Louis C.K. Monologue

Louis C.K.

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K..

[Louis C.K. walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Louis C.K.: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, stop.

[audience saying something]

Um, hi! It’s a little early for that. Well, thank you very much for being here. This is the 40th year of this show’s existence. And this is the finale. So, I’m very honored honestly to be asked to host this. So, thanks and I’m glad you guys are here. Yeah, it’s fine. Anyway, I was born in 1967, and so I grew up in the 70s. So, I’m not racist. However, I do have mild racism. It’s the best I can do coming out the 70s because that was a very racist decade. People said racist things all the time and nobody got offended. The only time somebody got offended if you said something racist in the 70s is when they say like, “Hey, you interrupted me. I was saying something racist. Why did you..?”

So, I have mild racism. It’s benign, it’s not aggressive, it’s not even negative racism. It’s mild racism. I’ll give you the example. Okay? Like, if I go to a pizza place I’ve never been to before and it’s run by four black women, I’ll go like, “Hmm!” See, it’s very mild! It’s extremely mild racism. I’ll notice that. “Hmm. You don’t usually see that, four black women running a pizza place.” Unless it’s called ‘Four Black Girls’ Pizza’ or something like that. Like, that’s the whole point of the place. It’s mild.

Here’s another example of mild racism. If I… say I’m in a hospital and doctor comes in to treat me and the doctor is from China or India, I’ll think, “Well, good! Good! Good, more of that. Why not?” It’s very mild racism.

Here’s another example. If I’m in a gas station late at night, a young man comes in wearing a hooded sweatshirt, if he’s white I’ll think, “Oh, he’s athlete.” If he’s black, unless he has a big smile on his face, then I’ll become mildly racist and this is what I think. I think, “That’s fine! Everything is fine! Nothing’s gonna happen. No, of course I’m fine. Why did I even think that for a second?”

This is because I was raised in the 70s. The 70s were a very different time. The 70s, everything was different in the 70s than it is now. Except the middle east. It’s exactly the same. It’s exactly the same as it was in the 70s. It’s been the same fights. And you know what? It’s boring now. That’s the worst part of it! When I was a kid, we were like, [acting scared] “Err!”, but you can’t go like this for a thousand years. After a while, when you fight, people don’t care, coz when both of you just keep fighting, everybody’s like, “Those guys are dicks. They just fight.” That’s what it’s like.

You know, I have two kids and they fight sometimes. And when they first started fighting, I got concerned. I go in their room and I’m like, “Hey, what’s going on? What’s wrong? Why are we having some feelings? Can we listen to each other please? Can we please just listen to each other? Okay, you go first.” Then she goes, she’s like, [mumbling stuffs funnily] “Um, yeah, that sounds hard.” [mumbling stuffs funnily] “Okay. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Now you. [mumbling loudly] Coz I like this one a little more, [pointing at the side where he was applying his first kid was] so I’m making– [mumbling loudly] “Hmm.” And they work it out. You help them work it out. But if they keep fighting, you stop dong that. After a while, you just go in their room and you just go, [yelling] “Hey! Shut up! You’re both wrong!” Coz they won’t stop fighting. You’re in a family. There’s other people in this family and you’re being a couple of selfish little bitches that won’t fix anything. You share room. We can’t afford another room. So, just deal with it.

Somehow, this has to do with Israel and Palestine. I know exactly. I remember how. It is coz my kids are like Israel and Palestine. And I’m like America. The little one’s like Palestine coz she always gets screwed. She always gets the worst deals. She’s like, “She threw a rock at my face.” I’m like, “Your fine! Look at you, you have a great life. You take a rock on your face once in a while. You’re fine.”

The older one is like Israel. She comes at me and says, “She burnt all my dolls.” I’m like, “Look, I can’t do anything about it right now. Your sister is crazy. Please don’t make me talk to her. I’ll work it out you and me, okay? We’ll go out. I’ll buy you a really cool missile and you do whatever you do with it. Totally up to you.

The 70s were very different. In the 70s, there was a child molester that lived in my hometown. And it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t like, “We got a child molester.” It was like, “Yeah, that’s the house where the child molester lives. He lives there, kids. Don’t be stupid, you’ll get molested. Just stay away from the child molester house. I know coz he did something to me when I was your age. So, just stay away from the child molester house.”

We really had a town child molester. His name was John Baptist. This is a true story. And he liked teenage boys. That’s when you would find out coz I was a teenage boy. He didn’t like me. I felt little bad. He was like, “Not you.” He wasn’t into me. But he would drive up next to teenage boys and he’d say, “Hello, would you like to go to McDonald’s?” And you’re like, “No!” And he’s like, “Why? You don’t like McDonald’s?” And then you’re trapped coz of course everybody liked McDonald’s in the 70s. And then I had one friend who used to get in the car. He’d be like, “Sure, I’ll go.” And he’d get in the car, go to the McDonald’s and eat a burger, and then he’d say, “See ya!” and just take off! And John Baptist was like, [facepalm] “Argh! I did not get to have sex with that child. I failed again.” But he’d always try. “Mmm-maybe this time.”

Because child molesters are very tortious people. They love molesting child! It’s crazy! It’s like their favorite thing. I mean when you — it’s so crazy coz when you consider the risk in being a child molester, speaking not of even the damage you’re doing, but the risk. There’s no worse life available to a human than being a caught child molester. And yet, they still do it. Which from you can only really surmize, that it must be really good! I mean from their point of view. Not ours, but from their point of view. It must be amazing, for them to risk so much!

I didn’t think– My last show probably.

[audience laughing]

Because– Look, I can’t key into it because I love Mount’s bars. I love mount’s bars. It’s my favorite thing, right? But there’s a limit. I mean, I can’t even eat a Mount’s bar and do something else at the same time. That’s how much I love them. Like, if I’m eating a Mount’s bar, I can’t read the paper like, [acting as if he’s reading the paper]. I have to just sit there with it in my mouth and go like, “Why is this so good? I love this so much.” And because they are delicious. And yet, if somebody said to me, “If you eat another Mount’s bar, you’ll go to jail and everybody will hate you”, I would stop eating them. Because they do taste delicious, but they don’t taste as good as as a young boy does, and shouldn’t– to a child molester! Not to me! Not to us! Coz we’re all awesome.

[breathes out]

Alright, we did it. We got through. We got a great show tonight! Rihanna is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Forgotten TV Gems Whoops! I Married a Lesbian

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Shae… Kate McKinnon

Tom… Louis C.K.

Mag… Aidy Bryant

Frank.. Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Forgotten TV Gems intro] [Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good afternoon and welcome to Forgotten TV Gems. I am Reese De’What. Today we look back at a ground breaking sitcom from the 1950s that attempted and failed to tackle the sensitive subject matter of homosexuality. Why did it fail? I do not know. That is not why I am here. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. The other day, she asked me to guess what she had done different. And I said, “I don’t know. Took a bath?” Worst date night ever!

Now, let’s watch a scene from what we’ve been talking about. Please enjoy, ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to the movie scene. Shae is cleaning the hall and Tom walks in.]

Tom: Honey, I’m home. What a day. Mr. Parker said I sold the most of anyone.

Shae: Oh, that’s nice dear.

[Tom tries to kiss Shae but Shae walks away without kissing]

Tom: Shae, I didn’t get my kiss.

[They sit on sofa]

Shae: That’s right, Tom. And you’re not getting it from here on out.

Tom: What re you up to?

Shae: I’m a lesbian now. Mag and I have decided. We’re both lesbians.

Tom: Oh, no, you don’t. I won’t have it. You wouldn’t even know how to do it.

Shae: Oh! Well, let’s make a bet. Give Mag and me 48 hours and if we’re good at being lesbians, we get to be it forever.

Tom: Maybe!

Shae: Mag, he said yes.

[Mag walks in with a briefcase in her hand]

Mag: Hot potato!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Part of the problem with the series was that it was written solely by male writers who knew nothing about the social issue the show was based on. Even the show’s creator claimed to have met the lesbian ones, but it was actually just a wooden drug store Indian. Here’s another ill advised moment from ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to Frank and Tom]

Frank: Well, I guess the girls told you that they’re lesbians now.

Tom: Oh, boy! And how? But don’t worry. I have a plan to get them out of that guest bedroom and back into our’s.

Frank: Oh, what have you got in mind?

Tom: Itching powder! I put it all over their twin beds. Any second they’re gonna come running out of that bedroom and scratch on themselves silly.

Frank: And begging to go back with us. Tom, you are a genius.

[Shae and Mag walk in from different direction.]

Shae: Now, what do you want?

Mag: Yeah, what’s this? Itching powder?

Tom: Yeah, it was Frank’s idea.

Frank: So you’d stop being lesbians.

[Cut to Shae and Mag]

Shae: Fat chance. Let’s show them Mag.

[Shae and Mag are just touching their mouths with each other’s. They’re not kissing.] [Cut to everybody] [Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Let’s be clear. We here at Forgotten TV Gems do not hold the same backwards view of gay people. I myself love lesbians. I’m obsessed with them. My sister’s wife taught me how to body surf.

Let us watch the conclusion of the first episode which was also the finale to ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to Shae and Mag. They’re holding each other’s one hand and using other hand to use the vacuum cleaner.]

Shae: Clean as always, my lesbian love.

Mag: I’ll say.

[Tom walks in]

Tom: Maybe you two do make a good lesbians.

Shae: I told you I could do it.

[Frank walks in dressed as a woman]

Frank: Well what about me?

Mag: Frank! Have you gone bananas?

Frank: I’m not Frank. I’m another lesbian girl. Now, give me some sugar mama!

Mag: Nice try, mister.

Tom: I guess I really did marry a lesbian.

[Shae and Tom start kissing passionately]

Shae: Wow, I may be a lesbian but there’s nothing like the love of a good man.

Tom: That’s my girl.

[Cut to Reese De’What]

The ironic thing is that the actor who played Tom later turned out to be a giant homo. [talking to the crew members] Is that okay to say? It’s not? You can’t win! For Forgotten TV Gems, I’m Reese De’What.

[The End]


Venessa Bayer

Jean… Kenan Thompson

Louis C.K.

Jemma… Cecily Strong

Waitress… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a scene in the beach]

Venessa: Honey, this is such a great birthday present. [Cut to Venessa and Jean sitting in a lobby] Are we hipping up to be here? I see women swimming in high heels.

Jean: Oh, you’re the hippest one here. And I think your fashion crocks are cute as heck!

Venessa: Oh! Well, I love you Jean.

[Venessa and Jean kiss] [Louis and Jemma walk in]

Louis: Dude! No way! Jean. No way you here. Babe, I know these guys. He’s a friend of mine.

Jemma: [in bad accent] I think friends are so important.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Jean: I’m sorry. How do I know you?

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: We were in that focus group together, you and me. For potato chips. This guy loved every kind. This is my girlfriend, Jemma. Say hi to them. Open your mouth and say hi.

Jemma: Hi, I’m Jemma. I just got bleached. My bum still burns.

Louis: Dude, that accent is like sexy, right? You know, I know you’re itching a pound your lady friend right now.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean being confused]

Jean: Well, she’s not my lady friend. She’s my wife.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: Babe, let’s sit with them in this cabana. So nice.

[Louis and Jemma sit with Venessa and Jean]

Jean: Oh, well, we just rented it us.

Louis: It’s for the VIP. It’s the only way we roll. Let’s party!

Jemma: Okay, babe! Come on! Remember your pace maker. Doctor told him he has a good chance he’s gonna die in me.

Venessa: What?

Louis: You know, she’s a singer. I’m her producer. Last year I left my family to become a record producer. Up-top, my man!

[Louis gives his hand to Jean for a high-five]

Venessa: Okay, we- we only have the cabana for another hour. So…

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: Sing your song. What’s your song called again?

Jemma: It’s called Vacay.

Louis: Okay. After she sings this, you’re gonna want to bone your lady friend until her visor pops off her head.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: I’m not his lady. I’m his wife.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: Sing your song, babe!

Jemma: It’s called Vacay.

Louis: Okay here she goes. Here goes the beat.

[Louis starts stomping his thighs for the beat and Jemma sings horribly.]

Dude, if you don’t need to cover your bathing suit with little umbrella right now, then I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Let me see. Stand up. Let me see if you got one right now.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: You don’t, do you honey?

Jean: No, of course not!

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: Why you lying?

Jemma: I’m thirsty. Bubbles! Bubbles!

Louis: She means champagne. How hot is that, Jean? Trust me, the first time I heard it, the little tie on my linen pants snapped and it practically flew to Mars.

Jemma: Bubbles!

Louis: Where’s the guy? I need the guy.

[Cut to everybody. Waitress walks in.]

Waitress: Hi, can I help you?

Louis: I was kind of hoping it would be a guy.

Jemma: Bubbles!

Louis: My girl wants champagne.

Jemma: And shrimps. Shrimps and bubbles.

Louis: There’s like, four of us. So, bring us like 18 pounds of shrimp.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: That’s way too much shrimp.

[Cut to Waitress, Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: I want 20 pounds of shrimp. I’m famished!

Waitress: Okay, what’s the room number?

Louis: What’s your room number, Jean?

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Jean: Um, 285.

Venessa: Jean! Why did you do that?

Jean: Because I’m stuck.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: They should be in my video.

Louis: Babe, that’s just great idea. We want it to be like, super sexy real dudes just getting nasty with their ladies in the sand.

Jemma: Yeah, and just like shots of you two snugging. And I’ll be like, [singing] snugging in the beach on Vacay.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: No, we’re not doing that.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: Don’t be shy. Girls need to feel sexy at all ages and sizes. Just have confidence! Girl power!

Louis: Dude! Our girls getting real tight. I wish you and I could talk like that. Why do you think we don’t?

[Cut to everybody. Waitress brings a bucket of shrimp and a champagne.]

Waitress: Alright, here’s your 20 pounds of shrimp, and your magnum of champagne.

Louis: Okay, can you get me like a little machete to open that with? Like the French dudes do?

Waitress: We don’t have machete.

Louis: This place sucks!

Jemma: Wait! These are tails. I don’t like shrimps with tails on them.

Louis: Well, how do you want to proceed? Well, I hate waste. Let’s give them to her.

[Jemma passes the bucket of shrimps to Venessa]

Jean: That’s fine. She’ll eat em’.

Venessa: What?

Louis: Yeah, we’ll watch your girl eat the shrimp and they can watch us fold on our backs on the pool.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Jean: Yeah, get started please.

Venessa: Fine!

[Cut to everybody] [Venessa eats one shrimp]

Everybody: First shrimp!

Jemma: Eat faster!

[Venessa eats another shrimp]

Everybody: Second shrimp!

[The End]

Whiskers R We with Reese Witherspoon

Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon

Purr-sula… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with Whiskers R’ We commercial set.]

Barbara and Purr-sula: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a friend you didn’t know you needed.

Purr-sula: Cat is an itch that scratches you

Barbara: A cup of love, a dash of Whiskers and a metric yard of fur.

Purr-sula: Cats are all that in a bag of cats.

Barbara: So, come on down for our spring cat-abration.

Barbara and Purr-sula: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew.

Purr-sula: And my name’s Purr-sula. It used to be Ursula but I wanted something that cats could pronounce.

Barbara: Many of these rescued cats come from the owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Purr-sula: Let’s meet today’s cat-testants.

Barbara: [showing a black kitten] For you royal family fans, we call this cat, Kat Middleton. Because she’s as lovely as a princess.

Purr-sula: And she’s good at producing hairs (heir).

[Barbara is laughing]

Barbara: Plus, her sister has a better butt.

[Barbara and Purr-sula laughing]

Purr-sula: You’re bad!

Barbara: I’m bad to the bone.

[Barbara showing another brown kitten]

We call this cat Peanut because he’s tiny and 5% of people have deadly allergy to him.

Purr-sula: I hope you’re not allergic to me.

Barbara: Cool it Purr-sula. We’re on camera.

[Barbara showing another grey kitten]

Okay, this cat is Sapphire. Isn’t she gorgeous?

Purr-sula: Look at that perfect little face. Wanna know her secret? Botox!

Barbara: I think she’s is going through mid life crisis. She tells everyone she’s three. Bitch, you’re four and half.

Purr-sula: I’d get botox if you wanted me to.

Barbara: We’ll talk later. [showing another golden kitten] We call this cat Majelen, because he’s a little explorer. His greatest discovery, his own butt hole.

Purr-sula: He’s still fun to pet, though.

[Purr-sula is caressing Barbara’s hands]

Barbara: Stop it! I’m on beta blockers. Okay, and this is [showing another black and grey striped cat] Skittles. This cat is a gift from god. At least that’s what he told the members of his cult. Don’t be along with him for too long or he’ll make you sever all ties with you family.

Purr-sula: He told me I could share his bed every other Tuesday. Little jack-off!

Barbara: This is Mufasa. [showing a huge cat wearing lion-like hair] He claims to be a lion from the African Savannah. But I’m pretty sure he’s just some nobody from Delaware.

Purr-sula: I’m pretty sure he didn’t go to Princeton either.

Barbara: [showing another black and grey kitten] And this is Bluebel. This little guy just showed up on our doorstep to tell us he’s a registered sex offender. He loves to hide things like, little balls of string, or cameras in your toilet.

Purr-sula: Oh, careful Barbara, you got a little cat drew right there. [Purr-sula is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Purr-sula! If you want shingles, keep fiddling, girl! So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We.

Purr-sula: Our policy is look it in the eye, you bought it!

Barbara: Plus, with every cat purchase, you’ll get a free all the cats!

Purr-sula: These cats are kin of like our children.

Barbara: Pump the brakes, Purr-sula. This is our second date. Come on down!

[Cut to the Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We, spring cat giveaway. See you there.

[The End]

Weekend Update Willie on Graduation

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s almost graduation which can be a bitter sweet time for a lot of students. So, here to cheer up anyone feeling down about graduating is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! What’s up, Michael?

Michael Che: How are you doing?

Willie: Hey, everybody! Boy I just love graduation time. No more pencils. No more books. No more breakfast. No more lunch.

Michael Che: I get. Willie, leaving school can be a very scary time for a lot of kids.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Oh! But there’s nothing to be worried about, Michael. It’s like my teachers used to always say, there ain’t a bus short enough for you, Willie!

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Then, you miss all of your friends?

Willie: Yeah. Of course I did. But friends don’t always exist.

Michael Che: What?

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Reminds me of when I went to prom with my high school sweetheart Lauren. I can still see it now. Two young, crazy, fun loving kids… jumped me in the parking lot and stole my car. But it’s like they always say, “Lauren set you up, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That really happened to you, man?

Willie: It happened to all of us.

Michael Che: No.

Willie: Well sure, [Cut to Willie] maybe I wasn’t the smartest kid in school, but I graduated. And I even got to give a speech in my graduation. I was so nervous. I had to imagine everybody was throwing tomatoes at me.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Why would you imagine that?

Willie: Because they were throwing batteries at me, Michael! [Cut to Willie] But it’s like they always say, “You supposed to be wearing clothes under that robe, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That sounds terrible, man!

Willie: But you know who loves school the most?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: My old dog Lucias. Yeah! He was the most popular dog in his obedient school. That’s right. [Cut to Willie] Seemed like there wasn’t one dog in that school that old Lucias didn’t run off to play with. They’d go play in the park, on the dog beds, or in the broom closet. But it’s like those trainers used to always say, “Your dog’s spreading Chlamydiae, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, it seems like you went through a lot and you still like graduations. I mean, none of these things bum you out?

Willie: Well, I do get a little down when I think about my old classmates. I never forget the last thing they said to me. “You locked us in here with the shooter, Willie!”

Michael Che: Oh, no! Willie, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Two Girls You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with at a Party

Michael Che

The girl… Cecily Strong

McKinsey… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The San Francisco police department is reviewing thousand of cases to see if the arrest were racially bias. Here to comment on this delicate subject are two girls you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at a party.

[The girl and McKinsey slide in.]

The girl: Namaste, Michael. This is McKinsey. It’s my bestfriend.

McKinsey: And fingers crossed, her step mom.

Michael Che: And what do you guys think of this police review?

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

The girl: What do we think of about it? It’s irrashable!

McKinsey: It’s reprehendable.

The girl: We’re in– And what? We’re gonna put body cameras on cops now? Oh, like, we don’t watch enough TV already.

McKinsey: And it’s like, Bruce Jenner is allowed to be a transformer, but our climate’s aren’t allowed to change? That’s hippopotamus.

The girl: Michael, facts, one in five homeless people are actually millionaires and they don’t even know it.

McKinsey: So, if you see section, say something.

[phone vibrating. The girl checks her phone.]

The girl: Oh, your phone.

McKinsey: Oh, yeah. It’s Tiger Woods.

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

Michael Che: Okay, can we please focus here?

The girl: Fine! [looking away] Amber!

McKinsey: Amber! Over here!

Michael Che: Who are you talking to?

The girl: Our other friend Amber.

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

McKinsey: Yeah, we couldn’t find her earlier so we put out and Amber alert.

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

Michael Che: Okay. That is not what that’s for.

The girl: Quick, Michael. Who are you voting for in 2016 election?

Michael Che: Well, it’s pretty early but–

The girl: I’m voting for the Sudan. Oh, but I’m sure Hillary Clinton is starving kids too.

Michael Che: Okay, look.

McKinsey: Shh! Shh! Wait! We wanna show you a new game, Michael.

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

The girl: Okay. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

[The girl has scissors and McKinsey had rock.] [Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

Who won?

Michael Che: Well, rock beats scissors. So…

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

McKinsey: Wrong. Justice…

The girl: Ties with peace.

McKinsey: So, the only loser here…

The girl: Is the children…

McKinsey: And the future.

The girl: And you, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

McKinsey: Oh, wait! Tiger’s downstairs girl. We gotta go.

Michael Che: Alright. Two girls out of party, everyone.

McKinsey: Amber!

The girl: Amber!

McKinsey: Amber! Don’t die!

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Social Media

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that one in seven couples break up because of their behavior on social media. Here with her take is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! What’s up, Jost baby? How you dong?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. You tell me, Leslie. What’s going on?

Leslie Jones: Oh, yeah. I’m gonna. See, um, here’s my complain. Couples are always texting each other and on Facebook. Nobody writes love letters anymore.

Colin Jost: They don’t write love letters?

Leslie Jones: Well, maybe you do, you sexy cream sickle.  Just wanna chump all the orange off and get to the cream. [Cut to Leslie Jones] No guys ever wrote me a love letter. So, I wrote one to this guy that I had a four year booty call with.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Four year booty call?

Leslie Jones: That’s what I said!

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: To whom it may concern. [looking at the camera] And you know who you are. I miss you. I miss you every morning when I wake up. And I miss you– I miss sitting in front of your house wondering why the lights are on. Love, Leslie.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Why are you still writing him letter?

Leslie Jones: Coz he blocked me, Jost. I’ve been blocked! Can’t call, can’t text, can’t poke, can’t like. [Cut to Leslie Jones] [yelling]And it’s driving me crazy! Which is why I wrote this second letter.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no, no, no.

Leslie Jones: Dear ass face! [Cut to Leslie Jones] How dare you block me? Coz you didn’t block me from paying your motel six bill when you lost your house. And you sure as hell didn’t block me from giving you that special thing you like doing halftime at sports center.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, yes. Sports center doesn’t have a halftime.

Leslie Jones: You know, I thought I was down there a long time.

Colin Jost: Oh! [shaking head] [Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: But I still miss your sexy foreign accent saying, “Leslie, you are so sexy Leslie. [making noise]”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s a person?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: You like Fox News or sex? I know its all lies, but it just can’t get enough.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, so now, what are you doing to get over this guy, Leslie?

Leslie Jones: I don’t know. Which is why I wrote this third letter… to myself.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Dear Leslie, what the hell wrong with you? You still hung up on this loser? You live in New York and you are on Saturday Night Live. You need a man who appreciates Leslie Jones for who Leslie Jones is. Tall, loud and phenomenal in bed.

Colin Jost: And humble.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost. Leslie Jones stares at Colin Jost] [Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: You need to date a man who puts other people before himself like a bodyguard or offensive lineman. So if there’s any offensive lineman out there, listen up. I’ll be your Tom Brady and deflate your balls all day!

[Cut to Leslie Jones an Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Unblock me! Unblock me!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of ‘Forrest Gump’ at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Michigan man is planning to run over 3,000 miles in hundred days as an omag to Forrest Gump, and a straight up FU to Lieutenant Dan.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cake with 21 candles on it at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Tennessee woman celebrated her 21st birthday by performing 21 acts of kindness on people she had never met, which is the most polite way that I’ve ever heard that put.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of University of South Carolina logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A student of University of South Carolina was arrested after she poisoned her roommate’s food with cleaning fluid. Said her roommates, “Oh, so you do know where the cleaning supplies are?”

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Prince William and Kate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The royal family announced that the name of Prince Willam and Kate’s baby girl is Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. They chose the name Diana for William’s mother, Elizabeth for his grandmother and Charlotte for of course, [Picture changes to basket ball players] 1992 Charloette Hornets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After their recent fight, boxer Floyd Mayweather called Manny Pacquiao a coward for not accepting his loss and said there would be no rematch. Because if you wanna fight Floyd Mayweather more than once, you have to date him.

[Picture changes to a masked man with a burger]

This week, McDonald’s unveiled a new version of the hamburglar, so McDonald’s, I guess my question is what’s happening here? Who is this for? The hamburglar used to be a lovable children’s character. This guy looks like an actor from McDonald land porn parody. And why is he shh-ing us? Is he says, “Shh, don’t tell anyone what’s in our special sauce?” Or, “Shh, don’t tell my parents how bad my acting career is going.” Or is the new McDonald’s play place in the back of this dude’s van? Because this isn’t the image you use to sell fast food. It’s the image you see when you come to after getting drugged at a costume party.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lindsey Vann and Tyga Woods at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Lindsey Vann anounced that she and Tyga Woods have broken up, while Tyga Woods announced that, “Woo-hoo!”

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: So, tomorrow is Mother’s Day.

Michael Che: Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.

Colin Jost: As we totally remembered.

Michael Che: I feel like it’s now.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s now. It’s now our Mother’s Day. Congratulations moms. And, just to honor our mothers here on Weekend Update, we’d like to read one joke each that our moms actually texted to us this year.

Michael Che: Yeah, even though we never asked them to do that.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s Colin’s mom’s photo at left top corner.]

So, this is the first one. This is my mom everyone. [cheers and applause] Thank you. It looks like she’s cool on Safari, but don’t! Don’t! It’s Disney Land. Um, this is also about Disney. This is what she texted me.

“Disney Land having trouble with the measles. Maybe they should re-brand it as mouse-pox then show Mickey with spots. On serious note, this is why vaccination is so important.”

[Cut to Michael Che. It’s written ‘graphic missing’ at left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: It’s not horrible. Yesterday, I asked my mother to send me a picture that I could show of her on national TV and she is still in the Salon right now. So, I’m just gonna show you the look that she’s probably going for. [Picture changes to Diana Ross in a photo shoot] It’s 1970’s Diana Ross. And this is the joke, this is her new story.

“I just walked out of grandma’s room. She has the heater on blazing. Sad face. It was so hot in there, I just saw satan run out and say he couldn’t take it and he would be back later because it was so hot in there. LOLOLOLOLOL.”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: So, happy Mother’s Day. I can’t wait to take you to brunch tomorrow, mom.

Michael Che: And I can’t wait to take you to dinner, Colin’s mom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of nail salon named ‘ISIS Nails’ at right top corner.]

I’d make a great dad. A nail salon in Queens called ‘ISIS Nails’ has finally changed it’s name after suffering harassment from locals who thought the store was connected to the terrorist group. Though, I don’t know how much better things will be with their new name, “Nail Qaeda”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of outside space at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A group of astronomers have calculated the distance to a galaxy as more than 13 billion lightyears away, which is the most distant galaxy ever measured. It’s so distant that astronomers have given it the nickname, “Dad”.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: What’s up everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton’s poll numbers have dropped two points since she made her presidential campaign official. Because for some reason, once a woman makes it official, we suddenly start to lose interest.

Hillary Clinton has reportedly met with potential donors for her presidential super pac just three weeks after she criticized that fund raising practice. The super pac’s name is Hillary’s Political Action Committee for Democracy, or HiPacRacy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s ap icture of Patriots and NFL logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An NFL investigation has concluded that the New England Patriots likely cheated by deflating footballs used in the AFC Championship game. The investigation was conducted by [Picture changes to angry Bill Belichick] just looking at Bill Belichick.

[Picture changes to Mike Huckabee, Dr. Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina]

Several new candidates entered the race for the republican nomination this week including Carly Fiorina, Dr. Ben Carson and governor Huckabee. So I’m pretty sure the only way to make this group less exciting would be to add [Picture changes to Hawkeye from Avengers movie] Hawkeye.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at top right corner.]

Michael Che: This week, Dr. Ben Carson announced that he will seek the republican presidential nomination. Of course, most republicans know Dr. Carson by the nickname, ‘Some of my best friends’.