Stu

Santa… Jason Bateman

Elves… Chloe Fineman, Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

Stu… Pete Davidson

Dido… Kate McKinnon

Elton John… Bowen Yang

[Starts with elves reading letters from children to Santa]

Elf: But the thing i want more than anything in the whole world is a new bike. Love, chase.

Santa: Ho ho ho! What a good boy! Let’s give him that bike and a helmet!

Elf: Good thinking, Santa!

Elf: Oh, and here’s one from Emily. “Dear Santa, this year I want a Disney princess mirror!”

Shanta: That’s exactly what she’ll get, huh? Who’s next? Rupert?

Elf: Um…

Santa: Rupert, what is it?

Elf: It’s just, heh, mine’s a little weird.

Santa: I’m sure it’s not that weird. just read it!

Elf: Um, okay. But it starts normal enough. Dear Santa…

[Cut to underground where 1 is writing a letter. It’s a copy of music video of “Stan” bye Eminem ft. Dido.] [“Stan” instrumental playing]

Stu: [rapping] Dear Santa, I can’t believe the year is almost over
It’s getting colder, I’m a year older, but I’m still your soldier
You’re my hero because you always bring me the assist
So once again we’re back to zero, here we go, my Christmas list
I won’t be greedy or needy or ask you for too much
Just want one thing, and I hope you still got that magic touch
’cause gettin’ this present is the only thing keeping me alive
Dear Santa Claus, please bring me a PS5
I tried to buy one at Walmart, ran around the mall like Paul Blart
Tried to buy one on sale, but the thing was, they’re all out
Yo, I even went to a game stop, but then I went “Oh, wait, stop!
Santa Claus can make one, he’s got his own workshop.”
I know you prob’ly hear this every day, but you got a cool hat
I love that movie you did with Will Ferrell, man, elf was phat
Anyways, I love the things you do
Don’t forget, bring me gift, truly i believe in you
This is Stu

[Cut to an elf dropping Stu’s letter on the floor while delivering them to Santa]

Dear Santa, I notice you never wrote me a letter back
That’s fine, dawg, but really, I think that’s kinda wack
If you can’t help your biggest fan, then you should just retire
Or next time you slide down my chimney, I’ll set your ass on fire
Just playin’, I still love you, don’t think that I’m obsessed
I even got a tattoo of your name across my chest
Just bring that PS5, bro, if it’s the only thing you do
Sincerely, Stu. p.s. we should live together. cue dido

[Cut to Dido sleeping on a mattress holding a PS5]

Dido: [singing] Stu is waiting for his surprise
To open up a PS5
He just really wants to play
Assassin’s creed on Christmas day
But he can’t buy it himself because he lost his job
He was stealing from his boss
I’d be worried ’cause he’s a scary guy
A scary guy

[Cut to Stu driving a car in a raining night. He’s recording his message while driving.]

Stu: Dear mister holly jolly two-faced son of a bitch
I hope you crash your sleigh and wind up face-down in a ditch
I guess even the great saint Nick can’t track down a PS5
Hey Santa, I drank a fifth of eggnog, dare me to drive
You ruined Christmas, I wish I never told you what was on my wishlist
Screw you, your elves, your stupid beard, and your bitch tits
So this’ll be my last letter, i know you’ll miss me when I’m gone
Sincerely yours, Stu. ladies and gentlemen, sir Elton John

[Cut to Elton John singing while playing piano]

Elton John: [singing]This year Christmas will be bad
’cause Santa sucks and Stu is sad
Already asked you really nicely
And now he’s really pissed off
I’m just telling you ’cause I like you a lot
I’m a big fan of Santa
And I also want a PS5
A PS5

[Cut to Santa and elves talking]

Elf: Santa, this is serious!

Elf: Don’t panic, don’t panic!

Elf: I’m freaking out! Aaaah!

Santa: All right, all right! I think it’s time I write a letter back to Stu.

[rapping] Dear Stu, I think you got the wrong address, bro.
I’m not Santa Claus. Bye Bye!”

Elf: Damn!

[Cut to a TV screen It shows Eminem reading a letter from Santa]

Eminem: What’s this? “To shady, from Santa.” That’s crazy, a PS5? I didn’t even ask for this. Shady must have been a good boy this year. Sorry, Stu. You f—– up

Santa’s Village

Steven… Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Elf… Kyle Mooney

Santa…Jason Bateman

Mrs. Clause… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a couple with their daughter in a mall]

Steven: You know, I was nervous about coming indoors with all these strangers, but the mall really is the most magical place at Christmas.

Melissa: It’s only place to see Santa and hot topic.

Steven: And I’m just so impressed with all the safety protocols they haven’t placed, right?

Melissa: Wait, what is that?

[a robot with a tablet on his face comes in. The tablet is displaying a video of a person speaking live with them.]

Elf: It’s me, jingle bells, the virtual contactless elf. Welcome to Santa’s social distancing Santa’s village. Are you ready to meet Santa?

[Daughter nods her head yes]

Melissa: More than ready. Are you sure it’s safe though?

Elf: Safe as it could be. Just stick your hands to my tummy and get some hand sanitizer real quick.

Steven: Ew, why is it in his tummy?

Melissa: Steven, just enjoy the magic of Christmas and stick your hand in the Elf’s tummy and get your hand sanitizer. Okay.

[Steven and Melissa get their hand sanitizer from elf’s tummy.]

Elf: And now the moment you’ve been waiting for. Presenting the king and queen of Christmas. Santa and Mrs. Clause.

[The curtains open. There are Santa and Mrs. Clause inside a plastic ball.]

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. It’s a covid friendly Christmas.

Mrs. Caluse: That’s right. Normally, you’d be sitting on Santa’s lap. And I’d be giving you one of these delicious cupcakes

Santa: But that’s just not safe this year. So, we’re coming to you from inside our magic snow globes.

Mrs. Caluse: That way, we can spread the magic of Christmas without spreading that other thing.

Santa: So, step right up here and give Santa a nice big high-five right through the bubble here.

[Santa falls and rolls inside the ball]

Mrs. Caluse: John! I mean, Santa! Are you okay?

Santa: Off the base, baby!

Mrs. Caluse: Are you okay, John?

Santa: Do I look okay? I’m loose. You’re supposed to secure the base.

Mrs. Caluse: I thought you meant that like, a political thing.

Santa: Why would I think that?

Mrs. Caluse: Politics season. I don’t know, John.

Daughter: Is Santa okay?

Melissa: I’m not sure, sweetie.

Steven: And who’s John?

Mrs. Caluse: Oh, that’s just Mrs. Clause’s nick name for her clumsy husband. You know, why don’t you come here and give me the high-five?

[Mrs. Caluse falls and rolls inside the ball]

Santa: What happened?

Mrs. Caluse: Oh, no! Oh, no!

Santa: Patrice?

Melissa: Patrice… I’m sorry. Does Mrs. Clause need help?

Mrs. Caluse: No, no, no. I was just so excited to eat my cupcakes, I forgot to use my hand, and I smashed them directly in my face.

Santa: Yes, yes. Everything is okay! This is what we wanted to do. Exactly where I wanted my acting career, Patrice.

Mrs. Caluse: John, stop. No, no. Now, little girl, why don’t you come tell Santa what you want for Christmas?

Steven: Yeah. I’m not sending my child up there while you’re loose like that.

Santa: Then I will come to you, sir. Santa has got it now. They’re just steps.

Steven: No, no, no.

[Santa falls and rolls to them.]

Santa: Son of a–

Melissa: Can you call for help, Jingle Bells?

Elf: Well, I’m using my phone to do this elf thing with you. She’ll be fine.

Mrs. Caluse: No, no, no. I don’t know if I am fine. I think that cupcake plugged my hole. I can’t feel my hole.

Santa: Somebody please clear Patricia’s hole. Somebody with little fingers please. You, sir.

Steven: No, I don’t want to clear your wife’s hole. I’m sorry.

Daughter: Is Santa and his wife going to be okay?

Santa: No, no. She’s not my wife.

Mrs. Caluse: Yeah. No, we’re recently separated. I mean, we live together but it’s complicated.

Steven: Hey! Out daughter doesn’t need to hear any of that.

Melissa: And I think you hit your nose or something because you’re bleeding from it.

[Santa’s nose is bloody]

Santa: Oh, dammit. Are you for real? One week after my nose job. Patrice, this is unbelievable. Complete waste of money.

Mrs. Caluse: John, your beautiful face.

Santa: You still think I look beautiful?

Mrs. Caluse: Yeah, I do.

Santa: Bless you.

Melissa: You know what? Maybe we should just go. Our daughter already left.

Steven: She did? Where is she?

Elf: She can be anywhere. It’s a big mall. But you paid for a picture. You still want it?

Melissa: Yeah.

Steven: I mean, with John and Patrice? I guess so.

Elf: Okay, get in front of their balls and say Merry Christmas.
Santa: Wonderful. Wonderful. Please. Get close. Don’t be frightened.

[Mrs. Caluse rolls over Steven.]

Everything is under control. Put your arm around me darling. Don’t push on me. Don’t push on me.

[Santa rolls over Melissa.]

Visit With Santa Cold Open

Elf… kate McKinnon

Santa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Santa ready to meet the children at Macy’s. Elf is wearing elf dress. Santa is sitting on a chair.]

Elf: Okay, kids. Santa’s back from his lunch break. He’s back from up at the north pole, a.k.a., Panda Express.

Santa: Ha-ha. That’s right, and he’s ready to hear you Christmas wishes. Ho-ho-ho.

Elf: Hey, [to a kid] what about you? My little boy. Are you ready to talk to Santa?

[The boy walks to Santa and sits on his lap]

Tyler: Yeah.

Santa: Alright. Well, get on up here, young man. What’s your name?

Tyler: Tyler.

Santa: And Tyler, what would you like for Santa to bring you this year?

Tyler: Could I get a mega-blocks dinosaur?

Santa: Well, I think that can be arranged.

Tyler: And, could I get laser tag?

Santa: Well, I can certainly try.

Tyler: And, can you tell me what did Al Franken do?

Santa: Okay, wow. Let’s see. Um, I think I can handle the mega-blocks and the laser tag. [to Elf] Can you take the Al Franken thing?

Elf: No. And, in this climate, can you just call me Amy?

Santa: Absolutely. Okay, well, Tyler, I guess you could say that Al Franken is on Santa’s naughty list this year.

Tyler: And what about Roy Moore? Which list is he on?

Elf: It’s not really a list. It’s more of a registry.

Santa: Okay, you know what? We should keep this line moving along. Okay. Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas, Tyler. Okay, who’s up next?

[The boy leaves. Elf calls a girl.]

Jessica: Hi, Santa. I’m Jessica.

Santa: Merry Christmas, Jessica. What would you like from Santa?

Jessica: I wanted to follow up on Tyler’s question. Is president Trump on the naughty list?

Santa: Well, you know, Santa tries to stay out of political matters. Our president may have said or done a few naughty things.

Elf: 19 accusers. Google it.

Santa: [to Elf] Okay. Can we not? Can we just not? Amy? Thanks. [to the girl] Look, Jessica, I’m sure we can all learn a lesson from what’s going on in the news.

Jessica: We sure can. I learned that if you admit that you did something wrong, you get in trouble. But if you deny it, they let you keep your job.

Santa: Well, okay. Careful there, Jessica. Or you might get some coal in your stocking.

Jessica: From where? We both know coal is a dying industry.

Santa: Okay, thank you very much. Merry Christmas.

[The girl walks away. Another boy comes in.]

Okay. Hello.

Billy: Hi, Santa. My name is Billy and I want a football.

Santa: Well, you got it, Billy.

Billy: I love football. Why did the players kneel during the national anthem? Do they hate the troops?

Santa: No! They’re just kneeling because they’re tired.

Billy: From all the brain injuries?

Santa: You know what? Sure. Let’s just go with that. Somehow that’s the happier version. Alright, Merry Christmas, Billy.

Billy: Go Brogo.

Santa: Yeah. Right. to the hospital. Alright.

[The boy walks out. Another girl walks in]

Hello.

Girl: Hi, Santa. I already asked my dad for an American Girl doll.

Santa: Well, that sounds like fun.

Girl: But my dad says he can’t afford any presents until the tax cut trickles down from the wealthiest 1%.

Santa: Well, you know, that’s economics. Santa didn’t study economics. He studies musical theater which is perhaps why he’s working as a Santa at this mall right now.

Girl: And I heard the new tax bill add $1 trillion to the national debt. Is that naughty?

Santa: Well, you know, I’m sure they’re just trying to make things friendlier for businesses.

Elf: Actually, Santa, thanks to that much needed tax cut, [pointing at the girl] this little ray of sunshine will be forking over her social security checks to the Chinese. And if she thinks she’s getting medicare, ooh! She is out of her little mind.

Girl: Wow! Classic response.

Santa: Oh, you know what? Thank you.

Elf: Thank you for coming.

Santa: Thank you very much. Okay. Next.

Elf: And now, you.

[The girl walks out. Another girl walks in.]

Santa: Oh, how about you. Aren’t you cute? What do you want for Christmas?

Girl: Hi, Santa. I want a barbie. Unless they’re gonna take them away from me too.

Santa: Okay, barbie. You got it. Let’s go. See you later. And kids, just to reminder to keep your wishes light and Christmasy and not political.

[The girl walks out. Another boy walks in.]

Okay? Alright.

Boy: That’s good. Coz I hate politics.

Santa: Ah! Thank the lord.

Boy: Instead. I wanna talk about opioids.

Santa: No! You’re done. Thank you very much. Next!

[The boy walks out. Another girl walks in.]

Alright, hello. Aren’t you cute? What would you like for Christmas?

Girl: An embassy that is still in Tel Aviv.

Santa: How do you know about Tel Aviv? Thank you very much. You’re done. Next.

[The girl walks away. Another boy walks in]

Ay, what about you? Maybe you like a toy from Santa?

Boy: Oh, you mean toy like the one that Lauer gave to his coworker?

Santa: Okay. Um, you know what? Ear muff. Ear muff. [The boy closes his years] [to Elf] Where the hell did they get these kids from? I’d never thought I’d say this, but I think our public schools are too good. Okay, ear muffs off. [to boy] I’m getting you an Xbox. Merry Christmas.

Boy: Xbox? Awesome! More factory jobs for Chinese kids.

Santa: Whoa! Okay. Alright! You know what? I think Santa might need another break. This one might involve a cigarette.

[A girl walks to Santa]

Jenny: Sanga?

Santa: Oh, yes little girl. What’s your name?

Jenny: Jenny. And Santa, I don’t want any gifts this year. I just want everything to be okay.

Elf: Oh, my goodness. Okay, Jenny. Listen to me. I know that things seem particularly insane right now. Like, truly mind bendingly insane. And we seem to have lost all perspective on what’s naughty or nice.

Jenny: I know. I’ve seen FOX News.

Elf: Oh, there you go. But, as bad as things might seem, I promise you Jenny, it will be okay. Okay? Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for another three years, 42 days and 24 minutes, Jenny. But most people in America are good people. And eventually, good people will fix our country.

Jenny: Okay. Good. But just in case, I’m putting all my money in Bitcoin.

Santa: Oh, yes. That’s the spirit. Now, do you remember what Santa always says?

Jenny: Yes.

Santa: Do you wanna say it with me?

Jenny: Okay.

All: Merry Christmas. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

John Cena Monologue

John Cena

Santa… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Cena.

[John Cena walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John Cena: Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name if John Cena and to those of you who voted for Hillary, I’m a wrestler. [crowd laughs late] Yeah, well, late bloomers but that’s okay. Normally on TV, you see me in the ring throwing down all the other WWE superstars, and I love it. But it’s exciting to get away for a week and do something a little different. And now, I’m gonna need someone to help me sing. Get out here, New York Santa!

[Bobby Moynihan in Santa outfit walks in]

Bobby Moynihan: Ho, ho, ho. I’m locking it.

John Cena: The normal Santa travels by a sleigh. [Bobby Moynihan starts opening his Santa costume] But the New York–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] No! Cena! You think you can do comedy and wrestling? Well, two can play that game. Get ready to feel the pain of… The Waddler.

[Cut to intro video of The Waddler as a wrestler. John Cena’s entry music is playing.] [Cut to the SNL stage. John Cena is on stage but Bobby Moynihan is standing very far.]

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah!

John Cena: How did you get over there?

Bobby Moynihan: I waddled! [running towards the stage] Oh! I’m coming for you, Cena.

John Cena: Okay, well you do.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, I just move real weird. [moving around John Cena’s behind] What are you gonna do when The Waddler’s coming for you, Cena? Hun?

John Cena: [laughing] I mean, that’s actually really cool. Did you make that outfit?

Bobby Moynihan: I did.

John Cena: That’s– I actually think you could be a great WWE superstar.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh my god, wow. Um, thank you, John. You did not have to say that.

John Cena: Bring it in here, man!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay.

[John Cena and Bobby Moynihan hug each other. John Cena mistakenly breaks Bobby Moynihan’s bones while hugging.]

Ah! Okay! That’s a rib. That’s a full rack of ribs right there.

[Bobby Moynihan walks away limping]

John Cena: Okay. [music playing] The real New York Christmas.

[Cut to Leslie Jones a the back of the audience.]

Leslie Jones: [yelling] John Cena! You coming here to tell jokes on my turf? I’m bout to whoop your ass!

John Cena: Wait, what’s your wrestling character supposed to be?

Leslie Jones: Wrestling character? I’m Leslie Jones, bitch!

[Cut to intro video of Leslie Jones as a wrestler. John Cena’s entry music is playing.] [Cut to SNL stage. Leslie Jones walks to John Cena]

Leslie Jones: That’s right and I’m bout to get in your– Ooh! [checking out John Cena’s body] Damn! Ooh! You is very fine. I did not know. Ooh, I can put my whole tongue in your chin nipple deep. [takes her card out of back pocket and gives it to John Cena] Just meet me at the hotel room, John.

[Leslie Jones walks away]

John Cena: Okay guys. This isn’t a challenge. [Kenan Thompson is sneaking behind John Cena with a steel chair] We’re in it together. I actually worked really hard on this song. Seriously. I spent all week writing with a couple of nerds, so please–

[Kenan hits John Cena with the chair. The chair breaks but John Cena doesn’t move at all.]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah! Got you, Cena!

John Cena: Alright! Alright. [John Cena opens his coat. He is wearing sleeveless shirt.] I’ve been trying to be nice to you guys all you wanna do is challenge me. So, if you really want some, come get some.

[Cut to John Cena’s intro video as a wrestler.] [Cut to the SNL stage]

Kenan Thompson: Oh! I made a grand error in judgement.

John Cena: You can’t see me.

Kenan Thompson: [scared] Oh, I’m done with the flower.

[Kenan Thompson runs away]

John Cena: We have a great show for you tonight. Maren Morris is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Santa & The Elves

Santa Claus… Bobby Moynihan

Elves… Kenan Thompson, Venessa Bayer, Ryan Gosling

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a book “Santa and his Magical Elves”.]

Male voice: With only a fortnight left till Christmas, Santa’s elves were hard at work making toys for children all over the world. Or were they?

[Cut to Santa Claus walking in the workshop]

Santa Claus: Ding dong ding, with a little ding dong. Ho-ho-ho. Time to see how the Christmas toys are coming along. [looks at the table] Oh, what on earth? This chu-chu has no wheels. And this dolly needs a head. Elves, up here.

[The elves appear on the table]

Kenan: Santa, you beckoned us.

Venessa: Is there something we can do for you?

Ryan: It sounded urgent, so we came right away, sir.

Santa Claus: These toys are not complete. These toys are not complete and we are on a tight schedule.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Oh, no! We are so sorry.

Venessa: Oh, we let you down big time.

Ryan: We totally goofed.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: You certainly did. I’m so disappointed.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Yeah. So, I guess you gotta like, show us who’s the boss now. Right? Right, Santa? Like, show us who’s in charge?

Venessa: Yeah, um, otherwise how will we ever learn?

Ryan: Me, I learn through discipline.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Whatever do you mean!

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: I don’t know. Some kind of punishment.

Kenan: It could be bodily, like, something with my body.

Ryan: We have very few limits. Wink wink. Wiggle wiggle.

[Cut to everybody]

Santa Claus: I don’t even know what you silly elves are talking about. I will be back at first day light and I expect this table to be filled with toys, understand?

Venessa: Yes, Santa.

Kenan: Yes sir.

Ryan: You got it.

[Santa Claus leaves the workshop] [The night pass and it’s morning. The roosters are cuckooing.] [Cut to the workshop. The table is empty and the elves are just sitting. Santa Claus walks in.]

Santa Claus: Good morning elves. How are the toys co– What? You haven’t done a thing.

Kenan: I know. [Cut to the elves] We are so bad. I guess it’s time to teach us our lesson.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: What?

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: We deserve it. We’re not fit to lick your boot.

Ryan: But we’ll do it… if you force us to.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Alright. Oh!

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Oh, are you fed up, Santa? Well, I get it. If I were you, I would just pull down my little green pants and go to town on me.

Venessa: Yeah, maybe then we’d stop making mistakes.

Ryan: Speaking of mistakes, [Ryan throws away a bottle on purpose.] I just dropped a gumdrop. Whoops! Better go get it. [Ryan leans showing Santa Claus his butt to hit on.]

Santa Claus: Ooh! You see anything you like, Santa? Maybe you need to take charge of that.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Hmm, you elves are skating on think ice.

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: Oh, yeah. Santa’s getting hot now. Why don’t you unzip your big red suit and walk around in just your boots?

Ryan: Stop around and let your hairy belly bounce all over the place?

Kenan: Yeah, and then there would be no question who would be in charge. Right? Good old Saint dick– Nick! Sorry!

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Can you please just make some toys?

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: Oh, look at what I found, Santa. A candle.

Kenan: Is this to drop wax on our privates with?

Ryan: You better put jingle bells in our mouths… coz we’re screamers!

Venessa: Yeah. And when you’re done, you can snow all over us.

Santa Claus: Okay! Enough! [Cut to everybody] Guys, guys! Enough. Come on, now! Give me a break. 3000 years ago, sure, I would have totally turn into all of you. But look, I am not that guy anymore. And after you wake up in a bunch of weird beds with people you don’t even remember meeting, you start to want something more. And that is when I really became Santa.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Does this mean you’re not gonna do anything?

[Cut to Santa Claus. Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, he’ll do something, but only with me. Right, big guy?

Santa Claus: You heard her. She is the real boss around here.

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: That’s very sweet.

Ryan: Yeah, thanks for sharing that with us.

Kenan: I think I needed to hear that.

[Cut to everyone]

Santa Claus: Now, alright you guys. Finish your toys and then pack up your elf junk. You’re all fired! Take care.

Ryan: Oh man!

Venessa: Oh man! Come on.

[Santa Claus and Aidy walk away] [The End]

Holiday Party with Santa

Jeena… Venessa Bayer

Doug… Ryan Gosling

Aidy Bryant

David… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a holiday party]

Jeena: Thank you so much for inviting Doug and I to your holiday party.

Doug: Christmas is our favorite time of year but since we’re new to the city, we weren’t sure who we were gonna spend it with. You know? I mean, besides Santa.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, welcome to the neighborhood and thank you so much for this Christmas cookies.

[Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Jeena: Uh-uh! Those are for Santa.

[Cut to David]

David: Oh, too bad we’re out of milk. He’s gonna have to settle for bourbon instead. [laughing] [Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Doug: Santa doesn’t drink. He’s got to drive a sleigh.

Jeena: You’re so smart, sweetie.

[Aidy and David are speechless] [Son walks in]

Son: Dad!

David: Hey.

Son: Is Santa coming soon?

David: I’ll tell you what, bud, I’m gonna go up there in couple of minutes and see if he’s ready to come down and talk to the kids.

[Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Jeena: What?

Doug: He’s upstairs? [clears throat] Well, we very much would like to meet him.

[Cut to David and Son]

David: Ah!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Well, anyway, Cindy and I drove up to Yosemite last month.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Oh, gosh, that must have been gorgeous.

[Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Jeena: Um, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Is Santa here? Yes or no?

[Cut to David and Son]

David: Ah, I mean yes, he usually makes an appearance.

[Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Jeena:  He’s here, baby.

Doug: I love you so much.

Jeena: I love you so much and he’s here.

[Cut to everybody. Jeena and Doug start kissing.]

Yeah, you mean Santa baby.

Doug: I love you.

[Jeena and Doug start getting intimate]

Aidy: Okay!

[Aidy takes their son away] [Doug walks to David]

Doug: David, now I know you don’t know us very well. We’re just new to this neighborhood. But I promise you we won’t let you down on this. Okay? You can trust us on this.

David: I don’t know what you think is going on here tonight. But, you’re not gonna meet the real Santa.

[Doug looks at Jeena. She is shaking her head no.]

Jeena: No.

Doug: No.

[Jeena slowly lies on the sofa]

Doug: Can’t do that, David. I cannot in good conscience pass on a opportunity to thank that beautiful man for bringing me presents every Christmas until my parents left at a very young age.

[Cut to Jeena. She is now putting her legs over the sofa looking all comfortable.]

Jeena: I wanna meed Rudolf.

[Cut to David]

David: Rudolf isn’t here, Jeena.

[Doug bangs the table with a Christmas umbrella] [Everybody is looking at Doug]

Doug: Then how the [bleep] did Santa get here, David?

David: Guys, just relax.

Doug: David, use your head. I don’t know why you’re doing what you’re doing, David. Do you think that me and my baby aren’t good enough to meet Santa? Is that what you think David?

David: No. No. I don’t. You’re good enough.

Doug: Here’s what we’re gonna do. Everybody’s gonna stay where they are and we’re gonna go upstairs and you’re gonna get that beautiful ancient man and you’re gonna bring him down, okay?

David: I don’t understand what you want me to do.

Doug: [yelling] Go get Santa!

David: Okay! Okay!

Jeena: I’m meeting Santa, baby!

Doug: Whoo!

Jeena: I love you. I love you so much baby.

[Jeena and Doug start getting intimate again] [Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Well, happy holidays everybody. I have to go, beat the traffic.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Wow, wow, wow, wow. Sit down. Sit down. Why is everybody so tense? It’s a party. Right? Baby, give me some music.

Jeena: Okay, baby.

[music playing] [Jeena and Doug start dancing on the table] [everybody is looking at Jeena and Doug]

Doug: What happened?

Jeena: I’m scared.

Doug: [whispering] I’m scared too.

[Cut to David walking down the stairs dressed up as Santa.]

David: Ho-ho-ho.

Doug: It is you!

[Doug hugs Santa.]

You look good, bud. You lost weight.

Jeena: Baby, I wanna sit on Santa’s lap.

Doug: Get me a chair!

[Jeena puts a chair before David]

Have a seat buddy.

[David sits down. Jeena sits on David’s lap erotically.]

You tell him what you want for Christmas baby.

Jeena: Okay. [Jeena whispers on David’s ear] Cuisinart.

[Cut to David crying out of fear]

Doug: I want a picture, you guys. Smile.

David: Okay.

[Cut to real Santa peeking from the window. He runs away.]

Doug: Merry Christmas Santa.

David: [low voice] Merry Christmas.

Doug: Say it like you mean it.

[The End]