Jane… Cecily Strong
Mr. Dod… Owen Wilson
Mr. Dod Yang
Jan… Aidy Bryant
Dog the bounty hunter… Pete Davidson
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor
Scary Gary Loomis… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with an channel show schedule]
Male voice: You’re watching Lucerne County Community Channel Mr. Dod. Next, a still image of YMCA Youth Soccer Schedule for six days. But now, The District 7 School Board Meeting.
[Cut to the school meeting.]
Ego: Motion passes. The name of Robert E. Lee Middle School will be changed to Robert E. Lee Was Bad Middle School. Now, we know there’ve been lots of questions about the school district’s covid safety policy, so we open the floor to the public. Ma’am?
Jane: Hello. My name is Jane Nordling Smythe! I am concerned and I am also crazy. Let’s begin. The Johnson Johnson and Johnson are from cause a Fauci, okay? And the Fauci’s only part of it. But not on T-Mobile because this, all of this, this is about Israel.
Alex: Ma’am. Do you have a question about the school district’s covid policy or your child’s safety?
Jane: I don’t have a child and I don’t live in this town.
Alex: Then you should not be here. Next!
Punkie: So, I’m confused. My son can’t play football because they say vaccine he got wasn’t valid.
Ego: Okay, well, that was probably an error. Which vaccine did he receive?
Punkie: He got Mike’s Hard vaccine.
Ego: Mike’s Hard vaccine? Yes, that’s definitely not on the approved list.
Chris: [yelling at Punkie] I told you, ma! I told you that gal was lying.
Ego: Okay, next!
Heidi: Hi. I’m so mad, I’m literally shaking right now. Forget covid. The real threat is critical race theory being taught in our schools. My question is what is it and why am I mad about it?
Ego: We are taking questions about the covid protocols. Yes, sir. Hello.
Mikey: Hi there. If a child tests positive, is the school authorized to give them Ivertypacatraz? Which I took and cured my covid in basically half a day.
Alex: What exactly is that?
Mikey: It’s a hormone given to elephants in captivity to boost sperm production and it’s very safe. My son took it and had no adverse effects.
[Cut to his son. He is a kid but he has full grown beard.]
Ego: We are not authorized to administer any treatment. Next.
Mr. Dod: Hi there. I’m Mr. Dod. I teach Earth Science at Robert E. Lee… Was Bad Middle School. And look, I know we’re just trying to keep our students safe but I’ve looked into it and I can’t find any proof that separating students by race is gonna stop covid transmission.
Ego: Is that something you’re doing in class?
Mr. Dod: Yes, and I prefer not to. The science just doesn’t back it up. I mean, not to mention I think it’s frankly a little racist.
Alex: [shocked] It’s a lot racist! And it’s also not part of our covid policy.
Mr. Dod: No. I mean, I’ve got the memo right here. [pulls out a paper] It says… Oh! Okay. I see now it says ‘separate by six feet’, not ‘segregate by six feet’. Okay. That’s my bad. Bonehead alert! Well, I’m glad that mystery solved. It’s been a weird two weeks. Thanks guys.
Ego: We are so getting sued over that. Next!
[9 is just warming up at the table. He is an asian man with white dreadlocks.]
Alex: Sir, do you have a question?
9: [in loud voice] Barack Hussein Obama–
Ego: No! We’re not doing that. Next!
Jan: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-Rang! This is not about the covar virus. It’s is about the high school teens who meet in the parking lot near my home to vape and anal each other.
Ego: Ms. Krang, no! Ah-ah-ah! No, Ms. Krang. Good bye. Hi boys.
Kyle: Hi. We’re juniors at mid high school. Our question is, why can’t we game in class?
Ego: Again. We’re hearing covid safety issues only, but you’re at school to learn, not game.
Andrew: [small voice] Bitch!
[Ego is trying to stand, but Alex holds her down]
Mr. Dod: Sorry, it’s me again. I emailed my class. I told them the separating by race was a big misunderstanding and they actually want to keep it. Is that okay? No, right?
Mr. Dod: Okay, got you. And you guys are doing a heck of a job. You really are.
Ego: Yes. And you are not. Wait, are you Dog the bounty hunter?
Dog the bounty hunter: Damn right I am! [smoking a cigarette] As you know, I’ve joined the hunt for Brian Laundrie. So my question to you is, do you know where he is? Because I can’t find this dude anywhere.
Ego: We do not.
Dog the bounty hunter: Are you sure? I got no leads on this guy. Either he’s good or I’m bad. One of the two.
Alex: Yes, we will let you know if we see him.
Dog the bounty hunter: Yea, that would mean the world to me, bro.
Ego: Right. And now, folks, this is about the covid policy at the district schools only. Next.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Hello.
Ego: No! Ah-ah! Because I can already tell what you’re about to do or say will not be on topic. No.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Smart lady!
Alex: Next? Yes, you sir.
Kyle: Yes, hi. I want to know what you are doing to keep my son safe from the lies of Barack Hussein Obama?
Ego: No! No! No more of that! No, what is wrong with you people? Alright, next?
Gary: Oh, it’s just me, Scary Gary Loomis, resident Halloween buff. And I would like to appeal the cancellation of my haunted house in high school gym. It’s only 400 actors dressed as freaky frights, screaming and spitting ooze at the students.
Ego: Gary, that room is unventilated. Appeal denied.
Gary: [angry face] You gonna regret this.
Alex: We won’t. Okay, next.
[three students are there. Two wearing cheer leading dress and one with a guitar]
Melissa: You guys ready?
Chloe: [singing] Science!
Aristotle: [singing] Fear!
Melissa: Which one prevail?
Alex: Sorry! No, I’m sorry. I literally don’t have the energy for whatever this performance is. Anyone else?
[9 comes all hyped up again]
Sir, is this about school district’s covid policy?
[9 nods his head]
9: Hillary Rodham Hussein Clinton!
Alex: No! No!
Ego: I can’t believe we fell for that again. Alright. Any more questions?
[There’s no one at the table]
[Gary sneaks at the back of Ego and Alex and shouts in surprise]
Gary: [yelling] Let me do my haunted house!
[Ego and Alex jump scared]
Ego: No! Meeting adjourned.