Tom Hanks America’s Dad Monologue

Tom Hanks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

[Tom Hanks walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Alright, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Yes, I’m Tom Hanks. It’s something to be hosting SNL for the 9th time. Hah? Whoa! Whoa! This has been a dream of mine ever since I hosted for the 8th time. You know, magazine cover recently called me ‘America’s Dad’. [Tom Hanks opens his coat] And I would have preferred ‘sexiest man alive’, but I will take it. Anyhow, America is feeling a little nervous these days. [Tom Hanks puts on an old man sweater] And I’m a responsible father. So I thought, maybe it’s time we had a little chat.

[Tom Hanks sits and starts having a dad talk]

Hey buddy, there is my big grown nation. How you doing, champ? So, rough year, huh? Yeah, I hear you. You got a lot going on inside you. You’re feeling anxious and conflicted and you’re scared about what’s going to happen next. Well, you are going to be fine. Remember when you went through that depression? This is nothing. You’re just growing up and you’re in an awkward phase. For example, you may have noticed that your complexion is changing. You’re getting a little darker and you’re freaking out about it? But that’s natural for a nation of immigrants like yourself. Also, you’re a lot gayer than you used to be. And that is cool. That is trill. It’s fleek, whatever that means.

So, how you doing? You okay with money? Really? Coz I heard you’re in some debt. I’d like to help you out but if I do, you’re never gonna learn. Also, I don’t have $19 trillion. I have $230 million.

Something else I wanna talk to you about. You got a lot of guns, kiddo. You need all those guns? Alright! Alright! I don’t wanna have that fight again. Alright? Let’s just drop, you know, drop the gun.

Hey, one thing you should know, we can smell it. The weed. It’s like you’re not even trying to hide it anymore. But don’t worry, I won’t tell your mom because it don’t need to because she can smell it too.

Look, all I came in here to say is you are great. I know some people say China is better than you. Sure, you know, China might be popular right now. People don’t understand how hard it is to be you. I mean, you got a summer birthday, that’s always tough.

Also, you know, you were so dang creative. Think of everything you have done. You went to the moon. You invented the internet. You created a canon that shoots t-shirts. Alright, alright, I’m gonna get out of your hair. You got a big decision the next couple of weeks. But I know you’re gonna make the right choice. As long as you think from here [pointing the brain] and here [pointing the heart] , and not so much down there. And no matter what happens, I’m proud of you.

Now, enough of the sulking. I want you to pick yourself up, get yourself off and go show the world what else you can stuff inside a pizza crust. Pound it! Oh, that’s my man!

[Tom Hanks gets back to the stage]

That kid is gonna be fine because that kid is a Hanks. We got a great show. Lady Gaga is here. Stick around. We will be right back.