New Military Weapon

Major… Simu Liu

Senator… James Austin Johnson

Secretary… Cecily Strong

Scientist… Mikey Day

[Starts with Madam Secretary and Senator visiting the military camp]

Major: Madam Secretary, Senator, thanks for making the time for us.

Secretary: Well, when you allocate $500 million of taxpayer money to develop a new weapon system, you find the time.

Senator: Yeah, we’re eager to see what you’ve been working on.

Major: Of course. My orders in heading this project were clear. Make America the technological leader in the battlefield. But Battlefield has changed, and so must our soldiers.

Secretary: Enough with the foreplay, Major. You’re gonna whip it out or what?

Major: Bit of a crude way to put it, but yes, yes. Imagine a soldier with undying loyalty, built in night vision, supersonic hearing, and the ability to track an enemy sent with Major5,000 times the accuracy of a normal human nose.

Secretary: You’re telling me you’ve made an AI driven robotic soldier with that kind of capability?

Major: Oh, even better. We made this.

[The curtain falls. There’s a guy with dog’s head.]

Secretary: Major, what am I looking at?

Major: Project Domino, subject MajorMajor9 C, also known as dog head man.

Secretary: You put a dog’s head on a human beings body?

Scientist: A dog’s head and neck, ma’am.

Secretary: Okay, and you want to send that thing into active combat?

Major: Oh, absolutely. Dog head man is an extremely well trained battlefield asset. In fact, he can assemble a Tech9 carbine combat rifle faster than any human soldier. Observe.

Scientist: And go dog head man.

[The dog head man can’t even assemble the rifle]

Senator: I just have one question major. Does this thing go to the bathroom on a toilet? Or does it go outside and you got to clean up after it?

Secretary: That’s your one question?

Senator: I think the American people would want to know.

Scientist: And time. [the dog head man has assembled the rifle.] 11 seconds. Good girl, dog head, man.

Secretary: Did you say good girl?

Scientist: Yes, it’s a female dog’s head on a human man’s body?

Major: Shall we begin prepping for mass production?

Secretary: Absolutely not. Where did you even get the parts to make this thing?

Major: Let’s not worry about that. I should also mention that dog had man is trained in over Scientist6 forms of hand to hand combat.

Scientist: I don’t know about you, ma’am. But if I saw this coming at me on the battlefield, if I saw this thing coming at me on the battlefield, I would drop my weapon and run away.

Secretary: Yeah. Well, of course you would. Look at you. Look, I’m sorry, but I don’t think the US military can get behind this project.

Major: How can you say that ma’am? Look at him. That is the finest soldier this country has ever produced.

Secretary: Really? Really major.? You think that thing can handle a high level mission? You think that they could’ve taken Bin Laden?

Major: Oh! Not only what dog head man have taken Bin Laden out. He would have eaten him too.

Secretary: Well, that’s the war crime.

Major: Oh, ma’am, I just don’t think you’re seeing the bigger picture here.

Secretary: I am. And it’s extremely disturbing.

Senator: Yeah, I have to agree. I have to agree. I’m not gonna sign off on this until I know where that thing goes to the bathroom.

Major: Look. If I didn’t believe this would save American lives, I would not have convinced my father to donate his body and his dog to this project. I mean, look what he’s doing right now. He’s defusing a bomb for God’s sake.

Scientist: Dog head man. Dog head man. He’s investigating his own body. It happens. Dog head man.

Secretary: While he’s still eating his sandwich?

Scientist: Good. Good, dog head man. Red wire. Good. He’s cutting the detonator wire first. Good.

Secretary: He’s just licking it.

Major: Ah, whatever. You guys went into this wanting to hate it. So, nothing we could say can change your mind. Guess we’ll close the project down and let China take the lead and dog head man soldiers.

Secretary: Whoa! Whoa! China is working on one of these? Well, why didn’t you say so? Get mass production started immediately.

Major: Oh, yes, ma’am. We’re gonna need to find a lot of animal shelters that look the other way.

White House 2018

Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

General… Kenan Thompson

Secretary… Sasheer Zamata

Jimmy… Kyle Mooney

Jon Rudnitsky

Ivanka Trump

Enrique… Beck Bennett

Taran Killam

[Starts with White House in 2018.]

Bobby: Well, Mr. President, you did it.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the oval office]

Donald Trump: Just like I promised, right?

[Cut to Donald Trump and the others]

Bobby: Half way through into your first term and prosperity is at all time high. [Cut to Bobby] In two years, you really made American great again.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: See? I told you. It is more than just words and the silly hat.

Donald Trump: First lady Melania is hundred% correct.

Melania Trump: Aw!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I gotta admit, you know, I didn’t think it could happen this fast. Everyone loves the new laws you tweeted.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Terrific. Just terrific. General, how are we dong in Syria?

[Cut to General]

General: Well, ISIS is completely eliminated, sir. The country is at peace. All the refugees have returned and they have great jobs as blackjack dealers in the Trump Hotel and Casino in Damascus.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So, everyone’s happy?

[Cut to General]

General: They’re so happy, Mr. President.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Madam Secretary, how is the situation in Russia?

[Cut to Secretary]

Secretary: Never better. After your face to face meeting, Putin has withdrawn from Ukraine. Believe me, he does not wanna be called a loser again. He cried for hours.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’m sorry. I just had to do that. Keep up the good work, you’re doing fantastic. Jimmy, how is the economy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Amazing, sir. Um, in the words of our new national anthem, it’s huge! After your tough negotiations with China, you are killing them on trade. They’re not borrowing money from us. I have no idea how you did it, sir.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you know what? I don’t have to get specific. With me, it’s just works, you know? It’s magic. It’s just magic. It’s always been that way my whole life. So, let’s just see what happens over here but I wasn’t sure what’s it all like.

Melania Trump: Yes, you know, it’s hard to be president because the White House, it’s the smallest place Donald and I have ever lived. You konw?

Donald Trump: True.

Melania Trump: But we made it work.

[Cut to Jon on the door]

Jon: Mr. President. Your daughter, the secretary of interior is here.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Perfect timing Ivanka. [Ivanka walks in] How is the White House has everything going and how are the renovations doing?

Ivanka: Actually, not surprisingly, we are ahead of schedule and under budget. The private swimming pool in Cabanas are already completed. And now if you’ll excuse me, today we are covering the Washington monument in gold mirrored glass.

Donald Trump: Wow. [Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump] That’s gonna look so elegant.

Melania Trump: Oh, like beautiful hotel.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: Mr. President, the President of Mexico is here to see you.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Send him in.

[Enrique walks in]

Oh!

Enrique: Donald!

Donald Trump: Enrique.

Enrique: I brought you the check for the wall.

[Donald Trump and Enrique hug out]

Donald Trump: Go on. It’s so wonderful.

[Donald Trump looks at the check]

This is far too much money. I don’t know–

Enrique: No, I insist! Consider it as an apology for doubting you. As history shows us, nothing brings two countries together like a wall.

Donald Trump: Well, I told you and it’s– I’m so proud of you. And changing Telemundo to all English for me, you changed that to all English, it’s a great thing.

Enrique: Of course.

Donald Trump: I am so proud of you.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: Mr. President, I am so sorry to interrupt but we have got a big problem.

Donald Trump: What is it?

Taran: It’s the American people, sir.

Donald Trump: What?

Taran: They’re just sick of winning. They’re winning so much. It’s just too great, sir.

Donald Trump: Look, I know how they feel. It’s exhausting. But that’s what really– I mean that is the price you have to pay. Winning is tough, it’s not that easy. If you think that’s how it’s going to be when I’m president, you’re wrong.

[Donald Trump walks to the camera and everyone else is blacked out.]

It’s going to be even better. I said to the writers of this sketch, “Keep it modest, okay?” It’s better to start with low expectations. That way you have no where to go but up.

[Melania Trump walks to Donald Trump]

Melania Trump: So, this election season, before you vote, dream. Dream of Melania for first lady.

Donald Trump: Wouldn’t she be a great first lady?

Male voice: This message paid for by The Melania for First Lady foundation. A Trump Organization Company.