Black Jeopardy Drake

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Amir… Jay Pharoah

Kaylee… Sasheer Zamata

Jared… Drake

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Male voice: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to Darnell in his set]

Darnell: What up? What up? What up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only jeopardy that shares a studio with Tavin Smiley. I’m your host, Darnell Hayes. And our contestants  today are Amir…

[Cut to Amir.]

Amir: What up, bro, bro?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Kaylee…

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Hi.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: And Jared…

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Yeah, it’s actually really good to be her dog. You know, like I couldn’t take the TTC. What man’s made it over anyway, so I’m excited dog.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: What’s going on with your accent there, Jared?

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh me? Well, I’m actually Canadian. I’m a Canadian. I’m from Toronto. But I’m ready. I came, I came to play. So let’s do this. All right.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Wait, you’re a black Canadian?

Jared: Obviously, dog. I mean like, yo, there’s thousands of us. I’m sure you’ve met a few of us before.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: [laughing] Nope. Never met one. Well, good luck to you. All right, let’s check out categories. We got [Cut to game screen] “If it’s Sunday”, “Oh, snap!”, “Bye Felicia!”, “Bruh…”, “In my house”, and as always, “White people”. Alright Amir, you’re all returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay. Let’s do “If it’s Sunday” for 200.

Darnell: All right. “If it’s Sunday, uncle Trey is going to be wearing this.”

[buzzer sound]

Amir.

Amir: What is this? A knee length easter suit

Darnell: Yeah. That’s it. Yeah. Long as hell. Long as hell, with a whole mess of buttons. Alright. Your pick, Amir.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, okay, okay. Let’s go to “Oh snap!” for 200.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap! Is that your hair?”

[buzzers sound]

Kaylee?

Kaylee: What is, “It’s mine cause I bought it!”

Darnell: Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. Show them the receipt, you know. Alright. The board is yours, Keely.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Okay, let’s stay with, “Oh snap!” for 400.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap. I want to see his face when she finds him.”

[buzzer sound]

Amir.

Amir: Oh, who is Jay Z?

Darnell: Yeah. Right. I guess he got a hundred problems now. You pick, Amir.

Amir: Okay. [Cut to Amir] Cool, cool, cool. Let’s say with “Oh snap!” for 600.

Darnell: Okay. “Oh snap! This comedian was crazy in the 80s with his raw and delirious routines.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh, he’s hilarious. Dog. Who is Rick Maraniss?

Darnell: No! But, that’s a good try, Jared. Why don’t you try picking another category?

Jared: Alright the. Let’s go to “Bro” for 200.

Darnell: It’s “Bruh”. All right. The answer. “Bruh… He thought the best way to get that fame was to be a woman.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

Jared: Who is Caitlin Jenner?

Darnell: No. Have some respect for choice.

[buzzer sound]

Kaylee.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Who is Tyler Perry?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: That’s it. I mean he did like eight movies in a house coat. Alright, the board is your’s, Kaylee.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Let’s stay with “Bruh…” for 400.

Darnell: Alright. “Bruh… He’s been playing for a while now, but he’s still putting up big numbers.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: This is easy. Who’s my man? Jaromir Yawger yo!

[Cut to Darnell]

You say Yama say what now?

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Come on, dog! He’s a hockey player. The man won the Art Ross trophy four years in a row, fam.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: J-J-Jared! I don’t know you speaking English, but it ain’t my English. The actual answer was dirt. The biscuit.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Come on, Darnell. Black people live all over the world. Gee. You can’t just put us all into one category like…

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Hey, maybe. So Jared, I’m going to go ahead and let you tell that to our American police. Let’s just hear about today. Francis Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeopardy video bumper]

Male Voice: Thanks Darnell. Today’s black jeopardy winner will receive a month supply of topFoil. Your tupperware bowls don’t have lids? Put some top topfoil on. Stays secure for up to one day. And Oven Heat. Don’t drive up your electric bill. Use oven heat! The easy way to heat your home. Back to you, Darnell.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Yeah. Yeah. Use that oven heat. Alright, Jared. The board is still your’s.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh! Let’s go to “Oh snap!” for eight.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap. His new album just dropped and it’s fire.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

Jared: I got this. Who is OFA?

Darnell: Excuse me?

Jared:  Come on, fam! He’s a rapper. He was nominated for a Juno award, G.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: You know it’s like it landed here on earth from a spaceship. No, good rap comes from Canada. Okay? What about Drake? Dog! Who are these people you keep mentioning? Jared, I think Canada is messing up with your blackness.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Why do I have to be your definition of black? Huh? You’re judging me before you even know? It’s making me so angry inside dog!

[right answer bell ringing]

Darnell: You just said the secret black phrase of the day, Jared! You win the game. Alright. [music playing] Oh! Well the sound of slow jam means it’s time to wrap it up. Tune in next week where we give away two tickets to the Sister-Sister reunion show.

[The End]

Weekend Update Sasheer Zamata On Use Of N Word

Colin Jost

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Larry Wilmore hosted the White House Correspondence dinner last Saturday. He ended his speech by calling the president the N word which got a lot of people talking. Here to comment is our very own Sasheer Zamata.

[Sasheer Zamata slides in]

Sasheer Zamata: Hey. Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Sasheer. So, what do you think about what Larry Wilmore said?

Sasheer Zamata: Well, here’s the thing. There were more white people upset than black people. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] And the white people are the reason why that word is bad. FOX News had white people condemning it who definitely say it off camera. I’m amazed this is the first time someone called him the N word on TV. People have called the president the N word online for years. Just look at the comment sections of videos of him playing basketball, or pardoning a turkey, or a cat video. Besides, you can make any word terrible. If the word McGriddle was linked to slavery, we’d feel differently about that too. And I don’t want to be the reason why the people are mad at us this week. So instead of saying the N word, I’ll use ‘McGriddle’.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, McGriddle? Don’t take that word away from me. Can I still say McGrida?

Sasheer Zamata: [yelling] No! Maybe, if you really want to.

Colin Jost: Thank you.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Sasheer Zamata: Now, I got called McGriddle once in my life, thankfully. I was walking down the street with a friend and this dirty pickup truck comes barreling down the road. And this man yells, “Y’all McGriddles need to get on a boat and take your black asses back to McDonald’s.”

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, McDonald’s is Africa?

Sasheer Zamata: Yeah.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

I’m trying to make this analogy work. He had a confederate flag, vanity plate, truck nuts and a very red face. And I was like– He had all the things. It’s like he walked into a store and said, “I need to look as racist as I feel.” But he was old school racist. And at least he was upfront about it. That’s how I like my racists. Easily identifiable. These days people won’t publicly say the McG word but they’ll say thinly veiled words like thug, or ghetto, or athletic. I don’t know for– [pointing at the audience] Some people really liked that. [laughing] I don’t know if we’re ever gonna agree on the use of that word. I do know that word has a lot of history behind it. And if we ignore it, it feels like we’re ignoring the history.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata and Colin Jost]

And I don’t like to ignore history.

Colin Jost: And so then, can we say it? Or…

Sasheer Zamata: It’s up to you, nigga!

Colin Jost: Back to you, Michael.

Sasheer Zamata: [laughing] Don’t be mad, it’s my birthday.

Colin Jost: Happy birthday. Sasheer Zamata, everyone.