High School Graduation

Principal… Alex Moffat

Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Kenan Thompson

Keegan-Michael Key

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Andrew Dismukes

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a student playing violin. She finishes. Everyone claps.]

Principal: Thank you for that wonderful solo, Melissa. Life is indeed a highway. Now, I’d like to ask the class of Chris0ChrisPrincipal to rise as you receive your diplomas and reminder to the families, I’ll be reading a lot of names. So please, hold your applause till the end.

[Principal starts calling names and students start walking to the stage]

Madison Abbott. [light claps]

Quintin Addison. [family shouting for him]

Another reminder, please hold your applause.

Chris: I’m not applauding. I’m yelling.

Punkie: Ay! My baby had a speech prepared.

Principal: I’m sorry. No speeches.

Kenan: Wait, just let him talk as he walks across.

Principal: Sorry, can’t do it. Michael Albright.

[parents yelling]

Keegan: You did it boy. I swear, we didn’t think he was going to make it.

Ego: No. He didn’t read a single book. Should I not say that?

Principal: Like I said–

Ego: [yelling] Michael! Baby. Lift up your robe. I bought him a whole new outfit and he up there dressed like everybody else.

Keegan: Lift up the robe, big man.

Ego: Baby, show them the new belt. I bought him a new belt.

Keegan: It’s Gucci. It’s Gucci. It don’t say it, but it is. My man’s a baller, man. Look at he graduating magnum like his father. Magnum cum louder.

Principal: Please. Let’s move on. Danetta Andrews.

Kenan: Ay, that’s our little cousin.

Punkie: Danetta, you better smile, girl. You did it. Oh, she embarrassed because she ain’t got adult teeth growing yet.

Chris: Go ahead. Smile, girl, It’s your day. Show the world them tic tac teeth.

Kenan: She sad because she got more gums than she got teeth.

Chris: Looking like a race horse, like a little cap and gown sea biscuits.

Principal: Okay. Thank you. Let’s keep going. Simon Alexander.

Ego: Whoo! That’s my little godson.

Keegan: Simon, my man. Ay! Simon. Ay! Do the backflip. Big man, do the backflip. He’s probably going to do the backflip.

Ego: He did. We’d like to call him Simon Biles, because he’s a gymnast.

Keegan: Ay. This boy never stop backflipping. This boy can flip his ass off.

[The student is embarrassed and signals them to shut up.]

Keegan: What? Are you scared? Oh, you want to punk out? Oh, damn, man. See, all that backflipping for what?

Ego: Okay. Simon, you better stop playing with me. He making me look bad. I never for a godson that’s a non-flipping little bitch.

Principal: Please. Please. Okay, can we keep our comments to minimum. We’ve got almost 200 names here. Now, before I read the next name, please remember to keep quiet. Here we go. Leticia Allen.

Kenan: Oh! White girl name Leticia?

Punkie: I did not see that coming.

Chris: Upset of the year.

Principal: Once again. Please no comments. Specially these two families over here.

Ego: Hold on, is he really pointing at us?

Keegan: I know he ain’t pointing at us in this day and age.

Principal: Tiffany Atwood.

Beck: Tiffany!

Aidy: Whoo! You did it. You graduated!

Andrew: We are so going to David Buster’s after this.

Principal: Please. I just asked for silence.

Aidy: Well, sorry sir. She’s a first one in our family to graduate.

Beck: Yeah, we’re going to get a Bentley.

Principal: I highly doubt that.

Aidy: Excuse me, but our daughter got a prestigious internship with PF Chang.

Principal: That’s a restaurant.

Aidy: Well, did you get in?

Principal: I have been there. Yes.

Aidy: Okay, then. So, you know it’s good.

Beck: Ay! You remind me of this guy back home who used to touch kids. What’s his name? Trevor. Hey, is your name Trevor?

Principal: This is not a Q&A sir.

Mikey: Well, if I had known that nobody was going to follow the rules, I would have cheered.

Ego: Sir, go ahead then. You can cheer. Hey principal! Let this man’s child go again.

Principal: No. It doesn’t work that way.

All: Come on! Man!

Principal: Fine. Madison Abbott.

Lauren: Wow!

Mikey: Whoo!

Heidi: Good job, Madison.

Lauren: Nice one, girl.

Keegan: For real? What the hell was that?

Ego: Ya’ll are embarrassing.

Kenan: Boo! We fought for you.

Punkie: Baby, you come live with us.

Chris: That’s right, little white baby, we’ll feed you biscuits and cheer while you eat.

Beck: I think everyone just freaked out because principal’s a kid toucher.

Principal: Okay. No! You know what? I think we’re done. I’m just going to arrange for the rest of the graduates to get their diplomas in the mail. Okay? Thank you

Keegan: I like that man. Keeps things short. That’s good.

Ego: I ain’t even mad. Gives us more time to celebrate.

Beck: Great idea, kid toucher. Now, where do we pick up the Bentley?

National School Walkout

Mr. H… Kenan Thompson

Gerald… John Mulaney

Meghan… Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Lance… Alex Moffat

Principal Anderson… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mr. H talking to a class.]

Mr. H: Alright, class. I know you’re all participating in today’s walkout. I just wanna say, I support you.

Gerald: Thanks, Mr. H. We’re gonna join millions of students who are standing up for what’s right.

Meghan: Gerald, it’s been so cool organizing our school’s protest with you.

Gerald: Yeah. I had a great time with you too, Meghan.

Meghan: Yeah. I think we make a great team.

[Meghan rub’s Gerald’s shoulder.]

Gerald: Oh, no. Don’t make the eye contact and rub the shoulder at once. Okay. [looks down at his pants. He gets a boner.] It’s happening.

Kyle: It’s 12 o’clock. Everybody stand up.

[Everyone stands up.]

Gerald: No, wait. Maybe we shouldn’t stand up right now.

Heidi: You don’t wanna stand up against gun violence?

Gerald: Not at this specific moment. When I’m wearing my shorts.

Meghan: Gerald, what’s wrong? We had a plan [everyone takes seat] Let’s do just like you said. Let’s stand tall and walk out leading with our pelvis.

Gerald: I hate that I was so specific. Okay, new idea. Instead of doing a walkout, how about we do a lie down?

Luke: A lie down? How does that work?

Gerald: Well, to protest, we all face down on the floor and then we writhe around a little until it’s gone.

Mr. H: Kids, I don’t know what ‘s going on with Gerald, but I thought the room would be empty by now. And I timed my e-cig break for the walkout. So, walk out.

[Gerald looks at his pants again]

Gerald: Wait, I think my problem’s going away.

Luke: That’s great man!

[Luke taps on Gerald’s shoulder]

Gerald: And it’s back. And I learned something about myself.

Aidy: I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on with Gerald.

Gerald: Oh, on. What have you got? Like, a side view or something?

Aidy: Gerald thinks that the media has been giving all the coverage to white schools.

Gerald: Oh, yes. I like this. Yes.

Aidy: Ignoring the people of color who face violence at higher incidents.

Gerald: Yes, they do face that. Keep talking. This is good. This is good.

Aidy: Great! Then, Gerald, you lead this dialog on race. Stand up without holding books or jackets in front of you and you march straight down to Thurgood Marshall Public High and you say, “Fellas, I know this thing is hard and upsetting and it’s pretty darn crooked, but if we roll up our sleeves, we can beat it together.”

Gerald: [shaking his head] I’m gonna pass.

Kate: Listen, friends. I know I’m just a foreign exchange student but Sweden, we have no guns, no shootings and no sunlight. We sit year around in total darkness eating fish that is rotten on purpose. So, America should just become like Sweden. And ice covered nation of 1,200 people and one giant.

Meghan: Anyway, come on, guys. If we don’t band together, what’s next? Training teachers to use firearms?

Mr. H: Okay. I’ll get right on that. In addition to teaching history, gym and then driving you all home on the bus, I’m spread so thin, I’ve had to teach myself to micro nap. [Mr. H takes a micro nap, snoring, wakes up in few seconds.] Seat belts!

[Heidi stands]

Heidi: [acting very furious] Isn’t anyone worried that this walkout could go us in trouble? This could go on my permanent record.  I won’t get into an Ivy League school. My mother will disown me because I’m not my perfect sister who died. [smiling and talking calmly] And that’s the monologue I’m using to audition for the theater program at Connecticut College in New London.

[Everybody clapping]

Gerald: Look, guys, I support the walkout. Just not today.

Pete: Yeah, I gotta agree. Nobody told me this was happening in 4-20. And frankly, I’m double booked.

Lance: I know why Gerald’s sitting. Coz he’s not a snowflake.

Gerald: Oh, no, Lance.

Lance: Yes, Lance. Equal time. I’ll never forget the first time my old man took me hunting. I was such a baby. I wanted to stay home wrapping towel around my waist to play lady restaurant. Instead, he dragged me weeping into the woods and made me stand there in the rain holding an AR-15 until I turned a gopher into red dust. Two years later, when I finally spoke again, I said, “Guns.”

[Mr. H looks shocked]

Mr. H: Lance, would you like to see the counselor?

Lance: Oh, yeah.

[Lance walks out]

Meghan: Gerald, come on. Do you really wanna leave policy up to a bunch of old white guys?

Gerald: No. I don’t even like old people. I don’t think they should be allowed to vote. I mean, I don’t mean to cause trouble but you don’t get to order for the table if you’re about to leave the restaurant.

Kyle: That’s ageist! That really offends me. I work at a home for the elderly. And I go every Tuesday. And I hold their frail hands. And some of them, their skin is paper thin. Their cartilage like firm jelly. And underneath, you can feel their bones.

Gerald: [looking down at his pants] Oh, keep going. The problem’s going away. Okay. We can walk in three, two– Oh! Hi, principal Anderson.

Principal Anderson: Every other classroom is outside. What’s going on in here?

Gerald: Sorry, I had to delay us a little bit.

[Principal Anderson walks to Gerald]

Principal Anderson: Oh, so you’re the trouble maker, huh? You’re the little bad boy. Huh?

Gerald: Oh! It sits back with a vengence.

Principal Anderson: You’re the naughty, naughty, naughty, nasty– Hold on. I got to step on this bug with my stiletto heels.

Gerald: And it took care of itself the other way. Alright, let’s walk out, everybody.

[The End]