Gemma with Dwayne Johnson 2

Vanessa Bayer

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Dwayne Johnson

Gemma… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

[Starts with Vanessa and Gene sitting on a ride at Jurassic Park]

Vanessa: Are we really going to get wet on this ride? I just got my hair done.

Gene: Sweetie, can you just try to have a good time since it’s your birthday?

Vanessa: YOu’re right. Taking me to Universal Studio is as good as going to Paris after all.

[Vanessa and Gene hug] [Dwayne and Gemma walk in]

Dwayne: Oh, babe! Two seats in this one. Come on! Shake a butt.

Gemma: Coming by.

Dwayne: Oh, it’s a little shaky.

Gemma: Grab my hand?

Dwayne: I got your hand, babe.

Gemma: I’m excited to see real dinosaurs.

Dwayne: Oh yeah, babe. But they’re not real. They’re stuffed.

Gemma: Alright.

Dwayne: [looking at Gene] Oh my god, Gene! Look at this. No freaking way! I haven’t seen you in, what? Like, two, three years? Oh, it’s crazy, huh? Last time I saw you, you were with your wife. You guys break up?

Gene: No. [pointing at Vanessa] This is her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa. What happened to you, honey?

Vanessa: What does that mean? Is that good or bad?

Dwayne: Hey, you remember Gemma, huh?

Gemma: Hi, I’m Gemma. I’m British. This is my pig Pipsqueak. She’s British too.

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Okay, folks. Welcome to Jurassic River Rapids. As a reminder, this ride does get wet. So you will want to secure your valuables in the center console right there. And– I’m sorry, is that a pig?

Dwayne: Yeah. I think so. This is your pig, right babe?

Gemma: yeah, it’s a mini pig. Look, we dress alike.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she dresses like a pig. Huh, how hot is that, huh? Hey, you bout to pop through those button fly shorts?

Vanessa: Gene, you’re not going to bust your new shorts, are you?

Gene: I hope not.

Vanessa: Just don’t!

Mikey: Okay, well, no matter what, I still can’t let you have any animals on the ride. So, I guess I’m gong to have to hold him for you.

Gemma: Aw, okay. Goodbye, pips. Mommy’s gonna miss you.

[Mikey takes the piglet away from Gemma]

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she’s talking that sexy piggy talk, bedtime talk to the pig, huh? Is your fly getting as strained as mine, Gene? Hah? I can hear my zipper going, “Oh! Oh! I can’t hold it. I can’t hold it.” Hey, what do you think your button sound like, Gene?

Gene: I don’t know. Maybe like, “Boop.”

Vanessa: Does boop mean your button popped, Gene?

Gemma: [to Mikey] Careful, he bites and kicks.

Mikey: Okay. Make sure you are all buckled in. And watch out for those velociraptors.

[ride starts]

Dwayne: Ay! Ay!

Gemma: Oh, wow! We’re moving.

Dwayne: I know, right, here we go. Dino time! Like that skinny black guy used to say.

Gene: I think he used to say “Dyno-mite.”

Dwayne: Yeah.

Gemma: I’ve got a song called ‘Dyanmite.’

Dwayne: Oh, yeah, Gemma is a singer. You remember that?

Vanessa: Oh, yeah. I actually do. You have a lovely voice.

Dwayne: Gene, Duck!

[Gene ducks. Water splashes on Vanessa]

Vanessa: [to Gene] Oh my god! Why did you just tell him to duck?

Dwayne: Oh, because I don’t know your name, girl.

Vanessa: Well, may name–

Dwayne: Hey, hang on, hang on. Gemma was about to sing. You can tell us after. Ay, Gene, duck!

[Gene ducks. ater splashes on Vanessa again]

Vanessa: Why?

Dwayne: You should have told me your name, I guess.

Gemma: Give me a beat, babe.

Dwayne: Oh, you got it, babe.

Gemma: [singing] Boom, boom, blast, hey
boom, boom, blast, hey
got all in the club shakin’ their ass
girls are jel cause I’m the best
but boy you better run cause I’m dangerous

[Gene is shaking his head enjoying]
that’s why they call me Dynamite
I just might blow you a way
boom, boom, blast, hey!

Gene: Oh, that was really great. Right, honey?

Vanessa: Well, I would dance to that.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, tell your friend to duck!

[A dinosaur appears behind Vanessa and starts spraying water from it’s mouth.]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

[The ride is over.]

Mikey: Alright, guys. Your survived your adventure. Hope you enjoyed the ride. And by the way, you weren’t lying. The pig kicks and bites and is very nasty.

Dwayne: Hey! Hey! Don’t you talk about Gene’s wife that way! I’m gonna kill this guy.

Mikey: Oh, I’m talking about the pig.

Dwayne: Hey! It’s his wife, dude!

[Gene, Dwayne and Gemma are out]

Vanessa: Hey, can you help me? My seat belt is stuck.

Dwayne: Ay, nice. You get to go twice, honey.

Vanessa: But I don’t want to.

Gene: [yelling] Can you just have fun, honey?

[Water splashes on Vanessa again]

Gemma: Bye, Gene’s wife. We’ll miss ya.

[The ride starts again]

Enhancement Drug

Dwayne Johnson

Doctor… Kyle Mooney

Friend… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a group of people working at the construction site.]

Dwayne: You know, when I hit 50, my body went through a big change and not for the better. Severe erectile dysfunction shattered my confidence, sent me into depression and almost ruined my marriage. And believe me, I tried everything. But then a friend told me about Xentres. So I tried it and I worked.

Female voice: Xentres is the strongest male-enhancement drug on the market. It increases blood flow, boosts testosterone and ends erectile dysfunction instantly.

Dwayne: So I asked my doctor about Xentrex, and he said, “Xentrex? What the hell is Xentrex?” And I said, “Xentrex! It’s the strongest male-enhancement drug in the world and it works.” And he said he never heard of it. So, I pulled up the website and showed it to him. He started laughing. He said, “Are you insane, man? You can’t put that junk in your body. It’ll kill you. Your heart will stop. Rhino horn? Ammonium hydroxide? That’s what in meth, right?”

Female voice: Xentres is made strong enough to work on the most extreme cases of erectile dysfunction, and fast!

Dwayne: My doctor asked me, “Where did you hear about that [bleep]?” And I tole him, “A friend.” And he said, “Well, what’s his name?” And I said, “Well, I don’t really know him actually.” And he says, “But you just said he’s your friend.” So I told my doctor, “Look. Let’s forget about him and just write me a scrip for Xentrex and I’ll be on my way.” My doctor said, “Are you deaf, man? No! I could lose my license. You could die.” I said, “Yeah, I still want it though. So give it to me. Write the prescription.” I wasn’t leaving. So he says, “I think that website just froze my computer.” So I grabbed him a little. And he goes, “YOu’re hurting me, sir.” Hah! Xentrex works.

[Dwayne starts beating up the doctor]

Female voice: Side effects of Xentrex include fits of rage, acne, bleeding, baldness, blindness, whooping cough, hallucinations, coma, trouble swallowing, decrease in semen, increase in semen, nasal sores, constipation, vomiting, night terrors, amnesia and suicidal urges.

Dwayne: And those are just the side effects they tell you about. [Dwayne’s nose is bleeding] I get sweats. My bones are cold. My teeth are loose. My heart gets really, really hot. I could read minds and sometimes, I wake up driving a stolen car. But my erections are fantastic. When I wear gray sweat pants, people cross the street. Which is fine. Xentrex gave me my life back. Hail satan.

Female voice: So, threaten your doctor or ask your ketamine guy about South African Xentrex today.

Dwayne: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. It works.

Dwayne Johnson Five-Timers Monologue

Dwayne Johnson

Alec Baldwin

Tom Hanks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.

[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Ou! I know Thank you. It has been so great to be here hosting the season finale of ‘Saturday Night Live’. [cheers and applause] And tonight is extra special for me because this is my 5th time hosting this amazing show.[cheers and applause] So, thank you guys so much. But, you know, I really don’t want to make big deal about it.

[Alec Baldwin walks in]

Alec Baldwin: And yet, we must.

Dwayne Johnson: Alec, my friend! Um, weren’t you just in the Cold Open?

Alec Baldwin: Oh, it’s never enough doing that. What a season it’s been for me. But tonight is not about me. It’s about you. I’m here to officially welcome you into the five timers’ club. [snaps his fingers] Shall we?

[cheers and applause] [Alex Moffat brings in the 5 timers’ robe and puts it on Dwayne Johnson. It’s the same robe as Alec is wearing.]

Dwayne Johnson: Wow! Thank you. See? Thank you so much. It is an honor to get this from you. And I gotta tell you, Alec. You have been amazing playing the president this year.

Alec Baldwin: I can’t take all the credit. I have to thank the– um– [snapping his fingers] what do you call those pale people who take the subway?

Dwayne Johnson: Um, writers.

Alec Baldwin: Yes, them. I love them.

Dwayne Johnson: Well, you know, Alec, it’s funny. You know? A lot of people have been telling me lately that, well, I should fun for president of the United States. Yes, yes. And I gotta tell you, it’s very flattering. But tonight, I want to put that to rest and just say once and for all, I’m in!

[cheers and applause]

Yes! Starting tonight, I am running for president of the United States. Yes. And I gotta tell you. I have already chosen my running mate. [pointing at Alec Baldwin] He is also in the five timers’ club. And like me, he is very well liked, charming, universally adored by pretty much every human alive.

Alec Baldwin: Dwayne, I would be honored to–

Dwayne Johnson: Mr. Tom Hanks, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tom Hanks walks in wearing the same five timers’ robe. Alec Baldwin is embarrassed.] [cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Stop! Stop! Dwayne! Dwayne! I could not possibly turn this down. I will do it. I am in. Let’s go!

Dwayne Johnson: We’re in.

Alec Baldwin: Yes! Yes. I will be in the cabinet.

Dwayne Johnson: No!

Alec Baldwin: Because all three of us are equally beloved. Not a single black mark on any of our public personas.

Tom Hanks: Yeah, sure. Hey, Alec, I think I saw Lorne talking to your wife.

Alec Baldwin: I’m gonna break that son of a bitch’s neck! [Alec Baldwin runs towards the studio]

Tom Hanks: Happens every time.

Dwayne Johnson: Yes. It happens every time. Yes. Yes. Now, in the past, I never would have considered running for president. I didn’t think I was qualified. But now, I’m actually worried that I’m too qualified.

Tom Hanks: Well, the truth is, America needs us. No one can seem to agree on anything anymore except for two things…

Dwayne Johnson: Pizza and us.

Tom Hanks: And us. I mean, I have been in two movies where a plane crashes and people are still excited to see me on their flight.

Dwayne Johnson: That’s true. That’s true. It’s very true. That’s true. True story. You know, and I one time ran a red light and the traffic cam footage alone made a billion dollars. Tom, I think we’re unstoppable.

Tom Hanks: Dwayne, together we would get 100% of the vote. I would get the senior vote, because I fought in World War II in like, 10 different movies.

Dwayne Johnson: Yes. Yes. And I of course would get the minority vote because everyone just assumes that I’m, well, whatever they are.

Tom Hanks: You’re Portuguese.

Dwayne Johnson: I am. Ha-ha-ha.

Tom Hanks: Plus, between us, we could handle any crisis. If god forbid, we could go to war, I can assure the nation…

[music playing]

…we will sacrifice and we will suffer, but in the end we will win because we are the Americans and that is what Americans do.

Dwayne Johnson: That is amazing. That is amazing. That’s amazing. And if god forbid, California splits off and falls into the ocean, well, that’s my area.

[music playing]

Dammit! If I don’t get down to the fault line and detonate the warhead the entire state is going to sink! Fuel up the submarine and tell the secret service to pack my trunks. The president’s going for a swim.

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Man, there was a lot going on there.

Dwayne Johnson: There is. It’s how I roll, Hanksy. Yeah. But listen, America, before you get too excited, this isn’t real. Tom and I are joking.

Tom Hanks: Yeah. I just wanted to be on TV with Dwayne.

Dwayne Johnson: [laughing] Yes. Well, you know, it’s just that when it comes to politics, we need more poise and less noise. Americans deserve strong, capable leaders. Leaders who care about this country and care about its people.

Tom Hanks: Wow. Um, Dwayne, that kind of sounds like you and me. I guess we got to do it! Come on! Let’s go!

[A backdrop with ‘Johnson Hanks 2020’ written on it is dropped]

Dwayne Johnson and Tom Hanks: We’re doing it! There you are! There you are! There you are!

Dwayne Johnson: We have got a great show. Katy Perry is here. Stick around. Hanks and Johnson will be right back.

Donald Trump Hallelujah

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. …Mikey Day

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johannson

[Starts with Donald Trump playing piano in stage]

Donald Trump: [singing] I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?

[Kellyanne Conway joins Donald Trump]

Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway: It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift

[Mike Pence walks in and joins]

All: The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. join]

All: Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya

[Sarah Huckabee and Steve Bannon as grim reaper join]

All: And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump join]

All: I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’m not giving up because I didn’t do anything wrong. [Donald Trump looks around] But I can’t speak for these people.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Cartier Ad

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with video clips of a fancy party.] [Cut to a beautiful woman and her man]

Male voice: You love her. You cherish her. But let’s face it, she’s a lot.

Vanessa: I can’t eat anything here.

[Cut to Vanessa walks to three women and talks with them. Beck is with her.]

Male voice: Because she is provocative. Because she’s magnetic. Because there’s always something.

Vanessa: There’s nobody good here. [The other women are looking at her angrily]

Male voice: You’d give her the sun, the moon and the starts. But for now, give her something to distract her. [Beck pulls out a jewelry box and opens it to Vanessa. There’s a diamond fidget spinner inside.] Cartier presents the diamond-encrusted fidget spinner. 14 karat gold embedded with princess cut diamonds. Designed to calm her because she “has anxietiy.”

Vanessa: [spinning the fidget spinner] So fast!

Male voice: You do you and her do that.

Vanessa: I’m balancing it.

[Cut to Vanessa walks to Aidy and talks to her]

Male voice: She’s vivacious. She’s feisty. She told you she’s thinking of opening a restaurant and you’re like, “I guess.” Give her something to focus on because let’s face it, she’s been reading ‘The Goldfinch’ for two years. She litters. She has to take cabs because her Uber rating is so low. When she’s around gay men, it’s exactly how you think it would be. And you know she is a completely different person with her family.

Vanessa: [talking on phone in kid’s voice] Hi, daddy.

Male voice: Intriguing. Addictive. A way to pass the time. I’m talking about the fidget spinner.

Vanessa: [to Beck] Hey, can we go? I’m really sick.

Beck: Okay.

Male voice: Cartier fidget spinner. Because, god, the sex is good!

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Being Sober

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The new republican healthcare proposal could end protection for access to drug treatment and rehab. Here with his thoughts is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Hey, wad up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up?

Pete Davidson: Good, how are you?

Colin Jost: I’m doing great. So, what have you been up to since you got sober?

Pete Davidson: Um, well, they say quitting drugs is hard and that’s true, but they don’t tell you how boring it is. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Whoever said there aren’t enough hours in a day was a liar. There are so many hours in the day. 24 to be exact. Did you guys know what? Did you know there were 24 hours in a day? Coz I thought there were only six.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, that’s good to know. I feel like there must have been something you did with your time off. Right?

Pete Davidson: I’ve been masturbating.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: It’s great.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I’m doing that a lot. I was on drugs for the last eight years. So now I have to get, like, all the bad kids out.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, I’m sorry. What does that mean?

Pete Davidson: I got to masturbate all the bad kids out, Colin. [Cut to Pete Davidson] There’s a bunch of dummies in there. If I had  kid right now, he would come out with a snapback and a neck tattoo.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m just– I guess I’m just going to move on from that. So, how did you become sober?

Pete Davidson: Well, I went to rehab [Cut to Pete Davidson] and here’s some advice. Never pick the rehab you want to go to while you are high. Coz that’s what I did. I just googled rehab and picked the first place that popped up. What caught my eye about this one was their main attraction was horse therapy.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What’s horse therapy?

Pete Davidson: Well, wouldn’t we all like to know, Colin? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I’m not 100% sure, but I think it’s like when you pet horses and you look at them and like heal through their horseyness. You pet them and you look them in the eye and you’re like, “You’re trapped. I’m trapped. We get thorough this.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, it actually sounds kind of nice.

Pete Davidson: It does, doesn’t it? But the first day I got to rehab, guess who is allergic to horses. So… yeah. that’s how poor I was growing up. I never even met a horse. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I remember doing the allergy test when they test you for dogs, cats and grass and all that. I remember the doctor specifically asked my mom, “Should he be tested for horses?” And she literally said, “Nah, he will never see one.” And then she said, “We’re more of a six flags type family.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. That sounds like a nightmare scenario. Rehab.

Pete Davidson: It was. Do not go to rehab that has horse therapy. If you go it will cost you 40 grand.

Colin Jost: Wait, it cost you $40,000?

Pete Davidson: To pet a horse. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You can have sex with a person for like, 50 bucks. I should have banged that horse.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Weekend Update on Aunt Jemima Recall

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Aunt Jemima logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Aunt Jemima is recalling several breakfast food products because they might contain Listeria, who I’m guessing is Jemima’ sister.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a monkey and map of India at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in India are hoping to deal with the exploding monkey population by providing them with birth control. India, where they treat monkeys better than America treats women. By the way, they have to use birth control pills because every time they tried to teach the monkey to use condom, it ate the banana. So, just the first joke?

[Picture changes to a computer]

A company in Canada has created a new software than can mimic anyone’s voice and get it to say anything. I will finally be able to hear my dad say, “I’m proud of you.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Calendar marked on May Colin Jost4 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tomorrow’s Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to call your mama, because I won’t!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s introduced a new utensil called froerk, which is a fork made with French Fries. It’s a perfect way to tell your arteries to go fork themselves!

Weekend Update Cathy Anne

Michael Che

Cathy Anne

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Tuesday, president Trump fired FBI director James Comey. The contradictory reasons for his firing coming out of the Trump campaign has been causing a lot of confusion, just like I just had. Here to clear things up, is the woman who is always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey, Michael Che. You are looking nice today.

Michael Che: Well, thank you, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: Michael Che. Can you understand half of SHT what’s going on right now? Coz everything to me is more confusing and messier than when my uncle’s ‘you know what’ lab exploded.

Michael Che: Okay, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: Meth lab.

Michael Che: Yeah. I figured it was a meth lab.

Cathy Anne: Can you believe that Donald Trump gets to fire the man investigating him? [Cut to Cathy Anne] Whow! I mean, if I got to fire every person that investigated me, I would still have my job at Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: What happened at Pizza Hut?

Cathy Anne: Oh, what didn’t happen at pizza hut? Oh, man. Did you hear what he said about James Comey? [Cut to Cathy Anne] I mean, it’s like he’s trying to pick a fight with the FBI. Who the hell wants to pick a fight with the FBI? Okay, let me say. I’ll be left up with you, okay? I have had some problems with paranoia in my life just due to funky wiring in my head and mixed with mild recreational heavy drug use. God, you gotta be paranoid for real if you messing with the FBI and the Russians on top of that? I mean, he is living the actual life junkies are dreaming about in the bowling alley. When they’re like, “The CIA is after me. The Russians are listening.” But that’s his real life. You know what I mean?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t know anything about his real life, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: What is he thinking? Hanging out on Russians anyway, right? [Cut to Cathy Anne] They’re the ones that’s always pushing people out of windows and shooting them in the back of the cars, blowing that poison paint in the people’s face. He is taking selfish move in the Oval Office. I bet you that he has more Russian friends than I have days left to live.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, don’t say that.

Cathy Anne: Hey, baby, I live hard, okay? I’m like a shooting star. Just, pheww! You tell my story, Michael Che.

Michael Che: Alright, I’m not completely familiar with it, but I’ll try.

Cathy Anne: You know what? Here’s the thing. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I don’t even have problem with Donald Trump, right? Coz he’s crazy. And crazy recognizes crazy. Okay? Donald Trump, I see you, my man.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Your man?

Cathy Anne: Look. It’s all these republicans in congress pretending they don’t see what’s going on. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I know you’re not dumb. The only thing these investigating committees need to be book looking for is a damn backbone. Right? And you know it’s not going to be Mitch McDonald because he acts even more scary than he looks and he looks like this. [acting like Mitch McConnell] Right? Like somebody one poke the turtle. But I tell you, the rest of them need to grow a pair to put their country before the party. Don’t tell us we ain’t got the money to pay for people’s health care and turn around and spend $1 million a day so Donald Trump’s wife don’t have to sleep in the same bed as him.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne! Come on!

Cathy Anne: I’m not dumb. I can relate, Michael Che. [Cut to Cathy Anne] There’s been a similar situation, right? I used to get paid $15 a day to stay away from this man that ran a dry cleaner down the street from me. He would just leave it in a little envelope and just write “Please” on the outside of it. that’s how I got my first cricket phone.

Michael Che: [laughing] Cricket? You’re the only person I know with a cricket phone.

Cathy Anne: You put it in my story, Michael Che.

Michael Che: Alright.

Cathy Anne: No, listen to me. If this dude turns into a watergate type situation, I’m saying it right now. I call deep throat.

Michael Che: Oh! Cathy Anne, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and James Comey at left top corner.]

Well, I know most of us think this every week but this week was crazy. On Tuesday, president Trump fired FBI director James Comey. Then the White House panicked and started blurting out excuses like a husband with glitter on his collar. Finally, Trump came forward and he said he decided to fire Comey himself because Comey “wasn’t doing a good job.” Adding, for example, “I am still president.” Then he called Comey a show boat. This guy, [picture changes to James Comey] this guy is a show boat. He looks like if the word ‘gosh’ became a person. Trump was also reportedly surprised that people were angry he fired the guy investigating the Trump campaign. How did Trump not realize that was suspicious? I mean if a drug sniffing dog came up to your bag at the airport and your response was to shoot the dog, people would really wonder what’s in that bag. Or they would just assume you work for United. [picture changes to United airlines logo] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Steve Bannon at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Steve Bannon reportedly told the president that this was not the right time to fire Comey. Well, when would be the good time to fire the guy that’s investigating you? While he’s putting on a handcuffs? Also, you know something looks bad when Steve Bannon has to walk into your office with hot dog breath in his 10 o’clock shadow like, “Hey, this could be bad for our image, boss.”And it does look bad. In fact, everything Trump does sounds like a trailer of a wacky movie. Trump headline should come with a record scratch in a fun song. For instance, this week president Trump halts an FBI investigation by firing… [questioning tone] the head of the FBI? [song ‘I feel good’ playing] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After the Comey news was made public, White House press secretary Sean Spicer tried to evade reporters by ducking into some bushes. Which is weird because diving into bushes without warning is usually his boss’s thing. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Michael Che: A lot of emotions there.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Spicer’s thirsty understudy Sarah Huckabee Sanders said James Comey had committed basic atrocity as well he was head of the FBI like re-opening the Hillary Clinton investigation. But that’s not a basic atrocity. A basic atrocity is when you post a brunch photo that says ‘pizza is life’. But when your profile pic is you on an inflatable swan. Basic atrocities is by the way, is also where Sarah Huckabee Sanders gets her wardrobe. [Picture changes to Basic Atrocities fancy store] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump warned in a tweet that “James Omey better hope that there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!” I don’t even know what that mens because he put the word ‘tapes’ in quotes. Adding random quotations so a word just makes everything sound a lot worse. it’s the difference between saying, “Grandma is sleeping”, and “Grandma is [does the two finger quote gesture] sleeping.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Trump also tweeted, “As a very active President with lots of things happening, it is not possible for my surrogates to stand at podium with perfect accuracy!…” First of all, very active is not how you describe a president. That’s how you describe imagination of a child that draws pictures of his school on fire.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump’s twitter profile]

Then he goes on to say, “… Maybe the best thing to do would be to cancel all future “press briefings” and hand out written responses for the sake of accuracy???” N, dude! You can’t just get rid of press briefings. Every time we criticize Donald Trump, he tries to offer a way worse plan as the solution. Just like when people criticize Trump for not actually draining the swamp, and Trump was like, “Well, I guess that means I should… [questioning tone] hire my son-in-law? [song ‘I feel good’ playing] [Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a letter at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A letter released by president Trump’s lawyers claim that the last 10 years of his tax returns do not show any income from Russian sources “with a few exceptions”. ‘With a few exceptions’ is not a comforting phrase. That’s like hearing, “Don’t worry. All the kids came back from the field trip, with a few exceptions.” I’d also just like to point out that one of his tax attorneys is named Willy Nelson. And I know it’s not this Willy Nelson [Picture changes to Willy Nelson the singer] who famously didn’t pay his taxes, but still, I wouldn’t hire a baby sitter legal name was Jared Fogle. [Picture changes to Jared Fogle] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Are the Fogles here? Education secretary Betsy DeVos was boo’ed while giving a commencement speech at the historically all black Bethune-Cookman University. It was the most booing from the all black audience since I let Colin let open for me at the Apollo. [Picture changes to Colin Jost doing stand-up] [Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s a private moment

Sean Spicer Returns (Melissa McCarthy)

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glenn… Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: We now join the White House press briefing where Sarah Huckabee Sanders is filling in for Sean Spicer.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders walking to the podium]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good morning, guys. It’s an honor to be here today. And for those of you who don’t know me, my father is Mike Huckabee and my mother is a big souther hamburger. Okay? And yes, obviously, I”m hilarious like my daddy. Now, I am filling in for Sean today. As you know, Sean is fulfilling his duty as an officer in the Naval reserve and that is why he cannot be here today.

Cecily: I’m pretty sure I can see him hiding in those bushes.

[Sean Spicer is looking inside through the window from behind the bushes]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: I believe that’s a naval exercise. He’s trying to blend in with his surroundings, okay? Are there any more questions?

Sasheer: Yeah. I have a question. Can you just do this full time instead of him?

Mikey: Yeah. I’d also like to ask that question because you are clearly articulate and charming. Where as Sean is bullish–

[Sean Spicer walks in and uses fire extinguisher on Mikey]

Sean Spicer: You know why I had to put your pants out? Coz you’re bone chugged liar in there. That pant’s lying. [walks to the podium and pushing Sarah Huckabee Sanders away] Now, move. Move. When you lie all the time, your pants get on fire. Liar, liar, pants on fire. So, I put him out. That’s right. Spicy’s back. Sarah’s out. Booya! Let’s do this. First question, Michelin man. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Glenn.

Glenn: Yes. People are saying that based on president Trump’s tweets that he is unhinged. Would you agree?

Sean Spicer: Oh, my god, Glenn. Do I come to your job and slap those seven or eight hot dogs out of your mouth? Huh? You’re really gonna ask me that? This is offensive. If he is crazy, he is crazy like a fox with mental problems. Okay? Next question.

Glenn: Yes, I have a follow-up. Isn’t it true that president Trump only fired James Comey to stop the FBI’s investigation with him?

Sean Spicer: Shut up, Glenn.

Glenn: I think the American people deserve to know.

Sean Spicer: [mocking] Oh, do they, Glenn? [gibberish] You stink!

Glenn: Come on! I don’t stink.

Sean Spicer: You stink bad!

Glenn: I don’t stink. [Glenn sits down]

Sean Spicer: Alright, let me just put this whole Russian thing to bed once and for all. Trump is innocent. How do we know? Because he told us so. Period! Then he hired lawyers to agree with him. And they’re going to prove it with a certified letter, which you know is the truth because it costs and extra $2 to certify. Now, I got a tracking number right here. You wanna check it out. It goes 8554611856– son of a– Alright, wait, that’s my bank routing number. No one use that. No one use it. You can’t take money out of it. If you wanna put money in, go ahead. Alright, next question.

Sasheer: Sean, you must know this Russia thing looks really bad.

Sean Spicer: Oh my god! There is no Russian thing. The only Russian thing here is my little dollies. Bring them out.

[Sean Spicer walks to the table beside the podium. There’s a box.]

For you people. Okay, here’s the deal. See if you can follow. Okay, first of all, here’s Trump. [pulls out a pot with Donald Trump printed on it.] Okay? He’s the biggest one and he’s the most beautiful. When he was not happy with the performance of the FBI director, this guy, Comey. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a dog’s picture] Because Comey was not being nice to our friend, boom, Hillary Clinton. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with Maleficent’s picture] Okay? This dude,[he shows a pot with another picture, but then hides it.] wait! Son of a– Okay, that’s not– Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him. If you did this Glenn, I swear to god I’ll rip you to shreds. So, what actually happened is Trump conferred with his good, good friend, there you go, Steve Bannon. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a cartoon green slug picture] And the decision to fire Comey was even confirmed by Trump’s tiniest little buddy, come on out you little buddy, Jeff Sessions. [Sean Spicer shows a small pot with Pikachu’s picture] There we go. Jeff Sessions. So, next question.

[Sean Spicer walks to the podium]

Vanessa: Yeah. Were you surprised that he fired Comey before he fired you?

Sean Spicer: Oh, god!

[Sean Spicer walks to a pole, carried the whole pole and throws it over the press members]

Does that answer your question? I honestly hope to god it killed her.

Cecily: Sean. Sean, just be straight with us for once. What’s really going on?

Sean Spicer: I am being straight with you. I’m telling you exactly what president Trump told me.

Glenn: Um, but what if he’s lying to you?

Sean Spicer: He– But he wouldn’t do that. He’s my friend.

Sasheer: If he’s your friend, why does he make you come out here and humiliate yourself everyday?

Sean Spicer: He doesn’t make me. I like it. I– I get off on it.

Mikey: If he’s your friend, why is everyone saying he is about to fire you and replace you with Sarah.

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders walks in eating an apple]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, bless your heart. This is the first time I’m hearing of that.

[Sean Spicer pushes Sarah Huckabee Sanders away]

Sean Spicer: Get out. Get out. I gotta find Trump. I’m going to New York. [Sean Spicer’s podium is moving like it’s a car] The press interview is over!

[song playing] [Cut to Sean Spicer traveling on streets on the same podium]

Sean Spicer: [road rage] Common! I need to find Trump! [sobbing] I promise I’ll talk better. I can’t go back to the Navy. I can’t swim.

[Sean Spicer sees a gum on the street. He picks it up and puts it in his mouth.] [Sean Spicer reaches Trump Tower] [to the Trump Tower guard] I wanna talk to President Trump. Now!

Guard: He doesn’t come here anymore.

Sean Spicer: Well, then where is he?

[Cut to a golf course in New Jersey] [Sean Spicer finds Donald Trump

Sean Spicer: Mr. Trump. I need to talk to you. have you ever told me to say things that aren’t true?

Donald Trump: Only since you started working here.

Sean Spicer: I don’t think I can do this anymore, Mr. President. They are saying you are going to replace me with Sarah.

Donald Trump: Sean, come on. I would never do that. She doesn’t have you special spice, salt and pepper [tickling Sean Spicer’s hair] and a little bit of sugar. [tickling Sean Spicer’s belly]

Sean Spicer: No! Mr. President, stop.

Donald Trump: You like it when I do that, Sean?

Sean Spicer: No, it just tickles a little.

Donald Trump: Yeah. [Donald Trump tickles a little more]

Sean Spicer: No! I’m married.

Donald Trump: Sean, kiss me.

Sean Spicer: I can’t. I have a wife. I took vows.

Donald Trump: No, I’m famous. It’s okay.

Sean Spicer: No, wait. Is this like the Godfather when you kiss me and no one ever sees me again?

Donald Trump: Yes.

[Sean Spicer and Donald Trump start kissing]