Paul Rudd Is Hosting the Best SNL Season Finale | Season 44 Episode 21

Paul Rudd: Hi, I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m hosting the season finale of SNL with DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: Another one.

Paul Rudd: Hi, I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m hosting the season finale of SNL with DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: Another one.

Paul Rudd: Hi, I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m —

DJ Khalid: No, no. Her.

Cecily Strong: Hi, I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m hosting–

Paul Rudd: Yo! I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m hosting the season finale of SNL with DJ Khalid.

Cecily Strong: Season finale. So we got the best DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: The best.

Cecily Strong: Cecily Strong.

DJ Khalid: The Best.

Paul Rudd: Paul Rudd.

DJ Khalid: Not bad.

Paul Rudd: I’ll take it.

What’s Wrong with This Picture | Season 44 Episode 21

Elliott Pants … Kenan Thompson

Gina … Aidy Bryant

Steven … Pete Davidson

Louis … Paul Rudd

[Starts with intro of the show]

Announcer: It’s time to play What’s Wrong With This Picture.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants : Hello, everybody, I’m your host Elliott Pants. Welcome to another round of What’s Wrong With This Picture. The rules are simple. All you got to do is look at a picture, tell me what’s wrong with it. If you’re right, you might win a Toyota beef. The first car for thick boys. Contestants, are you ready to play? Gina?

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Yes, daddy.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : I don’t like that. Steven.

[Cut to Steven]

Steven: I didn’t come here to make friends, but I would like it to happen.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Okay. Louis?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: What’s up?

[Cut to Elliott] Elliott Pants : I’m introducing you.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Okay. I guess this is who is available at 2 PM on a weekday. Let’s go to your first puzzle. Who can tell me what’s wrong with this picture?

[There’s a cartoon picture of a boy and a girl playing swing. The swing has rope only at one side.]

There’s something very wrong with this picture. Can you spot it?

[Cut to the contestants] [Steven presses the button] [beep sound]

Steven: Oh, I got it. They’re siblings who know they shouldn’t have kissed.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : What? No. That’s not close.

Steven: Oh, man.


Elliott Pants : Louis.

Louis: Her hair has too many shrimps in it.

Elliott Pants : I’m sorry. Did you say shrimp?

Louis: By her ears are shrimp.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No, those are her pig tails. Yeah. That’s not shrimp. Getting a little worried about this.



[Cut to Gina]

Gina: He’s pointing at her butt door and explaining its features.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No. Something in this picture is physically impossible.

[beep] [Cut to Steven]

Steven: They’re gay.

Elliott Pants : What?

Steven: Boys and girls can’t be gay on each other. That don’t work. Has to be the same.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No. I’ll give you a hint. Something is missing in the picture.



[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Love. Plus the knockers behind them don’t have nipples.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Okay. That’s a bush.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, that’s inappropriate.

[Cut to Elliott and the picture]

Elliott Pants : Can you really not see it? The swing is missing a rope.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Then why are they smiling?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Because his jeans leave very little to the imagination and they like that.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Well, that made me angry. All right. Here is your next picture.

[There is a cartoon picture of a woman looking at a mirror. There is a belt in the reflection but not on her.] [beep]


[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Yeah, I got it. She’s 4 years old but the boobies grew too fast.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Oh, my god, no.

[beep] [Cut to Louis]

Louis: The twins are in the fish tank and she can’t get out.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : That is not a fish tank, that is a mirror.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Then where are all the fish?

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : I hate you.



[Cut to Steven]

Steven: Oh, I see it now. The answer is she just did blackface and got away with it. The only problem is she got the job. Now what?

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No. Now, stop it. The reflection is wearing a belt. It’s wearing a belt. All right, next.

[The picture changes to an office desk. The calendar reads 31 June] [beep] [Cut to Gina]

Gina: Oh, I know. Her chair is empty because she just got raptured. But once she got up there, god did a twirl and his robe flew up and she thinks she saw his thing.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Gross! Wrong.

[beep] [Cut to Steven]

Steven: The objects come to life at night but the only problem is they’re poor.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : For the love of—

[beep] [Cut to Louis]

Louis: That computer has a virus and I hate to tell you, but it’s AIDS.

[Cut to Elliott. He is holding his head.] [Cut to Steven]

Steven: Uh, are you okay. Mr. Pant.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No. And it’s Pants. Look at that. What is that?

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: A date tent?

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : That is not a tent. There is no such thing as June 31st. Okay. We’re doing exactly one more of these.

[There is a cartoon picture of a girl playing roller blade on ice]

What’s wrong with this picture?

[beep] [Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, she’s wearing roller-blades instead of ice skates.

[right answer beep] [Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Oh, my god, that’s right. And I think it’s my wife. Can I say hi?

[Cut to everybody]

Elliott Pants : That is a drawing. [Cut to Elliott and Louis] This has been what’s wrong with this picture.

Louis: What are you doing?

Elliott Pants : We got to start screening these people.

Weekend Update Trump’s Iran Conflict Confusion | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. What’s wrong with you? Hey, stop it. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of newspaper titles on left top corner that says ‘Roe V. Wate in jeopardy’]

Well, this season of SNL started in 2018, but it looks like it’s going to end up somewhere back in the 1970s.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump

Amid rising tensions with Iran there were rumors that the White house is now going to send 120 thousand more troops to the middle east but don’t worry, President Trump set the record straight with this firm and reassuring message.

[Cut to a video clip of Donald Trump.]

Media: Mr. President are we going to war with Iran?

Donald Trump: Hope not.

[Cut to Colin]

Colin Jost: You know it’s up to you, right man? You don’t have to pass off every decision to [Picture changes to John Bolton] John Bolton, the Islamophobic Lorax. And now Lawmakers for both sides of the aisle are demanding more information on what exactly the Iran threat even is. So far the only evidence the administration has provided is this [Picture of Will Smith as genie from the movie Aladdin] disturbing image.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: China retaliated to president Trump’s tariffs by imposing their own tariffs on products the US sells to China. Wiat, what the hell do we sell to China besides Marvel movies and credit card debt? I’ve never been to China but I have been to Chinatown. And one thing I can tell you is that anything we have, they can just make for themselves. All they got to do is change one letter and sell a billion Abble watches.

[Cut to Colin. There is pictures of Jared Kushnr and Stephen Miller at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller who both have resting evil face, have spent months together working on the Trump administration’s new immigration plan. What I would not give to be a fly on that wall, watching all the other flies swarm around their master. [Picture changes to moon and a logo of NASA] And in a plan backed by the Trump administration, NASA has announced it will send the first woman to the moon by 2024. Unfortunately it’s against her will. [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] It’s a plan they’re referring to as ‘Launch Her Up’.

[cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Alyssa Milano at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Actress Alyssa Milano has called on women to go on a sex strike to protest restrictive new abortion laws. Look, I support that, but I just don’t think the republican senators are getting Alyssa Milano level sex at home. I bet if their wives said, “I’m on sex strike”, they would be like, “Cool, I’ll be at the airport men’s room, don’t wait up for me.”

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Alabama’s Abortion Ban | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: This week Alabama passed a near total ban on abortion. And what many say is part of larger effort to overturn Roe V. Wade, here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Jeslie Jones joins Colin]

Leslie Jones: Yes!

Colin Jost: Are you in a ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ outfit?

Leslie Jones: Well, basically we are all handmaids now, so my name is actually Of-Jost. But I don’t know how good [Cut to Leslie] of a baby maker I’m going to be because my eggs as dusty as hell. but I’d give it a shot.

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: I don’t think Leslie. I don’t think the society is quite there yet.

Leslie Jones: No? [Leslie opens her outer. She is wearing a shirt that says ‘Mine’ and has a arrow pointing down.] You would think that, right? You would really think that, but this is how it starts. I’m not living my life when I see on the news a bunch of states are trying to ban abortion, and then tell me what I can and can’t do with my body. Next thing you know, I’m in Starbucks, and they won’t take my credit card because I’m a woman instead of the regular reason, which is why I don’t have no money on it. And what made me really mad was seeing the 25 Alabama senators who voted for the abortion ban. Throw that picture up.

[Cut to pictures of 25 Alabama senators who voted for abortion ban.]

Look at them. All men.

[Cut to Leslie. the picture is not at left top corner.]

This looks like the casting call for a Lipitor commercial. This looks like the mug shots of everyone arrested at a massage parlor. And if any of them had lips, I would tell them to kiss my entire ass. You can’t control women. You can’t control women. Because I don’t know if you heard, but women are the same as humans. And I’m Leslie Dracarys Jones. I mean, why do all these weird ass men care about what women choose to do with their bodies anyway? I don’t care what you do with your 65-year-old droopy ass balls. And how is Alabama’s woman governor going along with this? What? Me? I’m rebellious from the top. When people tell me “Good morning”, I say, “No, it’s not! You don’t know my morning. Don’t take away my choice to have a bad morning.” Because when women have a choice, women have freedom.

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: Right. You tell ‘em, Leslie.

[Leslie stares at Colin]

Leslie Jones: Shut up! You flat white privilege latte.

[Cut to Leslie]

Look, the fact that nine states are doing this means this really is a war on women. And if you’re a woman out there and you feel scared or confused, just know that you’re not alone. There are so many women out there that got your back. Especially me. Leslie Dracarys Bad Bitch Jones. You can’t tell me what to do with my body. You can’t make me small or put me in a box. I’m 6 feet tall and 233 pounds. Ain’t no box big enough to hold me. And I know because one time I tried to mail myself to a dude.

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Jeanine Pirro on Her Fox News Suspension | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Fox News host Jeanine Pirro has lost up to 20% of her advertisers since making controversial comments about a Muslim congresswoman. Here to comment is Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to Jeaning Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Hello, I’m judge Jeanine Pirro, and I just want to thank the brave sponsors who stuck with me despite the accusations by the radical Looney left.  To companies like Jeep I say thank you. And to Mitsubishi I say, Domo Arigato, Cobra Kai. Sorry Daniel-San, so wax off.

[Jeanine is showing kung-fu stances] [Cut to Jeanine and Colin]

Colin Jost: I just want to tell you. You don’t have to be so loud, I can hear you.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, no can do, bud.

[Cut to Jeanine]

20 years ago I yelled at a waiter because my cobb salad had a cranberry in it. And now I’m locked at this volume every day for the rest of my life.

[Cut to Jeaning and Colin]

Colin Jost: Well, It’s rumored that Fox has only kept you on the air because Donald Trump personally called the network on your behalf.

[Cut to Jeanine]

Jeanine Pirro: Yes, that is because Donald Trump is a class act. He is the Michael Jordan of presidents and the Wesley Snipes of Taxes. He’s a win in the boardroom. And sometimes wizzes a little in bedroom.

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin] Colin Jost: Judge Jeanine, I hate to ask this, but have you been drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Colin, please! [Cut to Jeanine] I haven’t been drinking. [Jeaning takes out her Bloody Mary glass] I currently am drinking. I vow to enjoy a drink every time President Trump ignores a congressional subpoena. And let me tell, mama is a lizard.

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin]

Colin Jost: All right, well, despite Trump’s stonewalling, it’s likely Robert Mueller will testify before congress.

[Jeanine spits all the Bloody Mary over Colin’s face]

Jeanine Pirro: What? Colin, look. That’s a terrible idea. The report is done. Senor Mueller has spoken and he said no Hablo collusion man.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m going to let you finish this next sip before I say this.

Jeanine Pirro: Okay.

Colin Jost: Okay. The democrats could make him testify if they start impeachment proceedings.

[Jeanine throws the Bloody Mary off the glass on Colin’s face]

Jeanine Pirro: What? Colin Jessica Jost, impeachment would be crazy. Okay? That is the last resort of the Loopy Loco left who hate this president and his stick mac daddy energy.

Colin Jost: What the hell are you talking about? I don’t think that’s the case because– and I’m glad that your drink is gone–

Jeanine Pirro: It’s Bloody Mary.

[Cut to Jeanine, Colin and Michael.]

Colin Jost: I’m glad your drink is gone.

[Michael gives Jeanine another glass of Bloody Mary]

Michael Che: I got an extra one.

Colin Jost: No! No! Why would you do that?

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin.]

Why would you do that?

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you, thank you, Kenan. Wonderful. What a nice guy. Funny, too.

Colin Jost: So, I’m just going to ask this now. So, by ignoring the subpoenas, and I’m just going to hold your arm for this part, [Colin hold’s Jeanine’s hand] by ignoring the subpoenas, Trump might actually give democrats more reason to impeach.

[Jeanine throws the bloody Mary off the glass on her other hand on Colin’s face.]

Jeanine Pirro: What! No! No! Colin!

Colin Jost: I’m so wet. Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Weekend Update Colin Jost and Michael Che Switch Jokes | Season 44 Episode 21

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of an island at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that more than 400 million pieces of plastic has washed up on a remote island in the Indian ocean. For reference, here is what 40,000 million pieces of plastic look like. [The picture changes to ‘The Kardashians’] Comedian Chris Rock [Picture changes to Chris Rock with Saw logo.] is teaming up with Lionsgate on a reboot of the movie  ‘Saw’, which I am assuming will be called ‘Seent’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Boston city at left top corner.] [Colin is laughing]

That’s a fun joke.Colin Jost: Well, a new survey ranks the Boston accent as one of the sexiest accents in America. But keep in mind, the survey was conducted by [Picture changes to front page of a magazine] catastrophic hearing loss magazine. [Picture changes to cartoon clip of Arthur.] Conservatives are upset over a new episode of the PBS children’s cartoon Arthur in which Arthur’s teacher is revealed to be gay. Meanwhile no one seems to care that [The picture changes to Pepa Pig] Pepa Pig’s head is a full-on penis.

[Cut to Colin and Michael] [Michael is laughing]

Well, tonight is the last show of the season, and Che and I have decided that our end of the year gifts to each other would be jokes.

Michael Che: Yeah. So we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And the idea, Michael, isn’t to try to sabotage each other. It’s to just give over here fun jokes.

Michael Che: Uh-huh, why don’t you go first?

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin. there is a picture of an article that says ‘White Lightning Sets Record’.]

A student in Texas who is nicknamed ‘White Lightning’ set a high school record by running the hundred-meter dash in 9.98 seconds. Coincidentally, people call me white lightning because I also finish in under 10 seconds.

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of a god at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Doctors in Iowa have confirmed a dog disease that can be passed to humans. Fine, I’ll wear a condom.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of a chimpanzee at left top corner.]

Oh, wow. Okay.

Colin Jost: A new report finds that as people move into formerly wild areas of Africa, human activity is disrupting chimpanzee culture. Incidentally, chimpanzee culture is also what my grandpa calls hip-hop. Why?

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa. [Michael is shaking his head.] I wouldn’t have said that. Pope Francis ended a Vatican summit by promising the catholic church would confront the clergy sex abuse head-on, instead of their usual way, face down, ass up. What?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. with a tag ‘Teacher Forced To Resign’ at left top corner.] [Colin sees the picture of Martin Luther King Jr.]

Colin Jost: Oh, come on.

Michael Che: Oh, no, I think this will be good.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m sure. A substitute teacher in North Carolina has resigned after she reportedly told a class of elementary students that Martin Luther King Jr. Killed himself. In her defense, he is the one who decided to keep running his mouth. Why!

[Cut to Colin and Michael. Michael is laughing.]

You’re going to get me murdered.

The View Pete Buttigieg | Season 44 Episode 21

Whoopie Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joe Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Meghan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Paul Rudd

Chasten Buttigieg… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Can you believe they’re not mic’d?

[Cut to the set]

Whoopie Goldberg: Hello, hello. This is The View, the most high stakes brunch on television. [Cut to Whoopie] I’m Whoopie Goldberg. Later today we’ll be talking about dinosaurs, are they scary or they just silly? But up first is hot topics. [Cut to Whoopie and Abby] This week Alabama pass a near total ban on abortion. We’re about to pop off. We’ll start with Amy Huntsman.

Abby Huntsman:  Thanks, Whoop, it’s Abby but I can change it. [Cut to Abby] They’re calling this the war on women. I don’t think women should fight. I think women should be best friends like us. Right, Joy?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: Yeah, sure, sweetie. Listen, I want to talk about the guys who passed this bill. Maybe they’re so concerned with what happens to a six-week-old fetus because they all look like one. Blobby Nothings with beady eyes and big foreheads. They’re like, oh, my god, it’s me. What do you want? Laugh, don’t, I get paid the same.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: This law is backwards. It is regressive. It is texting your ex, honey, you don’t want to do that. It’s backwards, it’s regressive. It is– Oh, no, I’m skipping.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay, can I talk now? Okay, I am the only daughter at this table. So, I have to say, these senators are actually very good and fun guys, so I am spending love to Clyde Chambliss, Shay Shelnutt and Garland Gujer. And those are all real names, okay? Please, please, guys, let me talk.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: No one else is talking.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay. You see, and I’m getting attacked, and as the person most upset right now, I am right.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: We got a live wire. Anything’s going to set her off.

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie is making noise juggling her coins.]

What, what?

Whoopie Goldberg: Down, down, no, down!

[Cut to Whoopie]

Our guest today is one of the many democrats running for president. He’s also the youngest. Please give it up for Pete Buttigieg.

[Pete Buttigieg walks in to the set]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello.

Joe Behar: Hi. How are you?

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I’m ready to work. See my exposed forearms?

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: Now, I hear when you grow up, you want to be president.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I am grown up.

Everybody: Aww.

Pete Buttigieg: I may only be 37 years old but I do feel like I represent everyday Americans. I’m just a Harvard educated, Multilingual War Veteran Rhodes scholar. I’m just like you.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: Oh my god! So young, so impressive. Can you fix my phone? I got like 8,000 unread emails.

Pete Buttigieg: Look, ladies, I’m here to talk about issues, like climate change. There you go, I fixed it.

Joe Behar: Okay. You’re my nephew. My nephew for president.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Okay. And you have an unusual name. How do you pronounce that?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Pete.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Oh, okay. I was thinking Pad Thai like the Japanese spaghetti.

[Cut to Whoopie, Abby, Joe and Pete]

Whoopie Goldberg: So you really think that you’re ready to be president?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Am I ready? [Speaking in Spanish] [Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: And what was that last one?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: A language I made up to speak to Gnomes.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: I got to ask because I’m sure it come up. You’re gay.

Pete Buttigieg: That’s not a question. But I do want to say that I wouldn’t be running for president if I didn’t believe America was ready to accept not only a gay man but a boring gay man in public eye.

[Cut to Pete, Ana and Meghan]

Ana Navarro: I think I saw your husband backstage. Bring him out.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, no, I’m here to talk about my policies.

Ana Navarro and Meghan McCain: Husband, husband! Husband!

[Chasten enters the set]

Chasten Buttigieg: Hello, I’m Chasten Buttigieg.

Pete Buttigieg: He took the name Buttigieg. That’s commitment, right?

[Cut to Meghan laughing only after few seconds]

Meghan McCain: Ha-ha-ha, yes, be my friend or I’ll die.

[Cut to Joe, Pete and Chasten]

Chasten Buttigieg: Wow, this is all so new to me. Usually I’m just home with the dog.

Joe Behar: You’re gay and you have dogs? I’m sorry. I love that. I’m voting for you. Mayor Pete, we love you, we can never forget about Joe Biden. [Cut to everybody]

Ana Navarro: Take me to Delaware.

Whoopie Goldberg: We love him.

Joe Behar: My Prez.

Ana Navarro: Oh, Joe.

[Cut to Whoopie hugging her Joe Biden printed pillow] [Song’s playing]

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Well, thank you both for being here. Joy, you need to let me talk.

Joe Behar: I have said nothing all day!

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie blowing blow horn.]

Joe Behar: What?

Whoopie Goldberg: Not today, Satan.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Coming up after the break, prison reform and Elon Musk teaches us to vape. This is The View.

[Ends with outro]

Paul Rudd’s Best Man Speech | Monologue | Season 44 Episode 21

Paul Rudd

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [music playing]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rudd.

[Paul Rudd walks in the door and up to the stage.] [Cheers and applause]

Speaker 1: Thank you. Thank you, thank you so much. I am so thrilled to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live. [Cheers and applause] Hands down the most anticipated finale of this weekend. You know, I’ve hosted this show a few times now. And what I’ve learned is that these monologues, they should be a little funny, but they should also be heartfelt, sort of like a best man’s speech at a wedding. And well, tonight I would like to be your best man. So could we maybe get some champagne out here, something warm and flat?

[Two tall waiters come in, one hands over Paul a glass of champagne and the other puts a rose on his suit]

Thank you. Hello. Wow. Goodness. They’re tall. When I officially first met SNL in 2008, I was like, this guy is crazy. You were doing sketches about some guy named Barack. I hadn’t done a marvel movie yet so I was still treating people pretty well. Times have changed. Not a lot of people know this, but you and I, we used to kind of make out. I think we have some pictures of that.

[Cut to pictures of Paul Rudd’s kisses on SNL]

There wer are. Oh, man, were we nuts.

[Cut to Paul Rudd on stage]

SNL, you used to be a real dirty dog. I think like a thousand people have been on you. I know that sounds gross but hey, it was the ‘70s, ‘80s, ‘90s, and whatever this is. True story. I was actually right outside of this building on the night of the very first episode of SNL in 1975. I remember, because I had just turned 30. And I was working as a vomit boy at the studio 54. I thought, this isn’t for me. I thought I would be cleaning up vomit, but I was way off. So, I walked out. I started running. I found myself under a beautiful sign that said NBC. Out walked a guy who called himself Lorne. I went right up to him and I said, “Sir, one day I’ll be hosting your show.” And he said, “Guards, do your worst.” Funny how life works. After all of these years I knew we’d always be here for each other. Whenever you needed a host, and I needed to promote a movie. Now I’m just so honored to be hosting the finale of season 44. So hey, cheers to you. We’ve got a great show, DJ Khaled is here with like 200 friends. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

[Cheers and applause]

Ouija | Season 44 Episode 21

Dad… Paul Rudd

Christine… Heidi Gardner

Samantha… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Bealthor… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a clip of a house. Girls are laughing.] [Cut to the room where the girls are having fun and the dad enters the room]

Dad: Uh-oh. Dorky dad on the loose. You girls want some snacks? I’ve got pita chips, raisins and salt.

Christine: Okay, bye, dad.

Dad: All right, I’ll get out of your hair. Just let me know if you want any of those things.

[Dad leaves the room]

Christine: Sorry my dad. But hey, I thought of something scary we can do.

[Heidi brings ouija board to her friends]

Samantha:  Ooh, cool. Ouija board.

Ego Nwodim: Let’s get spooky.

Christine: Spirits, we call upon you to answer our questions. If you are here, give us a sign.

[Thunder sounds] [Smoke begins to come out of nowhere] [A demon comes out of the smoke]

Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] I am Bealthor, mistress of the nine hell. [Cut to everybody] Ha-ha-ha.

Kate McKinnon: Holy smokes, we summoned a demon.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Ask your question, mortals.

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Okay. I’ll go. Demon, which one of us will get married first?

[The girls get shy] [Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Ah, the whispers of the damned flow through my head. They say Samantha shall be first to wed.

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy Bryant: Aw, Samantha!

Samantha: Demon, thank you.

Kate McKinnon: Do you know, we should celebrate, you guys.

Girls: Pizza!

Aidy Bryant: Totally.

Christine: Pizza girls, at it again.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: I mean, I like pizza.

[Cut to the girls]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, I think we’re kind of done with Ouija stuff.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, same here. You know what we should get on our pizza? Pineapple!

[Cut to Samantha and Ego]

Samantha: Ew, that sounds gross.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah, pineapple is so gross. I was just joking about that. Hey, let’s watch a movie. Movie girls at it again.

[Cut to Samantha and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: I don’t know, Bealthor, it’s kind of late to start a movie.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah. I was thinking that too. As soon as I said it, I was like, “It’s too late.” I’m so stupid.

[Cut to everybody] [Dad enters the room]

Dad: Girls, [Cut to dad] why does the whole house smell like brimstone? Oh, hey, Ashley, right?

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: No, dad, this is Bealthor.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: Bealthor? Is that Greek? Mazeltov. Anyway, it turns out we ran out of pita chips. [Cut to Aidy, Samantha, Ego and dad] But wait a second, I think I do see something behind your ear. [Pulls a go-gurt from Ego’s ear as a magic] Oh, it’s a go-gurt. It’s the last one so take a squirt and pass it around. If you guys need me I’ll be downstairs, working that Swiffer.

[Dad leaves] [Cut to the girls]

Christine: Dads.

Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] Totally. My dad is all, I’m Satan, god cast me out of heaven, what a loser.

[Cut to the girls]

Samantha: What are you even talking about?

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: My bad, sorry for being weird. I’m just really struggling with my home life right now. And I guess I’ve been feeling really ugly lately.

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy Bryant: Um, hey–

Samantha: Don’t or she’ll never leave.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: I’m going to go to the bathroom.

[Bealthor leaves the room] [Cut to the girls. Dad enters the room.]

Dad: Guess who ordered Thai food. So, if you guys could just throw in five bucks that would be—where’s the Goth kid?

[Cut to everybody] [Phone rings. Bealthor is talking on the phone behind the door.]

Bealthor: Hi, Satan? Can you come pick me up? These girls are being super fake.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: I don’t believe that I’m hearing. Were you girls bullying Bealthor?

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Dad, she’s leaving.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: I don’t want to hear it, Christine. She has horns, big whoops. Maybe her differences are what make her cool.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I guess you’re right, Mr. Sanderson.

Kate McKinnon: You’re right. We’ll be nice.

[Bealthor enters the room]

Bealthor: Hey, so my dad says that I can’t spend the night. Anyway, I’m sorry for ruining your party.

[Bealthor walks to the door]

Dad: Bealthor, wait.

[Cut to dad and Bealthor]

These girls have something they would like to say. Girls?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate McKinnon: Bealthor, we’re sorry.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, we think it would be pretty ill if you spend the night.

[Cut to dad and Bealthor]

Bealthor: Really?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yes!

Bealthor: Yay. Hey, who wants to know how they’re going to die?

Everybody: Me!

Music Box | Season 44 Episode 21

Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney


Storekeeper… Paul Rudd

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people in an antiques store] Cecily Strong: What a beautiful antiques store.

Kyle Mooney: Honey, look at this old sign. [Cut to Cecily Strong and Kyle Mooney] It says, ‘I only drink on days that start with T. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.

Cecily Strong: That’s hilarious. We probably don’t need that since you’re not drinking anymore.

Kyle Mooney: Oh, right.

Cecily Strong: You do remember that conversation?

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, sure. Hey, look what Emily found.

[Cut to everybody]

Emily: Look!

Cecily Strong: Oh! [Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Kyle Mooney] Look, it’s a music box with a ballerina on top. You know, my grandmother had one of these.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Oh, that’s a wonderful choice. [Store keeper walks to them] They don’t make them like that anymore. And very affordable.

Cecily Strong: Our daughter just started ballet lessons.

Kyle Mooney: She’s not very good.

Cecily Strong: $60? I don’t know.

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Wind the bottom and she’ll dance for you.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Kyle Mooney] [Cecily Strong winds the bottom] [music playing]

Kyle Mooney: Oh, wow. Don’t you wish you could dance like that, sweetie?

Cecily Strong: The song is so pretty. Do you know the name of it?

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Of course. It’s ‘Fancy party’.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: ‘Fancy party’? I don’t know that.

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Sure you do. It’s a famous old beautiful song. Wind it again and let’s see if I remember the words.

[Cut to everybody] [Cecily Strong winds the bottom] [music playing] [Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: It started, the fancy party’s finally getting started

nothing can go wrong, owe wait, I farted,

I farted, now my whole world will never be the same.

[Cut to everybody]

And that’s ‘fancy party’.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: Hang on. The song ‘Fancy Party’ is about a ballerina having gas at a party?

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: That’s right. And the catastrophic effect it has on her life, relationships and dancing career.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: That’s not real.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Sure it is. Your grandmother probably sang it to you while you went to sleep. Wind it again, you’ll remember.

[Cecily Strong winds the bottom] [music playing] [Cut to the storekeeper]

I beefed one,

they hired me for dancing, then I beefed one

it was oh, [Cut to everybody] so very long and not a brief one

because I beefed one

Now this whole fancy party knows my name

Cecily Strong: Wait I do know this.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Storekeeper]

Cecily Strong and Storekeeper: I gave them quite a scare

when I jumped up in the air

and out a fruity rooty came

Storekeeper: I knew you knew it.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle Mooney: I’m sorry if you’re eating

but my tights just took a beating

Everybody: And now I fear I’ll never dance again

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: I farted.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Hello.

Kenan Thompson: I was just passing by and heard ‘Fancy party”.

Everybody: Did you hear the news how I done farted?

Now the party has sadly been departed

because I farted

That’s just how it goes.

Kyle Mooney: Wow.

Cecily Strong: That’s good.

Storekeeper: Memories.

Kyle Mooney: I’m glad you didn’t sing, honey. You would have messed it up.

Emily: Sing it again.

Cecily Strong: Let’s do it.

[Cecily Strong breaks the music box trying to wind it]

oh! No! Did I break it?

Storekeeper: What have you done?

Kyle Mooney: Honey, what have you done?

Cecily Strong: It wasn’t one of a kind, was it? Surely there are more.

[Everybody are staring at Cecily Strong]

Please, please.

[Cut to Kenan coming up front to camera]

Kenan Thompson: And that’s The Twilight Zone.