Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a news article titled ‘Orthodox Jewish neighborhoods protest restrictions’ at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Orthodox Jewish in New York city lashed out at a newly impulsed coronavirus restriction in their neighborhood by setting fires and burning mask. And it’s a miracle because the mask burned for eight nights.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article about Goldman Sachs at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Come on, dude!
Michael Che: That’s a good one. Come on. Stop it. Stop it.
Colin Jost: Goldman Sachs is reporting that if Joe Biden wins the election and democrats regain the control of congress, the economy will recover faster. I don’t have a joke for that. I just wanted to point out that Trump’s only thing he says he’s good at is the economy, and the economy itself was like, “I’m voting for Biden.”
[Picture changes to a woman holding a sanitizer.]
This is worse. A new Halloween costume being sold this year is for sexy hand sanitizer which I think is just lube.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s new breakfast items at right top corner.]
Michael Che: McDonald’s announced that for the first time in a decade, it’s adding new items to it’s breakfast bakery menu, including an apple fritter, a blueberry muffin and cinnamon rolls, all for the low-low price of one of your feet.
[Picture changes to Whitey Ford]
Yankee’s legend Whitey Ford died this week at the age of 91. Ford reminds us of a simpler time when you could just name your kid ‘Whitey’.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sizzler logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It is dark. Sizzler restaurants have announced that as a result of the impact from covid, they are filing bankruptcy. Which is probably a good idea since the Sizzler buffet is the closest thing America has to a Wuhan wet market.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a shark at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Researchers in Nova Scotia have found a 50 year old great white shark that they’re calling queen of the ocean, because he gay as hell.
[Picture changes to a horse]
Pennsylvania police arrested a man who tried to rent a horse online so that he and his wife could have sex with the animal. But the man had no idea that the whole time, he was actually chatting with a police horse.