Tag: Scott

Weekend Update- Dilbert on Scott Adams’ Racist Rant

Dilbert… Michael Longfellow

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Newspapers around the country are dropping beloved comic strip Dilbert after its creator Scott Adams went on a racist rant last week advocating for white people to get the hell away from black people. Off the record, he’s got a point. Here to comment- That’s what the card says. Here to comment is Dilbert.

[Dilbert slides in] [cheers and applause]

Dilbert: Hey, Michael.

Michael Che: Hi, Dilbert. So had you ever seen this side of Scott Adams before?

Dilbert: Michael, I think I can speak for myself and the entire all white staff at the Dilbert offices when I say this was a total shock. I mean, most cartoonists are weird, but racist weird? Let’s just say I didn’t see that memo. Right? Memos? Work is boring, but it can be- It can be funny too. That’s kind of my thing.

Michael Che: So you just thought Scott was weird?

Dilbert: No, I knew he was bad. He made me go into the office every single day during COVID and he knows I’m auto immune.

Michael Che: You’re auto immune?

Dilbert: Do I look like somebody who’s not auto immune? Yes, I’m a real athlete. My hair is skin, Michael.

Michael Che: Your hair skin?

Dilbert: Yes. I cannot stress this enough. My hair is entirely skin. And it has been the great tragedy of my life.

Michael Che: I’m very sorry.

Dilbert: No, I’m sorry, Michael, for racism. Maybe I was just blind to it. I mean, my glasses are literally opaque white. But to me, he was just Scott, the funny guy. The Trump supporting cartoonist who did magic in his spare time, had a great Kevin Hart impression.

Michael Che: Well, that sounds like a racist to me.

Dilbert: Well, it turns out he was a racist. And I’m his prize creation. I mean, what does that make me? I wanted answers. So I took a god forbid personal day and really started to dig in on the concept of what is work, right? Reading Karl Marx, Stokely Carmichael, lots of the black radicals.

Michael Che: What?

Dilbert:  And I realized something. Even mundane work serves to uphold a capitalist system built to maintain a racial hierarchy. But that’s all about to change. Race war’s coming. You ready, Michael?

Michael Che: What?

Dilbert: Are you ready because Dilbert is ready. I woke up this morning ready to take the streets and paint the city with a blood of the white man.

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s pretty intense, man.

Dilbert: Yeah, I had a cup of coffee. And Michael, like I always say, “Don’t even talk to me before my coffee.”

Michael Che: Dilbert, everybody.

Dilbert: This could have been an email.

Good Morning Columbus

Langdon Lee… Bowen Yang

Cheryl Worth… Ego Nwodim

Scott… Mikey Day

Dr. Bloom… Willem Dafoe

Cindy… Heidi Gardner

Nick… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Good news, it’s good morning Columbus.

[Cut to Langdon Lee and Cheryl Worth in their set]

Langdon Lee: Oh hi, oh hi.

Cheryl Worth: Ha-ha-ha. You are too much.

Langdon Lee: Welcome back. Langdon Lee alongside Cheryl Worth.

Cheryl Worth: Lots ahead in the 9 o’clock hour, but first our man about town, Scott is with a local author who’s written a new self help book about finding happiness through self discovery. Hmm, sounds interesting.

Langdon Lee: Yeah. Sure does. Scott’s down at a book signing of Bergman’s books, with Dr. Benjamin Bloom, author of “Blowing Yourself”. Scott.

Scott: Thanks Langdon. I am standing next to a man who hopes to help millions of folks find happiness through self exploration.

Langdon Lee: Sorry, Scott. I have to jump in. I misspoke before. Dr. Bloom’s book is titled “Knowing yourself.” Not “Blowing yourself”. For a lot of B words in a row on the teleprompter, I got a little tongue tied. Sorry about that, Scott.

Scott: It has happens. Now, Dr. Bloom. Tell us about your book.

Dr. Bloom: Well, it’s a feel good book. It’s about learning how to love yourself by going down deep and embracing the part of you that you discovered down there.

Scott: Wow, that’s a lot to swallow.
Cheryl Worth: I’m sorry Scott. Need to jump in here. We are having an issue with our graphics that is making this interview seem very inappropriate. The book is “Knowing yourself”. We do apologize.

Langdon Lee: Come on, graphics department. What are you doing? Get it together. Ha-ha-ha. Scot.

Scott: Thanks, Langdon. Now, Dr. Bloom, I see you have your wife here with you.

Dr. Bloom: Yes, come on over, honey.

Scott: Hi.

Dr. Bloom: This is my lovely wife, Cindy.

Scott: Now, Cindy, do you practice the techniques in your husband’s book?

Cindy: Oh, yes. It was a little harder for me to get there, though. I think women have to reach deeper into themselves to find the same happiness.

Dr. Bloom: Absolutely. Women are generally more complex. A lot more nooks and crannies to explore.

Cindy: Oh, yeah. You know, it can be an emotionally taxing process. You know, if you’re like me, your sensitive side is gonna take a lickin. But in the end, trust me, it’s so worth it. So buy his book. I had my nose buried in it for hours.

Scott: I’m sure you did. Thank you, Cindy. Now doctor, you’re going to teach me one of your breathing exercises here. Now, I tried yoga once and I was awful. So, hopefully I don’t suck here.

Dr. Bloom: It’s okay to suck. It’s how we learn.

Scott: Okay, good. We got some mats here.

Dr. Bloom: Let’s get down great.

Scott: Great.

Dr. Bloom: You can do this in a chair at home also. Okay. You want to center yourself like this.

Scott: Center.

Dr. Bloom: Now, breathe deeply. Really, fill your mouth with thoughts of–

Langdon Lee: Okay, no, no. Cut the audio. Folks. Oh, no. We are so deeply, deeply sorry. This looks very bad. Maybe go to sports? Yes, sports. Nick, you want to give people your Super Bowl predictions?

Nick: No, let’s let this play out.

Cheryl Worth: Thank you for nothing, Nick. Okay, looks like they’re wrapping up. Bring up the audio back.

Scott: Oh, wow. I have got a long way to go. I got to get practicing.

Dr. Bloom: Don’t go nuts when you’re just starting out. That’d be going too far.

Scott: Okay.

Dr. Bloom: But with time, I promise you’ll rise to the occasion and meet yourself halfway.

Scott: Yes, well said. And you’ve certainly made some fans out of our viewers. @IncelDadddy writes “This dude my hero. Teach me sensei. #nevergonnaleavethehouse” So, good stuff. Now, you’ll be down here all day, correct?

Dr. Bloom: Yes, I’ll be signing copies of my book and at noon, I’ll be demonstrating my technique live.

Scott: Oh! And now if you want to attend, you can make a reservation online at www.– Actually, they’re telling me no you can’t. I guess it’s sold out immediately. Mr. Popular. Back to you guys.

Cheryl Worth: Those people who made a reservation are going to be very disappointed.

Langdon Lee: All right, coming up in traffic something wandered onto the I-270 and is causing major traffic. That’s something get this. A 400 pound a wild whore– Boar! Wild boar. Wild boar. Let’s go to commercial.

Family Dinner – Shrek

Scott… Beck Bennett

Claire… Melissa Villaseñor

Justin… Sterling K. Brown

Mrs. Reed… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a family having dinner at home with daughter’s boyfriend.]

Claire: [laughing] Dad.

Scott: Anyway. Moral of the story, don’t have a fender bender with the NBA’s Penny Hardaway.

Justin: Oh, wow. I can’t believe that happened, Mr. Anderson.

Scott: Call me Scott.

Mrs. Reed: You know, Claire’s told us so much about you, Justin. I think she likes you.

Claire: Okay, mom. That’s enough.

Justin: Oh, gosh. Well, I like that pot roast, Mrs. Reed. And I’ll tell you what. I feel like home with you guys already. You’re so much fun.

Claire: Aw, Justin.

Mrs. Reed: Well, we are– you are just welcome to stay as long as you want. Although, I will say we conk out at about nine. And occasionally when we get really wild, we watch a movie.

Scott: Yeah. We just rented Coco Pixar film. Just won the Oscar. Phenomenal.

Mrs. Reed: Yeah. Best animated movie I’ve ever seen. Hands down. Oh, and as per tomorrow we can just–

[Justin is laughing]

Justin: That’s a good one. Oh!

Mrs. Reed: Sorry, what?

Scott: What is Justing?

Justin: Oh, your wife’s jokes. She just said that Coco is the best animated film she’s ever seen. It made me laugh. That’s all.

Mrs. Reed: Oh! I wasn’t joking exactly.

Justin: Oh, com on. No. It’s Shrek. You haven’t ever heard of it? I’m serious, Shrek.

Mrs. Reed: Oh, um, yes. You know, I believe that we saw that one, right honey?

Scott: Um, maybe on a plane. Yeah. Pretty good. Is that your favorite, Justin?

Justin: No, Scott, I’m a liar. Yes, it is my favorite. it’s also the best. That’s just the fact.

Claire: It’s okay, Justin.

Justin: It’s not okay. It’s annoying.

Scott: We just like the Pixars. That’s all. Now, who would like some cran apple pie?

Claire: Ooh, I would. My dad makes the most amazing cran apple pie.

Justin: Sure. Whatever. I’m sorry, you have seen Shrek. Right?

Scott: No. We’ve seen it.

Claire: Justin, drop it.

Justin: This is hilarious to me. Myers, Murphy, Diaz, Lithgow, a murderous role of voice talent. Can you say the same for Coco? I doubt it.

Mrs. Reed: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess I just always found the whole Ogre thing a little off putting.

Justin: [yelling] No!

Claire: Justin!

Justin: You’re wrong. You’re wrong and you’re stupid person.

Scott: Easy, fella.

Mrs. Reed: My goodness.

Justin: Whatever. Screw it. What’s that dumb ass pie you were talking about?

Mrs. Reed: Okay, what in the world is this about?

Justin: I just doing like being bullied. That’s all.

Scott: Alright. Okay. I don’t think anyone was bullying you exactly.

Justin: Ha-ha-ha. Everybody laugh at the guy whose favorite movie is Shrek. He must be an idiot.

Mrs. Reed: Okay. Well, I do not think you’re an idiot at all. And I apologize if it came off that way.

Justin: Apology rejected.

Claire: Maybe we should just go.

Justin: Why? I’m having a great time. Are you not having a great time, Scott?

Scott: Oh, I’m not. And that’s about your tone, fella.

Justin: I can’t believe I have to defend a movie with three hit sequels and 4D Universal Studio drive. But let’s all bend over backwards for Coco, right Scott?

Scott: Easy, donkey! Oh. I’m kidding, Justin. Just trying to lighten the mood here. Do a little Shrek for ya.

Justin: Keep his name out of your mouth you dumb son of a bitch.

[Justin throws water from his glass on Scott’s face]

Scott: Okay. [bangs the table] That’s it.

Justin: What? Fight me, bully. Come on.

Mrs. Reed: Okay. Let’s all just calm down.

Claire: Justin, what the hell? You’re ruining the big surprise.

Mrs. Reed: What surprise?

Claire: We’re engaged.

Scott: [yelling] What?

Justin: Yeah. We’re getting married. So you both can eat my butt.

Claire: Oh!

Justin: And guess who’s officiating?

Scott: Who? Shrek?

Justin: No, you dumb ass. Shrek is CGI. What? It’s Puss in Boots himself, Antonio Banderas. Ever heard of him?

Mrs. Reed: I’m upset. I’m very upset now. And I’d like for you to leave.

Scott: [yelling] How the hell did you swing Antonio Banderas?

Justin: It’s called money. Everyone has a price. Even Antonio Banderas. What’s your’s? 30 bucks? You cheap ass!

[Justin throws water from his glass on Scott’s face again.]

Scott: That’s it. I’m calling the police.

Justin: Oopdie-doo, Claire. Let’s leave.

Claire: Um, I’m gonna stay. You can go, Justin.

Justin: Wait, what? Baby, what did I do?

[The End]

Career Day

Mrs. Sellers… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Tollerson… Cecily Strong

Matthew… Pete Davidson

Luke Null

Robby… Mikey Day

Scott… Chance the Rapper

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Bill… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mrs. Sellers speaking to the class]

Mrs. Sellers: Well, I would say that there are more fun days than stressful days.

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Big hand for Matthew’s mom for telling us about her awesome job as a roller coaster designer for six flags.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, there is one last thing. Matthew, do you want to tell them?

Matthew: Um, my mom got the whole class annual passes to six flags.

Luke: Mrs. Sellers, you just made Matthew the coolest kid in school. Whoo!

[students are celebrating]

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Okay. This is a career week first. Roller coaster designing sounds very fun. Are they hiring?

Mrs. Sellers: Well, you need engineering degree.

[Mrs. Sellers walks away]

Mrs. Tollerson: No, that was a joke! Now, let’s bring up Scott and Robby to introduce their dads who are business partners. A double presentation, how fun.

[Robby and Scott walk to the front]

Robby: Well, um, Matthew’s mom is a tough act to follow. Roller coaster designer is very sweet. But I think our dads are up to the challenge. They are general contractors.

Scott: Trust me. It’s a lot cooler than it sounds. So, give it up for our dads, Bill and Gary.

Robby: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott take their seats. Gary and Bill walk to the front.]

Gary: Hello.

Bill: Good morning. Thanks. Gary and I started a company in 1996 called Petrol Works LLC.

Robby: Aw, such a dope name? Right? Petrol Works!

Bill: And we specialize in below ground construction of fuel tanks and flow piping for gas stations.

Scott: Yeap! This is happening.

Robby: Yeah. Pretty cool, right guys?

Gary: So, I guess we’ll kind of just take you through the process from the bid to the construction phase. First, we get contacted by a client such as Chevron.

Scott: Did you say Chevron? I think I speak for the entire class when I say, “Matthew’s mom, you suck!”

Gary: Hey, Scott! Alright. Other clients include Mobil, Exxon and Shell.

Robby: Wait! Mobil, Exxon and Shell? I mean, raise your hand if you just got so excited you blew your butt hole out.

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie? Language. And boys, I’m glad you are excited, but please let your dads talk.

Bill: Alright. So, when a client wants to build a new service station, we put together a bid, i.e., how much it will cost to build the fuel system.

Robby: Oh my god, I need some water. This is so dope. So dope.

Bill: Some jobs are more complicated than others. We had a job last year where the gas station was built on a hill.

[Robby sprays the water in his mouth on Melissa’s face]

Robby: A hill? That’s so bad ass!

Melissa: Gross!

Bill: Robbie, what are you doing? Knock it off, son!

Gary: And fun fact, petrol works is the first GV firm to use solar powered flow valve switches.

Scott: Solar powered flow valve switches? Status of my jeans, please? Scanning jeans. Your jeans are creamed.

Gary: Hey, stop that porno movie talk stuff now. Alright. Let’s continue, Bill.

Bill: Alright. A big also consists of a field survey, which is my favorite part because it gets us out of the office.

Robby: Ha-ha. And that cool joke makes it official, I want to bang my dad.

Bill: What the hell did you just say, Robbie?

Scott: Sorry, sir, your job is just so cool, you’re making the entire class horny.

Gary: Hey! I don’t know why you going so crazy for our job, but stop it with the weird stuff. What is next, Bill?

Bill: Um, we wanted to show you all a picture from the construction process. This is from a Mobil station job in the North Fullerton.

[Gary holds a picture of the pipe work]

Scott: Oh my god.

Robby: That is the dopest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Oh, I need to lie down. I’m gonna be faint. Oh my god, it’s just too dope, the pipes!

[Robby falls on classroom’s table and breaks it]

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie?

Bill: Oh, come on, Robby, what the hell are you doing? Get up.

Gary: Hey, Scott Douglas, put your clothes back on right now!

[Scott is only wearing is underwear]

Scott: I can’t. I got so hot. It’s too dope. It’s too dope, dad.

Gary: Okay, Mrs. Tollerson, can I do the honors?

Mrs. Tollerson: Sure, Gary.

Gary: Alright, Robby, Scott, principal’s office right now! Go on.

Bill: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott walk out]

Robby: So dope.

Mrs. Tollerson: Okay, well, thank you Bill and Gary for speaking to us today. Boy, I wish my teaching got kids that excited.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, maybe you’re not just a good teacher.

Mrs. Tollerson: What’s your problem with me?

Sticky Bun

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kelsey… Vanessa Bayer

Scott… Mikey Day

Jackie… Octavia Spencer

Kat… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Cecily briefing the trainees]

Cecily: Hey guys, it’s the last phase of your training. After this, you’ll be able to start working shifts at Sticky Bun. Holla! So, today we’ll be doing mock customer transactions, to get a feel for a typical shift.

Beck: This is Kelsey, the actress who will be playing our customer. Anything we might have seen you in, Kelsey?

Kelsey: Um, let me think? No.

Cecily: Cool. Alright. Um, Scott, how about you take the register? Jackie on prep and Kat on pickup counter.

Beck: Alright! just use the stuff we went over in the handbook. Okay? You’re going to be fine. You ready, Scott?

Scott: Hell, yeah!

Beck: Ah! That’s what I like to hear, bud. Go for it.

Kelsey: [acting like a customer] Hi, there.

Scott: Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Will you eat?

Kelsey: What?

Beck: Hey, Scott, don’t start like that. Remember, greet the customer and try to make a personal connection. Ask them how their day is going? How they’re doing. Something that shows you care.

Scott: Right! Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Are your both parents still alive?

Kelsey: I’m sorry?

Beck: Try a different question, Scott.

Scott: Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. How old were you when you first lost your virginity?

Beck: Hey, Scott, forget the question, bud. Say something nice and take her order.

Scott: Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Merry Christmas. Will you eat?

Beck: Alright. You know what Scott? Why don’t you take a breather. Let’s switch it up. Jackie, you want to give register a shot?

Jackie: Yes sir, I do. I know that manual front to back and I’ve been practicing in my mirror all week.

Cecily: Hey! Now that’s a Sticky Bun attitude. Go for it.

Kelsey: [acting like a customer] Hi, there.

Jackie: Go away, we’re closed.

Kat: [speaking in mic] Attention Sticky Bun customers, we are closing early for the Christmas Holiday.

Cecily: No. Guys, guys, it’s not Christmas. And Jackie, we are not closed.

Jackie: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I panicked.  It’s different when talking to a real person and not myself in the mirror.

Cecily: Well, that’s why we do this. Alright, just start again, please.

Jackie: Ley, lady, what will you eat?

Kelsey: Um, what do you recommend on the menu?

Jackie: I don’t eat here. This food is trash.

Cecily: Oh, Jackie! You know what? Don’t tell customers our foo is trash. Just remember, personal connection. Alright? Ask her a question.

Jackie: Right. Right. Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Do you like being white?

Kelsey: I’m– I’m sorry, should I answer that?

Cecily: Nope. Please don’t actually. Why is this friendly question throwing everyone off? Just ask her how her day is going.

Jackie: Well, I know the answer. Not good. She’s alone in a Sticky Bun on Christmas.

Beck: You know what? How about we give Kat a shot at the register? And things to remember, we’re open, the food isn’t trash, and it’s not Christmas.

Kat: Welcome to Sticky Bun. What will you eat?

Kelsey: Um, can I– Can I have a classic sticky bun and a milk?

Jackie: Sticky bun and a cold cow piss, coming up.

Kat: Okay, name for the order?

Kelsey: Kelsey.

Kat: Oh, wow. I had a teacher Ms. Kelsey.

Beck: Nice, Kat.

Kat: Yeah, sophomore year, the janitor found her dead in her car. That will be $5.15, please.

Jackie: [speaking in mic] One Sticky Bun and a cold cow piss for Kelsey.

[Kelsey takes her order]

Kelsey: Thank you.

Scott: You’re welcome. I love you.

Beck: Alright. Let’s cut it there. We did it. And Kelsey, nice perk here, you can eat that Sticky Bun if you want.

Kelsey: No, thank you.

Cecily: Alright. So, lots to unpack here. Scott, don’t tell customers you love them.

Scott: Okay, um, do you have a pen and paper?

Beck: Um, you shouldn’t have to write that down. Jackie, please don’t refer to the milk as cow piss.

Jackie: Sorry, that’s what we call it in my house.

Cecily: And Kat. Don’t tell customers stories about dead people.

Kat: I’ll try.

Cecily: Nope, that’s required. Okay? Oh, guys, and let’s do, “Can I take your order”, instead of “Will you eat?”

Jackie: So, we have to know, are we Sticky Bun material?

Beck: Well, normally, we recommend another week of training, at least. But this is an airport. So grab a timecard and get to work!

Poetry Lovers

Ashley…Sarah Silverman

Scott… Kyle Mooney

Brian… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Ashley reading a book ‘The December Generation’ in a park.] [Scott walks to Ashley]

Scott: Hmm, the December Generation.

Ashley: Oh, this, yes. ‘The December Generation’, it’s a term–

Scott: [sitting down by Ashley’s side] That Jack O’Boyle used to describe a group of poets and artists from late 50s and early 60s.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Exactly.

[Cut to Scott]

Scott: Personally, I’m partialled at Christopher Patel.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Me too.

Scott: I love his poem ‘A Life Before’.

Ashley: The times we had,

the madness of it all

[Cut to Scott completing Ashley’s poem. They are staring at each other’s eyes.]

Scott: The dreams of life,

the truth we wear

Ashley: The fear, the pain and everything hereafter

[cut to Scott]

Scott: Leads to this moment.

Both: The life before.

Scott: I’m Scott.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Ashley.

[Cut to Ashley and Scott. 3 pops out of Ashley’s back]

Brian: Hey, man! Quit talking to my girlfriend like that. [Cut to 3] I’m gonna kick–

[Cut to Scott]

Scott: –kick my butt.

[Cut to 3 smiling] [3 slowly stands]

Brian: Because I’m not gonna put up with little–

[Cut to Scott completing 3’s sentence.]

Scott: –pieces of turn.

Scott and 3: From planet Earth.

Scott: Scott.

[Cut to Ashley, Scott and 3.]

Brian: Brian.

[Scott and 3 shake their hands.]

In your–

Scott and 3: –worst nightmare.

[Scott and 3 smile at each other] [Scott pushes 3 hard] [Cut to many clips of 3 bullying Scott] [Cut to Scott]

Scott: And then he made me eat this.

[Scott shows Ashley what he ate]

Ashley: Stinky Sue Supreme?

Scott: Yeah! [Scott burps]

Ashley: Brian, your temper’s out of control.

[Cut to 3 not talking back] [Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: You’re nothing but an immature–

[Cut to 3 completing Ashley’s sentence]

Brian: –emotionally stunted–

[Cut to Ashley going on with her sentence]

Ashley: –self indulgent–

Ashley and 3: Child!

[Ashley and 3 look at each other smiling]

Brian: I’m Brian.

Ashley: Ashley.

Brian: Would you want to break up with me?

Ashley: I’d like that a lot. Sayonara–

[3 completing Ashley’s statement]

Ashley and 3: -sucker!

[Cut to Ashley carrying 3 and throwing him into the garbage.]