Tag: Scandal

Weekend Update: Biden’s Classified Document Scandal, George Santos’ Lies

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

George Santos is facing multiple investigations for lying about nearly every aspect of his life, to make himself appear far more successful than he is, earning him the nickname Instagram. Of all of George Sanders’s lies, my favorite was that he was a standout volleyball player for Baruch College. Now, that is a fine thing to be, but an insane thing to pretend to be. Like that’s his fantasy? It’s like asking a kid what do they want to be when they grow up and they’re like, “I don’t know assistant manager at Kohl’s.”

[Picture changes to George Santos with two dogs.]

George Santos seen here with two people he listed as professional references, was described by fashion expert as being able to get away with his lies for so long because he was well dressed. This guy is well dressed? He looks like he’s trying to steal clothes by putting them on over what he wore into the store. And not to be a bitch, but can we talk about this look? I mean a blazer over a half zip? Girl not in my yacht party.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

Michael Che: A drag queen who claims she performed with George Santos said that George did not have the glamour to be a professional. But she said another drag queen and Congress is absolutely slaying as the character Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden.]

Earlier today, earlier today the FBI searched President Biden’s Delaware home and found six additional Obama era classified documents. Worse, one of them was Obama’s real birth certificate. It was hidden in a copy of blacktail magazine.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Joe Biden and Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: The Biden classified documents scandal and the Trump classified documents scandal are very different, but they do share one big thing in common. They both make Hillary Clinton want to blow her god damn brains out. It would have been so funny if they searched Biden’s garage and he had Hillary server.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis.]

Michael Che: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has proposed a new policy permanently banning mask mandates and vaccine requirements saying when the world lost its mind, Florida was a refuge of sanity. Then everyone in the crowd took a hit at nitrous and bitter cop.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump responded to reports that Ron DeSantis will run against him for the republican nomination saying “We’ll handle this the way I handle things.” So rough and without consent?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There.s a picture of US Capitol.]

Colin Jost: The US government hit its debt limit on Thursday and the country now risks defaulting on its bills. And look, we’ve all been there. You know? You spend too much because life’s too short and the bill comes due, the bank won’t loan your money anymore. Then you have no choice you have to buckle down, face the music and blow up your Staten Island Ferry for insurance money.

Weekend Update- Pineapple on the Paul Pierce Scandal

Michael Che

Pineapple…Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Paul Pierce was fired from his job as an analyst or ESPN after filming a wild party on Instagram live where he was surrounded by strippers. Here with more on that story is one of the strippers, Pineapple.

[Pineapple slides in]

Pineapple: Yeah. Hey! What’s going on? Hey, boo. I would prefer my full name Pineapple Penelope Peters, please.

Michael Che: Okay, Pineapple Penelope Peters. So, tell us what happened?

Pineapple: Okay, well, Big Che Mike, that is your name, right? Big Che Mike.

Michael Che: Sure.

Pineapple: Well, I want to know why Paul Pierce got fired for throwing one of the biggest parties of the year. Is it against ESPN policy to love big asses?

Michael Che: I mean, they’re owned by Disney. So, yeah, it kind of is.

Pineapple: Listen, everybody. Paul Pierce is a saint. He gave us, strippers, jobs during a very tough time. Ain’t nobody looking out for us, exotic dances in this pandemic. I haven’t danced at the Golden Cobra in months. I even did a few Zoom, but they didn’t work. You know how hard it is to clap your ass in front the camera while somebody yell, “Ay, you muted!”

Michael Che: I’m sorry to hear that. But didn’t you have a point about Paul Pierce.

Pineapple: Oh, yes. $Michael Che0.

Michael Che: Seriously?

Pineapple: Can a fish walk? Get me my money.

Michael Che: Alright. Luckily, I keep stripper money here. [gives $Michael Che0 to Pineapple] Here you go.

Pineapple: Thank you. Okay, now. I just want to tell everybody three reasons why Paul Pierce should not have been fired. Can I have the desk?

Michael Che: Of course. Please.

Pineapple: Thank you.

[music stars playing. Pineapple puts her leg up on the desk and starts shaking her butt.]

Michael Che: Hey! Hey! What are you doing? We’re on TV.

Pineapple: But you said I could have the desk.

Michael Che: I mean just to talk to the people.

Pineapple: Oh, I’m sorry. Stripper brain. Okay. Reason number one. He got us all 4-for-4s from Wendy’s and you know I love my frosty. I put my little fries. You know. Reason number two, we didn’t have to pick up our money off the floor. He had a maid come in and sweep it up off the floor for us and put it in garbage bags. You know, classy. Reason number three, not only did he give us unlimited tequila shots, but he gave us all vaccine shots as well boo. I got the one and done.

Michael Che: Ah! You got the Johnson&Johnson?

Pineapple: No. I got that Jackson and Jackson. See, Tido and Lataya, they got their own line of vaccines going on.

Michael Che: That is not a vaccine, Pineapple.

Pineapple: [looking at Michael Che] Oh, wait a minute. Boy, you look familiar.

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Pineapple: Don’t act like you don’t know. I’ve been to your apartment before. I did that pole split on your cow-printed rug. I was the one saying, “Mooo!”

Michael Che: No. Pineapple, everybody.

Weekend Update- Matt Gaetz Venmo Sex Scandal

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Well, our favorite Florida congressman, Matt Gaetz is back in the news but this time it’s good. I’m kidding. It’s still the sex stuff. Matt Gaetz who looks like all the dudes from American Pie combined reportedly sent $900 on Venmo to an alleged sex trafficker who then forwarded that same exact amount to three young women in payments labelled ‘tuition and school’ which if true would make him the only congressman actually helping with student loans. But at least Gaetz is taking the allegations seriously. That’s why yesterday he spoke at ‘Women for America First’ summit which was a nice change to see women pay for an hour with Matt Gaetz. My favorite moment was when Gaetz pointed out how much support he’s getting from other politicians.

[Cut to video clip of Matt Gaetz speech]

Matt Gaetz: This past week has been full of encouragement. From President Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Jim Jordan–

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no. Did he think those were good character references? Who was next on his list? The ghost of Jeffery Epstein?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching a child get into a stranger’s van, denounced corporations opposing Georgia’s new voting law saying that they should “Stay out of politics”. Coincidentally, stay out of politics is also Georgia’s new rule for black people.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Former president Donald Trump also releases the statement urging his followers to boycott Coca Cola which is surprising because I would have guess Don Jr. would have problem with coke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden has announced executive actions to curve gun violence including new regulations against gun kits that you can buy online an assemble at home. Remember how frustrated and angry you get assembling a dresser? Now, imagine at the end of that, you had a gun. Also, I got to say. It’s weird seeing a guy who’s basically doing a Clint Eastwood impression be pro gun control. I mean look at him. [picture changes to a poster of Gran Torino with the face of Joe Biden] You can put him into Gran Torino and no one would know the difference.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of CDC logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CDC is facing criticism for it’s mixed messaging regarding coronavirus. You know what? I have to agree with this because all year, the CDC has been texting me saying I was eligible for the vaccine, but every time I click the link, it was just a picture of this guy. [Picture changes to a naked black man] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Gavin Newsom at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: California governor Gavin Newsom who asked his barber for the American Psycho [picture of Christian Bale from American Psycho appears], he has announced a complete reopening plan that critics were saying is just a distraction from the governor’s many scandals. It’s a move that has other governors asking, “Did it work?”