Tag: season 41

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking October 2015 at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: October is Polish American Heritage Month. For more information about Poland, you can google it by sticking out your finger and having two other people move the keyboard up and down.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of California at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in California are searching for the person who broke into a woman’s house and stole a box containing her late husband’s ashes. It’s like they always say, “No matter what, some bitches always tryna take your man!”

[Picture changes to a Walmart logo and a cop car]

Pennsylvania police arrested a man how was caught masturbating in a Walmart parking lot. That’s how low their prices are.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Walmart logo and a cop car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In his defense, he was technically in the loading zone.

Michael Che: No!

[Picture changes to McDonald’s logo and map of New Hampshire]

Colin Jost: A man in New Hampshire was arrested for throwing objects around a local McDonald’s after he ordered a burger without pickles and was given a burger with pickles. The man was embarrassed by the outburst but he doesn’t think it will hurt his campaign [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] for president.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of police badge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A police officer in Alabama is retiring after working for 35 years without ever taking a sick day. “What can I say?” said the officer, “I hate my family!”

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of planet Mars at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Researchers have announced they have found the strongest evidence yet of flowing water on Mars. Sadly, all the fountains had signs that read, [Picture changes to drinking water fountain with alien sign on it] “Greens only”. You got long way to go on that planet too.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new poll of republican voters shows that Donald Trump is now tied with Ben Carson for first place. With both candidates polling an exactly too many percent (toomany%).

[The picture changes to a Burgen King’s black burger.]

Burger King has introduced a Halloween themed burger that has a black bun. Oh, sure, but when I turn black for Halloween, I’m setting back race relation.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che. Michael Che is not happy with Colin Jost’s joke]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a book ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I begged you not to do that. The author who wrote children’s book under the name Lemony Snicket, announced that he is donating $1 million to Planned Parenthood. It’s an amount that will cover a whole series of Unfortunate Events.

[The picture changes to a sea turtle]

Scientists have discovered a sea turtle in the south pacific that is the first glowing reptile ever found. And this just in, it’s been shot by a dentist.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Garth Brooks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Garth Brooks claims that he has lost all of the new material for an upcoming album after his phone containing the songs died. Or, more likely, killed itself.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up everyone?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

At a town hall even in New Hampshire this week, Jeb Bush criticized Donald Trump saying he can’t take criticism and needs to “put on his big boy pants.” But I don’t know. Things haven’t been going great recently for guys with big boy pants.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden has said he will not participate in the first democratic presidential debate but CNN says they’re still holding an empty podium in case he decides to show up last minute. Which makes me wonder, how boring is this debate gonna be? I mean, the first podium is empty, then you got the [Picture changes to Hillary Clinogn] woman who has already won, [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] the human Lorax, [Picture changes to three other men] and three mannequins from Joseph A Bank. Che, I’ll give you $1 million right now if you can name any one of those guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Um, Chuck Woolery.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: See? And that might have been right. I don’t even know. You can’t even google these guys. You google them, Google’s just like, “Pass!” The only way to make this debate interesting is to have Trump moderate it. Or you have Hillary moderate it and just make it a job interview for Vice President.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton greeting people with audio saying, “I’m Hillary Clinton and I approve this joke.”]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis and Kim Davis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: They said Friday that the Pope’s meeting with Kim Davis was just part of a greeting with several other people and does not indicate his support for her position. Yikes! Way to throw her under the [picture changes to a car] Fiat!

[Picture changes to Kim Davis] I mean, of course the Pope would meet with Kim Davis. He’s the pope. That’s his job. He gives hope to the hopeless. The prisoners, the sick, [Picture changes to John Boehner] John Boehner. The pope should be with people who need god the most. If I was pope, I’d be eating Subway sandwiches with Bill Cosby right now. We’d have a lot to talk about.

And say what you will about Kim Davis, but she’s really living a charmed life. I mean, a simple southern woman meeting all these famous and powerful people. She’s like a homophobic Forest Gump.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Also, her husband definitely looks like Bubba.

The Squad trailer

Aidy Bryant

Venessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

[Cut to young people having a house party]

Male voice: The world was their’s until one day.

[Cut to Aidy and Venessa in the car. Venessa is driving.]

Aidy: We’re gonna be friends forever, right? Like, even after graduation?

Venessa: Are you kidding me? All we need is each other.

Male voice: The world changed.

[The radio starts making sounds. Aidy and Venessa look at the radio screen when they get into an accident.]

[Cut to Venessa waking up in the hospital]

[heart rate monitor sound]

Venessa: Hello? Hello?

[Venessa walks out of the room. The hospital is empty. She sees Aidy there too.]

Aidy: What’s going on?

Male voice: In the future.

TV: From Tokyo to London, New York, Bangkok–

[Next channel]

TV: Taylor Swift.

[Next channel]

TV: Taylor Swift.

[Next channel]

TV: Taylor Swift.

[Aidy and Venessa get out. The roads are empty.]

Male voice: It will reach a critical mass.

[Cut to Aidy and Venessa walking in an empty street]

Aidy: Oh, my god! Where did everybody go?

Male voice: In 2015, Taylor Swift created her squad. By the end of her tour, the entire world had joined.

[Cut to a huge poster or Taylor Swift being placed in a tall building of the city.]

[Cut to Aidy, Venessa and Kenan]

Kenan: First, it was the models. Then the athletes. Then it was everybody. Police, fire department, Matt LeBlanc. [starts crying]

Aidy: Did you lose someone?

Kenan: Daughters. Two of them. Squad took them.

Venessa: Where are they now?

Kenan: I don’t know. Probably having some sort of taco night.

[Cut to a city. There’s a huge smoke coming out of a building.]

Male voice: It wanted to collect the whole world.

[Cut to Kenan being pulled by someone]

Kenan: Ah! I’m going to meet Taylor.

[Cut to Aidy and Venessa walking]

Male voice: Until there was no world left to collect.

[! looking at the Instagram]

Venessa: What do they do all day?

Aidy: She invites them on stage and they like, walk around for a minute or something.

Venessa: And then? What?

Aidy: That’s it!

Kenan: It’s cold. It’s getting colder. All the craps are dying.

[Cut to Aidy seeing a dream of a model calling her to join the squad.]

[Aidy wakes up]

Venessa: What was that?

Aidy: I think it was a model who does acting now.

[Cut to a truck full of men with a speaker searching for people.]

Speaker: Join us. Everybody! We’re going to layout a matching American flag towels.

Venessa: Who even owns an American flag towel?

Aidy: I think Taylor provides them. She’s actually very generous with her friends.

Venessa: What is happening to you?

Aidy: I don’t know. I think I might feeling her whole deal.

[Cut to Aidy in front of the beam light]

Aidy: I’m ready.

Venessa: Don’t go!

Aidy: Taylor!

[Aidy can’t be seen because of the beam light.]

Male voice: The Squad. Directed by Alfonso Cuaron.

[Cut to Venessa in the empty road]

Venessa: Okay, Taylor. I’m ready. Just, wherever you are. Can kind of sweep me up or whatever.

The Millenials

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Miley Cyrus

Kenan Thompson

Jaden… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: This fall, FOX presents a workplace drama unlike anything you’ve ever seen.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: It took 25 years of work and sacrifice to climb my way to top of this company. But finally, I’m here.

[Kate walks in. She is busy using her phone.]

Kate: [speaking without looking at Taran] Hi. I know you’re talking to yourself at the window. But I need promotion.

Taran: I’m sorry. What do you want?

Kate: A promotion. And I don’t want it. I deserve it.

Taran: W-w-why? How long have you even worked here?

Kate: Three full days.

Taran: I’m sorry. Who are you again?

[Kate is smiling and looking at the camera]

[Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials.

[Cut to Taran and Kate]

Taran: I’m sorry. Let me get this straight. You worked here for three days and you expect a promotion?

Kate: Um, yeah! Nothing crazy like, maybe Director of communications, or executive creator or pictures.

Taran: Pictures?

Kate: Yeah. I know Photoshop. Now, I’m gonna take a nap. Where’s the nap room?

[Kate leaves]

[Cut to Taran looking confused.]

[Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials. A show that explores what no other dares to. Beautiful 20 something’s trying to find the success and love they’re entitled to.

[Cut to Pete and Miley in the office. Both of them are busy using their phones.]

Pete: Hey.

Miley: Hi.

Pete: I think you’re cute.

Miley: You do?

Pete: Yeah. I’m looking at picture of you and it’s really hot.

Miley: Oh, my god! You just fav-ed it? This is moving too fast. I mean I don’t even know how I identify.

Pete: Well, I identify as gay but I only sleep with women.

Miley: That’s very brave. I’m just gender lazy

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Oh, great! We’re talking about gender again.

[Cut to Miley and Kenan]

Miley: Oh, yeah! I’m so glad you’re here. I need to go south of France to get some perspective.

[Kenan is confused]

Kenan: So, you’re quitting?

Miley: No, I’m not a quitter. I just won’t be here at all. Dang!

Kenan: Well, we actually need you here to do your job.

Miley: [overreacting] Stop yelling at me. This is an assault.

[Cut to Pete, Miley and Kenan]

Pete: [shouting] Stop attacking her.

Miley: Ah!

[Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials. Variety’s Brian Lowry says, “I met the cast and they were even more irritating than the characters they play”.

[Cut to Kate, Pete, Miley and Jaden. Jaden is at the window with his one leg over the window. Kate, Pete and Miley are busy using phone.]

Miley: Jaden, don’t do it!

Kate: Get away from that window.

[Cut to Jaden]

Jaden: I can’t go on like this. I cant… even!

[Kate, Pete and Miley. They’re busy using phone and are not even looknig at Jaden]

Miley: No! Don’t!

[Cut to Taran and Kenan looking at the others.]

Kenan: Do it! Do it!

Taran: Just do it!

[Cut to Jaden]

Jaden: Don’t try to stop me. I’ve been planning this. I’m taking a break from social media. [Jaden takes his phone out and takes a selfie. Then he throws the phone out of the window.]

[Cut to Kate, Pete and Miley]

Kate, Pete and Miley: No!

[Cut to Jaden]

Jaden: Oh, god! What have I done? I’ll be back in a second.

[Jaden jumps out of the window and falls]

[Cut to Kate, Pete and Miley]

Kate, Pete and Miley: Oh, my god!

[they run towards the window and start taking pictures]

[Cut to Kenan and Taran]

Taran: I hate these kids.

Kenan: Um-hmm!

[Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials.

[The End]

Miley Cyrus monologue

Miley Cyrus

Rachel Dolezal… Venessa Bayer

Dentist… Taran Killam

Kim Davis… Aidy Bryant

Twerp… Kate McKinnon

Pizza rat… Kenan Thompson

Meek Mill… Michael Che

Drake appear… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Miley Cyrus.

[Miley Cyrus walks in and to the stage. She is wearing a dress with many colorful flowers on it.]

[cheers and applause]

Miley Cyrus: Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you very much. It is so great to be here hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. I love hosting this show because it’s live. So, my parents know where I am for at least 90 minutes. And although tonight, I am on a seven second delay, not a television delay, it’s just when you smoke as much as I do, you’re always on a seven second delay. And, while I’m excited to be here, I’m also kind of sad because it feels like the summer of 2015 has officially come to an end.[music playing] And with that in mind, I’d like to take a moment to say goodbye, to all of those who made this summer what it was. [someone hands over a mic to Miley Cyrus] And while we never thing of any of these people ever, ever again, they certainly did this summer their way.

[singing] And now, the end is near
I’m so afraid, the final curtain

[Rachel Dolezal ‘Claimed to be black for twenty years’ at right side]

my friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll take my case of which I am certain

[The dentist who killed Cecil the Lion at left side]

I believe life is full
I travel each and every highway

[Kim Davis appears at right side]

The more, slowing this
I did it my way
regrets, I’ve had a few
but then I get, too few to mention

[‘That twerp who raised the price of AIDS medication’ at the right side]

I did what I had to do
and saw it through without redemption

[Pizza rat appears at the right side]

I played each journey

[Meek Mill and Drake beef at left side]

and each and every step out of my way

[‘Lenny Cravitz’s Junk’ at right side. Kim Davis is walking behind him with her arms raised.]

and all of this, I did it my way
yes, there were times
I’m so, you knew,
we know how I bit on
more than I could chew
but through it all
I did it all

[Everybody comes to the stage]

Thank you. Thank you so much. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. I’m here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Katz’ Deli

Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Miley Cyrus

Ronda… Leslie Jones

Waiter… Jon Rudnitsky

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with women colleagues having meal at a restaurant]

Venessa: It’s so cool this place is right around the corner from the office.

Cecily: Yeah, I can’t believe this is the actual table where Meg Ryan had that famous fake orgasm scene.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Oh! ‘When Harry met Sally’ is my favorite movie.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I must have seen it 50 times.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I must have seen it 100 times.

[Cut to Ronda. She is bored.]

Ronda: Let’s talk about something else please.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: Guys, you know what would be fun?

Miley: Oh, I think where you’re going with this.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Me too. We order a big old plate of potato salad in Pig Out.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I’m gonna do the Meg Ryan part.

Miley: Oh, go ahead girl. I am sure people do it here all the time.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay. I’ll be Billy Crystal. Okay. [acting] Sally, no one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell. It’s pretty good.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

Miley: Oh, my god! You are so crazy! I wanna try.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, okay. No one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell–

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You know. You don’t have to do that every time.

[Cut to Miley]

Miley: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! [laughing] Actually what I do when I fake it.

Cecily: You had me convinced. Hey, you do it Ronda.

[Cut to Ronda shaking her head]

Ronda: No!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: It’s fun. Just do what you do when you have an orgasm.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Oh! Alright! Alright! Let me see. Let me see. Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah! [smiling] Yeah!

Miley: There you go, Ronda! You’re getting into it.

[Cut to everybody]

Ronda: Oh. [yelling] Oh, man! Oh god! This is good! [others are looking around embarrassed] You’re blowing my mind with the little pecker man! That thing sneaks up on your bro, hot dough! I mean you got it all, baby. Little pecker! [smiling] Good pumps. Faaan-tastic! Oh, no! [yelling] The condom busted! I can’t have a freaking baby! I’m a dancer!

[others are embarrassed]

That was fun. That was fun. Is that like they do it in the movie?

Miley: Not really. [Cut to Cecily and Miley] It’s more like a real orgasm.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Oh! Okay. I get it now. I get it.

[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Are you ladies ready to order?

Ronda: Um, we actually need another minute.

[Waiter walks away]

Cecily: I could have ordered.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Okay. Um, um.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, we’re not doing that anymore. Honey, okay?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: [closing eyes] Oh, yeah! [yelling] This feels so good, good, freaking!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Ronda!

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted through!

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Again?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: I can’t have your baby, Marco! You are my brother’s husband!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: What?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Don’t cry, Marco. If you cry, I’ll cry. You gotta stay with my brother, finish out the con. Hold on a minute, Marco. [yelling] Occupied! O-ccu-pied!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Wait! You’re in a bathroom?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Clean it later! We’re using it.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: So, that’s all happening while you’re orgasming?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in.]

Waiter: Right! Are you ladies ready to order yet?

Venessa: God, yes! Thank you. Okay, three turkey sandwiches and big old plate of potato salad?

[Cut to Ronda showing her thumbs up.]

[Cut to everybody]

Waiter: Um, fun fact, did you know this is the actual table from ‘When Harry Met Sally’?

Miley: Yes. Yes. We did know that. Thankyou.

Ronda: Yeah. I liked the scene where she’s like, [Cut to Ronda] “Oh, yes! Yes! Give it to me Marco. What’s that Marco? You got a surprise for me? Well, where is it? Under the covers? I don’t see what the– [yelling] A dutch oven? Marco! Pulling the sheets over someone’s head and farting is sign of disrespect in this country. I got so much to teach you, Marco. [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted again! You’re little pecker is too sharp!”

[Cut to everybody. They’re all embarrassed.]

[Cut to Kate sitting in another table staring at Ronda]

Kate: I’ll have what she’s having.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: She’s having a big old plate of potato salad.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, then definitely not. I’ll have a soup, hot!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I’m not the waiter.

[Cut to everybody]

Venessa: Let’s get out of here. I know a place that’s marvelous, baby! Perfect Billy Crystals.

[The End]

Hillary Clinton and Hillary Clinton

Beck Bennett

Miley Cyrus

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Bartender… Hillary Clinton

Taran Killam

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with a couple in a restaurant]

Beck: Did you see Trump on a rally this week?

Miley: Oh, love that guy. He just says whatever he wants.

Beck: Yeah. My tops are Trump and then black doctor.

Miley: I don’t know. I kind of like Carly Fiorina.

Beck: Yes, she’d make the best first female president. Don’t you think?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Cecily sitting on the bar booth listening to people talk]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, man! Why won’t the people just let me lead?

Cecily: You know what?

Hillary Clinton: Just give me the hammer and the nails and let me fix it all!

Cecily: Hillary, I think that you’ve heard enough in here. Let’s get out of here.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, you go ahead. I’m gonna have one more drink. Hey Bartender, keep on coming!

[Bartender pours a drink for Hillary Clinton]

[cheers and applause]

Bartender: Rough night?

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, you could say that. Whoo! Hi! I’m Hillary Rodham Clinton.

[Hillary Clinton shakes hands with Bartender]

Bartender: Hey, great name. I’m Vale. So, Hillary, what brings you here tonight?

Hillary Clinton: Well, I needed to blow out some steam. I’ve had a hard couple of 22 years.

Bartender: Why? What do you do for a living?

Hillary Clinton: Well, first, I am a grandmother. And second, I am a human and trusted with this one green earth.

Bartender: Oh, I get it. You’re a politician.

Hillary Clinton: Yes! And how about you?

Bartender: Me? I’m just an ordinary citizen who believes the Keystone pipeline will destroy our environment.

Hillary Clinton: I agree with you there. It did take me a long time to decide that, but I am against it.

Bartender: You know, nothing wrong with taking your time. What’s important is getting it right.

Hillary Clinton: Yes. I’ll drink to that. God, I love scalding hot vodka.

Bartender: You know, I just realized, I never checked your ID.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] ID? Come on, please! I have a one year old granddaughter. She calls me madam president.

Bartender: I never would have guessed. You give up such a young cool vibe, you must work in Brooklyn.

Hillary Clinton: Yes! Somewhere in there. Yes!

[Taran comes in]

Taran: Hi, hi, Mrs. Clinton. I’m so sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say my sister’s gay. So, thank you for all you’ve done for gay marriage.

[Hillary Clinton shakes hands with Taran]

Hillary Clinton: Well, you’re welcome.

[Taran walks away]

Bartender: It really is great how long you’ve supported gay marriate.

Hillary Clinton: Yes. I could have supported it sooner.

Bartender: Well, you did pretty soon.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, could have been sooner.

Bartender: Fair point.

Hillary Clinton: Well, let us then tap our fists in friendship. Oh there, I’m just so darn bumped. All anyone wants to talk about is Donald Trump.

Bartender: Donald Trump? Isn’t he the one that’s like, [impersonating Donald Trump] “Uh, you’re all losers?”

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] That is him. That is him.

Bartender: I mean, do you think he will win the primaries?

Hillary Clinton: He must. I wanna be the one to take him down. I will destroy him and I will mount his hair in the Oval Office.

Bartender: Well, that’s kind of a lot. Maybe you should take a vacation.

Hillary Clinton: A va-cushion?

Bartender: a vacation.

Hillary Clinton: Va-can-change? What did you say?

Bartender: A vacation.

[Bill Clinton interrupts]

Bill Clinton: Did somebody say vacation?

[cheers and applause]

[Bill Clinton looks at Hillary Clinton and Bartender]

Oh, my god! They’re multiplying!

[Bill Clinton runs away]

Hillary Clinton: Well, I guess I should get going. But, this has been so nice. You are really easy to talk to.

Bartender: Oh, thanks. You know, that’s a first time I’ve ever heard that.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, Vale, Vale, I wish you could be president.

Bartender: Yeah, me too.

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: You know what, Vale, [music playing] I’ve learnt something from you tonight.

[singing] Sometimes in our lives

we all have pain, we all have sorrow

Hillary Clinton and Bartender: But, if we are wise

we know that there’s always tomorrow

Hillary Clinton: Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
Cecily: Hillary! Hillary! What are you doing?

Hillary Clinton: Oh, I was just hanging out with my best friend Vale.

[Hillary Clinton looks around]

Well, where is she?

Cecily: Um, there’s nobody here. I think you’ve had one too many, Hillary. Let’s go.

Hillary Clinton: No. She was real, and smart, and really nice in person.

Cecily: Okay, Hillary. Whatever you say.

Hillary Clinton: Where is she? [looks down] Wait, what’s this?

[Hillary Clinton picks up a sandal from the floor]

I hard tan business shoe. I was right. She is real.

[Hillary Clinton starts dancing alone.]

Donald and Melania Trump Cold Open

Donald Trump… Taran Killam

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Donald Trump and Melania Trump delivering Donald Trump’s message]

Male voice: And now, a message from Donald & Melania Trump.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Good evening. As the man who’s almost certainly the next president, I wanted to give you a chance to get to know the real Donald. Now, you’re probably looking at this lovely woman and thinking, “Whoa! Who’s this? Another bangable daughter?” Actually, it’s my beautiful wife Melania.

Melania Trump: Hello.

Donald Trump: She’s great. Just great.

Melania Trump: Welcome to our humble gold house.

Donald Trump: Not bad, right? I mean, talk about foreign policy experience, we got the same interior decorator as Sadam Hussain. Now, I asked Melania to be here tonight to help me clear up some of the lies that these losers and morons are saying about me. Like, that I hate women. How can I hate women when I’ve got the world’s greatest woman right here.

Melania Trump: [with Solvenian accent] Yes, Donald loves women, you know? He always saying, “That woman is knock-out. That woman is a 10. That woman used to be a 10, but hey, she’s still a 7.” You know? He always very supportive to me. Like, when I ask to go spa or go shopping, you know, he always say, “That’s fine. Go!”

Donald Trump: All of this stuff’s being blown out of proportion. I mean like, the Megyn Kelly stuff.

Melania Trump: Yes, people say he was not nice to her, but he was worried, you know? He said, “She’s bleeding everywhere. She needs to go to hospital.”

Donald Trump: That’s right. I was actually afraid she was gonna die. Honestly! I love Megyn Kelly. I love her. I think she is great. She is talented and beautiful, but she is a woman who is always on her period and I hate her and I hope she dies.

Melania Trump: You know, I think they always twist this words. Like, with immigration.

Donald Trump: Clearly, I don’t hate immigrants. [Donald Trump points at Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Yes, I know he is pro-immigration because I was in Slovenia and Donald saw a picture of me in a magazine and he called me and said, “Hey, come to America.”

Donald Trump: It’s very true.

Melania Trump: And I said, “I can’t come, you crazy old man. I don’t have green card.” And he said, “Screw green card. That’s for poor people. Just get over here.” You know, he said, “What can they do? Round about the illegal immigrants and deport them? That’s impossible logistically. How are they gonna find everyone?”

Donald Trump: Well, we’ll find a way.

Melania Trump: You know, Donald is so smart, he is so good with the media, you know? He know that if he said craziest things, he will go up in the poll numbers.

Donald Trump: No, no. Come on, Melania. That’s just not true. I just say outrageous things just for poll numbers. I speak from my heart.

Melania Trump: Really? Okay, because I hear your numbers go down a little this week.

Donald Trump: Mexicans are stealing our children.

Melania Trump: You see? He does not even have to think about it. He’s genius.

Donald Trump: Thank you, darling.

Melania Trump: You know, that’s why I don’t know how critics say he has no ideas or plans because he has so many. Tell them your plans for economy.

Donald Trump: Well, it’s very simple. I get in there, taxes go down, everybody gets a job, salaries go way up, we build a wall, it’s huge! Over in China, they’re gonna say, “Now, that’s a wall!”

Melania Trump: You see, this is how I know Donald is so smart because I hear this and to me, it’s just jumble of words. Like, it makes no sense. But you know, I’m not smart like Donald. I didn’t go to Hogwart school of business.

Donald Trump: You wanna know my plan? Here’s my plan. I got the smartest guys. [pauses for a moment] So, what do you think? Are you ready to do this, America?

Melania Trump: Yes, please. Put Donald in the White House. You know, he is total package. He is strong–

Donald Trump: I didn’t ask you to say that.

Melania Trump: He is wise.

Donald Trump: This is all off the cuff.

Melania Trump: He is good in bed.

Donald Trump: Those are her words.

Melania Trump: You know, and he is the only man who can unite both sides.

Donald Trump: Aw!

Melania Trump: Because he’s running as republican but his ideas are actually more like democrats.

Donald Trump: That’s not really–

Melania Trump: Yeah! Actually, he was democrat before he was republican.

Donald Trump: I think we’re getting a little off topic.

Melania Trump: And then social issues, you know, you can be gay, you can have abortion, he don’t care.

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Bop-bop-bep-bep-bep! Look, here’s the bottom line, I’m just like you, a regular joke, but better. A man of the people.

Melania Trump: Yes. Like everyone else, he puts hair on one strain at a time.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Yeah, and like everybody, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

American Voices about the talk show

Ruby Nichols… Leslie Jones

Janine Katz… Sasheer Zamata

Jackie Katz… Kyle Mooney

Absin… Kenan Thompson

Mom… Cecily Strong

Regie… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with American Voices intro]

Male voice: Tonight on American Voices. Corso, Litterman, Leno, Falon. The late night talk show landscape has been home to some of America’s great talents. All of them fun. And just about all of them, men. But was it always this way? [A picture of Ruby Nichols appear] Actually, one of Television’s very first talk shows was hosted by an African-American woman, comedian Ruby Nichols.

[Cut to Janine Katz- Ruby’s Granddaughter]

Janine Katz: My grandmother started out in the 1940 on the legendary Chitland circuit doing party records like, Skunkment for Supper, and Who Sat On These Biscuits? But her big break came when she married my grandfather, TV producer Jackie Kats.

[Cut to a picture of Jackie Katz and Ruby Nichols hugging]

[Cut to Janine Katz]

Unfortunately this show had a couple of obstacles to overcome. Their band leader was blinded in an auto-plant accident. And they shot it in Atlanta which still wasn’t fully desegregated.

[Cut to Too Late with Ruby Nichols video bumper]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Ruby Nichols]

Ruby Nichols: Thank you. Thank you. You all see this? They had a big Hollywood movie opening last night. Vertigo, did anyone see it? You did? Well, I didn’t, because they wouldn’t let me in the Theater.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. They wouldn’t even let me in the front entrance of this theater and this is my show! Ha-ha-ha-ha. Makes me deeply sad.

Anyway, I want y’all to meet Absin on the piano. How you doing, Absin?

[Cut to Absin]

Absin: I- I- I’m doing real good. I’ve been resting comfortably since the accident. I don’t know what all the fuss was about. I don’t miss seeing nothing.

[playing piano]

[Cut to Janine Katz]

Janine Katz: To say it read people the wrong way is an understatement. But, ABC bravely kept it going and until the Hailey Mill’s episode. My grandmother was always frustrated. She was the only one on TV who had to have a day job.

[Cut to Ruby Nichol’s talk show set. Ruby Nichol, Absin and Miley are sitting.]

Ruby Nichols: Thank you for being here.

Miley: Thank you. I didn’t know what to expect.

Ruby Nichols: That’s how I feel all the time.  [laughing] Let’s talk about this movie. A lot of people are talking about parent trap. You seen it Absin?

[Cut to Absin and Miley]

Absin: Ya, I saw it twice.

[Cut to Absin, Miley and Ruby Nichols]

Ruby Nichols: [laughing] Well, did you bring your twin here tonight?

Miley: I don’t have a twin. They shot me as a two different characters, you silly.

[Cut to Ruby Nichols]

Ruby Nichols: [laughing] Alright, you got one more time to call me silly.

[Cut to Miley]

Miley: I can just show you a bit if you like.

Ruby Nichols: Yes. I’d love it.

[Cut to a clip from the movie. Abygal played by Miley and Mom are sitting.]

Mom: Oh, Abby, please. At least eat your pie.

Abygal: I don’t want it mama, now that daddy’s not here. Not now, and not ever.

[Regie walks in]

Regie: Oh, now, come on Miss Abygal. Now I reckon I make all these pies for them now to get ate up. You hear? It will make me smile. Come on, now. Give old Regie a smile.

[Regie makes Abygal smile by pulling her lips at the two end with his fingers.]

[Cut to Ruby Nichol’s talk show set.]

Miley: Oh! Perhaps not the best clip to show.

Ruby Nichols: Ha-ha-ha. Question. You couldn’t make your own pie?

Absin: [talking to the crew members] Look here, do me a favor. Make sure my car’s running.

Miley: Ummm…

Ruby Nichols: I’m just so sick of Hollywood making us look like this. You know, I’m gonna tell you right now what I think of every white person here.

[Video cuts to a screen message “Please stand by”.]

[Cut to American Voices outro]