Dyke… Kate McKinnon
Fats… Aidy Bryant
Chief… John Cena
[Starts with Detective TV show schedule]
Male voice: You’re watching Detective TV. At nine PM, it’s ‘Keith: Black Detective’. But first, it’s a brand new holiday special with your favorite crime fighting duo.
[Cut to a video clip of Santa walking]
Narrator: What happens when Santa is kidnapped by one of Chicago’s most notorious gangs? Is Christmas canceled? Not with these two on the case. [Cut to two women officers running with guns in their hands.] They are hard as iron. They are rough as guts. And if you’ve been naughty, they won’t be nice.
[women officers catch lab guys throwing the Christmas garlands. It’s Dyke & Fats, Save Christmas. Starring Dutch Plain as officer Les Dykawitz. And Velvy O’Malley as officer Chubbina Fatzarelli. [Dyke finds a bomb. Fats takes it and eats it. The bomb blasts inside Fats’s stomach but nothing happens to her.] They are getting Santa back by any means necessary. Even if they have to kick every butt in town. It’s Dyke and Fats: Save Christmas.
[Dyke and Fats rescued the Santa]
[Cut to the police station]
Chief: Yeah, you two did it again. Rescued Santa Clause, saved Christmas.
Fats: I guess we did a pretty good job, Dyke.
Dyke: Hey, I think you mean great job, Fats.
Chief: Yeah, she’s right. Thank you, officer Dykawitz and Farzarelli.
Fats: Oh, Chief, thanks for using our names.
Dyke: Yeah, that shows a lot of respect.
Chief: Of course I respect you. You’re two damn fine cops for Broads.
Fats: [yelling] Wait, what?
Dyke: [yelling] Back to the women thing?
Fats: We’re back to that?
Dyke: No, we’re past that.
Fats: [screaming] Now! Now! We’re past it!
[The End]