Sarah Silverman Monologue

Sarah Silverman

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [The band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Silverman.

[Sarah Silverman walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Sarah Silverman: Wow! Thank you so much. Wow, it is so crazy to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I mean, is it really crazy? Everybody always says it’s so crazy to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I’m a pretty big comedian, kind of makes all the sense in the world.

Tonight is the end of the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. [slight claps from the audience.] And, um– Thank you. [audience laughing] And I just want to take this opportunity to say to all the Hasidic Jews out there, I promise you, god will not mind if you wear a nice cotton blend in this summer. You are being ridiculous.

Anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, I guess I’m knows as a bit of blue comedian which is– I find that annoying. It kind of bothers me. I don’t think of myself that way. I think of myself more as an important comedian. Anyway, because of this, they had to censor a lot of my jokes after dress rehearsal. Like, um, here’s what’s left of my favorite joke. Can we get a shot of Walley?

[Cut to Walley carrying the cue card. All the script is censored except ‘Black guy’ and ‘God’s mouth’.]

It’s all that’s left.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Guys, it was such a cute joke. It was totally innocuous. I saw Lorne laughing really hard at it during dress, like almost too hard at it. Screw it. Can I just, um– Is there like a hand held mic? Can I just– Oh! Thank you.

[Sarah Silverman walks down the stage to the audience]

Let’s get real. Come on. This is live television. [cheers and applause] Let’s go among the people.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman with the audience]

Who are you? Can I sit on your lap?

[Sarah Silverman sits on a random woman’s lap]

Oh! This feels nice.

What is your name?

Lindsay: It’s Lindsay.

Sarah Silverman: Lindsay? Um, I’m Sarah. I guess you know that. Lindsay, I wanna tell you something, it’s really important. You’re beautiful. And you deserve love. And I hope that you are as kind to yourself as you are to any shmo on the street. And I love you.

Lindsay: Thank you.

Sarah Silverman: Your turn. [audience laughing] [Lindsay is laughing]

Lindsay: You’re amazing. And you’re beautiful. And you’re smart.

Sarah Silverman: Keep going. Be creative.  [audience laughing]

Lindsay: You’re my favorite.

Sarah Silverman: You know what it is, Lindsay? It’s like, I get sad sometimes. I feel like, it’s over– in terms of like, we’re never gonna get carried again. You know what I mean? We’re grown ups. We’re not gonna, you know, fall asleep at our parent’s party and overhear adults going like, [whispering] “I got her. No, I’ll take her.” It’s never gonna happen again. And it makes me sad. It’s just like, I wanna be carried. I wanna be bathed and cared for. I wanna get my hair shampooed. You know, like a little child, or a princess, or a quadriplegic I guess. [audience laughing] Very similar lifestyles, very different circumstances. Am I sitting on your phone?

[Sarah Silverman looks at Lindsay’s lap]

Lindsay: No, you’re good.

Sarah Silverman: Oh! [audience laughing] I wanna think of an app. Wouldn’t it be great to think of that million dollar app? Let’s think of that million dollar app. God! I was thinking like an hour ago. It’s like, “Wouldn’t it be great if you had an app that told you and all your friends were making a duty.” And I was pretty excited about it. I would pay 99 cents for that. But then, somebody told me that they have that. I think it’s called ‘Words With Friends’. How old are you?

Lindsay: 32.

Sarah Silverman: You are? Oh, you’re 32. You’re only little. You don’t know nothing. Here’s some advice. If you’re ever drunk at a party and you throw up at a party, I feel like you can save the moment if you can muster like a, “Tadaa!” [audience laughing]

Alright, I guess I should go back to the stage. You keep this. [Sarah Silverman gives her the mic and walks to the stage] You can have that.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, god! This feels so right. I mean, it’s live. I could stay here. I love this stage. I mean this is the first time I’ve hosted but I have been on this stage before. I was like a featured performer on this show in the 90s. I wasn’t in much, but I– A lot of times it’d mostly be like, a plant in the audience asking fake questions to the host during the monologue. And, um– Oh! Yes, you have a question.

[Cut to old clip of Sarah Silverman when she was young in SNL show in the audience]

The girl: I think you’re great. I love you.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Oh! [audience laughing] I love you more. You have a question for me cutie?

[Cut to the girl]

The girl: Are you gonna be doing a solo albums now that you’ve left Wilson Phillips?

[audience laughing] [Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Great question. You know, I left Wilson Phillips because I felt like it wasn’t really my thing anymore and I’m not sure about a solo album. Though, the album of my stand up special “We Are Miracles” is out now. [cheers and applause] Oh, yes you! [pointing at the audience] [Cut to another old clip of Sarah Silverman when she was young in SNL show in the audience]

The girl: Yeah, what did you feed the dinosaurs?

[audience laughing] [Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Uh, what is this? Pretty girl in the audience night? This is crazy. Of course, the stegosaurus is a herbivorous. So, they eat mostly plants but the T-rexes are carnivorous. They’d be more inclined to eat you because you’re delicious. [audience laughing] Let’s take a– yes! You, sparkled face over here.

[Cut to another old clip of Sarah Silverman when she was young in SNL show in the audience]

The girl: Yeah, um, what makes the human knee bend?

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Okay, um, well the knee is technically a joint where the tibia in the femur meat, right? And the bending of the joint is aided by two menisci. I hope that helped and I hope you stay this curious and strong for the next 20 years. [audience laughing] I’m feeling that you will. And maybe someday you’ll even get to say, “We have got a great show for you tonight. All of Maroon 5 is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]