Weekend Update- Sidney Powell on Being Sued by Dominion

Michael Che

Sidney Powell… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Sidney Powell tried to dismiss a lawsuit against her by dominion voting systems saying no reasonable person would believe her. Here to explain herself is Sidney Powell.

[Sidney Powell slides in] [cheers and applause]

Sidney Powell: Oh. Hey, Michael. Do you like my little bolo tie? It’s from the western wear section of Talbot’s.

Michael Che: It’s lovely. So, it seems like you’re in a lot of trouble. I mean, back in November, you went on TV many times and you said you had absolute proof that Dominion voting machines were rigged to steal the election from Donald Trump.

Sidney Powell: Fake news.

Michael Che: I’m just repeating what you said.

Sidney Powell: No. I meant me. I am fake news. According to my lawyers, nothing I say should be taken seriously. isn’t that just confusing? I’m kind of a mystery. You hear the name Sidney Powell and you think I might be an esteemed older black gentlemen like Colin Powell or Sidney Poitier. And yet, here I am, a white lady dressed like Fred Flinstone’s mother in law.

Michael Che: And now you’re getting sued?

Sidney Powell: Oh, cheese and rice, Michael. I’m gonna beat this lawsuit, okay? I come from tough stock. My Meemaw was a proud southern woman from North Carolina. And my Peepaw was a wild turkey. Okay? I’m gonna release the kraken.

Michael Che: What is that?

Sidney Powell: The kraken is an ancient sea monster but in this case, the kraken is a 65 year old woman who keeps a sack of Southern Living magazines in the back of her toilet.

Michael Che: So you’re not worried about the lawsuit?

Sidney Powell: Not a bit. Okay, actually, I am honored to be in the same company of other folks sued by Dominion. Patriots like former crackhead, turned king of pillows, Michael Lindell. And former king of New York turned crackhead Rudolph Giuliani.

Michael Che: You serious?

Sidney Powell: Michael, does this face look like I’m lying?

Michael Che: You look like the joker. And what you’re saying is probably liable.

Sidney Powell: Well, you know what they say. You can’t call it liable if it’s all jible-jable. And you can’t it slander if it sounds hoo-loo-loo-loo.

Michael Che: Nobody says that.

Sidney Powell: Michael, let me ask you a question. Did you build an ark? Cause the great flood’s coming, okay? And you are just up to your neck and water going, “Oh, where’s all my animals?” And there I’m on a big old boat holding your dog and I’m like, “Later, skater.”

Michael Che: What are you talking about?

Sidney Powell: I’m talking about the kraken, son. Okay? She’s gonna ride you hard and put you away wet coz when this kraken comes out, you’re gonna be walking with a limp, okay? All that’s gonna be left of you is Air Jordans just smoking and Colin Jost’s gonna be like, “Where’s my friend Michael Che? Where’s my friend Michael Che?” Cut to me just holding the flame thrower. Hoo-loo-loo-loo.

Michael Che: I have no idea what you’re saying.

Sidney Powell: Okay. So, what you’re saying is I’m crazy and no reasonable person would believe me? Ha! Case closed. Defense rest. Sir, you walked right into that one. But you did.

Michael Che: Sidney Powell, everybody.

Weekend Update- National Puppy Day and Black Muppets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on March 23 and a puppy at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tuesday was national puppy day. Unfortunately, at Subway. [picture changes to a Subway sandwich. There’s a dog’s tail hanging out of the sandwich.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Wallet returned to woman after 70 years.]

Michael Che: A school at Virginia is returning a wallet to a woman 70 years after she lost it in the school gym. “Well, how do you like that?”, said a black man still in jail for stealing it.

[picture changes to a realdoll]

The makers of realdoll are saying that within 10 years they will be able to make walking, talking sex dolls with real emotions. Just what I wanted. A sex doll that walks into the room and says, “So, what are we?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sesame Street logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sesame Street has introduced two new black muppets to help explain racial difference to children. Which begs the question, “Are these muppets white?” [picture changes to the old muppets. They’re all colorful.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hmm. A Goldman Sachs executive has bought Jeffery Epstein’s former upper east side mansion for more than $50 million. Man, if those walls could talk, I bet they’d commit suicide they got the chance to talk.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a new yellow Pepsi at left top corner.]

Colin Jost:  Pepsi announced a new Peeps flavored soda for Easter. It’s perfect for Easter because it will make your digestive system say, “Jesus Christ!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of candles at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Miller Lite is now selling bar scented candles including one called “Dog Bar”. For preview of the smell, miss the toilet for a week.

Weekend Update- Bowen Yang on the Rise of Anti-Asian Hate Crimes

Colin Jost

Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Across the country, rallies are being held to condemn the rise of anti-asian hate crimes. Here to share resources on how you can help is asian cast member, Bowen Yang.

[Bowen Yang slides in] [cheers and applause]

Bowen Yang: Hi. Wait, is that my official title? Asian cast member?

Colin Jost: That’s how you told me to introduce you.

Bowen Yang: Yeah, I set your ass up. Feels good. Hi, everyone. So, things for asians in this country have been bleak for the past two weeks and all weeks before that since forever. But there’s a lot of work to do and I found some posts online with action items everyone can take to help.

Colin Jost: Oh, right. I’ve seen those on Instagram, like, list of places to donate to?

Bowen Yang: Yes. And here are some that I found super helpful. “Six ways you can check in on your AAPI friends and tell them they’re so hot.”

Colin Jost: Is that real?

Bowen Yang: Yes. Um, guess people just want to help us anyway they can. Here’s a list of something I’ve seen a lot of activists post. “Amplify these asian voices who want more Paneras in north Brooklyn.”

Colin Jost: That’s really something that asian communities are concerned about?

Bowen Yang: Yeah, it is for the ones in my neighborhood. Okay, fine. Here’s something that we can all do. “Call your senators and demand that they know about the lesbian characters in Sailor Moon!”

Colin Jost: Bowen, no offense but this is actually helpful to all asians?

Bowen Yang: Ugh. Maybe. I don’t know, Colin. Okay? Maybe. What could I say to help how insanely bad things are. If someone’s personality is ‘punch an asian grandma’, it’s not a dialog. I have an asian grandma, you wanna punch her. There ain’t no common ground, mama.

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s tough.

Bowen Yang: I mean, I see my friends donating and I tell them that’s great. But then I also tell them do more. Like, okay, you’re ordering from some Chinese restaurants, great. Do more. Let me know when you feed your white kids chicken feet. You cried during Minari? Congratulations. I was sobbing into my boner for Steven Yan. Do more. Why are you telling me that you tipped your manicurist well? Let me know when you get on your knees and scrub her feet while she looks at your phone. Do more.

Colin Jost: You’re right. I should do that.

Bowen Yang: Yeah. You should, specifically. I can’t address any of this without bringing class or gender or imperialism. I don’t even want to be doing this Update piece. I wanted to do my character – gay passover bunny. But it’s too smart for the show.

Colin Jost: It’s too smart? It was 20 minutes long.

Bowen Yang: Whatever. You’re scared. I’m just a comedian. I don’t have the answers. But I’m not just looking for them online. I’m looking around me. The GoFundMe for Xiao Zhen Xie, the grandmother who fought back against her attacker raised $900,000 which she immediately gave back to the community. That’s where we are as asians. Now, come meet us there. In Mandarin there is a cheer goes – “Chya Yo”, which basically means fuel up. I don’t know what’s helpful to say to everyone, but that’s what I say to myself. Fuel up. Do more. It’s the year of the metal ox, which basically means a car. So everyone, get in, buckle up. It’s no pee breaks. We ride at dawn, grandmas.

Colin Jost: Bowen Yang, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Biden Calls for Gun Control

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Biden falling on stairs at left top corner.]

This week kind of felt like Biden on those stairs. You thought it had to get better then it repeatedly got worse. In the wake of the Colorado and Atlanta shootings, President Biden called for universal background checks for gun purchases and background checks are great start. But shouldn’t we also do current checks? Like, what are these guys are up to now? How much Call of Duty are they playing? Have they recently DM’ed a girl “Hey” 30 times? Or how about this? If you want a gun, the gun store has to talk to at least five people from your life who agree it’s a good idea for you to have a gun? It’s really not that much to ask. You got to list three references on an application to work at Foot locker. And republicans, please stop pretending this is a second amendment issue and just admit you love guns more than people you don’t know. I mean, these are your political ads. Look at them. You look like you’re running for president of ISIS. If you actually cared about the second amendment, you’d also care about the well-regulated militias part, and I don’t know if you noticed when they almost hung you two months ago, but our militias aren’t super well regulated.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just bought a gun last summer when all those white kids started talking about getting rid of the police. [laughing] President Biden gave his first press conference which lasted over an hour. Wow, shout out to Fixoent. [picture changes to Fixodent toothpaste.] At the conference, president Biden was asked if he plans to run for reelection at 2024 which is probably the nicest way to ask him if he plans on being alive in three years.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at a podium at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pictures appear online of president Biden reference detailed cheat sheets during his press conference and we actually have an exclusive look at one of them. [picture changes to a paper where it’s written “You = Joe Biden”] I gotta say, it’s easy to make fun of Biden’s cheat sheets but they worry me a lot less than Trump’s cheat sheets. Do you remember those? There were some real one. “Missile launched from N. Korea – will take care of it.” Next one. [picture changes to a paper where it’s writte “Alcaida”] Alqaeda written as Cicada. And of course this classic, “I want nothing, I want nothing, I want no quid-pro-quo.” Which I think were rap lyrics from the “Legally Blonde” musical.

After Biden’s first press conference, conservatives keep saying that he media is spinning everything to make Biden look good. But I think that’s ridiculous. And I would just like to congratulate Biden on how well he did the worm down those stairs.

[cut to video of Joe Biden walking up the stairs and falling] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of logo of democrats at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Some democrats are demanding the senate put an end to filibuster rule which some call a Jim Crow Relic. Also a Jim Crow Relic, some senators.

[picture changes to map of Virginia]

Virginia has become the first state in the south to abolish the death penalty. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some white women to whistle at.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Mitch McConnell seen here authorizing the vet to put his kids dog to sleep, he said that he’s open to the discussion of the gun control laws but what he’s not attracted to is something that doesn’t work. And you know he’s attracted to something because his neck pouch will inflate.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mark Zuckerberg an Instagram logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a congressional hearing, Mark Zuckerberg confirmed that he was creating an Instagram for kids. Wow! An app filled with pictures of just kids? What could possibly go wrong?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During an interview on Fox News, Donald Trump lied about January 6 capitol riot saying that supporters were not attacking officers but were instead hugging and kissing police. But I’m not surprised that Donald Trump can’t tell the difference between kissing and assault.

Spring Break Game Show Cold Open

Cece Vuvuzela… Maya Rudolph

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Poots… Ego Nwodim

Lego… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV Spring Break live at Miami beach where the party don’t stop until the government mandated curfew. Next stop, it’s the number one game show for hot infectious singles – “Snatched! Vaxed! or Waxed!”

[cheers and applause] [cut to Cece hosting the show]

Cece: Yes. Whoo! What’s up? Oh, what’s up, you guys? I am your host Cece Vuvuzela. I am here at beautiful Miami beach during global pandemic. We are so close to the end. Let’s ruin it! Okay, guys. When I say fourth, you say wave. Fourth!

Contestants: Wave!

Cece: Let’s go! Whoo! Today, three contestants will try and guess if our hidden lovely ladies are snatched – meaning the physique be right and tight, vaxed – and they got the anti-bodies-yadi-yadies, or waxed – a.k.a. smooth like a seal. That’s weird. Our equally important qualities. Ready boys?

Kyle: [excited] Oh, hell yeah!

Beck: Born this way.

Chris: My homie got me the vaccine two years ago. So, I’ve been straight for a minute.

Cece: Why don’t we meet our first covid cutie?

Madison: Hi, I’m Madison. I go to the university of high school where I major in home room. I’m here in Miami to either get covid or get laid.

Cece: Um, that’s good. Don’t let the pandemic change your priorities, right? What do you think, boys?

Kyle: That’s the voice of a girl with a small hard body if you please, ma’am. So, I’ma say snatched.

Beck: That sounded like a girl I hooked up with earlier today, so based off that I gotta say waxed.

Chris: Yo, she sounds like she’s down for anything crazy. So, I’ma say she got vaxed.

Cece: Tell em’ your deal.

Madison: I’m on Florida Adderal, man! So yeah, I’m snatched.

Cece: Oh, you guessed correct which means the two of you are headed to club Syph. With a capacity of 2,000, this place is literally on fire every night. Just make sure you go on before 10 because that’s when the cops stop firing pepper balls into your face.

Madison: Oh, pepper ball sounds fun. Let’s go do one.

[Madison and Kyle leave]

Cece: Snatched, Vaxed or waxed is brought to you by Spirit Airlines. “$10 flight to Miami. Don’t worry, we keep the windows open.” And AstraZeneca. “We put the ass in vassine”. Let’s meet our next hottie with the body.

Poots: Hey, I’m Poots and it’s technically not my spring break because I’m still going to Zoom school to be a therapist. Um-hmm, yeah, sorry sir, but you crazy. I’m gonna be a doctor.

Cece: Umm, what do we think, boys?

Chris: She sounded smart, so I gotta go with waxed.

Beck: I know she don’t want herpes, so I’m gonna say vaxed.

Cece: Uh-uh, neither of you guessed correctly. So, Poots is headed out on a date to the Versace Murder Steps all by herself.

Poots: I don’t wanna go there.

Cece: It’s not optional. Enjoy Miami. Let’s meet our final pandemic princess.

Lego: What’s up? I’m Lego and I actually can’t wear a mask coz it irritates my cold sores. So, I am anti-vaxed and anti-max. But I am laxed.

Chris: What are you saying?

Lego: I’m in laxed place.

Chris: Okay. You know what? She made a point saying she’s anti-vaxed. But I think she’s just flirting. So, I’ma say vaxed.

Cece: Oh, no, come on. You guys know no one partying in Miami is vaxed. [siren] Oh-oh, you know what that siren means.

Beck: [wearing his police vest] I’m actually a cop and that siren means I’m on duty now.

Cece: No. It means we take a shot and keep the party going. Please welcome people’s cousin Leopard.

[starting the party. Chris and Lego start danging]

Chris: Alright, alright, everybody out. Everybody out. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Cece: Oh, no, smoke bombs. That means they’re closing the bridges. We gotta go. I am Cece and it was all worth it. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

NFTs

Professor… Kyle Mooney

Janet Yellen… Kate McKinnon

Eminem… Pete Davidson

Dr. Dre… Chris Redd

Janitor… Jack Harlow

[Starts with college professor and Janet Yellen speaking to a class]

PROFESSOR: Wow, Secretary Yellen, it was an honor to have you with us today

JANET YELLEN: Well, Professor, it was my pleasure to speak to aspiring economists.

PROFESSOR: Do we have time for one more question?

JANET YELLEN: Hey, I don’t have anywhere to be

PROFESSOR: All right, anyone have a question? Come on guys, the U.S. Treasury Secretary is right next to us. Uh, yes, you, young man?

[Musical intro. It’s the music from the song “Without Me” by Eminem.] SLIM SHADY: Two Silicon boys were talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside

JANET YELLEN: Okay, so what is your question?

SLIM SHADY: Two Silicon boys were talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside

JANET YELLEN: Yeah, I heard you the first time.

SLIM SHADY: Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Now what the hell’s an NFT?
Apparently, cryptocurrency
Everyone’s makin’ so much money
Now please explain what’s an NFT
I said what the hell’s an NFT?
It’s like real-life Monopoly
Everyone is doin’ it like Gronkowski
Can you please help me make an NFT?

PROFESSOR: Son, I didn’t understand a word you just said.

SLIM SHADY: Thanks!

PROFESSOR: That is not a compliment

SLIM SHADY: Hah! I disagree.

JANET YELLEN: I actually see what you’re saying, young man. Um, we are aware of NFTs, and there are currently—

[There’s Dr. Dre from the movie “Matrix” sitting in the class.]
  1. DRE:Excuse me. I can break it down for you

PROFESSOR: Excuse me, are you Morpheus from the Matrix film series?

  1. DRE: No, but I do have pills if you need some. The thing about NFTs is
    (Verse 2)
    Non-fungibles
    GIFs of Ron Funches eating Lunchables
    Or pics of Colin Jost’s face, very punchable
    Digital images of Digimon doin’ scrimmages
    Or a pic of a nun with a Nintendo Switch
    Dictionary with a pic of Fat Jerry
    I made it last night and now I got $3,000
    And now I can buy me a GIF of Peter Griff-In
    crossin’ up all-star ballers, who are taller

    Look at these if you please
    Supreme Court Justice Chuck E. Cheese
    Bam Margera in a Mini Coop with Master Splinter
    Amy Klobuchar and Adam Driver having dinner
    SLIM SHADY: Hey, here’s a Thanos that twerks
    For 24 million, it could be yours
    And the prices go up and down, you see
    So that explains an NFT

JANET YELLEN: Okay, well, that was just a list of complete nonsense, but you’re not totally wrong. Can anyone here expound on that a bit more eloquently? Anyone? What about you, man with the mop?

JANITOR: Who, me? Well, I wasn’t really paying attention, but if I had to explain NFTs, I’d probably say this:

(Verse 3)
Hey, here’s the thing about NFTs
It’s a non-fungible token, you see
“Non-fungible” means that it’s unique
There can only be one, like you and me
NFTs are insane
Built on a blockchain
A digital ledger of transactions
It records information on what’s happenin’
When it’s minted, you can sell it as art
And this concludes my rappin’ part
Motherf—–

JANET YELLEN: Wow, that’s pretty much what I would’ve said, so thank you.

JANITOR: You’re welcome

JANET YELLEN: I don’t know if this is too forward, but I actually have tickets for UFC 260 if you guys wanna come.

SLIM SHADY, DR. DRE, JANITOR: Aw hell yeah. No doubt.

JANET YELLEN: Great

(Outro)
SLIM SHADY: Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na
Na na na na na
Nerds!

Maya Rudolph Monologue

Maya Rudolph

Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Lauren Holt

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Maya.

[Maya walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Maya: Thank you. Thank you so much. It makes me so happy to be here in the place that I love. I can’t tell you. Specially after a year that has been, shall we say, a real kick in the clam. But it feels like we’re starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. You know? People are getting the vaccine. My parents got their’s. I’m really happy to report that. It’s spring, so, goodbye sweater weather, and hello leather weather? Some of you may know me because, well, I used to work here. And some of you may know me by the name Mommy, because I gave birth to you. I have four incredible kids and they’re all here tonight. Don’t make me cry. And just a heads up to my kids, tonight mommy’s gonna put on a lot of wigs, okay? And do a lot of weird voices, so it’s just gonna be like a typical day at home. I’ll just be wearing a bra. My kids are actually really huge fans of the show and having them here in the place where I grew up is so special. And it has me thinking about the new kids in the cast are starting out. And I feel like it’s my duty as an elder to impart to them the lessons I’ve learned on the stage. So, can I get the new cast out here? Send them out.

[Andrew, Punkie and Lauren walk to the stage]

Lauren: Hi, Maya. We’re so excited to have you here.

Maya: I know you are, baby. Come close. Mama won’t bite. Band, can you play some music to talk to babies too? [lullaby music playing] Let me tell you something. I am a big fan of all of you. You people are so talented, so unique. And I remember all your names. [pointing at Andrew] Chirpie, [pointing at Punkie] Little Deedee and [pointing at Lauren] Chalisto Vagina.

Lauren: Well, that’s not my name.

Maya: Please don’t talk. Now, I started on this show back in the year 2000. How old were you on the year 2000, Chirpie?

Andrew: Five.

Maya: You know what? Get him out of here. Get the hell out. [securities take Andrew away from the stage] So much better without Chirpie, isn’t it, girls?

Lauren: I guess.

Punkie: Absolutely.

Maya: Now, back in my day, things were a lot different. Let me see if I can remember. It was so long ago and my brain is a little foggy. Because I’ve been electrocuted one too many times.

Punkie: What?

Maya: Yes, my toaster keeps falling into the bath. What can I say? I like hot baths and I like hot toast. Let me tell you about the cast back then. See, I was the shy one. I was so nervous, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. Oh, but Rachel Dratch, she was the princess. She was so perfect with the red hair and all the freckles. But she just did “16 candles”, so she had a lot of heat.

Lauren: She did?

Maya: Zip it. Now, Jimmy. Oh, Jimmy was the bad boy. Always strutting around in his jean jacket and his fingerless leather gloves. He was 100% trouble and 100% hot stuff. And the jock? Oh, he was none other than Mr. Emilio Estevez.

Punkie: Um, are you talking about the breakfast club?

Maya: Quiet! Now, Lorne. Hah, Lorne. He was the principle and he made us coming on Saturdays as punishment. He always said, “Don’t mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns. And I’d get so nervous, I’d just shake may hair and make my dandruff fall over my papers. You know, like, snow.

Lauren: Okay. That’s Allie Sheedy.

Maya: Oh! Oh, Calista. I hope you’re funny because you’re very stupid. The point is, we became family. Then right at the end, Jimmy punched his fist in the air and everything froze. And hundreds of names just scrolled all over his face. [singing] La-la-la-la-la. Then he did bride-maids. Some of the details are a little hazy. The point is no matter how tough things get, you kids are gonna be alright. We’re all gonna be alright.

All: Yeah!

[singing]

la-la-la
la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la

Maya: We’ve got a great show. Jack Harlow is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Kamala

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Doug Emhoff… Martin Short

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Ella Emhoff… Chloe Fineman

Raphael Warnock… Kenan Thompson

Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: And now a message from the vice-president of the United States.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Good evening, America. I’m vice-president Kamala Harris. This has been a difficult year for all of us but I really do feel that we are about to see some light. And what better night to celebrate a new beginning than Passover? Or as my adopted people call it – Pesach. That’s why it’s time for … [music playing] A Kamala Harris Unity Seder. Tonight, we’ll be asking four questions. How’s school? Did you eat? When are you giving me grandchildren? And what’s with that haircut? And I cannot have all by my lonesome. So help me host this, I’d like to introduce my rock, my everything, my Semitic smokes show, my step baby daddy, Doug Emhoff. Get on out here, sexy.

[Doug Emhoff walks in] [cheers and applause]

Doug Emhoff: No, I can’t do this. I’m too shy. I’m just a shy entertainment lawyer.

Kamala Harris: Oh, come on. No, Doug. All you have to do is pretend it’s just us, baby.

Doug Emhoff: Oh. [romantic music playing. Doug Emhoff holds Kamala Harris from behind.] Well, I just want you to know– Listen to me, girl. I support you. Every time you look around, it’s so good to be there for you, honey.

Kamala Harris: Oh, you better be.

Doug Emhoff: But time to time, you’re gonna look around and I’m not going to be there.

Kamala Harris: Oh no.

Doug Emhoff: But that’s just me telling you – “You got this, baby!”

Kamala Harris: Oh, the support. You’re my load-bearing wall. You hold up my roof. And you’re always on top of my basement.

[doorbell ringing]

Doug Emhoff: Strangers? I don’t like strangers. They frighten me.

Kamala Harris: It’s alright, babe. Our first guest is here. In the spirit of Pesach, I reached across the aisle. Joe Biden gave me a list of republicans to reach out to and I’m starting at the bottom.

[opens the door. Ted Cruz walks in with a tray of cookies.]

Ted Cruz: You started at the bottom and now I’m here.

Kamala Harris: Welcome to my home, Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz: Well, hey. I’ve never been to a Jewish dinner. So, I brought some Israeli flag cupcakes. I’ve got a ton of these left over from C-PAC. And I got some pinks in the blanket.

Kamala Harris: Well, we can’t have pork or bread. So, thank you.

Ted Cruz: Ay, by the way, somebody scraped the crap out of Prius in your driveway. No idea who did it. Probably my daughters. Definitely wasn’t me. My only crime is loving too much and sedition.

Doug Emhoff: That’s my Prius, but it’s all good.

Kamala Harris: Ted, may I ask what’s going on with your hair, hun? I see serial killer on the side and bait and tackle stop owner in the front.

Ted Cruz: Well, in the honor of Passover, I had my haircut done by a moyle.

[music playing. Ella Emhoff suddenly walks in like walking on fashion show ramp.]

Ella Emhoff: Shalom to the children.

Kamala Harris: America, Ted, meet my beautiful and supremely talented step-daughter, Ella Emhoff.

Ted Cruz: Boy, boy. So, what am I looking at here?

Ella Emhoff: Am I breaking your eyes? Good. You may think I look insane but I assure you I’m the most normal looking girl in Bushwick. Mama list every month so I while I’m serving lukes.

Kamala Harris: Aw, thank you, Ella. You’re really elevating this seder.

Doug Emhoff: So put out the gefilte fish.

Ella Emhoff: Okay, dad. All this is going on my mood board because Issa-bibe.

[music playing. Ella Emhoff walks out like on the fashion show ramp.] [doorbell ringing]

Kamala Harris: Oh, let’s see who’s at the door. [Kamala Harris opens the door. Raphael Warnock walks in with a bottle of wine] Well, it’s reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.

Raphael Warnock: Alright. Shalom, y’all. Jon Osoff told me to bring some man-a-shevitz.

Kamala Harris: So, how are things going in Georgia?

Raphael Warnock: Oh, you saw “Roots”, right? That’s how it’s going in Georgia.

Kamala Harris: Well, we need to make sure we keep Georgia blue for the next presidential election. And the one after that.

Raphael Warnock: Well, that won’t be easy. They’ll do everything they can to keep black people from voting. We wouldn’t vote on anything if they had their way. Not even American Idol. Jennifer Hudson would have been knocked down in the first round. Jennifer damn Hudson, y’all!

Kamala Harris: No! Not J-Hud!

Raphael Warnock: Right? Oh! Raphael spies a boiled egg. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna have a nosh.

Kamala Harris: You get that egg, senator! Alright, go for it, reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.

[doorbell ringing]

Doug Emhoff: Who could that be? Elijah?

Kamala Harris: Good one, sweetie.

[Joe Biden lets himself in]

Joe Biden: Hey.

Kamala Harris: Hey, it’s Joe Biden. How are you, Joe Biden?

Joe Biden: Hey, folks. Did y’all catch my press conference? So easy. A lot of critics thought I wan’t mentally prepared enough but [reading his cheat sheet] I think I proved them all wrong. Oh, Kamala. I’m not sure if you heard but I’m putting you in charge of solving the immigration problem down at the Mexican border.

Kamala Harris: Yes. I did hear that. Wow. Thank you for the opportunity. Such a fun solve a problem. And what are you in charge of?

Joe Biden: Moi? Giving out checks. Who wants steemies? Whoo! Ha-ha. Make it rain.

Kamala Harris: Oh, Joe Biden. Oh, and guess what? I got a little Passover surprise for y’all. [Kamala Harris walks out and brings in a German Shepard] Here he is. Come on here. That’s right. That’s my dog, Major. He’s back from being retrained. It’s all better now, aren’t you, Major? Sweet pooch.

[Major growling]

Kamala Harris: Thank god we can all hangout and that we’re all vaccinated. Isn’t it great?

[Major jumps on Doug Emhoff. Doug Emhoff is trying to get rid of him.]

Ted Cruz: Thanks to president Trump, operation [Doug Emhoff grunting].

Kamala Harris: I don’t know about that. Did you catch my press conference, Ted?

Ted Cruz: Yeah, I did. Boring. I switched over to ice road and trucker’s marathon.

[the dog runs out and Doug Emhoff escapes]

Doug Emhoff: Thank god, something spooked that hell hound.

Kamala Harris: Well, it’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene getting in through the window]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s looks pretty swanky for ANTIFA headquarters.

Kamala Harris: Marjorie, why didn’t you just knock on the door?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, no. Ever since January 6, I’ve only been entering dwelling insurrection style. I don’t trust doors. Door’s what’s destroying this country. I’ll only enter rooms through HVAC ducts, windows and SURR systems.

Kamala Harris: Doug? Honey, a word?

[everyone leaves and it’s only Kamala Harris and Doug Emhoff]

Doug Emhoff: What baby? What?

Kamala Harris: Baby I’m worried this unity thing is splitting everybody apart.

Doug Emhoff: Shh, come on. There’s a Passover seder song called Deyenu, and the refrain is it would have been enough. And if you’re just vice president–

Kamala Harris: On no, that won’t be enough.

Doug Emhoff: Okay. I want you. I want you. I want your lips.

Hot Ones

Sean Evans… Mikey Day

Beyonce… Maya Rudolph

DeMichelangelo… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Agent… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: “Hot Ones”, the show where celebrities answer hot questions while eating even hotter wings.

[Cut to the show]

Sean: Hi, I’m Sean Evans. I’m joined today by royalty Grammy winning recording artist, actress and icon, Deyonce Knowles-Carter. It is truly an honor.

Beyonce: Yeah, I know.

Sean: Like, I cannot believe you’re on hot ones.

Beyonce: I feel you. I can’t tell if this is beneath me. But my sister, Solange loves this show and said I’d have fun. So…

Sean: Well, I’m glad she did. So, we can start with a mild wing here.

Beyonce: Mild? Come on, now. I’m from Texas, baby. This girl can handle her wings. Let’s start with this one right here.

Sean: Okay. Yeah. Let’s do it. Let’s do it. [showing the chilly sauce] This is Hitler’s anus roasted reaper sauce with the scoville rating of 135,600.

[both eat the wings]

Beyonce: [looking nervous] I don’t love that name but the wing look good.

Sean: Alright. You said in the 26th Vanity Fair article that as a child, being on stage set you free. Can you talk more about that?

Beyonce: Well. I was a shy kid. Umm… this is good, by the way. Spicy, though. But when I got– Whoo! Okay. This wing came correct. It’s very hot. I’m good though.

Sean: Okay. You have some ice water and milk there if you need any.

Beyonce: I’m not gonna drink big fat glass of milk on camera. That’s not a good look for Beyonce.

Sean: Yeah. Milk isn’t like, a sexy drink. I’m sorry. Now, there’s a lyrics in Bills, Bills, Bills. Are you okay?

[Beyonce is sweating all over her face]

Miss Knowles-Carter, are you good? Beyonce?

Beyonce: [spooky voice] Sorry, I’m good. Your girl’s throat just closed up for a second thought. Let’s do the next wing.

Sean: Okay. Are you sure?

Beyonce: Definitely, boo.

Sean: Okay. Alright. Next up, we have the Devil’s Diarrhea Scorpion sauce, scoville rating of 676,000.

[both eat the wigs]

Yeah, good, right? So, after the Destiny’s Child’s performance at the 2016 Super Bowl, fans speculated a possible–

Beyonce: Oh, damn!

Sean: Um, is there any chance–

Beyonce: [screaming] Ah! Sorry, what?

Sean: Um, is there any chance of reunion?

Beyonce: [screaming] Ooh! Kiss my ass! I’m sweating. Beyonce’s head is wet. Damn, this wing is recking me. I need to hydrate. [drinking water] Oh, this isn’t helping. Damn, water makes it worse. Oh lord, why is it worse? [starts drinking milk] Got my ass drinking milk now. Room temp milk? For real? Oh, Solange in trouble now!

Sean: Is Destiny’s Child reunion something you’ve thought about? No! No! Don’t touch your eyes!

[Beyonce is wiping away her tears with her hands]

Beyonce: I know that now, you bald ass bitch. Oh, my whole head is on fire. Where is my hair stylist? DeMichelangelo, come to my side.

DeMichelangelo: Yes, B.

Beyonce: Argh! I need you to take my wig off, put six ice cubes on my head, then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But B, you on camera.

Beyonce: I don’t care. Take my wig off. Put six ice cubes on my head then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But I don’t have my wig gloves. I might grease the hair, B.

Beyonce: Do it now or I will stomp you to death.

DeMichelangelo: Yes. Of course, B. Oh my lord, I’m doing a wig pop with my bare hands. Oh Jesus, help me.

[trying to take Beyonce’s wig off]

Ego: Hey! Hey! Hey! Bald man, do not film B taking her wig off. No. Not gonna happen.

Sean: We can always edit it out.

Ego: No. Doesn’t matter. I don’t want the footage to exist. B, you good? Oh, she’s good. Continue.

Beyonce: [her hair is all messed up] I’m alright. I’m alright. Proceed.

Sean: Okay. Can you talk about the origin of this ‘now iconic’ move?

Beyonce: I forget.

Sean: Oh really? You don’t remember where it came from at all?

Beyonce: Dude, it’s taking all my concentration to keep from blowing out my pants on you Junkie ass show.

Sean: Okay. So, you need to stop?

Beyonce: Beyonce don’t quit. You have any more sauces out there?

Sean: There are six.

Beyonce: Oh, hell no. Get my agent out here. Tod, shut it down.

[Agents walk in shutting down the show]

Agent: Okay, folks. This never happened. Yeah? I need all footage and audio files destroyed. If you leave here without signing an NDA, you will be shot. Okay?

Choreographers

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Lauren Hault

Richard Perquest… Kenan Thompson

Tania Katank… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Beck passing the news to the dance crew]

Beck: Okay dancers, gather around. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but just when we got the clear to go back in the rehearsal, our choreographer tested positive for covid. Turns out you can get it from kissing.

Chris: Okay. Well, Fauci should have said that.

Lauren: Not to worry because I’ve found a last minute replacement. While Jenet is in quarantine, please welcome our new choreographer, Richard Perquest.

[Richard Perquest walks in limping.]

Richard Perquest: Thank you. Thank you very much. Good morning hoopers. I am Richard Perquest and I am honored to do anything I can to help broadway get back to it’s dancing feet. So, I hope you’re ready to sweat, jump and stretch.

Beck: Wait. Donna, I’m so sorry. I thought I was supposed to hire the choreographer. I hired Tania Katank.

Richard Perquest: Did you say Tania Katank?

[Tania Katank walks in]

Tania Katank: He sure did. And is that Richard Perquest? No, no, no, no. Tania Katank doesn’t work with Richard Perquest.

Richard Perquest: Oh contrary, it is Richard Perquest that does not share the stage with Tania Katank. Not anymore.

Lauren: Wow. Sorry for the mix up. But I guess we’ll go with Richard since he was here first.

Tania Katank: What? Are you serious? He’s a hack, he’s a quack and he’s got a bad back.

Richard Perquest: Excuse me. You cannot talk to me like that. Do you seriously think that you are a better choreographer than me?

Tania Katank: Does this answer your question? [dancing] Ba-ba-ba-ba-cuk.

Richard Perquest: Alright. That is it, Katank. May I speak to you in private by that big water bottle?

Tania Katank: Um, the water cooler?

Richard Perquest: No, by that big bottle of water.

Tania Katank: That’s a water cooler.

Richard Perquest: I don’t care what it is. Just meet me there.

[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk to the water cooler]

Tania Katank: What?

[romantic music playing]

Richard Perquest: [holding Tania Katank’s shoulders] I miss you. I want to be with you.

Tania Katank: You do? You want to be with me?

Richard Perquest: Yes. I made a huge mistake. I miss your skin, your bones, your hair and your eyes. I want to be with you.

Tania Katank: Oh. Like, when I used to go into the garden with no shorts on and bend over to pick carrots and you’d see everything?

Richard Perquest: Yes. Show it to me again. I want to be with you.

Beck: [looking confused] Okay.

Chloe: Are we on break? Because it seems like we’re on break.

Beck: No. We’re not on break. Mr. Perquest, Ms. Katank, have we come to an agreement?

[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk close holding their hands]

Tania Katank: Yes. We’ll do it together.

Lauren: Well, we can only pay one of you.

Tania Katank: Then the deal’s off.

Richard Perquest: what?

Tania Katank: You heard me. Katank takes care of Katank.

Richard Perquest: Jesse-belle.

Andrew: Are we dancing today or not? Because I want to show off.

Richard Perquest: May I see you by that black end window?

Tania Katank: The what?

Richard Perquest: The black end window.

Tania Katank: You mean the chalkboard?

Richard Perquest: I don’t care what it is. Just meet me there.

[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk to the chalkboard] [romantic music playing]

Tania Katank: What?

Richard Perquest: I need to be with you. I need to be all over you.

Tania Katank: You do? All over me? Everywhere?

Richard Perquest: Yes. I want to be on you like food on a plate.

Tania Katank: Like when I used to go into the chicken coop without my skirt and I’d bend over to talk to a chicken and you could see everything?

Richard Perquest: Yes. Show it to me now.

Tania Katank: No. Alright. No. I’ll show you just a little bit of it.

Lauren: No. Please don’t do that.

Beck: It would be great if one of you would just start choreographing the show.

[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk near holding hands]

Richard Perquest: I will do it and I will give the money to her.

Tania Katank: Why? Because you’re the man? Forget it, Perquest, you sexist. The deal’s off.

Richard Perquest: What? May I see you by that picture of JonBenét Ramsey?

Tania Katank: That’s not JonBenét Ramsey. That’s a poster of Anne.

Richard Perquest: I don’t care who it is. Just meet me there.

Chris: No! We are not gonna let you ruin our show because you two can’t resolve your differences.

Richard Perquest: Fine. You want to see a dance? I’ll show you a dance.

Tania Katank: Hah! Well, I can’t wait to see this.

Richard Perquest: Well, you’re about to see it. And this is the first count of eight. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the cap, tap the foot, pop the hip, pop the hip, point the toe.

[Beck’s jaw is dropping]

Tania Katank: Again! Do it again.

Richard Perquest: My pleasure. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the hat–

Tania Katank: Wait, wait. Not so fast. Bring me with you.

Richard Perquest: With pleasure. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the hat, tap the foot, pop the hip, pop the hip, point the toe. Come on everybody. Let’s save the broadway. [everyone joins him] Five, six, seven, eight. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the cap, tap the foot, pop the hip, pop the hip, point the toe.

Lauren: This is bad, right?

Beck: Very.

Richard Perquest: [to Tania Katank] Now, will you show me everything?

Tania Katank: Everything.