Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of George Santos.]
George Santos is facing multiple investigations for lying about nearly every aspect of his life, to make himself appear far more successful than he is, earning him the nickname Instagram. Of all of George Sanders’s lies, my favorite was that he was a standout volleyball player for Baruch College. Now, that is a fine thing to be, but an insane thing to pretend to be. Like that’s his fantasy? It’s like asking a kid what do they want to be when they grow up and they’re like, “I don’t know assistant manager at Kohl’s.”[Picture changes to George Santos with two dogs.]
George Santos seen here with two people he listed as professional references, was described by fashion expert as being able to get away with his lies for so long because he was well dressed. This guy is well dressed? He looks like he’s trying to steal clothes by putting them on over what he wore into the store. And not to be a bitch, but can we talk about this look? I mean a blazer over a half zip? Girl not in my yacht party.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of George Santos.]
Michael Che: A drag queen who claims she performed with George Santos said that George did not have the glamour to be a professional. But she said another drag queen and Congress is absolutely slaying as the character Marjorie Taylor Greene.[Picture changes to Joe Biden.]
Earlier today, earlier today the FBI searched President Biden’s Delaware home and found six additional Obama era classified documents. Worse, one of them was Obama’s real birth certificate. It was hidden in a copy of blacktail magazine.[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Joe Biden and Donald Trump.]
Colin Jost: The Biden classified documents scandal and the Trump classified documents scandal are very different, but they do share one big thing in common. They both make Hillary Clinton want to blow her god damn brains out. It would have been so funny if they searched Biden’s garage and he had Hillary server.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis.]
Michael Che: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has proposed a new policy permanently banning mask mandates and vaccine requirements saying when the world lost its mind, Florida was a refuge of sanity. Then everyone in the crowd took a hit at nitrous and bitter cop.[Picture changes to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump responded to reports that Ron DeSantis will run against him for the republican nomination saying “We’ll handle this the way I handle things.” So rough and without consent?[Cut to Colin Jost. There.s a picture of US Capitol.]
Colin Jost: The US government hit its debt limit on Thursday and the country now risks defaulting on its bills. And look, we’ve all been there. You know? You spend too much because life’s too short and the bill comes due, the bank won’t loan your money anymore. Then you have no choice you have to buckle down, face the music and blow up your Staten Island Ferry for insurance money.