Colin Jost
Pete Davidson
Norman Reedus
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Over a 15 million people tuned in to the hit zombie drama, The Walking Dead this past Sunday. Here to give us a spoiler free recap of that big season 5 finale is our own resident young person, Pete Davidson.
[Pete Davidson slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Pete Davidson: Hey, Colin.
Colin Jost: How is it going, Pete? So, now, what did you think of this big Walking Dead finale?
Pete Davidson: It scared me, Colin. It scared me bad. I’m kind of like freaking out right now.
Colin Jost: You are? Well, just take it easy. I mean, it’s just a show.
Pete Davidson: Is it? Or is it a glimpse of our near future? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I don’t know if you know this, but sometimes I smoke a little weed.
[Cut to Pete Davidson an Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Oh, yeah, yeah. We know. Because we have noses.
Pete Davidson: Ah! Then you see my problem. [Cut to Pete Davidson] The zombie apocalypse is coming and odds are I’m gonna be stoned when it happens. Especially if it happens during the hours of day time or night time. So, this is not gonna go well. First off, it will probably take me hours… for me to even notice what’s going on. I’ll be like, “Wow. Ms. Kar Michael from downstairs can’t keep her hands off me today. But hold up. Isn’t she like, 88? And hold up, didn’t she like used to have a jaw? And hey, remember jawbreakers? I love that candy. Candy, sugary sweet.”
[Cut to Pete Davidson an Colin Jost. Colin Jost is clueless.]
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And then what happens?
Pete Davidson: I don’t know. That’s the problem. I’ll probably be wandering around in search of candy and I’ll stagger in to like, some survivor’s camp, and then they’re gonna shoot me, Colin.
Colin Jost: No, they’re not gonna shoot you.
Pete Davidson: When I’m high, it’s really easy to mistake me for a zombie, you know? [Cut to Pete Davidson] My eyes are glazed and bloodshot. I’m sluggish. I’m hunched over and shuffling coz that’s how I walk normally.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Well, you know Pete, if you’re that worried about it, you could always just stop smoking pot.
Pete Davidson: I came to you for help, Colin. Alright? There’s a zombie apocalypse going on and you’re being a real ass.
Colin Jost: Well, I think you’re being kind of paranoid. And honestly, I have to ask, did you smoke a little before you came out here? Is that what happened?
Pete Davidson: [smiles] Maybe! Are you wearing three different kinds of hair product?
Colin Jost: Maybe. Listen, there’s nothing to worry about Pete. Okay? I’m sure you would never be mistaken for a zombie.
[Pete Davidson turns towards Colin Jost]
Pete Davidson: Really? You sure?
Colin Jost: Yes, sure. I’m positive.
Pete Davidson: Coz I’m like, really worried about it. I hope not–
Colin Jost: Absolutely. I think you’re totally fine.
[Pete Davidson gets shot by an arrow.]
Pete Davidson: Ouch!
[Norman Reedus walks in]
Norman Reedus: Don’t worry, don’t worry! [talking to Colin] You gotta be careful buddy, he was about to go for your throat.
Colin Jost: No, no, no. Daryl Dixon, he’s not a zombie.
Norman Reedus: Really?
Colin Jost: Ya.
Norman Reedus: What about this complexion? Ain’t no living thing got that color. And he’s so slow moving. I’m confused.
Pete Davidson: It’s just good weed, man!
Norman Reedus: So, wait a minute. You telling me I just shot an ordinary person?
Colin Jost: Ya!
Norman Reedus: Huh! What about that dude in the elevator?
Colin Jost: Where in the elevator?
Norman Reedus: Never mind.
Pete Davidson: I’d just like to point out that there’s an arrow in my chest. And I feel no pain coz this weed is fire!
Norman Reedus: You’re gonna be fine, buddy! Come on, walk it off.
Pete Davidson: Ay, you’re the dude from The Boondock Saints!
Norman Reedus: And you’re the dude who’s gonna show me where that weed is. Come on!
Colin Jost: Yeah! Pete Davidson and Norman Reedus, everyone!
[Pete Davidson and Norman Reedus leave]