Secret Word with Kristen Wiig

Grant Chaod… Kenan Thompson

Lyle Round… Bill Hader

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Isabella Lolacopolla… Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with GSN channel program schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Quiz Pigz, but first, Secret Word.

Announcer: it’s time to play the game the stars play. Secret Word, with your host Grant, Choad!

[Cut to Grant Chaod]

[cheers and applause]

Grant Chaod: Welcome to Secret Word. I am Grant Choad. It’s such a thrill to be taking over as a new host of this show, and to be America’s first eve black game show host. I think it happened because I auditioned over the phone. Over the phone. For those of you who are missing the previous host, Lyle Round, he recently retired Palm Springs and sent us this pre-recorded message for his fans.

[Cut to picture of Lyle Round]

Lyle Round: I’m sorry I’m not there. I stopped wanting to be. Alright!

[Cut to Grant Chaod]

Grant Chaod: Thank you, Lyle. Enjoy your retirement. Okay, why don’t we meet our celebrities? Our first guest is a regular on this show and is best known for a work on the broadway stage. Please welcome, Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson comes in dancing]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hello. Hello. When I’m not doing this, I’m waiting to do this.

Grant Chaod: Oh, Mindy. You look amazing as always.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Melissa]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Grant. I lubed my lips with margarine and I’m wearing scotch tape on my temples to hold my face up.

[Grant Chaod laughing]

Grant Chaod: Terrific. Well, we’re very lucky to have our next celebrity. She is the Italian star of such movies as ‘Il Bastardo’ and ‘La Vida Pizza’. Please welcome Italian bombshell,Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in]

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s so good to be here. Oh, my god, look. [Mindy Elise Grayson holds a puppy] Look, my little Bambino followed me out here. [to puppy] Why you no listen to me, hah? Go home. Go. You want more than I can give, baby. Come on. Go.

[The dog runs out]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Well, that chihuahua really loves you. I can’t say that I blame him.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, [slaps Grant Chaod] watch your mouth. I’m sorry baby, I love you, don’t be mad at me.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Oh, you’re an emotional jack in the box. Let’s begin the game. Mindy, are you ready?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, yes. Just let me do my vocal warm up. Tanya told the teacher that the preacher didn’t touch her. La, la, la. The preacher told the teacher that he simply couldn’t reach her. Let’s play.

Grant Chaod: 10 seconds on the clock, Mindy.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Branch’.

Mindy Elise Grayson: [thinking] Alright. Alright. Look at me. This one’s easy.

Grant Chaod: Remember Mindy, do not say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I think I’ve played this game enough to know the rules. I know. You’re new but I’ve got this covered. Branch.


Mindy Elise Grayson: Hah! She said the secret word, huh?

Bobby: Oh, okay. Just relax!

[Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, you, be a man.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, um, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, I did. I did. It’s the actress in me. I see a word and I bring it to life. Just like I did in the play “She Stoops to Concord: The Story of a Legless Grape Picker.” [acting] Mama! Mama! I picked all the grapes. Could someone throw me on the truck? Why didn’t you tell me I didn’t have legs?

The New York time said, “Bad!”

Grant Chaod: Alright. Let’s go over to Isabella’s team. Isabella, are you going to give or receive?

Mindy Elise Grayson: I will give until there’s nothing left to give.

Grant Chaod: Oh! Well, that will cook my spaghetti. 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Bird.’

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s Bird. [buzzer] Hey, what’s the matter with you, huh? I tell you what it is and you sit there like a donkey in the square.

Bobby: I’m sorry. Just please don’t hit me again.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! But I want to. [Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Isabella, you said the secret word. I can’t give you a point. Well, Mindy, I guess it’s your turn again.

Melissa: Maybe you should receive this time?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! The last time I received was after a drunken night with producer Darryl Zanuck. Yes. He made me cover my face with one of Elizabeth Taylor’s publicity photos. I just wish there had been eyeholes.

Grant Chaod: Yeah, we don’t need a story every time. Let’s put 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is Floral.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Alright. Um, this is a nice word. It’s what you give on a opening night.

Melissa: Champagne?

Mindy Elise Grayson: No. It’s what you give the director for casting you in the show.

Melissa: A card.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah, right. I didn’t wanna get graphic. It’s when you undo his tuxedo zipper and sing into his pink friend.

Grant Chaod: What?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh! Wait. I got some hand creme on the screen. it’s Floral, not oral. I did oral.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, you said the secret word again. And you also said “Pink friend”

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yeah. I know I did. I blew it, yes, I did. Just like I blew all my lines in the musical, “Saimese Sally and the Pad Thai Clan.” Here’s the 11 o’clock number, hit it.

[music playing]

[singing] who’s hungry for spring rolls, Siam, Siam
who’s brining tom yums, Siam, Siam

Grant Chaod: Stop it! Stop that! We’ll be back after this message from our sponsor, Winston Baby Cigarettes. We’ll be right back.