Best Christmas Ever | Season 44 Episode 9

Wife… Cecily Strong

Husband… Matt Damon

Wife’s family members… Aidy Bryant, Beck Bennett, Mikey Day

[Starts the video with decorated Christmas tree][Cut to other Christmas decorations][Cut to the title of the video ‘Best Christmas Ever’][Cut to fireplace in the house][Cut to husband sitting on a couch at night. His wife joins him and sits beside him]

Wife: Okay, kids are finally asleep. All right, what is there left to do? Dishes?

Husband: Already done.

Wife: Oh, my god, you are an angel. So did you have a Merry Christmas?

Husband: Are you kidding me? That was the best Christmas ever.

Wife: Really?

Husband: Babe, I had a smile on my face from the moment I woke up.

[Cut to past early in the morning, kids open the door and enters the room. Husband and wife are sleeping]

Kids: Mom! Wake up! [Kids start to jump on the bed] It’s Christmas! Wake up. Wake up.

[Cut to night stand clock that shows 5:41 in the morning. Husband looks at the clock.]

Husband: Oh, my god! Are you [Bleep] kidding me?

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: I think I was more excited than the kids.

Wife: I know, I was the same way.

[Cut to husband and wife sitting on a couch at day time. Kids are yelling.][Cut to kids opening presents below the Christmas tree.][Cut to husband and wife tired and annoyed.] [Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: They liked their presents, Right?

Wife: Dana loves her playhouse. You weren’t up too late building it, were you?

[Cut to husband struggling to put the playhouse into place. It doesn’t work out, so he kicks the house.]

Husband: [Angry] This is [Bleep]! Piece of [Bleep]!

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: No. It was a breeze.

Wife: My family didn’t ruin your day, did they?

Husband: No, I love that we hosted this year.

[Cut to husband opens the door welcoming his wife’s family.]

Husband: Merry –

[Cut to Beck and Aidy complaining and getting inside.]

Beck: Traffic was awful!

Aidy: Three hours!

Beck: Whoa, you gained weight! [Laughs] [Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Wife: Are you sure?

Husband: Honestly, babe, they made my day.

[Cut to kids annoying husband. Husband is on the floor, and kids are jumping on him and yelling.][Cut to Cameron coughing. Husband notices him.]

Husband: Hey, Rach, is Cameron sick?

[Cut to Cameron smiling with his running nose.] [Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband:  I can’t believe your cousin made the drive.

Wife: I know. It was so nice to see him.

Husband: Yeah.

[Cut to Mikey sitting next to Aidy on a family dining table with his Trump’s “Make America Great Again” hat.]

Mikey: Why do I have to take it off? Why?

[Cut to wife sitting across the table.]

Wife: Because it’s my dinner table, in front of my kids!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: You’re racist against whites!

Wife: What?

[Cut to Mikey and Aidy]

Mikey:  You’re racist against whites!

Aidy: She is.

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: How about you, the hostess with the moistest? Taking care of everybody? How do you do it?

Wife: I guess I was just full of Christmas cheer.

[Cut to Wife slurring a glass of wine in the kitchen with Aidy.] [Cut to Wife slurring a glass of wine in the kitchen alone.] [Cut to Wife smoking cigarette outside with a glass of wine.] [Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: Well, I had a perfect day.

Wife: Me too.

Husband: This is going to sound corny, but [Cut to kids arguing] I don’t know if it was you and the kids – [Cut to husband hugging his daughter, daughter is crying] [Cut to husband hugging his daughter, daughter is crying]

Husband: [Cut to husband hugging his daughter, daughter is crying] You’re not adopted. She’s not adopted. Why would you call her that?

Husband: Or the family being here— [Cut to family dancing. Beck stands and farts at husband’s face] [Cut to Husband opening his present. His present is slippers that look like feet of a bear.]

Husband: [Cut to Husband opening his present. His present is slippers that look like feet of a bear.] But I definitely felt some Christmas magic today. [Kids are looking at their father to see his reaction.] Absolutely love them! Come on, guys. [Kids hug their father.]Thank You, guys. Thank you, guys.

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Wife: Best Christmas ever?

[Husband puts his legs on the table. He’s wearing his bear feet slippers.]

Husband: Best Christmas ever.

Kids: Mom! He’s in my room! Get out!

Husband: I’ll go in there. [Husband goes to his kids.]

Weekend Update Trump Calls for End to Mueller Probe | Season 44 Episode 8

[Weekend Update intro playing]

Narrator: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in the news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at the left top corner] Well, this week Robert Mueller released the teaser trailer for “Trump: End Game”[Picture changes to a picture of cover picture of a movie. It mimics “The Avengers End Game” movie] . Federal prosecutors said Friday that [Picture changes to Donald Trump on the left and Michael Cohen on the right] Michael Cohen committed two election-related crimes at the direction of a person identified as “Individual-1”. Now, we don’t know for sure who Individual-1 is. But let’s just say things are pretty tense right now over at Individual-1 tower.[Picture changes to a tower that says “Individual-1 Tower”, mimicking “Trump Tower”]

Earlier today, Trump called the Mueller Report [Picture changes to Trump’s tweet] “Collusion Illusion,” Which is also my favorite Guns N’ Roses album. And yesterday Trump tweeted [Picture changes to another tweet by Trump] with no context or explanation—“Totally clears the President, Thank you.” Sounds like somebody has been reading “The Secret”. By the way I don’t blame Trump  for thinking that his tweets have magical power. I mean, just this week his tweets about China were able to tank the entire stock market. But at some point if every single person you hire gets indicted, the odds are you have something to do with it. I mean [Picture changes to friends of Trump as elves] if all of Santa’s Elves and all of Santa’s Reindeer got busted by the Feds, you would not expect Santa to tweet [Picture changes to made up tweet by Santa] “Totally clear for Christmas, thank you”.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right tope corner] Trump is now calling for an end to the Mueller probe which I got to admit, is worth a shot. I mean, you don’t want to go to jail and then find out you could have just called it off the whole time. The scariest thing about watching Trump be president is that he tries all the things that I would try. [The picture changes to a tweet by Donald Trump] President Trump also tweeted that he will be doing a major counter report to the Mueller report. Well you better hurry up, bud, because you only get one hour a day on that prison computer. Also, nothing says you’re guilty more than making a counter report before the Mueller report is out. It’s like watching “Cops” and as soon as they pull off the house, there’s already a shirtless guy on the lawn saying, “Okay, first of all, she’s lying.”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Kelly on the left top corner] President Trump said that John Kelly, his Chief of Staff is leaving the position at the end of the year because Kelly requires extensive surgery to remove [Picture changes to John Kelly with face palm] his palm to his face. [Picture changes to Trump at left and John Kelly at right] That’s how awful it is to work in the Trump White House. John Kelly spent 40 years in the Marines, he did three tours in Iraq and he couldn’t finish one tour with Donald Trump.

Trump also announced that he his Attorney General nominee will be [Picture of John Kelly changes to William Barr] William Barr who served as Attorney General from ’91 to ’93. A reboot of someone with the last name Barr who was big in the early ‘90s? What could go wrong! [Picture changes to Matthew Whitaker] Barr would replace Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker, who previously served as The Body Suit for Krang.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump] And memorial services for former president George H.W. Bush were held this week. Many observers said that president Trump looked bored. But I think he was just getting an idea. He  was thinking, “Wait, maybe before the whole Mueller report comes out, I should just fake my own death and escape to the last place anyone would ever look for me—[Picture changes to Donald Trump with Mexican hat and a mustache] Mexico.” And you know that Trump will be the first guy to ever fake his own death [Picture changes to made up tweet my Donald Trump that says “I’m dead. Sad!”] via tweet.