Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky on the Russian Economy

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Russian Ruble showed signs of bouncing back this week after a 15 month period economic strife brought on by International Sanctions. Here to comment is a woman from a small village in Russia, Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: Hi, my name is, what? My name is, who? My name is Olya-Olya, I’m starving.

Colin Jost: It’s great to have you back Olya.

Olya: Thank you. It’s my pleasure. You know, ever since I have been on this SNL, I am like local celebrity in my village. Every where I go, I am hounded.

Colin Jost: Oh, really? You’re hounded? Right? By paparazzi?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: No, no. By actual hounds. They chase me Colin. But don’t worry. I trick them by playing dead like this. [Olya poses like she’s dead.] [Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You’d be happy to be dead?

Olya: Oh, yes. Like all Russians, Colin, I have been planning my funeral since I was a little girl. [Cut to Olya] As I am buried, I will have them play the most popular funeral song in Russia. [Olya starts singing] [Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, yes. Come on! Russia cannot be that awful.

Olya: Oh, yeah! You know district 12 in Hunger Games? It’s based on richest neighborhood in my village. [Cut to Olya] In Russia, you know what Fifty Shades of Grey is about? My teeth! Even Ebola would not come to Russia. It almost came and then it was like, “Not too easy.”

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you know, Russia must be on some kind of financial upswing. This week they proposed building $1 trillion super highway from Siberia to Alaska.

Olya: Ricka-ricka-What? Russia is going to build $1 trillion road? Yeah, right! In your screams, Russia!

Colin Jost: No, no. I think you mean .in your dreams’.

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: What is dreams? Listen to me, Russia? We cannot build $1 trillion road. We have bigger fish to fry. Like, we have no fish to fry. We cannot spend this money because much like Kelly Rowland, we just don’t have it.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, come on, Olya! That’s a pretty bad burn.

Olya: I have to burn people, Colin! For fun and for warmth.

Colin Jost: Well, I know it’s pretty cold here in New York city. You know, it’s tough, cold, raining.

Olya: Oh, Colin. You do not know cold. [Cut to Olya] I was born inside a frozen lake. My mother fell in and the shock of cold bopped me out. You know how babies cry when they first come out, Colin? Not me. I rolled my eyes, I said, “Well played, devil!” I have had frostbite ever since, Colin. This is why my toes are like One Direction, only four left. Also, mostly, hairy (Harry Styles).

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, now if Russia’s that bad, Olya, I gotta ask, why don’t you move to America?

Olya: Oh, Colin. Are you flirting with Olya? Is that a banana in your pocket? If that’s a banana in our pocket, please give me banana.

Colin Jost: Olya Povlatsky, everyone!

Olya: One banana. One!