the election. That’s right, only 37 people stand in the way of Civil Wars: Episode II. The only thing scarier to me than Donald Trump becoming president is Donald Trump not being allowed to become president. Taking the presidency away from Donald Trump now is like giving a monkey a machine gun and then trying to wrestle it back from him. At this point, all we can do is just pray that he can’t figure out how it works, gets bored and puts it down and walks away.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alexander Hamilton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And I should point out that the electoral college was first proposed by Alexander Hamilton as a check against a misguided popular vote. So it’s pretty ironic that because of Hamilton, a black guy [picture changes to Barack Obama] is getting recast as a white guy.[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

Obama this week said that democrats are falsely characterized as coastal liberal latte sipping out of touch folks. Then he grabbed a salted caramel mochaccino and hopped on a private jet to Hawaii.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I gotta say it was pretty sad seeing Obama hold a press conference for maybe his last time. it was like his farewell concert. He’s going through all his greatest hits. The climate deal, Obamacare, reducing unemployment. I got so into it, I started calling out my favorite Obama hits. I was like, “Hey, do ‘Killing Osama’.” And that whole time he didn’t even bring up that he was the first black president which if you look at history is not that easy to do. That alone has earned him a place on every black family’s wall, right next to Martin Luther King and Perm Jesus.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump met with Kanye West at Trump Tower this week. I assume the nominee Kanye for a newly creative post, secretary of humbleness. He then said that he and Trump discussed what Kanye described as multi cultural issues. Multi cultural issues is also how Kanye describes his wife’s family.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of trump visiting his visitors at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump must feel like don Corleone. I mean, everybody’s taking meetings, asking him favors. Right now, Chris Christie is sitting in Trump Tower lobby practicing his lines like Luca Brazzi. “And may your first term be a masculine term.” But do we really need to know about everybody Trump meets? I mean the media wants to find tooth comb Trump’s dealings with Putin, I get that. But when he’s meeting washed up football players and rappers fresh out of the puzzle factory, I don’t need that information. I mean, what would have Kanye West and Donald Trump meeting even be? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kanye West] It’s like those old cartoons when Scooby Doo meets with the Harlem Globetrotters, and you’re like, “Why? How would that even help? What will that do?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rex Tillerson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump officially announced that he is nominating Exxon Mobile CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of state. Trump chose the Exxon CEO because he was three cents cheaper than the Chevron CEO across the street.

[Picture changes to

In 2013, Putin awarded Tillerson the order of friendship, which is one of the highest honors Russia gives to foreigners. In fact, the only higher honor Russia can give you is President of the United States. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Weekend Update on Russia Interfering with the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

It’s being reported that the CIA believes that Russia influenced our presidential election in favor of Donald Trump. You see? Feel better now popular vote? No? Okay. At this point telling us why Trump won is like a fire department showing up to tell us why our house is currently on fire. Just put it out. We’ll talk about it later. Trump’s team then dismissed the CIA claims saying that these are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Now, first of all, Trump, damn, that’s a good comeback. Wow! Even the CIA responded to trump saying, “Wow, it’s like that?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And this comes after president Obama ordered intelligence officials to produce a full review on Russian efforts to influence the 2016 election. The review will be conduced by just lookin at Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This could also explain why Donald Trump has only been to a couple of the Daily Intelligence Briefings since winning the election. But Mike Pence has been to six a week. Pence is kind of like a wife carefully reading the IKEA instructions and Trump is the stubborn dad yelling, “Yeah, it did it right. It’s supposed to be wobbly!” You know, as crazy as it sounds, maybe it’s better Trump doesn’t know what’s going on. I mean, we can’t trust him with secrets. This guy tweets every thought that pops into his head. He is so petty and so vindictive, how long before he tweets out the president of China’s home phone number because he got a bag egg roll somewhere? I hope they tell him as little as possible. When Trump shows up for a briefing, I hope they give him some headphones and an iPad and make him watch ‘Frozen’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was revealed that Donald Trump will keep his job as producer on ‘The Celebrity Apprentice’ while he is president. It’s an absurd, unethical and potentially illegal conflict of interest– only on NBC.

Now, people are upset that Trump is doing a TV show and won’t go to intelligence briefings, but face it, America, Trump won because he is the fun guy. If we wanted a diligent, competent, experienced president we would have elected nerd lady. Okay? If your schools elects the rich cool guy president, he isn’t going to suddenly show up to school council meetings and examine the science budget. He is going to go on a V victory lap around the school, start a food fight with the model UN and grab some cheerleaders by the pom-poms. I mean, his whole platform was ‘Seniors rule, Mexicans drool.’

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rex Tillerson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump is expected to nominate EXXON CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of State. Rex Tillerson is such an oil tycoon’s name. The I in Tillerson should be an oil rig. Tillerson may have no government or diplomatic experience, but EXXON is known for their charitable work of cleaning oil off of ducks.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former mayor Rudy Giuliani has removed himself from consideration for a position in Trump’s cabinet, which is a smooth political way of saying Trump didn’t pick him. I mean, that’s like Dirty Grandpa taking itself out of Oscar contention. [Picture changes to Paula Dean] Or Paula Dean saying she won’t accept an NAACP image award. You’re good.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

On Tuesday, Donald Trump tweeted that he wants to cancel an order with Boeing for a new Air Force one because it costs too much. Which is weird, because Trump usually waits until after the work is done before he refuses to pay.

Trump has justified his use of twitter saying he’d tweet less if the press did their jobs better. Or if Ambien [Picture changes to a medical pills] did it’s job better.

[Picture changes to pope Francis]

The spread of fake news on the internet has become so prevalent that even the Pope spoke out this week and denounced fake news. And you know what’s bad when a guy who gets his news from voices in the sky and burning bushes is telling you to check your sources.