Jackie… Heidi Gardner
Matt… Sterling K. Brown
Randy… Mikey Day
Pete Davidson[Cut to a video of jungle myst. The caption reads “It came from the woods.”] [Cut to five people enjoying campfire in Chauncey State Park at 11:43 PM.]
Melissa: Hey, Jackie. You’re gonna sneak into Matt’s tent again tonight and get down?
Jackie: Shut up. We didn’t have like, full on sex.
Matt: We made love over the clothes.[Jackie looks at Matt angrily] [there’s some animal sound coming from the bushes.]
Randy: You guys hear that? [Everybody stands. Randy walks near the bushes.] Hello?[Something walks out of the bushes]
Jackie: Matt, what the hell is that?
Matt: Randy, freeze. I think that’s a Sasquatch.
Pete: Yo! That’s Bigfoot. Yo, I gotta get a selfie.
Matt: No! Everybody stay absolutely still. I watch a lot of monkey man on Discovery. Apes feel threatened by sudden movements.[The Sasquatch is near Randy]
Randy: [doing hand gestures] Me. Friend. Me nice. No hurt. Friends. Friends. Friends. Me, you, the same.[Sasquatch punches Randy]
Oh! What the hell! Matt!
Matt: Don’t freak out.[Sasquatch is putting his fingers in Randy’s mouth.]
Randy: Matt? Matt? He wants to put his fingers in my mouth, Matt!
Matt: Bro, just let him do it. He is establishing dominance.
Randy: Oh, they smell like dried poo. Am I gonna get sick?
Jackie: Let him, Randy. God!
Randy: Matt! Get the shotgun out of your car!
Matt: Buckshot will barely leave a mark on this thing. [calling the Sasquatch] Hey! [moves near the fire] Fire! Huh? Hot. Warm.[Sasquatch walks to the fire]
Randy: Fire.[Sasquatch burns himself, runs backward and beats Randy.]
Matt: Oh, damn!
Randy: No! [yelling] No! Me strong. No, me strong. Me alpha. [Sasquatch and Randy growl at each other] You go. [Randy pushes Sasquatch and it leaves.] Yes, that’s right. [to his friends] What you think about that, Matt? King Kong ain’t got nothing.[Sasquatch runs in and hits Randy. Randy falls down.]
Oh, Matt![Sasquatch pulls Randy up]
Matt: Just go with him, Randy. You challenged him. So he is shaming you now.
Randy: Matt! He is making me hold his part.
Matt: Primates do this. I think it’s very common, maybe. He’s showing how non threatening you are.[Sasquatch takes Randy’s hat and pees on it.]
Randy: Oh! He’s peeing on my hat, Matt!
Matt: He’s marking you. The process has begun.[Pete is taking pictures of Sasquatch and Randy]
Randy: Don’t post that.[Sasquatch gestures for Randy to put the hat back on.]
Put it on? Oh!
Matt: Oh, bro. That’s not good.[Sasquatch pulls Randy towards the fire.]
Randy: What are you doing? Matt? Matt?
Matt: Just let him do it, Randy.[Sasquatch makes Randy sit near the fire. He is placing his butt on Randy’s shoulders.]
Randy: What is this?
Randy: Wiping his ass on my hat.
Matt: It will be over before you know it, bro.
Pete: Randy, catch!
Randy: [pointing the bat to the Sasquatch] Batter up![Sasquatch punches Randy again. It takes the baseball bat and starts hitting Randy with it. Randy runs into the tent.]
Matt, he has the bat.[Sasquatch runs to the tend and start hitting it from the outside. It pulls the whole tent into the bushes.]
Jackie: Oh, no. Randy. He is–[Randy jumps in]
Randy: Right here. I slipped out the back-flap of the tent. He may have a big foot, but I have a big brain.[Sasquatch runs in near Randy again]
Matt?[Sasquatch punches Randy into the sky.]