Sam… Woody Harrelson

Kevin… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of people in line to play Slingshot]

Kevin: Oh man, here we are. Come on. Y’all want to do the Slingshot?

Heidi: Oh my god, look at this thing. It’s so high.

Sam: Man. That’s way up there.

Kevin: Come on, it’s not that high. Let’s do it. Who’s coming?

Ego: Baby, you know I can’t get on that thing. I get so scared.

Kevin: Oh, come on. Please.

Heidi: Sam will go with you.

Sam: Me? Yeah, well, I don’t know. I mean-

Kevin: Yeah, come on, Sam. You can punk out in front of your girl.

Heidi: Yes, Sam. Kevin needs a partner. You’re brave, right?

Sam: Okay. I guess.

Attendant: Gentlemen, ready to fly?

Kevin: Oh, yeah.

Attendant: We’re clear for takeoff.

Sam: This thing’s safe, right?

Attendant: Of course. It shoots you up 400 feet for three seconds. No problem, right?

Kevin: Sounds good to me.

Attendant: Yeah. Just 10 G’s right in your face. Hope you’re okay with that.

Kevin:  Doesn’t bother me at all, man. I’m a veteran. I was in the Air Force.

Attendant: Love that.

Sam: You know what? I want to get off.

Kevin: Get off? Man, it’s too late with that now, Sammy.

Sam: No, no, no, I really, really want to get off.

Kevin: Hey, he can’t hear you, man. Just get ready for the countdown. Oh, here we go. All right, it’s happening in 3-2-1. Oh my goodness. Oh my god, Jesus.

[Kevin faints]

Sam: Man, this is so high. Whooo! It’s like we’re birds. Hey Kevin, I think I can see my house. Kevin? You see it?

Kevin: Yeah, I got it. [wakes up] Ahh! [He screams for a while then faints again]

Sam: Hey man, you passed out? Kevin? Kevin?

Heidi: Oh my god. Did you see how fast they went up?

Ego: That was insane. It was so insane. I know. I know. I know. Okay, here they come, here they come.

[Sam and Kevin walk to them]

Heidi: Hey, you’re alive.

Sam: Ha-ha-ha.

Ego: How was it?

Sam: Crazy. I can’t believe I did that. They shoot you up so high.

Kevin: Yeah, that was pretty wild.

Ego: Was it fun?

Sam: Oh, actually it was. Man, I mean, that was a once in a lifetime experience.

Kevin: It sure was. Let’s go and get in the car now.

Ego: No, you know what, Kevin? I’ll do it.

Kevin: Oh you gonna do it?

Ego: Yeah. You’ll go with me right, baby?

Kevin: Yeah, yeah, of course.

Heidi: Go, girl. I love it.

Ego: I can’t believe we’re doing this.

Kevin: I can’t believe it either.

[Ego and Kevin walk to the seats]

Attendant: Glad to have you back.

Attendant: Looks like a returned customer. Very brave.

Kevin: Yeah, yeah. Hey man, can we go up real soft and come down real gentle?

Attendant: No can do. This thing has only one speed.

Ego: Baby, we’re gonna be okay, right?

Kevin: I want to say yes. I guess we just gotta wait for the countdown. Alright, here we go. In 3-2. Ahhh! [screaming] No, no, no.

[Kevin faints]

Ego: Kevin? Kevin, you okay baby? Kevin? Oh my god. Talk to me. Kevin?

Kevin: [wakes up] Ah, I’m passing out. I’m passing out!

[Kevin faints again]

Ego: What do you mean passing out? You were in the Air Force.

Kevin: Yes, yes. I was only painting the planes though.

Ego: Kevin? Just calm down.

Kevin: Oh baby, I lost my job three weeks ago.

Ego: You lost your job?

Kevin: Oh my goodness. I’m 17 years older too, by the way. I ain’t tell you, I thought you daddy was gonna tell you. [faints again]

Ego: What? Kevin?

Kevin: [wakes up] Oh, I’m peeing. I’m peeing on everything. I’m peeing all over the place, honey. Oh, get me out of here.

Heidi: You know what? I wanna do it.

Ego: Oh good. Kevin will go with you.

Kevin: No. No, I’m done.

Heidi: Oh, this is fun.

Kevin: Why is nobody listening to me? Oh, I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready. Ah!

[Kevin faints again]

Weekend Update: Trump Launches NFT Trading Cards, FTX Founder Sam Bankman-Fried’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Insiders are saying that the House January 6 committee will refer at least three criminal charges against Donald Trump. But after this week, I think he’s pretty much locked down that insanity place. Semi retired maniac Donald Trump has launched a collection of digital NFT trading cards depicting him in various costumes, including cowboy, superhero and most unbelievable of all, guy who didn’t dodge the draft. I’m honestly just relieved that he’s wearing an American military uniform. It’s such a funny move to get into NFTs after the whole market just crashed. It’s like getting into Kanye now. Which Trump also kind of did.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Sam Bankman-Fried at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Sam Bankman-Fried, the former CEO of the cryptocurrency company FTX was arrested on fraud charges in the Bahamas. I’m gonna guess while swimming in a T-shirt. Prosecutors allege that Bankman-Fried took funds from FTX customers to make large political donations. That money will now be used to make sure the cameras outside his jail cell aren’t working.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden’s seen here giving the eulogy at a pimp’s funeral formally approved new legislation that will guarantee federal protections for same sex and interracial marriages in a signing ceremony held over my grandpa’s dead body.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene who, let’s just face it, is absolutely my type, complained that people can buy butt plugs in target now. She also complained that they melt and are shaped like Santa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Biden also hosted leaders of African countries at the White House for the US African Business Forum. Coincidentally, US African Business Forum is what they call Weekend Update in Nigeria. [Picture changes to Colin Jost and Michael Che in Weekend Update set]

Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.

Soda Shop

Connie… Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Louise… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Sam… Louis C.K.

Johnny… Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with girls walking into a soda shop]

Connie: Gee, gang, that math test was the bees knees.

Vanessa: Honey, you’re such a nerd. Isn’t Connie a nerd, Louise? Louise?

Louise: Oh, sorry. I wasn’t listening. I was moping.

Aidy: Louise, are you still upset about not getting asked to dance.

Vanessa: We know what will make you feel better.

Aidy: Hey, Sam, how about a root beer float? We got someone down in the dumps.

Sam: Sure thing, girls. But speaking of ice cream, what’s the scoop? Who is the pouty penny?

Louise: It’s me. I’m the only girl who didn’t get asked to the spring fling bepop and sock hop.

Sam: Well, sounds to me like those boys are making a whooper of a mistake. I’m gonna give you an extra scoop of vanilla on the house.

Louise: Aw, thanks Sam. I wish all the boys to be more like you.

Girls: Sam’s the best.

Sam: Well, heck, if I were 20 years younger, I would ask you myself. I mean it. And geez, I’d even ask you right now, the age I am right now.

Louise: Ha-ha, Sam. Very funny.

Connie: Sam tells the best jokes.

Sam: Ha-ha-ha. So, what do you say?

Louise: To what, Sam?

Sam: The dance. Are we doing it or what?

Louise: The spring fling, Sam?

Aidy: Ha-ha. That’s for teenagers, Sam.

Sam: Well, then wouldn’t it wow the crowd to show up with an older man on your arm?

Vanessa: I would go with Sam if he asked me.

Sam: Well, I didn’t ask you, stupid. I asked Louise.

Louise: Sam, you’re being awfully nice, but I wanted to go to the dance in a normal way, like with a boy my age instead of an older married man.

Sam: [laughing] Married? Please. The next time I kiss my wife will be at her funeral.

Louise: Neato, Sam.

Sam: Hey, you know what would be fun if we did a test run?

Louise: Of what?

Sam: Our date.

Louise: We’re still talking about that?

Sam: Well, sure. Let’s pretend that this booth over here is a car. [Sam pulls Louise and puts her in a booth with him.] Just for pretend.

Louise: You sure are cookie, Sam.

Vanessa: Hey, this is fun. Can we be a part of the scene?

Sam: No, so shut up.

[Sam is pretending like he’s driving]

Louise: Sam, this is nice and all. But…

Sam: Wait. Get down, Louise. [pretending like he’s shooting people outside the car] Bang, bang. Did you see that?

Louise: What?

Sam: I killed two people.

Louise: Why? Why did you do that?

Sam: Well, I didn’t like they way they were talking about you. They were saying stuff like, “Louise thinks she is better than all of us now that she has fallen in love with a married man and I hear they are running way to get married some place where the rules are different.”

Louise: Okay. Thank you, Sam, but I would like to get out of the car now.

Sam: You can’t. We are in a tunnel.

Aidy: Where is there a tunnel on the way to school?

Connie: I don’t think he’s taking her to school.

[Johnny walks in]

Johnny: Louise, I have been looking all over for you.

Louise: For me? Why, Johnny?

Johnny: Well, coz I’ve been trying to do this. Louie Marie Conolioly, will you be my date for the spring fling?

Louise: Oh, Johnny, of course I will

[Sam stands]

Sam: So, um, what does that mean for me?

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Connie? I made dinner and you are here at the pervert’s soda shop?

Vanessa: Um, Louie made us come. She always makes us come here because she knows Sam is going to make inappropriate sexual advances towards her.

Louise: It’s a game I like. I like knowing that I could get Sam in big trouble for the things he says, but he does it anyway. Makes me feel powerful. I know it sounds silly, but I do want to be a dominatrix when I grow up so it’s not as hair brained as it sounds. Anyway, [holds Johnny’s hands] see you, Sam.

[Everyone walks out]

Sam: OH, well, I guess it’s just you dancing alone again tonight, Sam.

[Sam hits the glass in Jukebox and cuts his hand]

Oh, I cut the heck out of my hand.

Weekend Update Sam and Gilly

Colin Jost

Samwell Tarly… Bobby Moynihan

Gilly… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With it’s sexy characters and steamy plot lines, Game of Thrones is the hottest show on the TV right now. Here to talk about it is the hottest couple in Westoros, Samwell Tarly and the wilgling Gilly.

[Samwell Tarly and Gilly slide in]

Gilly: Thank you but no pictures please.

Samwell Tarly: Thank you.

Gilly: Thank you.

Samwell Tarly: Thank you.

Gilly: Thank you.

Samwell Tarly: Thank you.

Gilly: Thank you.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You guys are the show’s hottest couple?

Gilly: Yeah!

Colin Jost: Okay, what about Jon Snow and Egret?

Gilly: She’s dead.

Samwell Tarly: Dead, yeah.

Colin Jost: Okay, well what about Rob Stark?

Samwell Tarly: Dead.

Gilly: Dead.

Samwell Tarly: Also dead.

Colin Jost: Okay, what about Cersei and Jaime?

Gilly: Incest.

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, doesn’t count.

Gilly: Doesn’t count. Sorry.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, being the only couple makes you the hottest couple?

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Samwell Tarly: Yeah. And it’s not easy being frost into the spotlight.

Gilly: Yeah, you know, everyone is looking at me now wondering what kind of rags would I be wearing, what will I be complaining about, how sick will my baby be. It’s like, live your own life!

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, you know? And the paparazzi won’t leave us alone. I mean, look at this who wore it better spread.

Gilly: And you know, it just turns my stomach to think about all these young boys dreaming about my stringy hair and my bulging eyes, you know, sneaking up stairs to have it go at themselves.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, no, no. I really– I don’t think boys are doing that.

Samwell Tarly: They are. No, they are. To her and me.

Gilly: Yeah, yeah.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Let’s just say people look at us and the winter is not the only thing that’s coming.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! Wow! Oh, Wow! Don’t applaud that. Don’t applaud that!

Samwell Tarly: No, they should.

Colin Jost: I have to say I don’t think anyone would call you two traditionally sexy.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Samwell Tarly: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, I’ve been mistaken for Jon Snow from very, very far away. And also, I’ve been mistaken for a large pile of crows, and the entrance to a cave.

Gilly: You know, but underneath this sex appeal, we’re just a regular couple.

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, I mean we live at the wall. It’s not the greatest neighborhood but I mean, it’s an elevator building.

Gilly: You see, we’re normal people. We met in the normal way. My ex tried to sacrifice my baby to a ghost but Sam went to the killing stump and saved him.

Samwell Tarly: Oh, boy.

Gilly: Oh, he hates when I talk about my ex.

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, because your ex is your father.

Colin Jost: Okay. Yeah!

[Cut to Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Colin Jost]

You know, at least you guys seem like a happy couple. You know, what’s a typical night like?

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Gilly: Oh, yeah. We just hang around the house in each other’s arms. Like this.

[They start acting. They are sitting close and are scared.]

My baby!

Samwell Tarly: Shh!

Gilly: My baby!

Samwell Tarly: Quiet Gilly, they’ll hear you.

Gilly: Sam, my baby.

[they stop acting] [Cut to Colin Jost, Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Colin Jost: Very, very sweet.

Gilly: Thank you.

Colin Jost: And now, what’s next for you guys?

Samwell Tarly: Oh, I’m glad you asked.

Gilly: Yeah, that’s a great question. Yeah.

Samwell Tarly and Gilly: Death!

Colin Jost: Okay. Great! Sam and Gilly everyone!

New HBO Shows | Season 44 Episode 17

Jon Snow… Kit Harington

Ygritte (White Walker)… Heidi Gardner

Sam… Kyle Mooney

Gilly… Cecily Strong

Tormund Giantsbane… Mikey Day

Hodor… Beck Bennett

[Starts with game of thrones intro]

Narrator: Game Of Thrones, the final season. [Cut to different movie clips from Game of Throne series] Only six episodes remain until we say goodbye to HBO’s thrilling saga. But the journey continues with prequels, sequels and spinoffs. [Cut to trailer of Castle Black] Like “Castle Black”, a sexy moody drama about forbidden love.

[Cut to Jon Snow drinking wine]

Ygritte: Hey. [Ygritte as a white walker comes in]

Jon Snow: You came.

[Cut to Ygritte]

Ygritte: Yeah. And you promised that when winter came you would tell your friends about me, about us. Well, winter is here, Jon.

[Cut to Jon Snow]

Jon Snow: It’s not that simple. You’re dead.

[Cut to Ygritte]

Ygritte: You were dead too.

[Cut to Jon Snow. He stands up emotionally.]

Jon Snow: That was different and you know it. [Ygritte starts opening her clothes] What are you doing? Stop. Stop that.

Ygritte: This is what you want, isn’t it? Come take it. [Ygritte is only skeleton inside her clothes] [Laughter]

Narrator: And check out everyone’s favorite [Cut to video clip of Arya Stark from Game of Thrones] assassin in cartoon form. [Cut to video clip of Arya in cartoon form] It’s Arya.

[Cut to cartoon. A boy is talking to Arya in the hallway of school.]

Cartoon Boy: Hey, Arya, are you going to dance with the faceless man? [Arya stabs the boy’s neck with her needle sword and kills him.] [Cut to Arya]

Cartoon Arya: A girl is going with her friends.

[Cut to promotion video clips of The Queen of King’s Landing]

Narrator: And if you’re looking for laughs, you’ll love Sam and Gilly in “The Queen of King’s Landing”.

[Cut to Sam in the kitchen. Gilly walks inside later with her baby]

Gilly: Sam, what happened to the kitchen? [Cut to Gilly] Were we attacked by the free folk?

[Cut to Sam]

Sam: Even worse. I tried to make dinner.

[Cut to Sam and Gilly] [Cut to different promotional video clips]

Narrator: Plus it’s going to be a game of crossovers with shows like [A picture of Cersei appears] Cersei and the City, [Cut to pictures of Grey Worm, Lord Verys, Theon Greyjoy] No ballers, [Cut to pictures of Mellisandre] The Marvelous Mrs. Mellisandre, and [Cut to dragons breathing fire] Dragons aren’t the only ones spitting fire on. [Cut to intro of Wildling Out] Wildling Out.

[Cut to rap battle between Wildlings]

Tormund Giantsbane: This white bitch know he can’t stop me. Yo, why y’all got me out here battling bootleg king Joffrey?

[Cut to promotion video clips of HBO KIDS shows]

Narrator: And over on HBO kids, we got family friendly shows like Dire Guys and Hodor’s house.

[Cut to Hodor is holding the door from the inside]

Hodor: Hodor! [Hodor leaves the door and smiles] [Cut to flowers laughing at Hodor] [Cut to promotion video clips of Game of Thrones Special Victims Unit]

Narrator: And franchises collide in our new procedural, “GOT SVU”.

[Cut to detectives in a crime scene wearing similar clothes to the Game of Thrones]

Male Detective: You tell me some sick son of a bitch cuts his thing off.

Female detective: Yes.

Male Detective: Then fed it to his dog?

Female detective: Seems so.

Male Detective: Then gauze the man’s eyes out.

Female detective: Yeah.

Male Detective: Then fed in his own eyes?

Female detective: Bingo

[Cut to detectives and a human corpse]

Male Detective: then wore his dead skin to an orgy.

Female detective: Ding ding.

Male Detective: Then got busy in the holes where his eyes used to be?

Female detective: Circle gets the square.

[Cut to outro of Game of thrones]

Narrator: Game of thrones. We’re going full “Star Wars” on this.