Weekend Update- Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Neil Gorsuch

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Supreme court is also back in session this week with new Trump appointed justice Neil Gorsuch. Here to comment is liberal justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg slides in] [cheers and applause]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Let me at ’em. Let me at ’em. Put ’em up.

Colin Jost: You are coming in swinging, justice.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Colin, no, I can’t go on a swing. I’m too tiny. Last time I went on a swing, I ended up in space.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. So, what do you think of your new colleague, Neil Gorsuch?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ugh! This new guy, yap-yap-yap-yap-yap. If I knew he was coming in so hot, I would have worn an oven mitt. Which is what I use as a sleeping bed. But, I will say, Colin, it’s nice to have nine justices again, because for the last year, we’ve been a hung jury. Except for justice Alito. That guy legislates from the bench, but he measures from the balls. That’s a Gins-burn! What?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost] [Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Alright. Just, well, you might not have a full bench for long coz justice Kennedy says he’s considering retiring. Are you worried about that?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Of course, I am. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I can’t wait to see the goon Trump brings in next. The honorable justice Steven Seagal? Kennedy was supposed to be our swing vote, right? If he goes, it’s gonna be just Roberts. And if he swing and I’m taking my keys out of the bowl. You smell that? What is that?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I don’t kow.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What is– it smells like smoke. What is it? It’s a Gins-burn.

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, right. Yes. And Kennedy could be the decisive vote in this big new Gerrymandering decision that’s coming up.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yes. Gerrymandering! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Thank you for saying. Look at this. [Ruth Bader Ginsburg pulls out a chart with six lands marked red] Gerrymandering districts. Look at the way the politicians redrew these maps. That’s not a district. That’s a tape worm. They snip. They snip a little here, a little there. Hello, we see what you are doing. It’s like they’re at a cocktail party, they’re taking all the shrimp. And all the democrats are left with this sweaty cheddar. By the way, sweaty cheddar is what they call Steve Bannon in college. Ouch! That’s a nasty Gins-burn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost] [Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Wow! You blew your glasses off. That’s amazing.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: At my age.

Colin Jost: It does seem like you are in good spirits, justice.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I got to be, Colin. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] The supreme court justice is the only job where people openly place bets on when you’re going to croak. Well, jokes on you. I made a deal with our female god that I would trade height for years. So, by 2095, I’m going to be the size of a play mobile but I’ll still gonna be kicking ass and taking Boniva.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, you are determined to stay and fight?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah. Who else is going to do it? [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] It’s always a woman. It just goes with the territory when you have got Yavoa. Or in my case, two little oxygen masks like they’ve got on an airplane. They look empty and they only drop down in an emergency. That’s a self-Gins-burn. Hello.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost] [Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Justice Rugh Bader Ginsburg, everyone.

Microsoft Office Assistant

Kam… J.K. Simmons

Ruth… Aidy Bryant

Help pin… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with an old couple in their house. Kam is using the laptop and Ruth is reading a book.]

Kam: Honey, I wanna write a letter to Phil.

Ruth: Well, then write the letter to Phil, Kam

Kam: What the heck do I click?

Ruth: Microsoft Word.
Kam: That means nothing to me.

Ruth: The big blue W.

Kam: Okay, I see it. Go back to your riveting book, Ruth. Okay, Dear Phil.

[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]

Pushy: Looks like you’re writing a letter. Would you like some help with that?

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Ruth, there is an annoying little cartoon man on my screen.

Ruth: Well, that’s just the Office assistant. You know, I remember it used to be a paper clip. But now, it’s a push pin. Just ignore it.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: My name’s pushy. If you need me, just click the push pin on your toolbar. Bye!

[3 leaves the screen dancing.] [Cut to Kam]

Kam: Okay, let’s see here. Happy birthday Phil.

[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]

Pushy: I noticed you repeated Phil in two consecutive sentences. Did you mean to do that?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Yes!

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Her’s a hint. To avoid repeat proper nouns, try replacing your second Phil with a new word. Like, Philly Cheese, Goof Troop or Captain Martinez. He-he-he-he-he.

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: How do I turn this guy off?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: I heard replace all Phil with Goof Troop. Kabaam! [the name “Phil” changes to Goof Troop in MS Word.] What else can I assist you with?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: No, oh, my gosh! Dear Goof Troop, Happy birthday Goof Troop. What does that even mean?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Looks like this is a birthday letter. Try sprucing it up with a fun border like balloons, presents. You selected birthday cake man!

[MS Word has birthday cake man border now.] [Cut to Kam]

Kam: I did not select anything you nitwit.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Your border is in place. What else can I assist you with?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Ruth, this little red bastard is hijacking my letter.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: I see you font is set to Times New Roman. Try giving your letter a festive feel with a fun font like, Lucida Grande, Scribble Party, Helvetica Bonnam Carter. You select it just boxes!

[All the words in the MS Word turns into boxes.] [Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Just boxes? Ruth!

Ruth: Just let me finish this page.

Kam: What are you reading?

Ruth: Olivia Munn’s book.

Kam: Again?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Your voice controls are on and I heard the phrase Olivia Munn. Would you like to replace your letter with a full screen picture of Olivia Munn? Okay, Kabaam!

[There is nothing but Olivia Munn’s picture in MS Word now.] [Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: No, I just wanna write a letter to my college buddy. Ruth! Will ya’ put down the darn book an assist me?

Ruth: Okay. [Ruth puts down the book and comes closer to Kam] You’re so tense, Kam. I don’t know. Just click ‘help’.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Looks like you need help. Type what you need in the search bar and Pushy will get right on it.

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Disable Pushy.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: [disappointed] Oh, okay. So, it’s gonna be like that. Shoot! Um, sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this. Okay, um, just click on ‘tools’. Now, scroll down to ‘Pushy’. And in that sub-menu, there’s ‘Adjust Margins’, ‘Grammar and Spelling’ and if you click ‘Advance Options’ you’ll see ‘Murder Pushy’. So, click on that to end my life.

[Cut to Kam and. Ruth is crying.]

Kam: Stay out of this, Ruth.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Ay, real quick. Pushy would like to access iTunes. Kabaam!

[Pushy plays a sad music]

Oopsie! [A picture of little girl red pin appears on MS Word] I accidentally selected a picture of my daughter. That’s Nora. She’s gonna be a beautiful bride someday.

Okay, I’m ready to be murdered now. So, voice controls are on. And all you gotta do is very clearly say, “Murder Pushy.” Come on, do it.

[Cut to Kam and Ruth. They are very emotional.]

What are you waiting for?

Kam: Murder– Darn it! I can’t do it.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Ah! I knew you couldn’t do it, coz you are a super cool dude!

[3 starts dancing]