Wood PSAs

Bobby Moynihan

Venessa Bayer

Louis C.K.

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby and Venessa in the restaurant]

Bobby: Still the best turkey burger in the city though.

Venessa: Oh, definitley.

Bobby: You want toothpick?

Venessa: Um, no.

[music playing]

[as Bobby and Venessa leave, Louis is staring at them with an axe and Beck is singing]

Beck: [singing] If you don’t use the wooden things
what will happen to the lumberjacks 

Male voice: Buy wood products. A message from the Woodworkers Association of America.

[The End]

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Cecily looking for a book in library]

Cecily: [showing the book to Sasheer] Hey, have you read this? I head it’s amazing.

Sasheer: No, but you should get it.

Cecily: No, I’ll just download on my iPad.

[music playing]

[Louis is staring at them with an axe and Beck is singing behind Louis]

Beck: [singing] If you download books on your iPad
what will happen to the lumberjacks 

[tears are falling down Louis’s eyes]

Male voice: Buy wood products. A message from the Woodworkers Association of America.

Weekend Update Tom Brady

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NFL has suspended Tom Brady for four games without pay due to findings that it is more than probable Brady knew about the deflation of the game balls. Here to comment, it’s Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Tom Brady: Hello and good evening, Michael. Looking sharp. Let’s have a great interview.

Michael Che: Yes. Let’s. Tom, I’m gonna ask you the hard questions, okay? Did you know they were letting air out of those balls?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Oh, well. I can’t speak to that at this time, Michael. But I do want what’s best for the team and America, and all of you.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Aw!

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Jost! Don’t do that! Tom, I’m gonna tell you right now. That Brady charm is not gonna work on me. Okay? These are serious allegations. Do you think punishment is deserved?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: It’s a great question, Michael. Asked by a great guy! But if I’m being honest, [laughing] I’m sorry. I’m still cracking up over Jost’s Jeb Bush joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Thanks Tom.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Ah, please call me Tommy.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, stop trying to distract us and just answer the questions, man! Do you think you will win the appeal and get a reduced punishment?

Tom Brady: You know, [Cut to Tom Brady] Michael, I was asked that very same question by Evan, my favorite make a wish child.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, you’re gonna stop being likable and answer my questions, okay? Do you feel any responsibility for the Patriots’ $1 million fine and loss of two draft picks?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: You know, it’s another great question, and I admire your passion. I know my wife does too.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, I don’t — Wait! Gisele talks about me?

Tom Brady: That’s right. You know my wife?

Michael Che: Yeah, man! It’s Gisele.

Tom Brady: Oh, that’s right. To me, she’s just a mother of my greatest gifts. My American children.

Michael Che: Wait, no! You’re distracting us with your perfectness. Okay? You cheated. You got caught, alright? It’s basically proven. Just face it. Be a man!

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: What kind of man is that, Michael? A man who was a back-up QB in college? Drafted 199th and worked his cute butt off? To win four Superbowls, five NVP awards and more post games seasons– more post season games than anyone in the NFL history?

[Cut to Colin Jost clapping]

Colin Jost: Woo!

Tom Brady: Thank you.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Thank you. That was a rare Brady flub there, huh, Michael?

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Do you have any idea what kind of pressure that brings, Michael?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

The most! And when you’re under that kind of pressure, sure some air are gonna get squeezed out. But if you thing couple of ounces of air made all the difference in 45-7 win, then I’ve got one thing to say to you, I have no comment at this time and support our troops and god bless the USA.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Alright! Tom Brady, everyone!

Tom Brady: I’m a gorgeous closed book!

Michael Che: Yeah, we know you are.

[Cut to Colin Jost wiping his tears of joy]

Weekend Update Riblet

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of marijuana at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in North Carolina say that a 12 pound package of marijuana washed up on a beach. For some perspective, this is what a 12 pound package of marijuana looks like. [Picture changes to a black music artist]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s our last Weekend Update of the season

Michael Che: Yeah, and for all the jokes we got to tell this year, we also cut a lot of jokes at dress rehearsal.

Colin Jost: Yeah. So, now what we’d like to do is resurrect one joke each that was cut earlier in the year. Okay, I’ll go first.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a knife and a jar of salsa at left top corner.]

Ohio police arrested a woman who allegedly stabbed her boyfriend for eating all of their salsa. Though you’d be angry too if your boyfriend was jalapeno business.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, first of all I hate you for laughing at that. My joke got pulled after dress rehearsal because they said it was too offensive and way over the line, man! But it’s the last show of the season. And, what are they gonna do? So, I’m just gonna do it. Here we go.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a Malaysian Airlines logo at right top corner.]

[audience are already laughing]

Another Malaysian Airlines plane–

[Riblet peeks from behind Michael Che’s back]

Riblet: Too soon, Che! Too soon baby!

Michael Che: Oh, man! It’s my buddy from high school, Riblet, everybody!

Riblet: Go call for the comeback! Yo! It’s Riblet baby! Season 40 finale! Wad up?

Michael Che: Riblet! It’s the finale.

Riblet: I know.

Michael Che: Don’t ruin this for me.

Riblet: Oh, you ruined yourself, Che! Which is why Riblet has got you regulate! So clear my shot Che! Coz I’m about to do your jorb!

Michael Che: You could never do my jorb!

Riblet: Oh, I could not? Oh, really Che? Well, move over back because here comes something leaner!

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of horse racing at right top corner.]

Earlier today, Kentucky Derby winner American Pharoah won the Preakness Stakes. The second leg in horse racing’s triple crown. And he better win the third leg if he wants to keep all four legs.

[yelling] Oh! Shimi-shimi-ya-shimi-ya-shimi-yay!

Give me your jorb so I can take it away!

[Michael Che is getting angry]

What? What? What? What just went down? That was topical as hell! That horse is still running. I just did your jorb!

Michael Che: You did not do my job. You just read one cue card, man!

Riblet: Porfectly! I read one cue card porfectly! Now peep this Michael Che, coz I’m about to creep this!

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of sandwiches at right top corner.]

A new study finds that people who like grilled cheese sandwiches have more sex. This according to a grilled cheese sandwich I just ate at Che’s mama’s house!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

[yelling] Oh! I just took your jorb!

Michael Che: Alright, man! Look, there’s more to this job than just reading, okay? You gotta know about politics, social issues.

Riblet: Oh, you don’t think Riblet’s not about current affairs?

Michael Che: I don’t!

Riblet: Oh, you don’t?

Michael Che: I don’t!

Riblet: Oh, they call me Sneakers because I about to satisfy.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of $20 bill with a woman’s face on it.]

The campaign to replace Andrew Jackson with a woman on the $20 bill is being called a significant step forward in gender equality. But if we wanna treat women as equals, we shouldn’t put them on money. We should pay them an equal amount of money. And Michael Che shouldn’t be paid at all!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

[yelling] Oh! Oh, excuse me. Oh, waiter!

[A waiter brings in a covered dish and leaves]

Thank you. Here we go.

[Riblet opens the lid. There’s a mic.]

How nice. It just got weird, because you just got served!

[Riblet drops the mic on the table]

Michael Che: Riblet, ladies and gentlemen! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Turning 21

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson turned 21 years old this year. Here to comment on finally becoming an adult is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up, Pete?

Pete Davidson: How are you, man?

Colin Jost: How are you? So, you’re 21. What does it feel like to be an adult? You feel like an adult?

Pete Davidson: Kind of. I mean, I’m 6’3″, 140 pounds. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I kind of look like I should be outside of car dealership flapping in the wind. Now, I just moved out of my mom’s house coz like, my mom and sister were just driving me crazy.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, maybe you should just talk to them about that, right?

Pete Davidson: Nah, it’s not my style, Colin. I don’t confront people. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You know? I was raised by a woman. So, you know, when you’re raised by a woman, you tell everybody about the problem… except for the person you have the problem with. You know, that’s how my mom does it. She would come home and be like, “I hate that bitch Dian!” I’d be like, “Well, don’t hang out with Dian.” My mom be like, “I have to. She’s my best friend.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, your must have grown up in some way this year, right?

Pete Davidson: Um, I guess so. I see like, signs here and there. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Like, I don’t like Harry Potter as much I used to. You know? I was a huge Harry Potter fan when I was a kid two years ago. And, that’s why I never got any girls in high school. Probably coz I called high school Hogwarts. Also, now I watch those movies and I get mad that Harry never gets laid. He never does. He’s rich, he’s famous, and he’s a wizard. You know? And girls were just throwing in at him but nope! He never makes a move. He had invisibility cloak. And he used it to read more. If that was me, I would be with four of my buddies in the women wizard locker room and we’d ruin that cloak.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. No. No. Honestly, I have to say, Pete. I have seen you grow a lot this year, you know? Maybe not physically or emotionally, but just, you know, in terms of the passage of time.

Pete Davidson: Thanks, I think! Yeah! I mean, I think I’ll grow up a lot this summer too, you know? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I think I’m gonna finally learn how to be on this show. You know? How did I get on this show, Colin? Did my mom see NBC executive hit a kid and drive off? I don’t now how to sing, I don’t know how to dance, I don’t know how to act… and read… or stand up straight. You know, that’s why I’m only here. This is all I can do. You know? I don’t have to stand up or wear pants. I can’t even do impressions. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] I’ve been working on it. You wanna hear one?

Colin Jost: Yeah, please.

Pete Davidson: Okay. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Here’s my impression. [mimicking President Obama] Let me be clear. I’m running for president.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, it’s not a bad Obama.

Pete Davidson: That’s my Hillary Clinton.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Pete Davidson, everybody!

Pete Davidson: How am I here?

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of MadMen logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This Sunday is the series finale of the hit show ‘MadMen’. In the episode, Don Draper is finally ruined in the advertising business after creating [Picture changes to the Hamburgler man wearing mask] the new Hamburgler.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of U2 guitarist The Edge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a concert in Vancouver, U2 guitarist The Edge fell off the stage. So I guess you could say that The Edge was walking too close  to the border of that stage.

[Picture changes to the painting Women of Algiers by Picasso at right top corner.]

Pablo Picasso’s ‘Women of Algiers’ was sold for a record setting $179 million. But I can get you a picture of lap sided titties for way less than that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sweden and Russia’s flags at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Swedish peace activists are trying to deter the Russian submarines by using a sonar system that broadcast pro-gay messages. Which is also a pretty good description of Bravo!

[Picture changes to Boston University logo]

A newly hired Boston University professor caused controversy after she called white males ‘The problem population’. The professor apologized saying, “I am as sorry as some basic ass Latina.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Taco Bell logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] It was reported that Taco Bell in Chicago may soon start selling alcohol. Which is weird because usually, it’s alcohol that sells Taco Bell.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up everyone?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of George W. Bush and Jeb Bush at left top corner.]

Jeb Bush said in an interview this week that like his brother, he would have authorized the invasion of Iraq, that we wouldn’t have done it for the same reason George did, to capture the genie from Aladin.

Jeb Bush has also criticized that a Town Hall event at Nevada when a college student said that his brother George W. Bush created ISIS. But that’s really not fair, you know? [Picture changes to George W. Bush and Dick Cheney] It’s more like he co-created it. And if you don’t believe me take a look at the credits.

[Cut to credits. The background is a dessert and has ISIS written on it. It says “Created by George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Executive Producer Donald Rumsfeld.” Then at last, a dog appears and says, “Halliburton”.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Harriet Tubman at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The group advocating replacing Andrew Jackson on $20 with a woman announced that the winner of the poll for the new face of the currency is Harriet Tubman. It’s a move that could have racists all over saying, “Can I get that in 10s?”

[Picture changes to Tom Brady]

The NFL has suspended New England Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady for his role in deflate gate. Why are we calling this ‘deflate gate’? Gate doesn’t mean scandal. It’s from the Watergate hotel and Tom Brady did not take air out of the Watergate hotel. He took the air out of balls. It’s deflate balls. Let’s just deal with it. It’s what it is.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of China’s flag and an Apple Watch at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: China has banned it’s soldiers from wearing the new Apple Watch over concerns of cyber security. Said one Chinese soldier, “But my daughter made it for me!”

This Is How I Talk

Jay Pharoah

Venessa Bayer

Donald… Louis C.K.

Brenda… Leslie Jones

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Sprint phone shop]

Jay: So, that’s pretty much how the job works, Donald. Welcome aboard.

Venessa: When you’re here at Sprint, you’re a framily.

Donald: Well, thanks again. Like I said, I really need this job. I haven’t worked for a long time and I don’t want to blow another opportunity.

Jay: Well, if you care about keeping this job, word of advice, don’t piss off Brenda.

Brenda: Oh, I’m sorry. Am I running the charity here? Coz the last time I checked, I’m paying your asses to work. Okay? Which means your asses better be working or else, you’re done!

Jay: Yes, ma’am!

[Brenda leaves]

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: I’m guessing that’s Brenda. Wow, is that how she really talks?

[Brenda comes back]

[mocking Brenda] I’m paying your asses to work. Which means your asses better be working.

[Cut to Jay and Venessa. Venessa is warning Donald about Brenda.]

Venessa: Okay, dude. Don’t!

Brenda: Excuse me? I’m sorry. [Cut to Donald and Brenda] Is that how you think I talk? Is that your little impression of me?

[Donald looks around]

Donald: [trying speak like Brenda as if he speaks like that all the time.] Why you fronting on me? I ain’t talking like you. I’m talking like my damn self!

[audience laughing]

And your ass better back up coz otherwise you’re gonna be clowned on this fellow, umm!

Brenda: So, you’re saying this is how you actually talk?

Donald: I’m talking like my mama taught me to talk. And if you clowning on my mom then you’s about to get bounced!

Brenda: Okay. If that’s how you really talk then we ain’t got a problem.

Donald: Um-hmm. Well, okay then. [snaps]

[Brenda leaves]

[Cut to Jay and Venessa]

Jay: Dude, what the hell was that?

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: [speaking normally] I don’t know. I just got caught and I panicked.

[Cut to Jay and Venessa]

Venessa: What are you gonna do now?

[Cut to everybody]

Donald: I mean I need this job. [Brenda walks behind Donald] I just gonna have to stay this way.

Jay: Like, forever?

Donald: [Donald starts acting again] Like, I was saying. Who you think you is? Angela bastard! I ain’t tryna’ front on no chicken hog.

[looking at Brenda] Oh, damn, Brenda! Where did you get those nails did. They on fleek!

[Brenda walks away quietly]

That was close. I don’t know how long I can keep this up.

[Cut to Sprint- One Year Later]

[Cut to Donald and a customer]

Aidy: So, basically I can’t text outdoors, which seems pretty bad.

Donald: Ah! Well, that’s not ideal but I think I can probably help.

[Brenda walks in]

[Donald starts speaking like Brenda again] And you can start by taking that fake ass weave out of your head!

Aidy: Excuse me?

Donald: Showing up here like you looking like you late for church. Okay? Coz I keep it 100.

[Brenda nods her head to Donald]

Aidy: Okay, what is happening here?

Donald: Woman! I still see you! You gone!

[Aidy leaves]

[Cut to Brenda and Donald]

Brenda: Damn, Donald! You’s a crazy bitch.

Donald: I just get angry sometimes, you know?

Brenda: You know what? I feel you. I feel you. But you right here, I need you right here. [showing she needs him to be a little lower] You putting too much two on the 10. You know what I’m saying? I need you to pump your brakes just a little bit, okay?

Donald: Okay, I respect that from my heart. Real talk, good looking.

Brenda: You welcome, boo!

[Brenda leaves]

[Cut to Sprint- Five Year Later]

[Cut to Donald and a customer]

Donald: [speaking like Brenda] Well, I ain’t gonna sell yo no iPhone 10 coz  you ain’t a 10, honey. You’s a straight up four. Coming in here with your 3G clothes and your 3G purse.

Kate: I just wanna buy a charger.

Donald: You gone!

[Kate leaves]

Brenda: Donald! Can I talk to you for a second?

Donald: Sure enough. What’s up, sugar?

Brenda: Listen, at first I doubted that was your real voice. But, no one fronts for five whole years! So, I promise boo, we good okay? We good now.

Donald: Yeah, you do. I be me.

Brenda: But I actually have a confession to make. This is my real voice. [speaking calmly] This is how I really talk.

Donald: Whaaaat?

Brenda: See, I went to a good college, but when I showed up for my interview, they thought I was straight out of Compton so I just went with, you know, that voice and hid my real one for all these years.

Donald: [speaking in real voice] Oh, my god! Well, this is how I really talk. So, I guess I don’t have to keep pretending like I talk like you.

Brenda: [yelling] Bitch, I knew you was faking. Get your broke ass our of here you fake ass fronting for five years. You go!

Donald: Dammit!

Brenda: Old job at a hut looking white bitch!

[The End]

The Shoemaker & The Elves

Shoemaker… Louis C.K.

Kenan Thompson

Venessa Bayer

Wife… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a book “The Shoemaker and the Elves”.]

Male voice: After enjoying many nights of assistance from the magical Elves, the Shoemaker awoke to find an unpleasant surprise.

[Cut to Shoemaker getting in a room]

Shoemaker: Hmm. Time to see where the Elves have left. [walks to the table] What is this? This is odd, just one half done boot. This is not like them. Or family will go hungry.

[two elves appear in front of Shoemaker]

Male Elf: Master shoemaker, we are here to serve.

Female elf: What seems to be the problem?

Shoemaker: It’s just that this is not like you. I feel like you’re letting me down a little bit.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Oh, no!

Male Elf: So sorry. That was not our intention at all.

Female elf: No sir.

Male Elf: Probably the best thing to do is to teach us some kind of a lesson. You know, so we get the message.

Female elf: Yeah, like some sort of punishment.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Punishment? Like what?

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Whatever you think is fair.

Male Elf: It could be physical.

Female elf: Yeah, like some kind of physical, discipline…

[Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Look, that’s not my style. Why don’t I just say “Try harder” and leave it at that?

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Oh, so no punishment?

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: No! Just do better!

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: We won’t let you down.

[Cut to the wall clock ringing]

[Cut to the room after many hours. Male Elf and Female elf are sitting on the table. Shoemaker walks in]

Male Elf: Good morning Mr. Cobbler.

Female elf: Good morn to you.

Shoemaker: You guys, this is– I mean you’ve done nothing.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Oh, no! Are you kidding?

Female elf: We just won’t learn, will we?

Male Elf: How are you gonna handle this, sir? [Male Elf turns his butt towards Shoemaker to get hit.]

[Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Don’t do that. This is serious. I have customers who need shoes and I don’t feel like making them.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Totally! Probably cause for some physical punishment.

Female elf: Yeah, you must be so horny– I mean, mad! If I were you, I’d just grab me by my hair and shake me.

Male Elf: Yeah, and I’d tie me up over here and stuff a crab apple in my mouth.

Female elf: Then take a paddle and crack it across both of our rear ends.

Male Elf: Yeah, I think that will be a good motivator.

Female elf: That would definitely put a fire under my butt.

Male Elf: Speaking of butts, I wanna go ahead and just flop over here and see if it tempts you to give me the spanking I deserve.

[Male Elf bends over]

[Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Guys!

Male Elf and Female elf: Just try it!

Shoemaker: Uh! Alright, maybe just one little–

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt]

Male Elf: Ah! Harder!

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]

Female elf: Oh, it’s gotta be harder!

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]

Male Elf: Whoo!

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Look, forget it! This is insane! You guys are starting to really make me…

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Angry? It’s completely justified!

Female elf: I guess you’re gonna want to go to the restroom on us now.

[Male Elf pulls up a plastic sheet roll]

Male Elf: I guess I’ll just unfold this plastic sheet. You know, to like, protect the floor but also to collect it just in case we wanna use it for something later. I don’t know. Everything is up to you.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I am not going to go to the restroom upon you. Now, put that sheet away. I’m beginning to regret rescuing you from that windowless cottage at the edges of forest.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: So, act on that!

Male Elf: Act on that frustration!

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Look, elves. Come on! You don’t know how much I want to dominate you both right now. I so want to call you both nastiest of names I can think of.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Do it!

Female elf: Do exactly that.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I want to take my pants off and parade around in front of you in my underwear.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Great idea!

Female elf: I’m making so many pairs of shoes in my mind right now.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I want to make you call me daddy, then I force you to wash the kitchen floor with sponges on your bottoms.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: I’m ready!

Female elf: Into it.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: But at last, I can’t do any of those things. And you want to know why? Because I’m married.

[Wife walks in]

Wife: Husband!

Shoemaker: Oh, no! How much did you hear?

Wife: Enough to know that you must choose between me and the elves.

[Wife leaves]

Shoemaker: Well, you heard her. [looking at the camera asking audience] What do you think I should do? If you think I should stay faithful to my wife, text the number 1 to 18005550199. If you think I should sexually dominate the elves, text 2. We’ll be back later with the results.

[The End]

Summertime Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Jay Pharoah

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with two couples enjoying a picnic]

Kenan: Oh, gosh! What a perfect day for a picnic. It’s so nice out there.

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I’m just so glad it’s finally that time of year again. You know what I mean.

Bobby: I sure do.

[music playing]

[Cut to Cecily and Bobby]

Cecily: [singing] There’s a breeze in the trees and the suns on my knees that can only mean one little thing

Cecily and Bobby: It’s summer
I can’t believe it’s finally summer
no worries or cares
just fun everywhere
it’s summer, summer time

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer
I’m so happy that it’s summer
no more days spending tired
it’s time to unwind
it’s summer, summer time

[Hillary Clinton walks in and sits on the table]

Hillary Clinton: Hi. How are you?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

May I have just a moment of your summer? Hello. I’m Hillary Clinton. I’m running for president of this United States.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Yeah, but that’s not for a long time. Now it’s summer vacation.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Ah! My last vacation was in 1953. I played one round of hopscotch with a friend. I found it tedious. I mean, why hop when you can march… straight to the White House?

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Well, this summer, I’m going to a water park.

Leslie: And I’m going to Spain.

Hillary Clinton: Well, that’s fun. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] And I’m going to fertilize a plant to talk of immigrants about the dream act.

[music playing]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer, summer time!

[Cut to three three surfers with their surfing boards.]

Kyle: Dudes! The ocean looks so perfect.

Jay: Yeah, the waves are totally righteous.

Beck: They sure are. And you know why?

[music playing]

Surfers: [singing] It’s summer
the ocean’s perfect in summer
and this season’s my fav
let’s go catch some waves
it’s summer, summer time

[Hillary Clinton comes in dancing]

Hillary Clinton: Ay, there, 18 to 25 year olds. How does it all hang?

Jay: What?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton posing in front of Kyle’s board]

Hillary Clinton: God, I love summer. You know, fun fact about summer. You know Bernie Sanders? This is his 73rd one! [laughing by herself] I guess the old age thing is his narrative now. Will you summer kids help me spread that?

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Um, we were about to hit the waves.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: That’s cool. You know what else is cool? In two years, I’ll be 69. [Cut to everybody] Do you like that? Bill told me to tell that to young males.

Kyle: Cool! We gotta go. I can hear the ocean calling.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: And I can hear the screams of a dying middle class.

[music playing]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer, summer time

[Cut to Venessa and Taran cycling on the beach]

Venessa: Honey, I think this is the best day I’ve ever had.

Taran: I never wanted to end, summer I mean.

[music playing]

Venessa and Taran: [singing] It’s summer.
Hey, it’s finally summer
we’ve nothing to do
it’s just me and you

[Hillary Clinton starts running by their cycle]

It’s summer–

Hillary Clinton: Hi. Hillary Clinton. Hello. I love that tandem bike. If you elect me, I promise to work in tandem with congress.

Venessa: So, you’re running on the beach in a wall suit jacket. Aren’t you hot?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, I’m hot… for America. And I will run until I meet every voter alive. And then this November, I shall collect my reward.

Taran: Well, the election’s next November. So, you still have another summer of this.

[Hillary Clinton starts running faster than the cycle towards the camera]

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Venessa and Taran: It’s summer, summer time!

[Cut to Aidy and Pete building sand castle]

Aidy: We’re gonna build the coolest biggest sand castle ever!

Pete: It’s gonna have a moat and everything.

[music playing]

Aidy and Pete: It’s summer
we’re so glad it’s finally summer
no homework or school
no teachers or rules

[Hillary Clinton walks n]

it’s summer, summer time!

Hillary Clinton: I love your sand castle.

Aidy: Thanks. It’s our dream house.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, neat! This is my dream house.

[Hillary Clinton shows a White House made out of sand.]

Right here. Look at that. Isn’t it fun? Why don’t you tell your parents to vote for me? Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: Oh, they don’t like you.

[cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: What? Why not?

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: I don’t know. They just don’t.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, what can I do moving forward to earn their vote?

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: Um, I think nothing coz they said they don’t like you, and they just never will.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, Aidy and Pete]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] What a fun thing to hear for almost 20 years.

[Hillary Clinton destroys Aidy and Pete’s sand castle.]

[music playing]

Hillary Clinton, Aidy and Pete: It’s summer, summer time.

[Cut to Sasheer with her friends putting on some sunscreen lotion.]

Sasheer: Wow, the sun is bright today girls. Better lotion up. I’ve got my arms but can someone help me reach my back?

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: I can do that.

[cheers and applause]

Sasheer: Wow, thanks Mr. President.

Bill Clinton: God, I love summer.

[music playing]

Sasheer and Bill Clinton: It’s summer
god I freaking love the summer

[Hillary Clinton walks in]

Hillary Clinton: Ah! Ah! No, no, no, no!

[Hillary Clinton pulls Bill Clinton away]

Bill Clinton: I’m sorry.

Hillary Clinton: Billary Rodham Clinton, what are you doing?

Bill Clinton: [speaking to Sasheer] It’s my mom! Sorry!

[Sasheer leaves]

Hillary Clinton: We’re supposed to be campaigning, Bill.

Bill Clinton: Come on, Hillary. I mean, don’t you ever just wanna have one chill peaceful day?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, of course I do. I have the perfect peaceful day planned. On the final day of my eight years as president, my soul will leave my body, shoot into the sky and become an eternal ball of bright white light. Then, and only then, shall I know peace.

Bill Clinton: Holy mother of Chelsea, ha-ha-ha.

[music playing]

[everybody walks in]

Everybody: It’s summer
everyone, enjoy your summer
sand under our feet
non-stop meet and greet
it’s summer, summer time!
it’s summer, summer time!
And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Police Line Up

Police Officer… Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Simon… Taran Killam

Kurt… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Louis C.K.

[Starts with Officer and Pete in the police station]

Officer: Alright now, let’s make sure I have this right. So, you were attacked outside of Ray Burn Players workshop theater on Thursday the 5th?

Pete: That’s correct, sir! I was just walking down the street and someone hit me to the ground.

Officer: Well, we think we got the guy but we gotta do a line up. They’re actually all actors at the theater. We need you to try to identify the one that robbed you.

Pete: Okay. Got it.

Officer: I’m gonna make sure I have this right. The assailant said, “Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got. I have a knife.”

Pete: That’s right.

Officer: [talking on the mic] Okay, bring them in.

[Cut to the actors walking in the room]

Simon: Hello, how are you?

Kurt: Hello.

Beck: Hi.

Louis: Hi, thanks a lot for letting us– yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Okay, each of you will step forward and read the line on the card. Number one, go ahead.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: Yes, hello. Hello. I’m Simon Backster Boil. I brought an extra head shot. [showing his photograph] If anyone wants that. I apologize. Little nervous. Okay.

[Simon starts acting]

[yellng] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Simon stops acting]

Was that okay?

Beck: That was great, man! You’re totally gonna get it. That was awesome!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number two, step forward.

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Kurt Hogar.

[Cut to Kurt. He puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it.]

[Kurt starts acting]

Alright! Um…

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just say the line.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: I’m getting there.

[clears throat] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! [takes a puff of cigarette] I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Simon: Oh, wow! There was so much going on there. Bravo, sir!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number three.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well first off, love the script! So good! I’m sorry. I just need to know my motivation, be a little bit clear on that. Is this like a vengeance thing or?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just read what we gave you.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Okay, I’m gonna go vengeance on this one.

[Beck starts acting]

Let’s make this quick, give me everything you got! I have a knife.

[stops acting]

God! That was so flat! What?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number four, step forward.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: I feel like this character is a woman.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: It’s not!

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Alright. Well, I can’t help it channel some feminine energy, but I’ll do my best!

[starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors clapping]

Simon: Wow! Wow! Bold! I never would have gone there.

Louis: Well, you know. I like to explore. I think gender is fluid.

Simon: Absolutely.

Kurt: Totally. Yes!

Beck: That’s true.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Oh, boy! Well kid, any of those sound familiar?

Pete: I’m not really sure. Can I hear number three again?

Officer: Number three, again please.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [surprised]Oh, alright, great! Yeah, I’ll mix it up. Try something different.

[starts acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Louis: Dude! That was amazing! I love that funny twirl.

Beck: Yeah, I don’t know.

Kurt: We should write together sometime and make our own thing or something.

Simon: My friend Brian has a camera.

Beck: Well, one video per week? We have no excuses, you guys!

Louis: We can do like, a web video.

Everybody: Yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Gentlemen, please! Number two, again!

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Alright. Can I — Can I walk into this? I’m gonna walk into it.

[Cut to Kurt preparing to act]

[starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Brother, that was awesome.

Kurt: Really? It still feels so stiff to me.

Louis: Well, loosen up, man! Shoot a couple of vocal arrows.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: Great! Yeah, yeah!

[Kurt starts gesturing as if he’s shooting arrows and making noises.]

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Ay! Stop that! Now, I need each of you to say the line one more time… as yourselves. No funny business. Go.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: [acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: [acting] [singing] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I’m not ready yet. You go. You go.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: [acting] Let’s make this quick anyway! I mean, give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [acting] Okay, let’s make– [starts sobbing] I’m sorry, I don’t know if I can do this.

[cut to Beck and Louis]

Louis: [comforting] Of course you can. You’re crying, what’s wrong?

Beck: I don’t know. This character is just like really personal to my life experience. So, it’s really hard.

Louis: You know what? Use it. Use it. Just, use it.

Beck: Okay, I will. This is so hard, you guys. Okay.

[yelling] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Pete: Oh, yeah! That’s the guy.

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Oh, my god! I got it!

Kurt: You’ll be a star!

[Actors are celebrating for Beck]

[The End]