Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Harold Bornstein… Martin Short

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Host… Heidi Gardner

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Omarosa Manigault… Leslie Jones

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johansson

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

Stormy Daniels

[Starts with a video message “The following is based on real events.”] [Cut to Michael Cohen walking around a telephone booth. He is wearing a suit. He picks up the phone and dials the number. The phone is connecting.] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [answering the phone] Hello, it’s Donald Trump. Who this?

Michael Cohen: It’s Michael Cohen. God, I miss you so much.

Donald Trump: Oh, hey. What’s up, amigo? How you holding up in prison?

Michael Cohen: I’m not in prison.

Donald Trump: Oh, well. Give it a couple of weeks.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, we’re in big trouble. I think they know about our allusion-K and obstruction of justice, J.

Donald Trump: Sorry. I don’t speak Spanish.Wait, are you on a secure line?

Michael Cohen: Absolutely. I dialed *Mike PenceMelania Trump before the numbers. So, it’s completely untraceable.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.] [Cut back to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Listen, Trump. I don’t know what to do. You keep changing your story on Stormy Daniels payment.

Donald Trump: Look. Let’s get Rudy Giuliani on the phone. He’ll fix this. He’s got the sharpest legal mind since my cousin Vinny.

Michael Cohen: Um, okay. But, just to be safe let me call you back with one of my burner phones.

Donald Trump: Wait, you kept the burner phones? That’s not good.

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone, and dials the number on his burner phone.] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein.]

Harold Bornstein: [Harold Bornstein answering the phone] Yes, hello. This is Dr. Harold Bornstein. Would you like to know any of my patient’s medical history?

Michael Cohen: Dammit! I tried to dial Trump Donald but I dialed Trump doctor.

Harold Bornstein: Is this you, Michael Cohen? Michael, I’m glad you called. Someone broke into my office and stole my file. I guess you could say I was [yelling] raped!

Michael Cohen: I don’t think you could say that.

Harold Bornstein: Well, I already did. [yelling] Raped!

Michael Cohen: Alright. Can we talk about this later?

Harold Bornstein: No. I’m busy later. [giggling] No, I’m kidding. I have zero commitment personally and professionally. But if you ever want to do drugs, I can get you all the drugs.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.] [Cut to Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein]

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll call you back, Harold. Goodbye.

Harold Bornstein: Okay. I’ll just be sitting here in my office where I live. [yelling] Bye!

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone and dials another number.] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: [answering the phone] Hello.

Michael Cohen: Rudy? Is that you?

Rudy Giuliani: Yes. That’s right. It’s me, Rudy. Rudy Giuliani. Trump’s lawyer and his worst nightmare.

Michael Cohen: Rudy, can we speak freely? Are you alone?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani in the set of an interview at FOX News. The host is sitting right next to him.]

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Yeah. I’m pretty much alone. [to Sarah Huckabee Sanders] This is a commercial break, right toots?

Host: No.

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Yeah, we’re, good to talk. Good to talk.

Michael Cohen: Alright. Let in loop in Mr. Trump. [Rudy Giuliani presses buttons] Alright, is everyone on?

[Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Yes.

Rudy Giuliani: Yes.

[The FBI Agents are nodding their heads yes.]

Michael Cohen: Guys, can we please just decide on one lie and stick to it? Coz our stories are all over the place.

Donald Trump: Guys, hold that thought. I’m getting a call from work. [Donald Trump presses a button.] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Mr. President, I have lost all credibility. Did you lie to me about the Stormy Daniels affair?

Donald Trump: Yeah. That sounds like something I would do.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good. Just as long as we’re on the same page. I’m good to go. See you on Monday.

[Donald Trump presses a button.] [Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Okay, I’m back.

Rudy Giuliani: Guys, guys, can we hurry this up? I’m supposed to do 25 more talk show appearances today and I’m trying to make it like an advert calendar where I reveal one new crime in each show.

[phone ringing]

Michael Cohen: Oh, I’m getting another call. Hang on.

[Michael Cohen answers the phone] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Hello, Michael. It’s Melania.

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey, Melania. I was just talking to Donald about–

Melania Trump: Yeah, yeah. Listen, I have completely hypothetical question for a friend of mine, okay? If your husband is accused of crime, would she have to testify against him?

Michael Cohen: No.

Melania Trump: But could she? If she wants to?

Michael Cohen: I guess she could.

Melania Trump: Oh, my friend will be so happy. Thank you Michael.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone. He is looking at all the phones and is confused.]

Michael Cohen: Wait, which phone was Mr. Trump on? [looks at one phone and speaks on it] Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Omarosa Manigault]

Omarosa Manigault: Yeah. This is Omarosa an I’m still pissed off.

Michael Cohen: No!

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]


[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Hi there, stranger. What’s your name?

Michael Cohen: Mike Pence?

Mike Pence: Who is this? I was told this was a party line with no questions asked?

Michael Cohen: Ah! I gotta call you back.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]


[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are standing together. Ivanka is on the phone.]

Ivanka Trump: Yes, this is Ivanka and Jared. [cheers and applause]

Jared Kushner: [squeaky voice] Hi, hi. Hello.

Ivanka Trump: Michael, did we hear Giuliani called Jared disposable on national television? Coz, Jared is furious.

Jared Kushner: [yelling] Yeah, man! Like, what the hell? I’m so mad right now. You didn’t even want to see me. I mean, I could cut a bitch! Don’t ever try to cover me. [making noise]

Michael Cohen: Listen. Ivanka, you know your dad would do anything to protect you. But if he needs to, he’d throw Jared under the bus in a heartbeat.

Jared Kushner: What did he say?

Ivanka Trump: He said you’re fine.

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll talk to you later.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Mr. Trump?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Where the hell were you Michael? I don’t have time to wait on hold. I was supposed to be meeting with my new chief strategist, Kanye West.

Michael Cohen: What do you want me to do?

Donald Trump: Call up Stormy Daniels and fix this once and for all. Maybe keep me on the phone too. I’ll just be quiet and listen.

[Michael Cohen presses buttons] [Cut to Stormy Daniels answering the phone]

Stormy Daniels: Hello.

[Cut to split screen with Stormy Daniels, Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: Stormy, this is Michael Cohen. Are you alone?

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Donald Trump: And what are you wearing?

Stormy Daniels: Excuse me?

[Michael Cohen is pissed off that Donald Trump spoke]

Donald Trump: Okay, Michael. I can take it from here.

Michael Cohen: Okay. But as your attorney, I highly advice against you–

[Donald Trump cuts Michael Cohen from the line] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels.]

Donald Trump: So, wad up, girl?

Stormy Daniels: Hello, Donald.

Donald Trump: Come on, Stormy. Stop making such a big deal about this. Everyone knows it’s just an act.

Stormy Daniels: I work in adult films. We’re really not known for our acting.

Donald Trump: Just tell me what do you need for this to all go away?

Stormy Daniels: A resignation.

Donald Trump: Yeah, right. Being president is like doing porn. Once you do it, it’s hard to do anything else. Besides, my poll numbers are finally up. And speaking of polls being up–

Stormy Daniels: Donald?

Donald Trump: Oh, come on. We’ll always have shark week. I solved North and South Korea. But can I solve us?

Stormy Daniels: Sorry, Donald. It’s too late for that. I know you don’t believe in climate change but a storm’s coming, baby.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’ve never been so scared and so horny at the same time.

Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Zoo Pornographer

Janet Lorado Deekman…Cecily Strong

Alan Overbrook… Bobby Moynihan

Donna Hemming… Scarlett Johansson

Danny Bangs… Mikey Day

Devon… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Good morning, good people, good news. It’s “Good day, Denver.”

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman and Alan Overbrook in their set]

Janet Lorado Deekman: It’s 7 AM in Denver on this beautiful sunny day. I’m Janet Lorado Deekman along side Alan “fun tie” Overbrook. [making fun of Alan Overbrook’s yellow tie]

Alan Overbrook: What? Ha-ha-ha. This country is a mess. I thought I would help brighten things up with a fun tie.

Janet Lorado Deekman: Yeah, bright is right! Where are my ray-bans?

Alan Overbrook:  Come on!

Janet Lorado Deekman: Lots going on this morning? But first, let’s check in with our field reporter, Donna Heming who is at the Denver zoo with Danny Bangs. Ah! Cool job alert. Professional animal pornographer.

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: Janet, Alan, it is a real zoo here. And for once I’m not talking about the i-25. Danny bangs has been photographing animals at the zoo for over 10 years. Now, Danny, how in the heck do you get an animal to smile for a photo?

Danny Bangs: Well, I find “say cheese” just makes them hungry.

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman]

Janet Lorado Deekman: I’m sorry to interrupt. I have been told I misspoke and referred to Mr. Bangs as an animal pornographer instead of photographer. So, I’m very sorry. And I want to make it very clear that our guest is an animal photographer. Donna?

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: I got you, Janet. Now, Danny, what is the secret to getting that perfect shot?

Danny Bangs: Well, the key is to make the animals feel comfortable. [The subtitle still has Danny Bangs as animal pornographer] I’ll do anything with them to get the shot I’ll play, be silly, even bribe them with treats.

Donna Hemming: Now what if an animal is in a bad mood? I imagine the lions are divas. Ha-ha.

Danny Bangs: Well, no matter the mood, I love my job. When I get the call, no matter what animal it is, I always come right away. And if an animal is agitated, I find I still capture very real organic moments because there’s beauty in an animal’s raw natural state.

[Cut to Alan Overbrook]

Alan Overbrook: I’m sorry, Donna. Just jumping in real quick to let viewers know that our graphic is incorrect, our guest is an animal photographer. We are going to get that fixed. Why don’t you guys wake up back there? Ha-ha-ha. Back to you, Donna.

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: Thanks. oh, I see a lot of tweets coming in from the good day Denver live tweeters. You’ve got some fans, Danny.

Danny Bangs: Ooh!

Donna Hemming: @kareninaspen says, “Watching on mute at the gym. What the f is happening?” I guess she can’t believe you have such a cool job. How did you get started?

Danny Bangs: Well, I started with amateur stuff and I would put it online. And National Geographic saw my work, gave me a job and from there, I found my new home here at the Denver Denver Zoo.

Donna Hemming: Wow! We have more tweets here. @zoodarkweb asked, “This dude have any horse stuff?”

Danny Bangs: Sure do. And it’s in all my new book, “The Picture’s a Little Fuzzy: my decade at the Denver Zoo.” It’s very easy to navigate. I did the animals alphabetical. So I started on an Aardvark and finished on a Zebra. Very easy.

Donna Hemming: Well, I encourage everyone to buy the book. Now, a beautiful celebration of a decade’s work. Now, what is it like to work with these cute little baby animals?

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman and Alan Overbrook]

Alan Overbrook: [interrupting] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let’s not talk about baby animals, Donna.

Janet Lorado Deekman: Yeah. Let’s keep the interview about adult consenting animals and can we please fix the graphics?

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: Well, okay. This book is filled with amazing snaps, but surely there must have been some misfires.

Danny Bangs: Oh, of course. Once I took about 1,000 pictures of this funny little monkey and I blew it. I got home. I realized there was no film in the camera.

Donna Hemming: Ha-ha-ha.

Danny Bangs: Is it okay if I plug my website?

Donna Hemming: Yes, of course. We thought you might want to.

Danny Bangs: Yes, it’s dannybangsanimals.com. Visit it. We just got flagged.

[Devon walks in]

Devon: Pardon me?

Danny Bangs: Oh, Devon, hi. This is Devon. He works at the zoo. He’s a great guy.

Devon: Yeah, don’t touch me.

Danny Bangs: I’m sorry.

Devon: I have been asked to read a statement from the Denver zoo. The Denver zoo does not condone animal pornography in any form. Furthermore, Danny Bangs will no longer have access to animals at the zoo while we investigate the extent of his crimes.

Danny Bangs: Devon, what is this about?

Devon: You know what it’s about, you monster.

[Devon walks out]

Donna Hemming: Well, it certainly is getting wild down here at the Denver zoo. Back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman and Alan Overbrook]

Janet Lorado Deekman: All right. We have to take a quick break. When we return, the white house round-up and more details on the emerging Danny Bangs scandal at the Denver zoo.


Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Helen… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a presentation]

Kyle: Good morning. Inotech Research is pleased to welcome you to what we believe will be a very exciting preservation.

Alex: Well, it better be. This project is, what? $18 million over budget?

Mikey: Um, yes, but thanks to your patience as well as your investment, we are thrilled to announce near completion on the X5 prototype.

Cecily: Near completion? So, what exactly are we going to see here?

Helen: Well, if all goes well, exactly what we promised. Using EEG censoring and brain interfacing, we will do what has never been done, scan the household pet’s mind to translate his thoughts into words. Now, the subject today will be my own dog, Max. [There’s a god with a helmet on that has few wires] Looks like he’s ready.

Alex: Then, let’s see it.

Helen: Okay, Max, here we go.

Mikey: EEG signal, 100%. Vitals are normal. Okay, we have mind link.

Helen: Okay, Max, this is it. Max, speak.

Max: [gibberish]

Alex: Brilliant.

Helen: Hang on. It worked.  I swear, just boost the signal. Max, speak.

Max: Hi, I’m Max. It’s me, Max.

Alex: Oh, my god.

Max: I like to play ball. I like purple bird in the window.

Helen: I think he means the pigeon. He’s never spoken this much before. Max, what else do you like?

Max: I like park, and leash, and I like Trump. He’s my man.

Helen: What?

Cecily: What did you dog just say?

Helen: Um, it must be a translation error, some kind of glitch.

Max: There’s no glitch. Donald Trump is our president. He carried the electoral college fair and square.

Mikey: Um, this can’t be right. did you know your dog likes Trump?

Helen: He doesn’t.

Max: I absolutely do. I know Trump has issues, but one big change is better than business as usual.

Kyle: Okay, Max, no. You drop that right now. You don’t like Trump.

Max: The Dow is up 2700 points since he was elected. What’s not to like?

Cecily: Your dog is a monster.

Helen: No, he’s not. Let me talk to him. Max, I’m sorry, but you’re just a dog. You don’t know what you’re talking about

Max: Excuse me, Helen, but yes, I do. [Max is trying to pull the helmet out] Stinking helmet, I can’t believe you put this on me. It’s just that condescending attitude that made people want to vote for Trump in the first place. [Max successfully puts the helmet out]

Helen: Get over here, Max.

[Helen puts the helmet on Max again] This is crazy, okay? I can’t believe you’re saying this. You were supposed to be my best friend.

Max: And as you friend, I don’t want to see your tax dollars going to health care for illegals.

Alex: Your dog is a jackass.

Helen: What? No. Hang on. Max, listen. Trump is bad. Trump is racist.

Max: What do you know about black people? You never brought one into our house once.

Cecily: Really?

Helen: No, Max, that is not true.

Max: It is absolutely true, Helen. Plus, Trump is the only one that isn’t owned by Wall Street.

Helen: Oh my god, are you insane? My head’s going to explode. What bout his record on women’s right? Don’t you want me to have a choice over my own body?

Max: You didn’t afford me a choice when you cut off my balls.

Helen: Oh! Max! You don’t know anything. You’re just a dog. You’re just a dog and you pee on the floor.

Max: And you masturbate out of boredom. What the hell does that have to do with what we’re talking about right now?

Kyle: Whoa!

Helen: Max!

Max: You just assume that because I’m a Trump supporter that I’m a xenophobic racist.

Helen: No, I don’t. Your best friend at the dog park is a chihuahua.

Max: So?

Helen: That means, he’s Mexican and Trump wants to kick them out of the country.

Max: If Akito was born here, he has nothing to worry about. This is a nation of laws.

Cecily: Alright, stand back. I’m gonna shoot him with the gun I carry.

Alex: Don’t miss.

Max: No, for god’s sake, I can’t even have a conversation without you liberal snowflakes–

Helen: [pulling out the helmet] No! Enough! Enough! Shut up, Max. Just shut your dumb mouth.

[turning the machine off]

Mikey: Um, that concludes the demonstration. Obviously we have some more work to dy.

Alex: Obviously.

Cecily: Yeah, this whole project is on thin ice. That dog is a problem.

[Alex and Cecily leaves]

Helen: It’s okay, Max. I love you no matter what. We just have to learn to respect each other’s point of view, I guess. Now, let’s go for a walk. Okay?  Put your hat on, it’s cold. There you go. It’s a good thing you’re cute, you little dumbass!

[Helen carries Max and walks away]

Shud the Mermaid

Harrison Beckett… Mikey Day

Titacles… Beck Bennett

Oceana… Cecily Strong

Aquaticana… Sasheer Zamata

Shud… Kate McKinnon

Conk… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a book ‘True Tales From The Sea’ opening]

Male voice: True Tales From The Sea. From U.S. fighter pilot Harrison Beckett, 1944.

Harrison Beckett narrating: My plane was shot down over the pacific. I fell into the sea, and surrendered to death. Yet, I awoke on the shore of a small deserted island, all alone, or so I thought.

[Cut to Harrison Beckett in the deserted island]

Harrison Beckett: Hello? Is anyone there?

[Titacles appears behind the stones. He has long white hair and beard and a tail of a fish.]

Titacles: No one of your kind. I am Titacles and I rule over this cove. I saved you from a watery grave and therefore I command you to marry one of my daughters. The playful Oceana.

[Oceana appears behind the stones. She is beautiful.]

Oceana: Hello, young sailor. So brave. So handsome. [laughing]

Titacles: The adventurous Aquaticana.

[Aquaticana appears behind the stones. She is also beautiful.]

Aquaticana: Oh, I have never seen a human man. They’re splendid.

Titacles: And the other one, Shud.

[Shut crawls up. she is ugly.]

Shut: Hey, man. What’s crapping?

Titacles: The choice is yours.

[Titacles swims away]

Shut: Why are you staring at me? Do I remind you of anyone?

Harrison Beckett: Um, yes. Popeye, if he melted.

Shut: Hmm. I know I look different from my sisters. While they are half maiden, half marlin, I am 15% maiden and 85% blob fish, which means, I’m mostly gelatin.

Harrison Beckett: Okay. Okay. I mean, how could I choose? Two-thirds of you are so beautiful.

Oceana: If you choose me, we’ll spend out days frolicking in the grotto. What fun!

Aquaticana: Choose me, and together we’ll explore the wonders of the sea.

Shut: Hey! Hey! Choose me and you’ll be spending a lot of time with this chick.

[Conk crawls up.]

Conk: What’s up?

Shut: This is my BFF Conk, fellow dweller of the deep.

Conk: I’m 8% woman and 92% angler fish. Yep, I’m from way down deep where all the freaks hang out, hence the reading light growing out of my head.

Shut: Conk knows how to party now. If you want company in the bedroom, Conk is very much down to clown.

Conk: Oh, yeah. Three way, two way me watching, two way her watching three of us going solo, all watching. Any combo, I’ve done, and do again.

Shut: Here is a little preview.

[Shut is licking the light on Conk’s head]

Harrison Beckett: Oh, god!

Shut: Hell, yeah.

Conk: Oh, yeah, that’s hot.

Shut: When it’s hot enough, say when.

Harrison Beckett: When? When? When? When? Please don’t do that ever again. Anyway, [turning towards Oceana and Aquaticana] I never imagined I would one day marry a mermaid.

Oceana: Oh, life with a mermaid is quite enchanting. We sing the most beautiful melodies.

[Oceana and Aquaticana singing melodies]

Shut: [singing badly] The Simpsons
[humming ‘The Simpsons’ theme song.]

Oceana: If you were to choose me, I will never tire of hearing tales of life on land.

Aquaticana: If I am your choice, my love for you will grow with each sun rise.

Shut: Yeah, true talk, I’m really just in thsi for the babies. I’ve got about 5 million eggs that need fertilization, yesterday.

Harrison Beckett: Okay.

Shut: Quick blob fish mating FYI, oh, my female gonads are where my mouth is which is also my butt, but we’ll make it work.

Harrison Beckett: No, please don’t.

Conk: A little angler fish info, during mating the male attaches to the female and then dies. You down for that?

Harrison Beckett: I am not.

Shut: Well, just know this. I am an old fashioned kind of girl. When my my man comes home, I like to have dinner rady for him. In fact, you look a little hungry right now. Do you like sea bass?

Harrison Beckett: No, thank you.

[Shut eats the sea bass herself and spits some on Harrison Beckett]

Argh! it got in my mouth.

Shut: Eat up before it gets warm.

Harrison Beckett: No, thank you. I don’t want it.

[airplane sound]

Oh, that sound. Oh, it’s a rescue plane. I’m saved! I’m sorry ladies, but I have a life back on land.

Oceana and Aquaticana: Aww!

[Oceana and Aquaticana swim away]

Shut: Listen, man. Could I just get one kiss for the road?

Harrison Beckett: Yes, Shud. But on the cheek because your mouth is also your butt.

[Harrison Beckett stand to kiss Shut]

Shut: [grabbing Harrison Beckett by his waist] Oh, grab him, Conk.

Conk: Alright, Shud.

[Shut and Conk pull Harrison Beckett down into the water]

Shut: Sorry, girls. Gotta be aggressive nowadays. Okay.

Shut and Conk: [singing] The Simpsons

Shanice Goodwin Ninja-Rivals

Shanice Goodwin… Leslie Jones

Vanessa Bayer

Dominica… Scarlett Johansson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a picture of a little girl]

Shanice narrating: First they said, “You’re too small.” [Picture changes to grown up Shanice Goodwin] Then they said, “You’re too big.” They said, “You will namer make it.” But I didn’t listen to them because I knew one day I would become a ninja.

[Cut to video clips of Shanice dressed as ninja playing with her sword, ‘Shanice Goodwin Ninja’ intro]

Male voice: The adventures of Shanice Goodwin, Ninja.

Shanice: I’m also a cashier at KOHL’s.

[Cut to Vanessa and Shanice in the ninja training center. Shanice is wearing black ninja costume.]

Vanessa: Shanice, sensei has been kidnapped. This is your most dangerous mission yet. I brought in someone I think will remember.

[Dominica walks in wearing white ninja costume]

Dominica: Shanice, well, well, we meet again.

Shanice: Dominica. I thought I had banished you from Charlotte and the greater area of Charlotte.

Dominica: You did. But he was my sensei too. He hand-picked me from the orphanage when I was five years old.

Shanice: And I’ve been a ninja since I was 45. Alright then, let’s put aside our differences and do this.

Vanessa: Great! Their hideout is rumored to be a theater prop storage facility on the west wide of town. Good luck, you two.

[Shanice and Dominica leave] [Cut to British mob hideout. There are the mobs who have tied Sensei.]

Beck: So? Your people will send the money?

Sensei: I told you, I do not yield to threats. I know some very dangerous people. Let me go now and no harm will come to you.

Beck: No harm will come to us? He said to us! [laughing] [Shanice and Dominica are inside the hideout]

Dominica: Shh, follow me. We are shadows.

[Shanice nods her head and follows Dominica]

Sensei: Oh, yes. I sense a presence.

Beck: You’re bluffing. There’s no one here. Look!

[Shanice and Dominica are hiding behind them. Shanice is even eating some chips.

How can anyone be in this room? No one can get in.

Kenan: Oh, yes. At least ten armed guards are stationed at every entrance.

[Dominica throws a shuriken on Kenan’s eye] [screaming] Ah!

Mikey: No! What happened?

[Shanice slowly goes to Mikey and cuts off his hand]

Shanice: Damn, that’s nasty.

Beck: Someone is here.

Sensei: I tried to warn you. But now it’s too late. My student Dominica is a professional assassin. To her, killing is like breathing. And my student Shanice has trained at my YMCA every other week for last three years.

Beck: Find them. Now.

Kyle and Mikey: Yes, sir!

[Kyle and Mikey are looking around. Shanice and Dominica and just behind them.]

Mikey: There’s no one here, sir.

[Dominica pulls Mikey and rips his heart out]

Kyle: Who did that? Show yourself!

[Shanice comes behind Kyle and breaks his neck]

Beck: Is this how you fight? Huh? You hide? Like cowards? Let me see your eyes.

[Dominica comes behind Beck]

Dominica: With pleasure. My eyes will be the last thin you see.

Shanice: And my ears will be the last thing you– you hear.. Damn!

Dominica: You don’t need to talk every time.

Beck: Guards! Attack!

[Beck runs]

Shanice: Quick, the chair.

[The guards come in running. Dominica sits on a chair and Shanice pushes the chair. Dominica hits everyone who comes in front of her.] [Beck runs in with a knife to fight Dominica]

Dominica: A man should use his fists so that he dies with respect.

[gun shot. Beck is shot.]

Shanice: Oh, my bad. was we supposed to only do ninja stuff? Oh, okay. That’s on me.

[Dominica opens ropes tying Sensei]

Dominica: Are you alright, Sensei?

Sensei: Thank you both. You are my top students.

Shanice: Yeah, but I’m the best, right?

Dominica: No, we all know who si the best.

Sensei: I guess there is only one way to settle this.

Shanice: Ha-ha-ha. You think so? Put em’ up.

Dominica: Alright, you like a challenge. Yes?

Shanice: Hah! Dominica, you was always that bitch. Let’s go.

[as Shanice and Dominica fight, the video pauses and ends.]

Scarlett Johansson 5th Monologue

Scarlett Johansson

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.

[Scarlett Johansson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Scarlett Johansson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be back here at SNL. You know, the last time I hosted was in twentyfifteen when the most upsetting thing in the news was that ‘Mad Men’ was ending. But now, this is my 5th time hosting SNL. [cheers and applause] And Kenan was nice enough to make a highlight real with the best moments from my first four shows. So, let’s take a look.

[Cut to short video clips from past Scarlett Johansson features in SNL. But the clips have the dialogs only from Kenan Thompson and very less appearance from Scarlett Johansson.] [Cut to Scarlett Johansson]

Okay. That was more about Kenan than me. But, um, anyways, this is a huge milestone in my life. SNL feels like a home to me now. Which–

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Scar-jo. Hey, what’s up? [Kate McKinnon kisses Scarlett Johansson on cheeks few times]

Scarlett Johansson: Oh, K-Mc. I haven’t seen you in a while.

Kate McKinnon: I know. Well, I was actually at the Oscars with you, remember?

Scarlett Johansson: I didn’t see you there. I’m sorry.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, well, it was my first time there. And apparently there are tiers and you’re in a tier that I think is higher because I tried to get your attention at one point and I was tased.

Scarlett Johansson: Oh, what? Did you go to any of the Afterparties?

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. I sure did. I sure did. Which one did you go to?

Scarlett Johansson: I went to Vanity Fair.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, cool, cool. That sounds fun. Yeah, I went to the Purina Dog Chow meet and greet. It was cool. It was an extremely cash bar. But– But I got to rub shoulders with the likes of Harvey Levin from TMZ and the house slipper guy who held a gun to his wife’s head.

Scarlett Johansson: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. You know, Kate and I just did a movie together called ‘The Rough Night’. [cheers and applause] The trailer debuted last week. So, let’s just take a look at it.

[Cut to a video clip of Kenan Thompson’s Fat Albert movie.]

Kenan: Hey, hey, hey! It’s Fat Albert.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson and Kate McKinnon]

Scarlett Johansson: Okay, we have to stop letting Kenan handle the clips. You know, he has been here the longest and he never lets us forget it.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, that’s right, Catherine. [Kenan Thompson gives Kate McKinnon a huge bag] Um, light on the starch. Let’s see if you can get it right this time. [Kate McKinnon walks out with the bag] And Scarlett, how did the clip package go over?

Scarlett Johansson: They were just clips of you.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, so it went well. Good. Good to hear. And in honor of your 5th time hosting, we have a very special 5-timer’s jacket just for you.

[Kate McKinnon walks in and puts the 5-timer’s jacket on Scarlett Johansson]

Scarlett Johansson: Ooh! Thank you. Thank you, guys. It means a lot to me.

Kenan Thompson: You are very welcome. And you’re always welcome here any time. Now let us sing the sacred and solemn 5-timer’s song that has been sung since the show began.

[music playing]

Kate McKinnon and Kenan Thompson: [singing] Five
five times
five times hosting

All: Five
five times
five times hosting

Scarlett Johansson: Wait, wait, is this the song from the Subway commercial?

Kenan Thompson: I am not realizing that it is.

Scarlett Johansson: We have a great show. Lorde is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Olive Garden

Director… Beck Bennett

Scarlett Johansson

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Director briefing the ad shooting to the actors.]

Director: Okay, my lovely featured background. We are about ready to go for a take. And all you guys have seen Olive Garden ads. So, you know the deal. Fun, casual. We really want to give viewers the vibe that you’re excited to be here.

Scarlett: I actually love Olive Garden so I won’t even have to act at all.

Director: Hah! That’s what I like to hear. Okay, so I’ll call our direction from the monitor and let’s see if we can capture some magic. Alright? Here we go. And action.

[music playing.] [actors are having fun]

Okay, that looks great. We’re chatting. We’re charring. Hey, sweater guy, check out the restaurant.

[Kenan starts looking around and act like he’s noticing everything and he likes it.]

This place is nice. Even more impressed.

[Kenan starts to act a bit more impressed]

Am I in a palace?

[Kenan starts acting shocked]

Yes. Okay. Now, blonde hair. Why don’t you find something you want on the menu?

[Scarlett starts looking at the menu]

And you nod and smile.

[Scarlett is nodding and smiling]

Alright, bigger nod.

[Scarlett starts nodding more]

This all looks yummy. Really go for it, blonde hair.

[Scarlett starts to smile and nod her head very wildly]

Big old smile. Amazing, love that. Now, blue shirt. Someone just said something funny. Big laugh.

[Mikey starts laughing]

And even funnier.

[Mikey starts blinking his eyes more]

You’re about to pee yourself.

[Mikey starts to shake his head and blink his eyes whilst looking downwards]

I’m peeing. I’m peeing. Fantastic! Great! Great! Great! Okay, now, yellow top. You’re looking at the menu and you really want that Chicken Ciao Bella.

[Leslie looks at menu is awed]

Oh, you want it really bad.

[Leslie starts shaking the menu]

You’re looking at that pasta going, “Oh, Lordy, I must be in heaven.”

[Leslie is confused and looks at Director]

Okay, let’s call that cut.

[Director walks in] Wow, fantastic work, guys. I think we got it.

Scarlett: Are you sure those reactions weren’t too big?

Mikey: Yeah, I felt like I looked a little stupid maybe.

Leslie: And I didn’t like that voice you did.

Director: I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about, but as far as reactions go, you guys have seen Olive Garden ads. People act like they have never seen a restaurant or eaten food before. And then the yoyos at home think Olive Garden is a magical place. It’s advertising. Trust me, you’re killing it. Okay? Now, we just need to get some alts for different markets this ad will air in. Alright? Here we go. And action.

[music playing] [actors are having fun]

Okay, let’s start by laughing, we’re laughing. We’re having fun. Good! Now, for the small towns, blue shirt, give blonde hair a little kiss on the cheek.

[Mikey kisses Scarlett on her cheek]

Great, great, great. And for the urban market, can I get a sweater guy giving yellow top a smooch?

[Kenan hugs Leslie]

And for one neighborhood in Atlanta, let me see yellow top plant one on blond hair.

[Scarlett and Leslie are confused] [Leslie kisses Scarlett on her cheek]

And lips, please.

[Scarlett and Leslie are uncomfortable. But they take a peck on each other’s lips.] [shouting] “Oh, child! what has gotten into me?” Great! Okay, now I just want to get some options. Stuff they might want. So, let’s get some pasta, please. Thank you very much.

[The waiters bring in the pasta]

Alright, here comes the pasta. Pasta, pasta, pasta. So, sweater guy, you ordered that shrimp terrigiorno and it smells amazing.

[Kenan acting like he’s smelling the shrimp]

Great. Yes, yes. Got that. We got that. Now just go ahead and put your face right in the pasta bowl.

Kenan: Really? I mean, would Olive Garden even use that in the ad?

Director: Just looking for options. So, plop that face in there.

[Kenan puts his pace in the pasta bowl]

Great! Yes. Yes, sweater guy, this is really good. Okay, blue shirt and blonde hair, imagine there is a waitress there and you’re listening to her. So, let’s look up and nod.

[Scarlett and Mikey look at the same direction and nod]

She’s a little taller than that. So, bring that eye line up a bit.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking a bit higher]

And even taller.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking higher]

And, oh, my god, this woman’s an Amazon.

[Scarlett and Mikey act like they’re shocked]

Perfect. Just like that. And just so we have it, give me one where the waitress is two feet tall.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking down]

There she is. There she is. Perfect. And she’s leaving and you’re both trying not to laugh.

Scarlett: Oh, I wouldn’t laugh at a little person.

Director: But Olive Garden customers would.

[Scarlett and Mikey act like they’re holding their laugh]

Nailed it. There it is.

[Kenan still has his face in the pasta]

Kenan: Sir, can I take my face off of pasta now?

Director: Not just yet, sweater guy. I want to make sure we have this. Now, yellow top.

Leslie: I’m not putting my head in no pasta.

Director: Of course not. Just enjoy the taste of the pasta.

[Leslie eats some pasta and enjoys it]

Yes. Yes. That’s great. That’s great. You’re chewing, tasting and you just had a big old orgasm. [Leslie opens her eyes and stares upwards] Amazing. That’s it. Yeah, love those eyes. Love that. Look at those. Great! Yes, that’s great. Now, blonde hair, can I see that from you?

[Scarlett is acting like she’s having an orgasm]

Yes. Yes. Great with the lip. Yes, that’s great. Thanks exactly what I’m looking for. Okay. Blue shirt, you’re up.

[Mikey starts acting like he’s having an orgasm]

Amazing. The Veal Primarini is pushing all your buttons. There it is! And yeah. Great. And now sweater guy, take your face out of the pasta and let’s see that from you as well.

[Kenan makes his orgasm face]

Yeah, you’re really loving it. Yeah. That’s perfect. Now, put your face just back in the bowl of pasta.

Kenan: I really would rather not–

Director: And go.

[Kenan puts his face in the pasta bowl]

Okay, now yellow top, look at sweater guy like, “Lordy, give me the strength.”

[Leslie is pissed off]

And cut! Yes, perfect. Guys, really wonderful. I think I’ve got everything I need. And no promises, but I hear they may use some of you guys in their print campaign too.

[Cut to print campaign pictures of Leslie]


Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a woman walking inside a very fancy party.]

Female voice: Every man knows her name. [men looking at her turning their heads] Every woman knows her face. [Women looking staring at her] When she walks into a room, all eyes are on her. She’s Ivanka. And a woman like her deserves a fragrance all her own. A scent made just for her because she’s beautiful. She’s powerful. Because she’s beautiful. She’s powerful. [as she walks by candles, the candles go off.] She is [showing the bottle of perfume] Complicit.

She’s a woman who knows what she wants. And knows what she’s doing. Complicit.

She doesn’t crave the spotlight, but we see her. [She stand in front of the mirror and puts on lipstick] Oh, how we see her. [Inside the mirror, we see Donald Trump.] Complicit.

A feminist, an advocate, a champion for women. But like, how?

She’s loyal, devoted, but probably should have bounced after the whole ‘Access Hollywood’ bus thing. Oh, well.

Also, I bet when she watches ‘Titanic’, she thinks she’s Rose. Sorry, girl, you’re Billy Zane.

Complicit, the fragrance for the woman who can stop all this but won’t. Also available in a cologne for Jared.

Virgin Flight

Pilot…Taran Killam

Co-pilot… Pete Davidson

Scarlett Johansson

Venessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Jay Pharoah

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane]

Pilot: Um, hey there folks. We’ve reached increasing altitude which means I’ll turn off the seat-belt sign. [Cut to four people in the airplane] Welcome aboard our newest jet, the Virgin Dream Liner. [Cut to the cockpit] The seats are softer. There is more leg room. And it’s big and as spacious as your living room. [laughing]

As a special treat, those in first class will enjoy the services of the airline industry’s first fully automated flight attendants.

[Cut to the first class. The door opens and the automated flight attendants walk in.]

Scarlett: Welcome aboard.

Venessa: Thank you for flying Virgin Atlantic.

Pilot: These bionic ladies can do everything a human crew can do [cut to cockpit] except complain that their feet hurt. [laughing] [Co-pilot shakes his head]

That sounded a little sexist. I certainly did not mean it to. My apologies. Sit back, relax, enjoy the flight.

[Cut to Venessa serving Bobby]

Venessa: Welcome aboard. On your service tablet, you ordered a Sprite. Is that correct?

Bobby: Yeah.

Venessa: I’m having trouble hearing. Can you speak clearly and into my face? My microphone is in my face.

Bobby: [leaning towards Venessa’s face] Yes!

Venessa: Okay. We’re all set. Here’s your Sprite. Happy Halloween.

Bobby: Halloween? It’s May.

Venessa: Good bye!

[Cut to Scarlett serving Aidy]

Scarlett: Hi, on your touch screen under ‘Treat yourself’, you requested one blanket. Would you like me to place one blanket in your hand or in your leg?

Aidy: Um, in my hands please.

Scarlett: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble hearing you. Can you speak clearly and loudly into my face?

Aidy: [standing and leaning towards Scarlett] In my hands.

Scarlett: I’m sorry. One more time.

Aidy: [standing and leaning towards Scarlett] [yelling] Hands, woman! Hands!

Scarlett: Okay, great! Here is your blanket. What will you be for Halloween this year?

Aidy: What?

Scarlett: I’m going as Red riding hood from Into the Woods.

Aidy: Well, it’s not Halloween.

Scarlett: Happy Halloween. Good bye.

[Cut to cockpit]

Pilot: Um, hey there folks. For those of you in first class, you may have noticed that automated flight crew think it’s Halloween. Just a little hiccup in the system. They’re running on last October’s program. Their technology is very advanced but also very new. So, we appreciate your patience.

[Cut to the first class. Scarlett and Venessa are throwing the towels to the passengers.

Scarlett and Venessa: Hot towel. Hot towel. Hot towel. Hot towel.

Venessa: Bien bonito, good bye.

[Cut to the cockpit]

Co-pilot: Um, I think the whole towel thing is happening again.

Pilot: Oh! Hey, there, folks. Sorry for these inconveniences. These girls are a little stubborn much like real women.

Co-pilot: Captain!

Pilot: Yeah, that most definitely was sexist and I truly do apologize. Did not mean it that way at all.

[Cut to Venessa serving Jay]

Venessa: Hello. You ordered 38 boxes of animal crackers. [Jay is shaking his head] Here are your animal crackers.

Jay: Ay, no!

[Venessa starts pouring the boxes on Jay]

I didn’t! I didn’t! I didn’t order no crackers.

[Cut to Bobby using his phone. Scarlett walks to him.]

Scarlett: [takes Bobby’s phone away] Your phone is not on airplane mode. Your phone is not on airplane mode.

Bobby: No, it is. It is.

[Scarlett walks to Aidy]

Scarlett: [picking up Aidy’s purse] Thank you for your trash.

Aidy: Wait! That’s my purse, robot!

[Scarlett walks away] [Venessa walks up to Leslie]

Venessa: Hello, you indicated on your service tablet that you are a child who is flying alone and scared.

Leslie: No, I didn’t. I’m a grown ass woman.

Venessa: How about a Soda-pop as a special treat?

Leslie: No, I’m good.

[Venessa throws a glass at Leslie then starts pouring the soda on her pants.]

Hey! Man!This is Lane Bryant!

Venessa: Adios Amigo! Good bye.

[Cut to Scarlett and Bobby. Scarlett is making sound on Bobby’s ear.]

Bobby: Are you okay? Okay, I think this one’s broken!

[Cut to Pilot]

Pilot: Um, to all the first class passengers, I’d just like to sincerely apologize on behalf of Virgin. It says here that one of our flight attendants is full on broken. [Cut to Pilot and Venessa. Venessa is sitting on Co-pilot’s seat.] And it also looks like the other one has made her way into the cockpit. Not quite sure what she did to my co-pilot. But, um, while I find out, we’re gonna make an emergency landing in Phoenix, get our ducks in a row. Hey, thanks for flying with us. And happy Halloween. [laughing] [The End]

Right Side of the Bed with Scarlett Johansson

Cory Chisholm… Taran Killam

Gracelynn Chisholm… Cecily Strong

Daniela Denyada… Scarlett Johansson

Housy Yern… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with WSB/TV ATLANTA video bumper]

Female voice: You’re watching WSB/TV ATLANTA. Up next, it’s Right Side of the Bed.

[Cut to Right Side of the Bed intro] [Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm in their set]

Cory Chisholm: Good early to mid-morning you guys.

Gracelynn Chisholm: You’re watching Right Side of the Bed. I’m Gracelynn Chisholm and I’m here with my husband Cory Chisholm, better known as the Mirror Hall.

Cory Chisholm: Oh! Someone’s getting shady right off the back. I look in the mirror to practice my sex faces for you.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory! It’s not 6 am, you corny horn dog. Would you chill our?

Cory Chisholm: I can’t help but you’re looking crazy sexy cool today. Come here.

[Cory Chisholm is trying to lick Gracelynn Chisholm]

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, my god! Cory, would you stop! You are knocking my bumping back.

Cory Chisholm: I wanna bump it in your back style.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory! Girl, bye!

Cory Chisholm: Look at you thinking you’re all NeNe Leakes.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Would you stop snapping please. You guys, it’s Kentucky Derby week and coming up a little bit lighter, we are going to learn how to make a Mint julep with a help of a really great guest.

Cory Chisholm: That’s right. She is the owner of Tiny Bites. It’s a full service catering company.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Now all the way from New Jersey, It’s Daniela Denyada.

[Cut to Daniela Denyada. She is standing behind a table to prepare Mint Julep.] [cheers and applause]

Daniela Denyada: Hi. I got all my ingredients out so I could start whenever you’re ready.

Cory Chisholm: Oh, there she is. What a sweetie.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, she’s as cute as a bird.

Daniela Denyada: Thank you, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Okay Daniela, we’ll be right back with you in two and half shakes to get that recipe.

Daniela Denyada: Alright. I’ll stay right here.

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, well. I love that accent. She sounds like a talking pizza.

Cory Chisholm: She does. Oh, and I’m excited to learn a new drink coz I’m so tired of fuzzy navels.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Fuzzy navels? Oh, yeah, right. You shave every thing.

Cory Chisholm: Whaaaat?

Gracelynn Chisholm: Yeah, you look like a woman from the waist down.

Cory Chisholm: Well then I guess you’re a lesbian coz you’re bouncing on it err-night.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory, please! If you’re just joining us, do not go anywhere coz coming up later, we got Daniela Denyada.

[Cut to Daniela Denyada speaking on the phone]

Daniela Denyada: Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

Cory Chisholm: Oh-oh! Looks like we caught her on her cell phone.

Daniela Denyada: Sorry, hang on. I gotta take this call. He only gets one call, alright?

Man: Where are you?

Daniela Denyada: Somewhere in the south.

Man: What are you doing?

Daniela Denyada: That show on TV, you know, the one with the gay guy and his mom?

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm: Whaaaat?

[Cut to Daniela Denyada]

Daniela Denyada: Look, I- I gotta hang up. I love you. Remember that.

Man: Hey, send me 30 pictures.

Daniela Denyada: Later.

[Daniela Denyada hangs up the phone]

Alright, so do I do it now? Or what?

Gracelynn Chisholm: No, not yet Daniela. We’re coming to you real soon there.

Daniela Denyada: Alright, I’ll maintain in this.

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Gracelynn Chisholm: Alright, I can’t wait to taste that cocktail.

Cory Chisholm: Um-hmm. I can only have lil sip coz bourbon makes me frisky.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, Cory! Chillax!

Cory Chisholm: Oh, girlfriend! I’m just like every other testosterone filled man on this planet. We were put here to get that puny.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, my god! After that, I need a drink. And that’s Daniela’s time. She’s coming up.

[Cut to Daniela Denyada]

Daniela Denyada: You ready for me? I already cut the lemons. I’m getting a little agitated here.

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Gracelynn Chisholm: I mean, she’s just as cute as can be.

Cory Chisholm: Um-um, I know. She is as pretty as Rachael Ray was for a short time.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory!

Cory Chisholm: What?

Gracelynn Chisholm: She is gorgeous. You are acting like a tired old ignorant queen.

Cory Chisholm: Well, and you love every inch of it, you stutter bug.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Now, you know what you are. You are like a terrier with a dirty butt. I don’t know whether to give you a bath or give you away.

Cory Chisholm: Oh, I think she’s gonna keep me. [barking] [Daniela Denyada walks in with her cocktails]

Daniela Denyada: I got bored. I made them already alright? Scoot over! Excuse my fingers.

[Daniela Denyada sits on the sofa with Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Cory Chisholm: Um, omg, you guys! This is like my favorite sex dream. Two women at once.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory!

Cory Chisholm: Hey, if anybody wants to go camping, I’m pitching a family size tent over here.

Daniela Denyada: I see no evidence of that.

Cory Chisholm: I’m just saying. You need a camp fire. I got the wood!

Gracelynn Chisholm: Could you stop it! You only know how to go glamping.

Daniela Denyada: Can we drink these already? So I could get back to Marriott? I left my kids in the pool.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Okay, let’s take a break. Take a break! When we get back, more Derby fun with special guest Housy Yern!

[Cut to Housy Yem. He is playing an electric guitar and guitar.]

How about that y’all? [Cut to Cory Chisholm, Gracelynn Chisholm and Daniela Denyada] He changed the words.

Cory Chisholm: Oh-oh! I think I found a sculpted nail in my drink y’all.

Daniela Denyada: That’s mine.

Cory Chisholm: I’m keeping it.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Alright, we’ll be back you guys.

Daniela Denyada: What’s the deal with you two anyway?