Jake… Bowen Yang
Dylan… Harry Styles
Cecily Strong
[Starts with video clip of Sara Lee building]
Dylan: You called me in?
[Cut to the office]
Jake: Hi there, Dylan, have a seat.
Cecily: Dillan, I was just telling Santino—
Jake: Oh, it’s Jake.
[Cut to Cecily and Jake]
Cecily: Okay, I’m sorry. I was telling him about your work managing the company Instagram here at Sara Lee.
[Cut to Dylan]
Dylan: Yeah. And I love representing the brand. People love bread content.
[Cut to Cecily and Jake]
Jake: Yeah, that’s a actually why we brought you in today. Since we flagged some activity on the account that has been a little off message.
[Cut to Dylan]
Dylan: Oh. I don’t think so.
[Cut to Cecily and Jake]
Cecily: Well, for example, why did Sara Lee comment on this picture [Cut to the Instagram picture of Nick Jonas] of Nick Jonas saying, “Wreck me daddy”? And then comment a month later again with “Destroy me king.”
[Cut to Dylan]
Dylan: Oh, I see what happened. I’ve been mixing up the Sara Lee Instagram with my personal Instagram account?
[Cut to Cecily and Jake]
Cecily: Mm-hmm, we figured. And Sara Lee has also been obsessed with this random guy with only 200 followers.
Jake: For him, Sara Lee commented [Cut to Instagram picture of a random guy] with a few egg plants, water drops, a train and a ghost emoji.
[Cut to everybody]
Cecily: And that’s a reference to—
[Cut to Dylan]
Dylan: Getting railed to death. Yes.
[Cut to Cecily and Jake]
Jake: See, the worst part is this guy didn’t even like Sara Lee’s comment. And that’s really bad for the brand.
[Cut to Dylan]
Dylan: I didn’t notice.
[Cut to Cecily and Jake]
Cecily: Well, I think you did. Because three hours later [Cut to Instagram picture of a random guy] Sara Lee commented, “Shy no response?”
Jake: Again, really bad for the brand.
Cecily: If Nick Jonas won’t like Sara Lee’s comment, fine. But some random fashion twink?
[Cut to Dylan]
Dylan: Yeah. Sara Lee’s feelings were hurt by that. It’s okay though.
[Cut to Cecily and Jake]
Cecily: Well, the other component to this is you’ve been captioning the company’s images with your own voice too.
[Cut to everybody]
Jake: Here’s this one.
Cecily: So you should have written something like, [Cut to Cecily and Jake] “Sara Lee fact. Our Texas toast is part of delicious grilled cheese.”
Jake: But what Sara Lee actually captioned was, “Feeling really depressed after threesome. What was supposed to be a fantasy ended up more rejection. Must get rid of Toxic in community.”
[Cut to everybody]
Cecily: And were there typos in that?
[Cut to Dylan]
Dylan: I don’t think so. But Sara Lee wrote that at 4 in the morning while he was still on Poppers High.
[Cut to everybody]
Cecily: And was that also the case for this photo of our cheesecake?
Jake: How about you read this one.
Dylan: “A little moody after being used. Why do guys freak out when I ask them to spit in my mouth? Need a real king that can handle. It’s 8 am and I have to go to hell job Sara Lee. Little in my head after another threesome.
[Cut to everybody]
Jake: We think it would be healthy if Sara Lee stopped having threesomes.
[Cut to Dylan]
Dylan: I know. It’s okay though.
[Cut to Cecily and Jake]
Cecily: You keep telling us it’s okay, but it really, really isn’t.
Jake: Yeah, Dillan, I’m very disappointed. I passed down the Instagram to you because I thought it would be in good hands.
Cecily: Well, now that explains these posts from before Dylan started working here.
Jake: Oh! Oh, yes, I did write this, “Security downstairs stopped letting people into harness party at Sara Lee office. We have to do better. Must get rid of Toxic in the community.”
Cecily: Wow. Well, you’ve both done severe damage to Sara Lee’s image. So, this is your first warning.
[Cut to Dylan]
Dylan: Thank you. Full honesty, today Sara Lee DM’d Shawn Mendes saying “Check out my special holiday promotion.”
[Cut to Cecily and Jake]
Cecily: And what was that promotion?
[Cut to Dylan]
Dylan: A picture of my open throat.
[Cut to Cecily and Jake]
Cecily: Okay, second warning.