Tag: season 41

Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Now that Donald Trump is the Republican nominee. Many are concerned about his lack of foreign policy experience as well as this “romance with Russian dictator Vladimir Putin”. Here to comment is a woman from a small village in Russia. Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: Hello, my babies. Good to see you Colin. [waving at Michael Che] Black Colin.

Colin Jost: So Olya, how has it been going in Russia? What have you been up to?

Olya: Hmm. Let’s see. I forget. Let me check my day planner here. What did I do? Oh, Wednesday, yes, I did this. [acting like she’s crying] And then Thursday, I was like… [acting like she’s running from something] And then the Friday. Yes, Friday. Me and my home girls, we got together. We did this thing. [acting like she’s shivering in cold] “So cold. So cold I want to die.”

Colin Jost: Come on, Russia can’t be that bad.

Olya: What? Colin! White Che! You know, in America, you like, “Hey Bobby, got to hell.” Well in Russia we say, “Hey Bobby, stay put.”

Colin Jost: Wow. You’re on fire.

[Olya thinks she’s literally on fire]

Olya: Ah! Not again. Where? Where? Not again.

Colin Jost: No. You’re not actually on fire. Let’s get back on track. What do you think about the fact that Donald Trump could be our next president?

Olya: Oh, Colin. Colin. This is so sweet. This is like candy in my mouth to me. I’m assuming. For years, America has made fun of Putin. And now you guys have a Putin of your own. Welcome to the suck!

[sneezes]

I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: Oh my God bless you. God bless you.

Olya: He never has and he never will. But really America, come on. You guys have Trump, but you call Putin crazy? This is like part calling all my toes black. At least our guy is jacked. I mean, have you seen that photo of Putin shirtless on that horse? I mean, yummy, yummy.

Colin Jost: Wait a second. You think Putin is sexy?

Olya: No, I’m saying the horse look delicious. I’m starving, Colin. Pay attention.

Colin Jost: Okay. Olya, what do you think about the fact that Putin once called Trump a genius?

Olya: Hmm. You know, having Putin call you genius, this is not compliment. That would be like if my own poop said, “You know the smells good? Olya.” “Thank you poop. Also, why are you so grey?”

Colin Jost: Thats— Thank you for the visual. That was great. Thank you.

Olya: Colin, can I tell you a secret? I have met this Donald Trump before.

Colin Jost: You’ve met him before?

Olya: Yes. Yes. Every 10 year, he comes to my village in the middle of the night to take a new wife. And last time Colin, it was down to me and Melania. I hear he picked her just because she had both ears. God, I am so jealous of her.

Colin Jost: You’re jealous of her? Why? Coz she’s rich now?

Olya: No. Because I see in her eyes that she is truly dead.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Olya Povlatsky, everyone.

Olya: One day. One day.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There’s an inspirational video that’s gone viral called ‘It’s never too late’, which claims you’re never too old to follow your dreams. Here to comment is our own Leslie Joes.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Thank you, Colin. Great to be here.

Colin Jost: How are you feeling, Leslie?

Leslie Jones:  Oh, Oh, Colin. Oh . Man, I’m 48 and last month I tore my ACL playing a Ninja in a comic sketch. My whole life I wanted to be a Ninja, but my 48 year old knee was like, “Bitch, you is not a Ninja.” The only thing you do good in black pajamas is watched the chill. But the video made me realize that you can achieve your dreams at any age. Did you know that Harrison Ford at 30 was a carpenter? Vera Wang didn’t design her first dress until she was 40? Even Captain Crunch joined the Navy at 50. All I’m saying is that you youngs are just running around here trying to be somebody when you don’t even know who you are yet. You know what happened to Oprah at Leslie Jones3? She got fired. Imagine firing Oprah.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well that was a mistake.

Leslie Jones: No, it wasn’t because she wasn’t Oprah. She was just some Leslie Jones3 year old punk who needed to get fired, so she could become Oprah. Sometimes you got to fail to succeed. I did.

Colin Jost: Well, okay. What were you doing at Leslie Jones3?

Leslie Jones: Man, I don’t know. The first part of my twenties is like a sexual blur. Then I was fired from some temp jobs, UPS, but I’m glad I got fired. Lorne Michaels created SNL 41 years ago, but maybe if he had got fired like Oprah, he wouldn’t still be working the same damn job. Also, our generation is just much healthier now. You know, we’re the new old. My dad didn’t hydrate. He drank scotch. My dad didn’t exercise. He drank scotch. People will take care of themselves now. You know, we do politely. We got Jamie Lee Curtis keeping us regular. We you yoga.

Colin Jost: You do yoga? Well, namaste. And also, what’s your favorite position?

Leslie Jones: Downward facing Colin. I just wanna know where you’re staying, Jost.

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, eveyrone.

Weekend Update Jay Pharoah about Secret Rappers’ Meeting

Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Beyonce made an album called ‘Lemonade’, which highlights Jay-Z’s infidelities. It’s rumored that Jay-Z sought out marital device at a secret rappers meeting. Here to talk more about it is our own Jay Farrow.

[Jay Pharoah slides in]

Jay Pharoah: Wad up, Che?

Michael Che: So Jay, there’s a secret rappers meeting?

Jay Pharoah: Oh yeah, yeah. We meet up every three months in P Diddy’s above ground submarine.

Michael Che: Well, tell us what happened.

Jay Pharoah: Alright. Okay. So first Jay Z got right into to tell his side of the story. And he was like, [mimicking Jay-Z] “Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. So definitely, you probably heard me and Beyonce are like beefing, right? Yo, I’m trying to sleep in and blues wine cellar. [laughing] What you want me to do? I’m sorry.” And then 50 cent  started laughing. He was like, [mimicking 50 cent] “Ha-ha-ha-ha, a little something. Hey Jay, maybe you need to apologize just a little bit. Trust me, I’m Google. Women. I’ve got Vivica Fox eat my butt. Ha-ha-ha-ha.”

Michael Che: [laughing] 50 cent did that?

Jay Pharoah: Yeah, man. and then TI says, [mimicking TI] “Ay-ay-ay-ay, now hold on partner.  Your Queen B has got to understand the impediment, hindrance and the obstacles of these pop tech in us circumstance.”

[mimicking DMX] “Yo! I don’t even know what TI said, you know? If it was a brother like me, somebody gotta ask your girl- what you really want from a –”

And Lil’ Wayne was like, [mimicking Lil’ Wayne] “It’s ways F baby, Beyonce is a bitch, and you need to patch it. I have. I have. Yeah. Yeah. Ah!”

Colin Jost: Hey, were there any rappers I like? Like, you know, Will Smith?

Jay Pharoah: Yup! [mimicking Will Smith] Damn! That’s crazy. Insane! [clears throat] Check it out Miami. Wo-hoo!”

Colin Jost: Yup. I got mine. Son of a gun.

Michael Che: You fool. Were there any women there?

Jay Pharoah: Oh yeah, man. Yeah. Nicki Minaj was there. She was like, [mimicking Nicki Minaj] “Oh my God. Like, you know, Meek would never cheat on me. If he does, [yelling] THEN I’LL KILL HIM!”

And then Drake was like, [mimicking Drake] “I mean like, Oh yeah. I mean. Yeah, I need a one dance. I mean like, can we all just get along and just like, relax and all that. You know?”

[Drake slides in]

Drake: Hold on. Wait. First of all, I don’t sound like that. So just relax.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Yeah, bro. You do sound like that.

Drake: No, I don’t sound like that. You can’t even do my voice.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Oh yeah. I can just do your voice.

Drake: You can’t do it.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] I’m doing it right now.

Drake: You don’t sound like me.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Oh yeah. Say, “Oh, yeah.”

Drake: Oh, yeah.

[they sound the same]

[Michael Che laughing hard]

Michael Che: Jay Pharoah and Drake, ladies and gentlemen. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

[The End]

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of mountains at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials are warning hikers to stay away from a volcano in New Zealand saying there are signs it may erupt. Signs like, when locals heard the volcano whisper, “Oh, I’m so close.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a deer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York mayor Bill De Blasio has announced a plan to help reduce the deer population on Staten Island by giving the male deers vasectomies. Since Deere abortion is still illegal due to the landmark case of DOE V Wade.

[Picture changes to map picture of Oregon stage]

A man in Oregon who had collapsed in his house was saved after his local Domino’s Pizza became concerned he hadn’t called in his regular order and sent a driver to check on it. It’s all part of Domino’s new slogan, “You die when we say you die.”

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a prison cell at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A prisoner in Colorado who was convicted of crack possession is demanding a DNA test claiming to be the biological son of Prince, or, and hear me out, he’s just a crack head.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: UFO enthusiast have declared that Hillary Clinton is the first ET candidate after she pledged to release government files on UFOs and area 5Colin Jost unfortunately the aliens keep all their files on a private email server. Sucks.

[Picture changes to a sign of Unisex Toilet]

Conservatives around the country have introducing bathroom bills which they say will prevent people from posing as transgender and sneaking into bathrooms to attack kids. So I guess their point is if you’re a pedophile and you were born a man, you’re not allowed to sneak into the women’s room and attack girls. You’ve got to stay in the men’s room and attack boys. I don’t understand why we have any bathroom laws anymore. Anyone could just walk into any bathroom at any time. If I’m at a Mexican restaurant, [Picture of two doors, one sayind ‘Damas’ and other saying Caballeros’.] I choose the wrong door 50%. My Spanish just isn’t that good. I think the real irony of this bathroom bill is that ‘Bathroom Bill’ sounds like the perfect name for a restaurant pervert. “Bathroom Bill in here peaking under the stall. Get out of here! And don’t just put on a wig and come back as Bathroom Jill.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a sculpture of kneeling Adolf Hitler at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mexican restaurants still have pictures. A sulpture of a kneeling. Adolf Hitler was sold at auction for more than $17 million. The statute depicts Hitler on his knees begging people to stop comparing him to Donald Trump. Fortunately, it was sold to a Jewish man who is about to have the greatest Snapchat of all time. [Picture changes to a Jewish man and the Adolf Hitler sculpture. The sculpture comes to his waist level and looks sexual.]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well it’s been one week since Trump became the presumptive nominee and so far so good. This week the Washington Post were released a recording of Donald Trump posing as a fake publicist named John Miller to brag about his business deals and a sexual conquest. Trump is denying that it’s him. Let’s listen to the tape.

[Cut to the subtitles. The recording is playing.]

Recording: “He’s coming out to a, you know, a marriage and he’s starting to do tremendously well financially. He’s probably doing as well as anybody there is.”

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Come on! That’s Trump. Exhibit a use of the word ‘tremendously’. There’s only two times I’ve ever heard the word ‘tremendously’. From Donald Trump and from recordings of Donald Trump.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: John Miller is such a lazy first thought made up name too, but that’s like what Trump does. Everything he says just sounds like he’s on the speed round of Family Fued. Give us a fake name. Um, John Miller. Foreign policy? Build a wall. Megan Kelly? Oh, it’s bleeding. KKK? Pass. You know, if only there was a way but Trump to prove that John Miller is an actual person. Oh, I know. How about you show us John Miller’s birth certificate. Don’t you got a guy that can do that?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, if Donald Trump truly believes that’s not his voice on the phone, then I think we might have a fight club situation. I mean, I know his rallies are fight club, but I think John Miller might be his Tyler Durden, which also explains Trump’s confidence because every time he looks in the mirror, he sees Brad Pitt.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’ s picture of Donald Trump and a lice at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new poll, 54% of Americans prefer lice to Donald Trump. Which is weird because lice already dropped out. [Picture changes to Ted Cruz]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: But this week, Donald Trump was officially endorsed by Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle. You know, the best guys and the smartest guys.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and democratic logo at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Hillary Clinton said that a number of Republicans who don’t support Donald Trump have been reaching out to her. She didn’t say which Republicans, but I bet I can name at least one off the top of my Jeb. [Picture changes to Jeb Bush.]

Office of the Speaker of the House

William… Drake

The Speaker… Taran Killam

Dick Patterson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with the Office of the Speaker of the House.]

William: Mr. speaker, how was your meeting with Donald Trump?

The Speaker: Well, it went very well, William, but between me and you, he still makes me very nervous.

William: Me too, sir.

The Speaker: Yeah, bud. It is mid-May. We don’t have time to find a third party candidate.

William: Actually, sir, I think I found the perfect guy. He’s a successful businessman.

The Speaker: That’s great.

William: He worked for Reagan in the 80s.

The Speaker: Oh, fantastic.

William: And he has the body of a baby.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, what was that last one?

William: Please meet Mr. Patterson, sir.

[Dick Patterson walks in. He is a full grown man who cannot control his body well like that of baby’s. He is moving his arms and legs everywhere.]

Dick Patterson: Hello. Don’t get up. I’ll come to you. There we go. Mr speaker, Dick Patterson. Pleased to meet you.

The Speaker: Pleasure is all mine. [Dick Patterson starts licking and sucking The Speaker’s hand] Oh, okay. William here was just telling me some wonderful things about you, Mr. Patterson. Uh, would you give us just one moment please?

[The Speaker walks to the corner with William]

William: Isn’t he great? I mean, he’s fresh faced. He’s experienced. The best of all, he’s young.

The Speaker: Yeah, exactly. How young is he? He’s 5The Speaker and nine months. And we’ve already done a thorough background check.

Dick Patterson: Oh, don’t worry. You won’t find any skeletons in my closet.

The Speaker: [reading Dick Patterson’s files] Alright, well let me take a look here.

[While Dick Patterson is reading the file, Dick Patterson cannot see his face covered by the file.]

Dick Patterson: Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is. He keeps disapp–

[Dick Patterson raises the file]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lower the file]

There he is. Found him.

The Speaker: Well, this all looks great. Now, Mr. Patterson. As you know, Donald Trump is technically our nominee, but uh, many people think we’d be better off putting a Turkey on the Supreme court.

[Dick Patterson laughs like a baby]

Dick Patterson: Very funny. Listen, I would be honored to represent this party. [Dick Patterson has his hands moving everywhere] I’m pro-life. I’m pro family and I’m pro guns. I’m actually carrying right now. [Dick Patterson shows a gun in his left hand which is moving everywhere. William and The Speaker are scared.]

The Speaker: Sit down. No, no, no, no, no.

Dick Patterson: Fair enough.

The Speaker: Now before this conversation can go any further, we’re going to need you to sign this confidentiality agreement.

Dick Patterson: Oh, sure. Yeah. Just put it on the floor.

[Dick Patterson lies down on the floor]

[The Speaker puts the papers on the floor]

Alright. Let me take a look at this.

[Dick Patterson is looking at the paper]

Alright.

[Dick Patterson signs the papers very roughly]

All set.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, William. I just don’t know if this, we’ll call him man, is ready to be president.

William: Trust me sir. He’s committed. He’s passionate. He’s a hard worker. I mean, look how hard he’s working to get back onto his butt right now.

Dick Patterson: Look. I did it. [clapping for himself]

William: Speaker, I know we’re probably going to go with Trump, but Mr. Patterson would be an excellent backup. He’s tough. He’s prepared. And he’s, he’s, he’s taken off.

[Dick Patterson opens his pants. He’s wearing a diaper.]

Dick Patterson: Okay. There we go. That’s better.

William: Sir, sir, sir. You can just go ahead and put your pants back on if you will.

Dick Patterson: When I don’t want pants.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Mr. speaker. Sorry to interrupt. You have a two o’clock with Reince Priebus.

[Dick Patterson walks to Cecily]

Dick Patterson: Oh wow. Look at that hair.

[Dick Patterson starts pulling Cecily’s hair]

Cecily: Thank you.

Dick Patterson: Yeah. Really great hair. I love this.

[Cecily is in pain]

Cecily: Thank you so much.

[Cecily gets Dick Patterson’s hands off her hair]

Wow. Quite a grip you’ve got there, Mr. Patterson.

[Cecily leaves]

William: He may have the body of a baby, but his hands are much bigger and stronger than Trump’s if I had to say.

The Speaker: Oh, William. Well, Mr. Patterson, I guess I just have one question left for you. Do you actually want to be president? Think really hard about it.

Dick Patterson: Hmm. [thinking] Yes I do.

William: Alright, you’re our best option, so bring it in.

[William hugs Dick Patterson. Dick Patterson starts kissing William’s face]

Oh, that’s not what we– Oh, okay. I just asked for a hug, but this is fine too. He must be hungry and he’s trying to latch onto me.

The Speaker: [frustrated] It was great meeting you, Mr. Patterson. Enjoy your lunch.

Dick Patterson: I’m gonna eat peas.

[Dick Patterson crawls out]

[The End]

Drake’s Beef

Drake

Vanessa Bayer

Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

Lorne Michaels

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Drake’s Beef video bumper]

[Cut to four colleagues talking to each other]

Vanessa: You know, I never use this word, but I said, “That was cray!”

[everybody laughing]

[Drake walks in]

Drake: What’s up guys?

All: Hey!

Drake: I’m having just a little trouble with the TV most. I was just wondering if you guys could fix it.

Pete: Oh yeah. Usually you just get the remote and you press on. You don’t have TVs in Canada?

[everybody laughing]

Drake: No, we have TVs in Canada.

Pete: I know. I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding man.

Drake: Yeah, I know.

Vanessa: Yeah. I was just saying like, I don’t use the word ‘cray’ very often, but I used it and it gets…

[Drake is getting angry]

[rap beat starts playing]

[Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Yo, F* you Pete
you made a fool out of me

I used to trust you dawg
Now you embarrassing me

and you’re skinny as hell
and you make me mad
you think you funny, huh?
Well, you ain’t Josh GAD

and you tattoo sucks
you’re the guy no one likes

We used to be best friends
Now we foes for life
Damn!

[Cut to Drake walking the hallway]

[Drake runs into Leslie. She is using her phone]

Drake: What’s up, Leslie?

Leslie: Huh?

Drake: No, I was just saying. I was like, “What’s up, Leslie?”

Leslie: Ay, man! I’m sorry. I- was just distracted. Check you later.

[Leslie walks away using her phone]

[Drake is getting angry]

[rap beat starts playing]

[Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Oh you icing me b*
what did I do to you?
you used to be my best friend
now I’ll never trust you
is it stuff that I said?
cause if not that’s wack
most people I know
they would have said hi back

Damn!

[gun shot sound]

[Cut to Drake sitting alone.]

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hey. Anybody using this chair?

[There’s Drake’s hat on the chair. Aidy puts the hat on the table and sit on the chair.]

[Drake is getting angry]

[rap beat starts playing]

[Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Actually I was you bitch
It was for my hat
but for took it from me
Now we nevergoing back
I can never trust you
coz you a ruin to my hat
If Josh GAD was here
he would have made me laugh

damn!

[gunshot sounds]

[Cut to Drake sitting alone. He drinks water out of bottle. There’s a little water left in the bottle.]

[Janitor walks in]

Drake: Hi there.

[The janitor takes the bottle and puts it on the trash]

Oh, I actually wasn’t done.

[The janitor looks at Drake and walks away]

[Drake is getting angry]

[rap beat starts playing]

[Cut to Drake rapping]

[rapping] I said I wasn’t done
you little f* ice cream
I had like 10 sips left
you just so damn men
Now I got no friends
and I’ve got no water
and I lost my hat

Damn!

[machine gun sound]

[Cut to Drake sitting in the dressing room]

[Lorne Michaels walks in]

Lorne: Drizzy. How’s it going?

Drake: Oh! I feel like– I feel like it’s going great.

Lorne: [patting on Drake’s shoulder] You’re doing a good job.

[Drake is getting angry]

[rap beat starts playing]

[Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Good job. That’s it?
I’m doing great, you bitch!
Say that again to my face
then suck my d*

[Cut back to Drake and Lorne]

Lorne: Drake, everything okay?

Drake: Um, yeah. Yeah. Everyone’s so nice here. You know?

[Cut to Drake’s rapping video.]

[machine gun sound]

[The End]

Drake Monologue

Drake

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Drake.

[Drake walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Drake: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s great to be back on SNL. Where’s Toronto at? Toronto in the house tonight? Yeah? So, as you can tell, I’m from Canada and I know what you’re thinking, but no, you can not move in with me if Trump wins. I’m sorry. That’s a no. I really am glad to be here, but you’ll have to excuse me if I seem a little upset. Backstage, right before I came out, my friend showed me this meme he found online and it, and it just, it really shook me. It was a picture of me dancing in my Hotline Bling video and some joker had put a caption on it that said “when you farted and got away with it.” And if I’m being real, like it hurts, you know. Seems like this keeps happening to me. I dunno. It’s almost like all I can do is sing about it. So…

[Drake gets a mic]

I’m ready.

[singing] Drink Swiss with some old friends
That’s when it happens again
I start I hearing from a whole fam

that I got cloud on Instagram
trying to hide my reaction
when I read the funny caption
feels like I’m in a bad dream
cause I got turned into another meme, yeah.

I just wanna scream
that I’m more than a meme, that’s right
I just wanna scream
that I’m more than a meme, that’s right
catch me looking with those bedroom eyes
asking if you’re gonna finish those fries?
trying to say you really care about me
But then you put my picture on E T

how can I explain to my mama
when you got my beard on Obama
I do not complain, I’m not a whiner,
but why am I sitting on the Seinfeld diner?
I feel like I’m swimming up stream
against everybody’s memes
Why do they attack me?
And then in fact my favorite team

Look, I’m not just a picture, I have feelings too

Like how would you feel if it happened to you?
if I came after you did a meme or hurting?
Yeah, cause your sketch got cut at the dress rehearsal? Aidy?
What if I found your moment of pain
and use the ball Mount comedy game
now you know what I mean?
I am more than a memed

and look, I get that my face is expressive,
but some of that means all that an aggressive,
I would just say it’s a little excessive
when you go make me the face of Progressive

and the meaning gets distorted
I can only help but feel like crying Jordan
I’m more than a meme

Oh ladies and gentlemen, do I have a treat for you tonight? Rihanna is here tonight. Make some noise.

[Rihanna’s ‘Work’ starts playing]

[Drake wears a wig]

Oh, I’m so excited to be here. Oh my god! Oh my god!

Yeah.

See Drake in a meme, meme, meme, meme, meme, meme
But I got them unseen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen
I swear we only friend, friend, friend, friend, friends

Alright, Rihanna is incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for her, please.

For me it’s take it as a side of self esteem
feels like I’m the victim of the internet scheme
It’s just hard than it seems
You don’t love me for me, you just love me for memes

Listen, we’ve got a great show. Drake is here as musical guest. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Donald Trump’s Vice President Cold Open

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ivanka Trump… Vanessa

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Donald Trump speaking on the phone in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: No, it’s true. I’m telling you. Mr. Trump is the real life inspiration for Ironman. Who am I? I’m his publicist, Joey Pepperoni. No, I’m not Donald Trump in disguise. This is just what classing people sound like. Okay.

[Ivanka Trump walks in]

Ivanka: Dad, Chris Christie is here. He sort of wants to discuss potential vice-presidents. Uh, he’s sort of been waiting downstairs for two hours.

Donald Trump: Fine. Send him in.

[Chris Christie walks in]

Chris Christie: Hey, is that Joey pepperoni I see? Seriously though. Donald, I’m honored that you asked me to help you find your next VP.

Donald Trump: I appreciate your help. I really do. I need someone experienced, loyal, strong.

Chris Christie: Yeah. That sounds like somebody I know. It sounds like Chris Christie. Wait, who said that? Did you hear that? Why did that come from?

Donald Trump: Whatever? What have you got for me?

Chris Christie: Uh, well I thought one strong option could be a Jeb Bush.

[Donald Trump and Chris Christie laughing hard]

Okay, but seriously, what about Carly Fiorina?

Donald Trump: I do feel a kinship with Carly. She’s also an outsider who ran a very unsuccessful business.

Chris Christie: She can help you with your woman problem too. I mean, women look up to her.

Donald Trump: For what? She’s a big cup, tops.

Chris Christie: [laughing] That is very good. I wish I could work for someone as funny as you have some day. [giggling] Okay. Moving on. How about a guy from a swing state, Florida? He’s a half Hispanic with a proven track record of standing up for himself.

Donald Trump: George Zimmerman.

Chris Christie: No, no, no, no, no, no. Marco Rubio.

Donald Trump: Oh, little Martha. I can’t ask him to be VP until his parents signed the release form. I need someone who can lead. Where do I find that?

Chris Christie: It beats me. [showing his own photo] Oh my God. How did this get in here? Now, that is crazy. Look at that. Maybe. Yes, maybe. No, maybe. Yeah. Okay. All right. Now this next one, it’s a little outside the box, but I feel very strongly about it. Hear me out. Bruce Springsteen. I mean, come on! He’s the boss. You’re the boss. He was born to run.

Donald Trump: He is a Democrat.

Chris Christie: [yelling He is a god. I’m sorry. Do you have any idea, sir?

Donald Trump: What about John Kasich? He’s smart, experienced. He can help us in Ohio.

Chris Christie: He said he’s not interested.

Donald Trump: He’s a loser. Big fat loser. What about Nikki Haley?

Chris Christie: Also interested.

Donald Trump: Ted Cruz?

Chris Christie: Hard no.

Donald Trump: Paul Ryan?

Chris Christie: He said, not right now, but he will see you in hell.

Donald Trump: Lindsey Graham.

Chris Christie: He said he would love to, but then he laughed so hard that I had to walk away.

Donald Trump: It doesn’t make any sense. Why doesn’t anyone want to be my VP?

Chris Christie: If I may be so bold, sir? I think anyone who didn’t want to be your VP would be a damn fool. [music playing] You are such a special candidate. Maybe, just maybe, the person you’ve been looking for this whole time standing in this room right now.

Donald Trump: You are so right. Ben Carson, you want to be vice president?

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Oh, that would be hell exciting.

Donald Trump: Great. Let’s do it.

All: And live from New York it’s Saturday Night.

[The End]