Narrator: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[Cut to Colin and Michael in the news set]
Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at the left top corner] Well, this week Robert Mueller released the teaser trailer for “Trump: End Game”[Picture changes to a picture of cover picture of a movie. It mimics “The Avengers End Game” movie] . Federal prosecutors said Friday that [Picture changes to Donald Trump on the left and Michael Cohen on the right] Michael Cohen committed two election-related crimes at the direction of a person identified as “Individual-1”. Now, we don’t know for sure who Individual-1 is. But let’s just say things are pretty tense right now over at Individual-1 tower.[Picture changes to a tower that says “Individual-1 Tower”, mimicking “Trump Tower”]
Earlier today, Trump called the Mueller Report [Picture changes to Trump’s tweet] “Collusion Illusion,” Which is also my favorite Guns N’ Roses album. And yesterday Trump tweeted [Picture changes to another tweet by Trump] with no context or explanation—“Totally clears the President, Thank you.” Sounds like somebody has been reading “The Secret”. By the way I don’t blame Trump for thinking that his tweets have magical power. I mean, just this week his tweets about China were able to tank the entire stock market. But at some point if every single person you hire gets indicted, the odds are you have something to do with it. I mean [Picture changes to friends of Trump as elves] if all of Santa’s Elves and all of Santa’s Reindeer got busted by the Feds, you would not expect Santa to tweet [Picture changes to made up tweet by Santa] “Totally clear for Christmas, thank you”.
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right tope corner] Trump is now calling for an end to the Mueller probe which I got to admit, is worth a shot. I mean, you don’t want to go to jail and then find out you could have just called it off the whole time. The scariest thing about watching Trump be president is that he tries all the things that I would try. [The picture changes to a tweet by Donald Trump] President Trump also tweeted that he will be doing a major counter report to the Mueller report. Well you better hurry up, bud, because you only get one hour a day on that prison computer. Also, nothing says you’re guilty more than making a counter report before the Mueller report is out. It’s like watching “Cops” and as soon as they pull off the house, there’s already a shirtless guy on the lawn saying, “Okay, first of all, she’s lying.”
Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Kelly on the left top corner] President Trump said that John Kelly, his Chief of Staff is leaving the position at the end of the year because Kelly requires extensive surgery to remove [Picture changes to John Kelly with face palm] his palm to his face. [Picture changes to Trump at left and John Kelly at right] That’s how awful it is to work in the Trump White House. John Kelly spent 40 years in the Marines, he did three tours in Iraq and he couldn’t finish one tour with Donald Trump.
Trump also announced that he his Attorney General nominee will be [Picture of John Kelly changes to William Barr] William Barr who served as Attorney General from ’91 to ’93. A reboot of someone with the last name Barr who was big in the early ‘90s? What could go wrong! [Picture changes to Matthew Whitaker] Barr would replace Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker, who previously served as The Body Suit for Krang.[Picture changes to Donald Trump] And memorial services for former president George H.W. Bush were held this week. Many observers said that president Trump looked bored. But I think he was just getting an idea. He was thinking, “Wait, maybe before the whole Mueller report comes out, I should just fake my own death and escape to the last place anyone would ever look for me—[Picture changes to Donald Trump with Mexican hat and a mustache] Mexico.” And you know that Trump will be the first guy to ever fake his own death [Picture changes to made up tweet my Donald Trump that says “I’m dead. Sad!”] via tweet.