The House with Chris Pine

Ryan… Beck Bennett

Adam… Chris Pine

Alex… Kyle Mooney

Robber… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Ryan and Adam playing video game in the living room]

Ryan: Well, that’s game over for me. You wanna maybe watch TV later?

Adam: Sounds good.

Ryan: Okay. See you later.

Adam: Okay.

[Ryan walks out and Alex walks in]

Alex: Hey, Adam, playing a video game?

Adam: Yeah. I love it.

Alex: Well, don’t forget. Tonight I’m making margaritas.

Adam: Oh, that’s perfect. Ryan and I are going to watch TV later.

[Cut to Alex narrating]

Alex narrating: Wait, what? Why is this the first time I’m hearing about this? I’ve got to figure out what’s going on.

[Cut to Adam and Alex in the living room]

Alex: Hey, Adam. I think we need to talk.

Adam: Okay.

[Cut to Adam narrating]

Adam narrating: I have absolutely no idea what Alex wants to talk about. He gotta remember, I’m just playing my video game.

[Cut to Adam and Alex in the living room. Adam stops playing video game]

Adam: So, what’s up?

Alex: it’s just, I was going to make margaritas for just you and then I heard about the whole TV thing with with Ryan? I guess I”m confused.

Adam: I sort of forgot about margarita night.

[Cut to Alex narrating]

Alex narrating: Excuse me? Adam was one of the only guys in the house I can trust and he forgets about margarita night? Now, I’ve really gotta figure what’s going on.

[Cut to Adam and Alex in the living room]

Alex: So, you just forgot?

Adam: I’m sorry. Are we still cool?

Alex: I guess. [intense music] We are! [Adam and Alex happily stand] I’m really proud of you for telling me the truth.

Adam narrating: Alex and I are cool again. He’s quickly becoming one of my favorite guys in the house.

[Adam and Alex sit on the couch and starts watching TV] [Ryan walks in with drinks too]

Ryan: Hey, hey. I’m ready for TV time with my main man, Adam. I made Pina Coladas. [Ryan sees Adam and Alex sitting together] Wait, Alex? [Alex stands and stares at Ryan]

Adam narrating: Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you, drama.

Adam: Ryan, can we talk?

[Cut to Ryan narrating]

Ryan: Is anyone ever going to explain to me what the hell is going on here?

[Cut to Ryan, Adam and Alex in the living room]

Adam: We wanna explain what’s going on here.

Ryan narrating: Okay. Finally, some answers. I’m listening, people.

Adam: What happened earlier that I think you should know about.

[cut to flashbacks]

Alex: Tonight I’m making margaritas.

Adam: I forgot about margaritas.

[Cut to Ryan, Adam and Alex in the living room]

Ryan: Wait! You were going to make margaritas?

Alex: Yup. And now that I’ve seen that you’ve made Pina Coladas, we need to have a chit-chat.

[Cut to Ryan narrating]

Ryan narrating: Yep, this is my life.

[Cut to Adam narrating]

Adam narrating: Okay, no comment.

[Cut to random guy]

Guy: I’m staying out of this.

[Cut to Ryan, Adam and Alex in the living room]

Adam: I think you guys need some privacy.

Alex: The reason I wanted to talk to you is I want to cancel margarita night and I want to know if you will make me a Pina Colada.

Ryan narrating: Really?

Ryan: The answer to your question is… [intense music] no. Because it’s already made! There’s extra left in the blender. [happy music playing] Now, I’m gonna go pour some for you now.

[Cut to The House video bumper]

Female voice: When we return to The House, Seattle, season six… thousand.

[Cut to Ryan, Adam and Alex in the living room] [a robber breaks in]

Robber: Everybody, give me the f* money right now!

Alex narrating: Say what?

Adam narrating: First the margaritas, and now this? Guess that’s why they call it ‘The House.’

Robber narrating: Welcome to my awkward life.

Graphics Department | Season 44 Episode 17

Kyle Mooney

Dani… Beck Bennett

Ryan… Kit Harrington

Gina… Cecily Strong

Lance… Mikey Day

[Starts with three video game geeks in the office]

Kyle: Ah, my comrades, good-morrow. I’ve returned from my journey. [Passing coffee] Your goblets await.

Dani: Oh, I pray your journey to the kingdom of Duncan was a safe one.

Ryan: Indeed, my lord. And one of the munchkins.

Kyle: I triumphed. Let us feast on their balls.

[Gina walks pass them]

Ryan: Good morning, M’lady. Your smile is—

Gina: No, you don’t talk to me.

Geeks: Apologies, m’lady, apologies, m’lady.

[Lance walks in]

Lance: Hey, folks, if I could have your attention real quick.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Our lord approaches.

Dani: Let us listen with a quizzical ear and a heart of bravery.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Right. So I just wanted to announce that our new employee of the month is Ryan from graphics for his great work [Cut to the geeks] on the new Walmart website. [Ryan walks to Lance to receive the coupon] Nice. Your prize is a free cone from Baskin-Robbins.

[Ryan receives the coupon, then kneels to Lance]

Ryan: Thank you, sire.

Lance: Okay. Don’t do this right now.

Ryan: It’s mine honor to serve the court’s design firm and I will—

Lance: All right. Just get up and get back to work, please. Thank you.

[Ryan walks back to his friends]

Ryan: My fellow comrades, did you hear of my most high honor?

[Kyle and Dani stand up]

Kyle: Do not call me your comrade. For thou is a traitor. ‘Twas I who has developed the color scheme for  thine Walmart home page.

Dani: Ah! You are mistaken here, sir. Does thou for get who suggested that ought to be bubbly letters.

Kyle:  ‘Twas corny, Dani.

Dani: ‘Twas not. ‘Twas awesome.

Ryan: My lords, shall we allow such petty squabbles to fracture our brotherhood of friendship?

Kyle: Aye, we shall. Let us battle, you swine.

Dani: So be it.

[The geeks get ready to battle, like in the video games]

I cast a fireball at you.

Ryan: I dodge it. And remind you of our latest—at Ye- old hard rock café. I Trade blows with a cannonball.

Dani: I deflect your attack with my oaken shield. And notice, thou seems to forget that I venomed my side of the bill already. Throw a fireball at J.B.

Kyle: Ah, Dani, you snake. I call upon mother nature and strike you both down with blue rain.

Ryan: Forcefield.

Dani: Ah! I am hurt. But I eat a berry to replenish my health. And I strike you both with a giant’s J.

Ryan: I fire an arrow.

Dani: I block it.

Ryan: I fire again.

Dani: I block again.

Kyle: I play my flute. It’s siren’s song, lulls you to sleep.

Ryan: I strike.

Dani: I block.

Kyle: I strike.

Ryan: I block.

[Lance walks into their game]

Lance: Guys! What the hell is going on? Stop fooling around and get back to work, please.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Nay, we are honor-bound to fight for the treasure of employee of the month.

Ryan: If you oppose this, we shall destroy you.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Okay, well, clearly giving Ryan the award was a problem so I’m just going to give it to Gina instead.

[Cut to everyone]

Dani: No, I summon and earth wall to block you.

Lance: Oh, my god!

Dani: And cast a clarity spell over the office revealing that you masturbate under the stairwell.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Lance, is that true?

Lance: What? No! Of course, not. It’s just their stupid game.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: I use my Jacob’s cloak which renders me invisible but then I reappear and summon a picture of Ye Olde masturbation. [Showing a picture of Mikey masturbating in office] [Cut toe verybody]

Lance: What? No. No, you give me that. [Mikey seizes the picture]

Dani: Duplication spell. [Dani Takes the same picture out]

Lance: Stop it, okay? You can all be employee of the month.

[Cut to the geeks]

Dani: Victory! Lance the super visor has honored us all. I crown thee.

Ryan: I crown thee.

Kyle: I crown thee, as well. Come, let us celebrate upon yonder Hard Rock face.

[Cut to everybody. The geeks leave the office.]

Dani: Huzzah!

Ryan: Huzzah!

Ryan: So, they just get to leave in the middle of the day?

Lance: Yeah, remember, they have all these pictures of me masturbating at work.

Gina: Oh, right. Yeah.