Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Kevin Love

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Cleveland Cavaliers power forward Kevin Love is getting a lot of praise for an article he recently wrote about mental health. Here with his take on Love’s article is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Thank you. Thanks, Colin. Thanks. I think I speak for all crazy people when I say, [screams].

Colin Jost: That was good.

Pete Davidson: It made me laugh earlier.

Colin Jost: It was good. Had a crazy feeling.

Pete Davidson: So, last week Kevin Love, one of the least hatable white guys on the planet, he opened up about a panic attack he had during a basketball game. And he said, it opened his eyes to how no one should be too proud to talk to a mental health expert if they needed. The article was commendable. It was praised. But quite frankly Colin, I didn’t care for it very much.

Colin Jost: You didn’t like it?

Pete Davidson: No, it was fine. He’s a good guy. Bla-bla-bla-bla. Whatever. It’s totally cool that like, he had a panic attack. But if you’re gonna write an article about being unstable, leave it to the big boys, alright? I’m sorry you missed your three pointer, Kev, but I’ve been in therapy since I was six years old. And I wanted to kill myself when I was eight. Tough news about your rebounds though.

Colin Jost: Wait, I’m sorry. Are you like, bragging?

Pete Davidson: So what if I am? So what? I love being mentally ill. I’m so relieved, you know, that everybody knows that. Now I don’t have to hide anything. it’s amazing. if I’m like, out somewhere and I’m acting like a dick, everyone’s like, “Oh, no, he’s mentally ill.” You know? And if I’m happy, they’re like, “Aw, good for him.” But now, Kevin Love just waltzes in with his little panic attack and he just waters the whole thing down.

Colin Jost: I gotta say, Peter, it sounds like you’re jealous.

Pete Davidson: I am jealous. Like, Kevin Love is a handsome rich baseball player, okay? His uncle’s a beach boy. Alright. The worst one, but it’s still sick. He’s got it all, man. He doesn’t need my one thing, you know? Like, let me have that. Or trade me uncles. Your uncle’s out there touring, making the world the better place. When I was six, my uncle took me camping and then it started raining, and I heard thunder and I crapped my pants in the rain and then I told my uncle what I did and he punched me in the face. And then my mom told me not to tell my dad because my dad would kill him. And then my dad died like, a month later. But again, sorry about your free throw percentage.

In Kevin’s defense, he is right. No, I gotta say that so people don’t get mad. You know? I gotta pretend like I care about this guy. If you ever have a panic attack, you should see a mental health professional. No matter how minimal the episode. But just do me a favor and stay in your lane. Alright? I can’t stay on my late because I’m on a ton of Klonopin right now. Colin, are my eyes crossed?

Colin Jost: No. Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: I got new teeth.

Colin Jost: He got new teeth.

Weekend Update Stefon

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Stefon… Bill Hader

Shy… John Mulaney

Colin Jost: And today is St. Patrick’s day which means millions of tourists have come to the Big Apple. Here with some tips on what to check out is out Weekend Update’s city correspondant, Stefon.

[Stefon slides in] [cheers and applause]

Stefon: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi. Thank you so much for joining us, Stefon.

Stefon: Conor, Persie, it’s nice to be here.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Stefon. So, the parade is now over? I bet a lot of people out there are looking for a great New York hangout? Do you have any recommendations?

Stefon: Yes. If you’re drunk in midtown doing cheap coke off your laundry card, I have just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is Gaddush. Inspired by true events. It is former CVS which became a chase bank and then became a CVS again, has a familiar yet troubling feel. Like, when Larry King would play himself in a movie. This place has everything. Death sets, key fobs, kale chips, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Plus, you can play everyone’s favorite party game, the stranger.

Michael Che: What’s the Stranger?

Stefon: Do you know that Billy Joel song, The Stranger?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Stefon: Well, it’s when you sit on Billy Joel’s hand until it’s numb and then you rub yourself with it.

Colin Jost: Wait, why does it have to be numb?

Stefon: So you can pretend it’s Bruce Springsteen’s hand.

Colin Jost: Stefon, let’s get back on track. I think a lot of people are in town for St. Patrick’s day. And they might be looking for something a little different.

Michael Che: Yeah. Something more Irish themed.

Stefon: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Moonlight, La-la Land.

Michael Che: What?

[everyone laughing]

Stefon: If you’re Irish or just white and violent, I have a St. Patty’s place for you. New York’s hottest Irish club is “Off the church, mother.” Located in the clogged heart of the Bronx at the corner of threethousand street and Gary Marshall Memorial Drive. This gang ridden skateboard park was the ceremony spot for Vern Troyer’s twothousandfour wedding. This place has everything. Peeps, ted talks, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Be sure to hit the dance floor and do a jig with Ireland’s hottest Farrakhans.

Michael Che: Wait. Louis Farrakhan is at this club?

Stefon: No. Farrakhans. Leprechaun’s that look like Farah Fawcett. But also, yes. Minister Farrakhan will be there.

Colin Jost: Alright. Stefon, come on.

Stefon: Please, call me by your name.

Colin Jost: Fine. Colin. Just give us that one place. Tell us that one place that ordinary tourist might enjoy. Please.

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes. If you’re ordinary and you love seizure inducing Malaysian music, I’ve just a place for you. New York’s hottest club is “Stand clear of the closing doors please.” Built in upside down world, this haunted hospice was closed when the inspectors found a sexy form of asbestos that could cause disease.

Michael Che: What disease you get from sexy asbestos?

Stefon: Me-so-hornioma. This place has everything. Young popes, old popes, Roman J. Israel Esquire. But avoid the dance floor in Wednesdays when a dozen hot dachshunds and corgi’s get in free. They call it long and low night. I don’t trust any dog whose stomach touches the ground. Plus, you can party in the VIP room with a group of human squatty potties.

Michael Che: What is a human squatty potty?

Stefon: It’s that thing of– you know what? It’s a new era and I don’t want to say a word that could be insensitive. May I consult my lawyer quickly?

Michael Che: Sure.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Stefon: Great! He’s an attorney and a conceptual piss artist named Shy. Shy?

[Shy walks in with a briefcase] [cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: Hi, Shy.

Shy: Hello, gentlemen. How are you?

[everyone laughing]

Stefon: Shy, do people still use the word… [Shy and Stefon start whispering] Got it. Thank you, Shy.

[Shy walks out]

Human squatty potties. it’s that thing of when you sit on a toilet and to have a good posture, two little people crouch in the bathroom floor and you put your feet on their hand.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. I’m really glad you made sure to make that not insensitive. Thank you very much. That’s great.

Stefon: Let’s take a closer look at political correctness.

[“A Closer Look” video bumper playing at the bottom of the screen.]

Michael Che: Wait, isn’t “A Closer Look” Seth’s thing?

Stefon: Oh. Seth and I are versatile. Some nights I do it and he’s under the desk.

Colin Jost: It’s Stefon, everyone.

Stefon: Jill Stein 2020.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on IHOP’s Apology

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of IHop logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The manager of IHop in Maine has apologized after a waiter asked a group of black teenagers to pay upfront for their meal, which is weird because most people who eat at IHop pay for it about two hours later. [Picture changes to toilet] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Snuggie clothes at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Federal Trade Commission has ordered the makers of the Snuggie to pay more than $7 million in refunds over deceptive buy one get one free ads. It’s a rare piece of good news for people who own multiple Snuggies.

[Picture changes to a license plate]

The winner of America’s best license plate is New Mexico’s “Chile Capital Of The World” plate. While the worst is New jersey’s “Da Fuh You Looking At?”

Weekend Update on Andrew McCabe’s Firing

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a graph at left top corner.]

This week the national unemployment rate held steady at 4% while the White House unemployment rose to all of them. [Picture changes to everybody who resigned or were fired.] The crazy thing is I’m starting to feel sorry for all these people Trump is firing even though I thought they were terrible at their jobs. I mean, six months ago, could you have imagined thinking, “Hang in there, Jeff Sessions.”

[Picture changes to Andrew McCabe]

Latest victim was former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe who was fired two days before he was set to retire on his 50th birthday so he couldn’t collect his full pension. Damn, man. That’s cold. I men even the Joker [Picture changes to the Joker from Batman] is like, “You don’t treat people like that.” I love that Trump is being extra mean to the FBI guy who is definitely going to testify against him. It’s like walking in and announcing to a whole restaurant that you’re not tipping anyone before they make your food.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rex

Michael Che: President Trump fired secretary of state Rex Tillerson and replaced him with CIA director Mike Pompeo. Tillerson will return to his previous job as the eagle from ‘The Muppets.’

[Picture changes to the White House]

Insiders are saying that more major staff shakeups could be coming to the White House. Trump is firing people like he’s trying to get us under the salary cap or something. It is kind of little too late. It’s like when those Domino’s commercial say, “Ay, Domino’s, we’re making some changes.” And you’re like, “Yeah, but just still Domino’s.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that special council Robert Mueller has subpoenaed documents from the Trump organization. By the way, Trump organization is maybe the greatest oxymoron in history. Have you ever seen Trump’s desk? [Picture changes to Donald Trump working on a messy desk.] He’s just a full hoarder. Good luck finding Russian evidence under some old McDonald’s wrappers, a pile of unsigned non-disclosure agreements and macaroni father’s day card from Eric.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Stormy Daniels has offered to return the $130,000 that she was paid so that she can release any text, photos or videos she has with Donald Trump. For what? So, this lady is trying to show us revenge porn of a grandpa and we’re just okay with that? I mean what are you expecting to see? What if it’s good? Are you prepared for that? Are you prepared? Are you prepared to see Donald Trump tear up some ass? I mean he’s 63 and dumb as rock. You don’t know what he’s working with down there.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are logos of different news channels and papers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also, by the way, can the media please stop getting us all riled up with headlines like, “Will pornstar bring down president?” “Is Mueller moving in for the kill?” Just stop teasing us if there’s no payoff. I’ll tell the media the same thing I told my high school girlfriend. I’m totally fine waiting, but you gotta stop rubbing the outside of my pants.

Weekend Update Betsy DeVos

Colin Jost

Betsy DeVos… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was under fire this week after a disastrous 60 minute interview. Here to clarify her points is Betsy DeVos.

[Betsy DeVos slides in] [cheers and applause]

Betsy DeVos: Thank you. Hello, the audience. Hello, the man.

Colin Jost: Hi. Yeah, well, thank you so much for coming. So, Betsy, what happened with that interview?

Betsy DeVos: Well, I think the problem is that the words that were coming out of my mouth were bad. And that is because they came from my brain.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, tonight, we can give you another chance. Like, what are your thoughts about public schools versus charter schools?

Betsy DeVos: Well, you know, I don’t like to think of things in terms of school. That it should be up to the states. In Wyoming, for example, which has many potential grizzlies, there should be a school for bears. And in Louisiana, crocodile crossing guards. And in North Carolina, stop being trans and that’s what’s best for them.

Colin Jost: Okay. You might now be the most protested member of Trump’s cabinet. Why do you think that is?

Betsy DeVos: You know, I think it’s because I do not do a good job. And I can’t because I don’t know how.

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, that’s– yeah. Well, recently people have also been criticizing your position on guns in school.

Betsy DeVos: Well, you know, and again I think that the states should choose how they protect their schools based on their circumstances. For example, if two home alone style bandits want to rob a school, that school should have the option of red hot doorknobs or a paint can that swings down a staircase. You know, that’s good school’s good choice. So, whatever they choose, we are working hard to ensure that all schools are safe learning environments for guns.

Colin Jost: Can I just ask you something? Do you like your job?

Betsy DeVos: No, I do not. I do spend most of it getting screamed at while climbing into an escalate. But I do like visiting good school and doing worksheets with cute little blacks and the occasional stinky poor white.

Colin Jost: Stinky poor white

Betsy DeVos: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Secretary DeVos, do you really want to say that on TV?

Betsy DeVos: Oh! I did a fudge. Oh! Look, I may not be very good on camera. But behind the scenes, my ideas are much worse.

Colin Jost: Betsy DeVos, everyone.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of students walking at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This Wednesday was national walkout day. Sorry, that’s a wrong picture. [Picture changes to Donald Trump Jr. and Vanessa Trump] Oh, there it is. Vanessa Trump– [Colin Jost laughing hard] You know what we do here, right? Vanessa Trump filed for divorce from her husband Donald Trump Jr. It’s a tough break but I’m sure he’ll take it on the no chin.

[Picture changes to Houston Astros team]

President Trump welcomed the World Series champions, Houston Astros to the White House which is weird because baseball is the one industry where immigrants actually are taking our jobs.

[Colin Jost laughing hard]

Houston Astros were even nice enough to give Trump a jersey with his approval rating on the back. [His jersey has number 17 on it] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Walmart logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Walmart has filed a patent for a robot bees that could be used to pollinate crops like real bees. Which leads me to ask, what is Walmart now? It’s a department store that became a grocery store and a fire arms dealer and now they’re just building an army of robot bees? I miss the good old days when Walmart was just a place where I saw my third grade teacher punch a greetor on Black Friday.

[Picture changes to strawberry skittles freeze and Taco Bell logo at left top corner.]

Taco Bell is selling a strawberry skittles freeze made with skittles candy. You know, Mexican food. Just like Mi Abuella used to make.

Undercover Office Potty

Johnson… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Adam… Chris Redd

Boss… Bill Hader

[Starts with Johnson working in office at his desk. Kyle walks in.]

Kyle: Hey, Johnson. Don’t forget, we need those reports by the end of the day.

Johnson: You got it.

[Johnson starts having stomach problem. He looks at his watch.]

Female voice: Need to go to the bathroom? But you have a lot of work to do. And it’s all the way down the hall.

Johnson: Yes.

Female voice: We’ve all been there before. Why don’t you check your lamp?

Johnson: Huh?

Female voice: Check your lamp.

[Johnson checks his big lamp. The lamp can be opened and there’s a hollow space in the lamp stand.]

Johnson: Whoa!

Female voice: Go ahead. Do you business.

Johnson: What do you mean?

Female voice: Use it as a toilet.

Johnson: Oh, now I get it.

Female voice: Introducing the Undercover Office Potty. The only toilet that looks like a lamp so you can go whenever you want and no one has to know. Just open it up and go to town. It will be our little secret.

[Johnson puts the lamp back]

Johnson: Thanks, Under Cover Office Potty. I did good.

[Kyle walks back in]

Kyle: Hey, Johnson. Did you get around those reports?

Johnson: Yeah. Finished them a while ago. [whispering at the camera] I had plenty of time.

Kyle: Wait, why do you have so many lamps on your desk?

Johnson: Oh. I guess I like a lot of light.

[Kyle smells around]

Kyle: Oh, god! It stinks in here.

Johnson: Well, it wasn’t me. I used the bathroom all the way down the hall.

Kyle: Jesus! I think it’s these lamps.

[Kyle smells the lamp from close]

Holy [bleep], man! It’s definitely these lamps. Oh, my god!

Johnson: [yelling] It smells like regular lamps to me.

Kyle: Hey Adam, get in here.

[Adam walks in smelling around]

Adam: Holy [bleep] .

Johnson: Alright, everybody calm down.

[Adam smells the lamp too.]

Adam: Oh! Um-umm! There’s something wrong with these lamps.

Johnson: Oh, yeah, right. I probably have to get back to work.

Kyle: Dude, did you take [bleep] in your lamps?

Johnson: What? In these lamps? I don’t think so.

Kyle: We gotta do something about this. I’m telling Mr. Anderson.

Johnson: No. Please.

[Boss walks to Johnson’s office. Johnson walks out and closes the door before Boss reaches in.]

Boss: Johnson, this is never easy but your coworkers are complaining about your lamps.

Johnson: But I go to the bathroom all the way down the hall.

Boss: I have to take a look at these lamps.

[Boss walks in]

Oh, my god!

[Boss opens the lamps]

Oh! You lied, Johnson. You went to the bathroom in the lamps. Get them out of here.

Johnson: Yes, sir. Sorry sir.

[Johnson throws all the lamps to the garbage]

Female voice: Let me guess, nosy coworkers caught on to the lamps because you had too many on your desk?

Johnson: Yeah.

Female voice: We’ve got you covered with everyday office items that you can use as a toilet. Introducing the Undercover Office Potty Disguise Supplies. There’s the stapler, the tape dispenser and the automatic pencil sharpener.

[Cut to Johnson in his office with these new supplies. The supplies are too huge of a size. His colleagues walk pass by.]

Johnson: Hey, guys, look. I got rid of the lamps.

Kyle: Why is your tape disperser so massive?

Johnson: Hmm. Because I like a lot of tapes.

[Boss walks in and opens the tape dispenser]

Boss: God! He’s going to the bathroom in his oversized office supplies.
Johnson: But I go to the bathroom down the hall.

Boss: What is wrong with you?

Johnson: I just need–

Boss: [yelling] Why would you do this?

Johnson: The voiceover said it would save time for business.

Boss: What have you been working on?

Johnson: I don’t know. I’ve been too busy going to the bathroom.

Boss: It smells like [bleep] in here.

Johnson: [sobbing] Am I fired?

Boss: Yes!

[Johnson is walking out]

And take that [bleep] with you.

Johnson: Right. Yeah, of course.

[Johnson tries to carry them all at once. He spills all the toilet on the hallway.]

Female voice: Undercover Office Potty. Be gold Be true. Make the bathroom come to you.

The Californians- Replacing Rosa

Kate McKinnon

Devin… Bill Hader

Stuart… Fred Armisen

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Male voice: Next on “The Californians.”

[Cut to Kate walking inside a house]

Kate: [talking on the phone] No. I’m at the property. I recognized it right away from the Bouganvia from the Cascading over the security gate. But no one’s here.

Devin: I am. [Kate is shocked] Sorry to startle you.

Kate: that’s okay. I love these beautiful beach wood floor.

Devin: Rosa cleaned them with California Meyer lemons. I miss Rosa. Look how smart she was. [Devin shows a picture of Rosa]

Kate: Oh. So what happened to Rosa anyway? Why would she give up this primo made gig?

Devin: Well, if you wanna know the truth.

Kate: Um-hmm. Tell me.

[Stuart comes in]

Stuart: Devin! What are you doing here and what were you about to say?

Devin: You weren’t here, Stuart. So, I had to show your new maid around.

Kate: I’m not a maid. I’m an estate manager from Marina, LA.

Stuart: Sorry, I’m late. Traffic run LAX was insane because Trump is in town. I drove my convertible Corvette up Sepulveda, took it to Sentinela, turned down on La Brea, took it all the way straight.

Devin: Well, you would have been on time if you had took culvar to the one, then turned right on sunset. That’s what it says to do on Google Maps.

Stuart: Devin, I use Ways.

Devin: That’s why you ended up in Englewood, bro. Ways isn’t always right, Stuart.

Stuart: Yes, it is, Devin! I love Ways.

Devin: Google Maps gives you traffic updates, Stuart.

Kate: Wait. I’m sorry. So, why did Rosa decide to leave?

Stuart: I can’t think about that right now. I have my Athleisure wear launch.

Devin: Rosa was deported.

[Everybody is dramatic making faces] [They all walk to the mirror and look at themselves] [Cut to “The Californians” intro]

Male voice: “The Californians.”

[Cut to four people hanging out]

Stuart: Thank you all for coming to my launch party.

Kenan: To Stuart’s new Athleisure wear.

Alex: Cheers to West Coast fit. I’m ready to invest.

Cecily: And Stuart, I’m so excited to be your company model. I can’t wait to wear your Athleisure on my Sunrise [gibberish] beach.

Stuart: Sumner, you’ve got the perfect look for that West Coast fit.

Kenan: Stuart, this party is a hit. Nothing could ruin it, man.

[Devin walks in]

Devin: Oh, yeah? What if I told everybody your wife left for a marine biologist in Fresno?

Stuart: You don’t know what you’re talking about, Devin. You’re drunk on that California sparkling rosé.

Devin: I’m not drunk to know that she got in her Prius hybrid and drove straight up the five towards 99 North then took exit onethirtyone.

Cecily: Exit onethirtyone? That’s the aquarium in Fresno.

Devin: She did it to get away from you, Stuart.

[emotional music playing in background]

Stuart: I just want to run away up the one-ten. On the shoulder.

[Pete walks in. He has long hair and is wearing brown leather jacket.]

Pete: I have something to say.

Devin: Who are you?

Pete: I’m Rosa’s long lost son. She told me my father would be here. His name is Devin?

Devin: [making dramatic face] What?

Pete: What is with that accent? Where are you guys from?

Stuart: We’re from California.

Pete: Well, I’m from Encino and I’ve never heard anything like that before.

[Again, everybody is making dramatic faces] [They all walk to the mirror and look at themselves] [Cut to “The Californians” outro]

Jurassic Park Auditions

Hugh Grant… Alex Moffat

Alan Alda, Al Pacino, Clint Eastwood… Bill Hader

Ellen DeGeneres, Lisa Kudrow, Jodie Foster… Kate McKinnon

Wesley Snipes, Jaleel White… Chris Redd

Roseanne Barr… Aidy Bryant

Gwen Stefoni… Melissa Villaseñor

Joey Lawrence… Kyle Mooney

Drew Barrymore… Heidi Gardner

Pee Wee Herman… Mikey Day

Whoopi Golberg… Leslie Jones

Adam Sandler… Pete Davidson

Sinbad, OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Eddie Vedder… Luke Null

[starts with video clips from the Jurassic Park]

Male voice: 25 years ago, Steven Spielberg opened the door to Jurassic Park. And inside those doors, spoiler alert, were dinosaurs. Now, as part of the 25th anniversary rerelease, you can watch the original 1992 screen test.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Hugh Grant for Dr. Alan Grant.

Hugh Grant: [speaking fast] Yes. Hate to be a bother but if you look behind you, there’s a bit of a T-Rex. And I thought perhaps we should move faster? To escape? It’s a rather large teeth.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Alon Alda for Muldoon.

Alon Alda: [acting like he’s holding a gun] Clever girl. When dinosaur comes out and attacks me? Oh, you guys, that is great. That is just terrific. And how you guys gonna shoot the dinosaurs? Is it gonna be forced perspective? You know, that’s how we shot Jamie Farr on “Mash.” Yeah, I know. He’s only about two feet tall.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Ellen DeGeneres for Dr. Sattler.

Ellen DeGeneres: Alright, wow. That’s a gigantic pile of dino poop. I’ve had stools on stage before but this is ridiculous. I’m just kidding. I’m 90’s Ellen.

[Cut to Wesley Snipes]

Wesley Snipes: Hey, I’m telling y’all. Spend your money. Alright? IRS can’t take it if it’s already spent. Can’t take something already gone. That’s a tax loophole for you, brother.

Director: Wesley.

Wesley Snipes: Huh?

Director: Could we get the line?

Wesley Snipes: Oh, yeah.  Bingo, dino DNA. Now, if y’all want my accountant’s number it’s 1900–

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Roseanne Barr for John Hammond.

Roseanne Barr: Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Director: Nope.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Adam Sandler for Muldoon.

Adam Sandler: Alright. Thank you.

[singing in squeaky voice] turkey lurkey doo and turkey lurkey dee
I like the T-Rex, does T-Rex like me?

[screaming] Just shut up!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Whoopi Golberg as Dr. Sattler.

Whoopi Goldberg: Well, let’s talk about it. Coz the last thing I need right now is dinosaurs. And then, I’ll get he dinosaur look like [making face] [Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Pee Wee Herman.

Pee Wee Herman: Ha-ha. Uh-uh-uh! You didn’t say the magic word. Ha! Ha! Ha-ha.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Drew Barrymore for Dr. Sattler.

Drew Barrymore: [in shaky voice] There are brontosauruses and brachiosauruses and apatosauruses. But I have to wonder, are we playing god?.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Joey Lawrence from Blossom.

Director: Okay, react to seeing a dinosaur for the first time.

Joey Lawrence: Whoa!

Director: Alright. Wanna try anything else?

Joey Lawrence: No!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Gwen Stefoni as the teenage girl.

Gwen Stefoni: I’m just a girl. Don’t need me, big dinosaur.

Director: Can we get a frighten scream?

Gwen Stefoni: [in girly way] Oooh!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Sinbad.

[Sinbad is there with a mic doing standup.]

Sinbad: Now, y’all know that my wife is a triceratops, right? Yeah. I wait downstairs while she tries on several touch. How y’all doing? Y’all good?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Al Pacino.

Al Pacino: Welcome to Jurassic Park, you dumb [bleep].

Director: Hey, Al Pacino, this movie is supposed to be PG.

Al Pacino: PG? That’s gonna be a [bleep] nightmare for this guy. No, no, no, no, no, no. Alright, which dinosaur do I buy the cocaine from?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Lisa Kudrow.

Lisa Kudrow: Well, there’s T-Rex. And must- must move faster. Must move faster. Oh, no. Oh, no. Must move faster.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jaleel White.

Director: Okay, so you just let all the dinosaurs loose on the island.

Jaleel White: Did I do that? I got bitches in my trailer. I gotta go, man.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Eddie Vedder for the soundtrack.

Eddie Vedder: [singing] Raptors are opening, opening the door. Daddy!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jodie Foster as Mr. DNA.

Jodie Foster: [whispering] Sometimes a mosquito would get caught in the sap. It was so sticky. So sticky.

Director: Could you try it a little happier?

Jodie Foster: [whispering] That’s the happiest I’ve ever been. Today is my birthday.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: Okay. So, if I did let the dinosaurs out, let me tell you how I would have done it. Hypothetically. Man, 1992. Phew. It is good to be OJ right now. Ain’t nothing gonna slow this train down. Go, OJ, Go.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Clin Eastwood. Take one.

Clint Eastwood: Welcome to Jurassic Park. [he has think long fake dinosaur tail] [Cut to Jurassic Park video bumper]

Male voice: The 25th anniversary , Jurassic Park.

Irish Dating Show

Aden Kilkenny… Beck Bennett

Nial… Bill Hader

Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Molly… Aidy Bryant

Diobhan… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Hi there, you’re watching Ireland One, the only channel on telly not controlled by the bleeding British. Next up, it’s our number one dating show, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.”

[Cut to Aden Kilkenny walking to the game stage]

Aden Kilkenny: Hi. Welcome to Kiss Me I’m Irish. I’m your host Aden Kilkenny. Today, one fellow will choose between three Irish roses to see which one smells the sweetest. Let’s meet our Danny boy.

Nial: [strong Irish accent] I’m called Nial. I’m from Dangle. My favorite food is gray. My claim to fame is that I’ve punched Bono in the back of the head. At least I think it was Bono.

Aden Kilkenny: Better be safe than sorry. And what kind of girl re you hoping to meet?

Nial: Not to be too picky but a gal I suppose. Unmarried.

Aden Kilkenny: Well, you’re in luck. We’ve got three of them behind that wall there. Each one is beautiful as their skin is bright red under their makeup. Let’s meet them.

Eileen: [strong Irish accent] Hi. I’m Eileen. I’m a good catholic girl which means I love god and god hates me coz I’m thinking impure thoughts about you.

Molly: Hi, I’m Molly. I’m Irish American. But I live over here because I’m studying stones. And if you follow this rainbow, you might get a pot of gold.

Diobhan: [strong Irish accent] I’m Siobhan. I’m from Dylan. I’ve got 35 suspicious freckles in my body. But I’m looking for a guy to check the ones I can’t see.

Nial: I’ve got a cousin Siobhan from Dylan. Siobhan O’Conor.

Diobhan: Ay! That’s me.

Nial: Is it now? What are the chances?

Molly: Cousins? Well, it sounds like my chances just got a little better.

Aden Kilkenny: What are you saying, Nial? First impression of the girls?

Nial: Well, number three is my cousin. So, she is definitely off to an early lead. The contestants one and two, I’m open to learn more about you.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, seems like there’s some competition. Nial, what’s your first question?

Nial: Call me old fashioned, but I like a girl who knows her way around the kitchen. Number three, what would you make me for supper?

Molly: Um, wait. The cousin is still playing?

Diobhan: That’s easy. I’d make our Nana’s famous pope’s pie. I know how much you loved it as a kid.

Nial: Great answer.

Eileen: I’m sorry but this is ridiculous.

Molly: I know. Right? Like, what is going on?

Eileen: She’s got such a leg upon us coz they’re cousins. How are we supposed to compete with that?

Molly: Okay. That was not what I was gonna say.

Aden Kilkenny: Alright. Settle down. Plenty of bachelors on the show. I’ve picked a girl other than their non-cousins.

Nial: Trust me. One and two, you’re very much both still in the game. Which brings me to the next question. Contestant one, where would you take me on your first dte?

Eileen: Well, that’s easy. I’d take you to my favorite pub up in Dylan, the Stone Bone. The drinks are free and we can stay past closed coz I know the owner. He’s my dad.

Nial: I know the owner too. He’s my uncle. Eileen, it’s me, your cousin Nial.

Eileen: Handsome Nial?

Nial: St. John’s ghost, this game just got a lot more competitive.

Molly: Wait, more competitive? You’re related. The game should be over.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, I’m afraid. You’re in tough spot, Molly. Very rarely does the bachelor pick the non-cousin when there are two cousins in the running. Alright, you lucky boy. Next question.

Nial: Ladies, what’s your idea of a romantic evening? Let’s start with contestant number two.

Molly: I guess dinner with a guy who isn’t related to me?

Nial: Picky picky. How about you, contestant number one?

Eileen: My idea of romantic evening would be weddings, funerals and holy communions coz that’s when I get to see you.

[Audience going ‘Aww’]

Molly: Wait, the audience likes that?

Nial: Contestant number three, your turn. What’s your idea of romantic evening?

Diobhan: Oh, I think you remember. Three good Fridays ago, an alley behind the fish mongers.

Nial: Oh. That I do. That I do.

Molly: Ew! So you already hooked up with your cousin?

Diobhan: Calm down. We didn’t have sex. We just had sex. We didn’t get married or nothing.

Molly: Ew! Is this common here? Aren’t you guys worried about like, deformities from inbreeding?

Nial: What? Like bird bones? Soft skull? Strawberry nose? Tic-tac teeth? Brown blood? One big toe? Great advice, but you’re about 500 years too late.

Eileen: You see, that’s why I always had a crush on him coz he’s got it going on up here. [pointing at the forehead. She has a deformed hand.]

Molly: Okay. I’m gonna stay but only because I’m morbidly curious about who is gonna win.

[choir sound]

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, that sound means father Mike is coming to hear a confession. So, its time for us to take a quick break. I’m Aden Kilkenny, and we’ll be right back.