Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood 2019

Eddie Murphy…Mr. Robinson

Damien…Mikey Day

Mikka…Heidi Gardner

Patrick…Chris Redd

[Mr. Robinson opens the door and enters the room]

♪ It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor. ♪

♪ Could you be mine ♪

[Comes downstairs, opens closet & hangs his coat & puts on a yellow jacket]

♪ Would you be mine ♪

♪ I am gone for good but it’s now all right my neighbors are all black but now they white ♪

[Sits on the bench, put shoes on]

♪ So the check cashing place turned into a bank ♪

♪ And the stairs they don’t stink ♪

♪ The white people came and changed everything ♪

♪ But I am still your neighbor.

[Looking at the camera while tying his shoes]

Mr. Robinson: Hey, boys, and girls.

It’s your old pal Mr. Robinson. So much has changed since we last spent some time together.

My neighborhood has gone through so much.

It has gone through something called gentrification. Can you say that?

It’s like a magic trick. White people pay a lot of money and then poof!

All the black people are gone.

But where do they go, boys and girls?

Back to where they come from, of course.

Atlanta. now it’s just me by myself.

You’re all probably wondering how Mr. Robinson can afford to live in this neighborhood.

That’s the word of the day.

[Walks up to ‘Squatter’s Rights’ board]

Mr. Robinson: Squatter’s rights. It’s like finders’ keepers but for other people’s houses.

[Doorbell rings. Eddie Murphy looks excited. Walks up to the stairs, waves at the camera to come]

Mr. Robinson: Who could that be?

Let’s go see, boys and girls.

[Mr. Robinson standing at the door yells]

Mr. Robinson: Who is it?

[Damien speaks from the other side of the door]

Damien: It’s Damien and Mikka from 7 f.

[Mr. Robinson looks at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: Damien and Mikka are my new neighbors.

They paid $1.2 million for an apartment where Mr. Robinson’s friend used to cook crack.

Let’s see what they want.

[Eddie Murphy opens the door]

Damien: Hey, Mr. Robinson. Sorry to bother you.

We ordered a new 72-inch Samsung TV and they say it was delivered, but it’s not in the lobby.

We were wondering if you knew anything about that.

[Mr. Robinson looks at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: Don’t worry, boys and girls. Mr. Robinson knows just what to

say in situations like this.

[Mr. Robinson yells at Damien & Mikka]

Mr. Robinson: You think I stole your TV cause I’m black?

Damien & Mikka: No! Of course not! [Puts hands on the face & act embarrassed & surprised] [Mr. Robinson looks at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: It always works, boys and girls.

Damien: We would never do that.

Mikka: Yeah, no. We’re asking everyone. Not just you.

Damien: Yeah, I’m sorry we gave you that impression.

Mikka: Yeah & we’ll get out of your hair.

[Damien & Mikka slowing walking back]

Damien: Yeah, so, if you see the tv, let us know.

Mikka: Oh, and we would love for you to come to our holiday party.

[Mr. Robinson yelling at Damien & Mikka. Shuts the door on their faces]

Mr. Robinson: Why I want to come to your holiday party?

[Mr. Robinson pans back at camera & smiles]

Mr. Robinson: Can you believe the nerve of them boys and girls?

There is a special word for that.

[Walks downstairs. Pick up the remote to turn on the TV] [RACIST shows up on the TV screen. Next to the TV, plenty of opened Amazon delivery boxes.]

Mr. Robinson: Racist. They weren’t being good neighbors at all.

[Puts down the remote. Someone knocks on the door]

Mr. Robinson: Excuse me, boys and girls. It’s more visitors. [Looking at the camera] [Starts yelling at the door]

Damien, I didn’t take your TV and you can’t prove nothing!

[Patrick speaks from behind the door]

Patrick: I’m not Damien, sir. My name is Patrick.

Mr. Robinson: I don’t know no damn Patrick!

Patrick: I know that but did I a DNA test and they said you’re my father.

I just want to meet you.

[Mr. Robinson looks surprised]

Mr. Robinson: Boys and girls, there is a new company called 23 and me.

And because of them, 23 people now say their father is me!

[Turns to the door and yells]

Mr. Robinson: Be right there!

[Pans back at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: That’s my cue, boys and girls. I have to go tell police there

is a strange black man banging on my door.

[Walks up to the window on the left side of the room]

Until we meet again, ♪ tomorrow, tomorrow ♪

[Slowly climbs out of the window]

♪ I’ll come back home tomorrow when my kid is not here ♪

[Waves at the camera & close the window]

♪ Goodbye, boys and girls! ♪

Weekend Update: Trump Running While Impeached

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump on left top corner.]

After yesterday’s vote approving articles of impeachment, president Trump could become the first president to face impeachment while also running for re-election. Because only democrats could figure out a way to lost twice in the same year.

[Picture changes to Jerrold Nadler]

The judiciary committee chairman Jerrold Nadler, who was accidentally CGI’d to look both like Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro, appealed to republican’s on the committee saying, “When Trumps time is passed, how will you be remembered?” Remembered? I barely know who you are now, and I think you’re my congressman. I hate you break it to you but the only way Americans ever remember a congressman is if he sends someone a picture of his penis. And we only remember that, because his name was [Picture changes to Anthony Weiner] Weiner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump in right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump set personal record on Thursday when he reacted to impeachment news by posting more than 100 tweets, causing White House officials to ask, “Is everything okay in there, sir?” I don’t get why Trump is so worked up. I mean, it’s still going to take two-thirds of the senate to vote him out of office. And that’s not going to happen, because, well, take a look at the senate. I’d be like if Obama got voted out of office by the Wu-Tang clan.

But look on the bright side, democrats. Now you know, you can cheat. Why are you nerds still playing by the rules? Literally nothing matters anymore. Kamala dropped out, because she ran out of money. Rob a bank! Do you want this or not?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Manchin on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Democratic senator Joe Manchin, who wants to you ‘Keep the change, you filthy animal’, said that he’s very much torn about the whether or not he would vote to remove Trump from office. Yeah, based on this photo I really don’t think he’s that torn. If you asked me to draw a Trump supporter from memory, this is what I would draw.

[Picture change sto Donald Trump]

Trump also announced his plan to sign executive order that would reclassify Judaism as both nationality and a race. So, now, if someone accuses Trump of being racist, he can say, “Um, my daughter is in an interracial marriage.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and George Washington in right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new poll, 37% of republicans say that Donald Trump is a better president that George Washington. Now, okay. That sounds ridiculous. But then, I remembered George Washington owned slaves, so I guess I would say Trump is better than that? it’s just not a really fair comparison. Like, Colin, Colin. [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che] Okay. Who do you think is a better comedian? You or Bill Cosby?

Colin Jost: Okay. I see to your point. Thanks.

Michael Che: No, no, wait! Don, give me a split screen, please.

Colin Jost: You don’t have to do that.

[Cut to split screen with Colin Jost at the left and Bill Cosby at the right.]

Michael Che: Okay, audience. Who makes you happier? Bill Cosby or Colin Limbaugh Jost. It’s hard to say, right?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che.]

Colin Jost: Merry Christmas, Michael.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Greta Thunberg at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After the cli–

Michael Che: The answer is Bill Cosby, by the way.

[Colin Jost laughts]

Colin Jost: After the climate change activist Greta Thunberg was named time’s person of the year, the Trump campaign posted a picture of Trump’s head pasted on Thunberg’s body. In case anyone wondered that would he look like if Donald Trump got that Al Roker surgery.