Car Heist

Security… Kenan Thompson

Thief… Chris Redd

Hacker… Mikey Day

Mastermind… Kieran Culkin

Natalia… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Security doing rounds at night in automobile garage ] [he hears some noise]

Security: What the–? [turns his flashlight on. He sees a rope hanging inside the shop. As he’s looking around, Thief stands behind him and hits him on his head. He’s out.]

Thief: Sleep tight, old man. [talking in microphone] I’m in.

Hacker: And we’re in business. I’m gonna work on getting those security doors open for you. Shouldn’t be long now, boss.

Mastermind: Fantastic. I’ll let the client know. They’re in.

Natalia: Impressive, Mr. Knight. But my boss doesn’t pay you to get inside underground garage. He pay you to steal billionaires vintage Lamborghini. It’s there, yes?

Mastermind: Ghost, you got eyes on the prize?

Thief: Oh, yeah. She’s one bad bitch.

Hacker: Okay, Ghost, just bought you two minutes to get out of there. You’re welcome by the way.

Thief: Two minutes? I’m counting money in one. Let’s do this. [turns on the engine] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Whoo! [the engine shuts down]

Mastermind: Everything all right, Ghost?

Thief: Yeah. Yeah. This car like this is just like beautiful ladies. You just gotta know how to handle. [The engine doesn’t turn on] What the hell? [Security is laughing. He is tied up.] Oh, yeah, boss. I think we got a problem.

Mastermind: What’s going on, Ghost?

Thief: This car got an advanced driver system I’ve never seen before. I’m looking at three pedals here, shifter that goes up, down and sideways. This must be some new, new tech. I’m thinking military maybe.

Hacker: Sounds like it’s a stick shift?

Thief: A stick what?

Mastermind: Stick shift. Ghost, you can drive stick, right?

Thief: Bitch, I can drive anything,

Mastermind: Including stick?

Thief: Nah.

Mastermind: Ghost, I’ll walk you through this. Anything you don’t get, you say stop.

Thief: Cool.

Mastermind: Turn the car on and press the clutch.

Thief: Stop. You say clock?

Security: [Laughing hard] That boy said clock.

Thief: Shut up, old man.

Mastermind: Put the car in gear.

Thief: Stop.

Mastermind: No. We don’t have time. Now, press the clutch with your left foot, put it in gear, then press the gas with your right foot.

Thief: Stop. You want me to drive with two feet? Who you think I am? Fred Flinstein?

Hacker: Flinstein?

Thief: Did I stutter? Frederick Flinstein.

Hacker: 60 seconds.

Natalia: Enough. Mr. Ghost, it’s Natalia. I help, so listen. Yes?

Thief: Yes, man.

Natalia: Left foot clutch, right foot gas.

Thief: Done, baby girl.

Natalia: Press clutch, put in gear.

Thief: New.

Natalia: Then take foot off clutch.

Thief: Copy.

Natalia: And give gas.

Thief: Impossible.

Natalia: Then drag, it’s clear?

Thief: Nah. But let’s do this.

[He’s trying to go forward but the engine stops going just a little forward]

Hacker: You’re gonna have to go a lot faster than that, Ghost.

Thief: Good thing this baby has nitrous boosters.

Security: [laughing] That’s the trunk.

Hacker: Get out of there right now, Ghost. Or you’re dead, man.

Thief: Don’t you know? You can’t kill a ghost.

[Thief goes forward]

Security: He ain’t gonna make it.

[The car gets hit by the gate and gets stuck]

Thief: Ay, boss. We got a problem.

Weekend Update on New Security Measures in Parkland

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of kids wearing transparent bags at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The students at Stoneman Douglas high school face new security precautions including rule requiring everyone to wear clear book bags. Is that supposed to keep guns out? Nobody comes to school with a gun and their books. When a mailman goes postal, he doesn’t also finish his route.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a person spraining his ankle at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the master’s tournament, golfer Tony Finau sprained his ankle while celebrating a hole in one. So, no, golfers are not athletes.

[Picture changes to Australian flag and a knife]

A man in Australia who was stabbed in the back during a bar fight ordered another drink with a knife still in his back. And then by law, he became the president of Australia.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York city’s MTA had to suspend a subway train because someone smeared feces inside of a car. That sounds bad. But that’s also how amazing the subway system is in New York. You can see feces smeared inside and that still won’t be the last time you ride the subway. At most, you might switch cars. If you saw feces smeared anywhere else, you’d be like, “Well, I guess we don’t visit anymore.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whale at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that bow-head whales perform jazz-like improvisations when singing. Which explains why all the other whales hate them.

[Picture changes to a calendar and a bowl of noodles]

Wednesday was ramen noodle day but if you’re depressed enough, everyday is ramen noodle day.

American Girl Store

Jack Trask… Beck Bennett

Beth Runyon… Cecily Strong

Ben Hartley… Kenan Thompson

Thomas Dean… Mikey Day

Debbie Pritchard… Saoirse Ronan

Karen Kellers… Leslie Jones

Becca Simms… Heidi Gardner

Security… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Action News 9 At Five intro]

Male voice: Action News 9, News At Five, Eye on Phoenix.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon in their news set]

Jack Trask: Good evening, I’m Jack Trask.

Beth Runyon: And I’m Beth Runyon. Out top story, chaos at the Canyon Gallery at a shopping center today as an underground gas main exploded giving shoppers at the American Girl store quite a scare. Luckily, no one was seriously hurt.

Jack Trask: Action 9’s Ben Hartley is live at the Canyon Gallery in downtown Phoenix. [Cut to Ben Hartley] Ben, quite a scene down there today.

Ben Hartley: You can say that again, Jack. I’m joined by Thomas Dean and Debbie Pritchard. Two customers who were inside the American Girl store when the explosion happened. My first question, obviously, are you children okay?

Debbie Pritchard: Um, yes, my daughter’s fine. She’s in the car with her dad.

Ben Hartley: And you, Mr. Dean?

Thomas Dean: Um, I don’t have children. I had just briefly popped in to the American Girl store to buy a doll for someone else. It was not for me. It was a gift.

[Ben Hartley looks at Thomas Dean awkwardly]

Ben Hartley: Okay. Um, was there any warning? Was there any warning right before the explosion happened? What happened?

Debbie Pritchard: Oh. Well, I was in line behind Mr. Dean who was buying his doll.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] As a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And he was arguing with the sales person saying his doll’s hairstyle looks sort of sloppy and not of the period.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Yeah, and then the explosion happened. It was just like a boom!

Debbie Pritchard: Yes! Exactly. And I actually need to thank Mr. Dean because my last thought before the explosion was, you know, “This grown man is alone in a doll store screaming about his doll’s hairstyle.”

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] I barely raised my voice. I wasn’t screaming.

Debbie Pritchard: And I thought it was weird.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Not if it’s a gift, though. Not if it’s a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And I sort of instinctively hugged my daughter closer to me to protect her. And that actually saved her from some of the falling glass.

Ben Hartley: Wow! [looking at Thomas Dean] Well, thank god you were obsessed with your doll’s hairstyle, sir.

Thomas Dean: No. It was more that it was messy. Upper class girls in the 1920s were very put together. So I’m told. I was buying a gift. It was just so chaotic.

Ben Hartley: Yeah. I bet. Um, Jack and Beth, can you believe what you’re hearing?

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Jack Trask: No. I mean, it’s definitely his doll, right?

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’re joined now by representative of Canyon Rock gas, Karen Kellers. [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Karen Kellers] Thanks for speaking with us, Ms. Kellers.

Karen Kellers: My pleasure.

Beth Runyon: Now, should residents be concerned by this?

Karen Kellers: There’s no reason to panic. Just because a grown man collects dolls, it doesn’t mean he a predator.

Beth Runyon: Um, Ms. Kellers, I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. I was referring to the gas main explosion.

Karen Kellers: Oh, yes. That’s very bad.

Beth Runyon: Well, okay. Thank you, Ms. Kellers.

[Cut to Jack Trask]

Jack Trask: Let’s check back in with Ben down at the scene. Ben?

[Cut to Ben Hartley. He is with Becca Simms.]

Ben Hartley: Yeah, Jack, Beth, I’m here with another eye witness, Ms. Becca Simms, an employee at the American Girl store. Can you tell us what happened?

Becca Simms: Yes. I work in the cafe where the doll owners can eat with their dolls. I was setting up a table for the gentleman you were just speaking with earlier, Mr. Dean and his doll, Christine Somersby.

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: That wasn’t me. It was someone else.

[Thomas Dean runs out]

Becca Simms: No, no. It was him. He handed me a $20 bill and said, “Give us a table with a view. Christian’s new money. Not Trolly Trash.”

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: Then the explosion happened. Just like, “Boom.” Do you remember the explosion?

Ben Hartley: Yeah, can you explain that?

Thomas Dean: Oh! It was just like a loud “Boom” of no where.

Ben Hartley: No, the phrase ‘Trolly Trash.’

Thomas Dean: Oh! Um, in the 1920s in Christian’s era, prostitutes would look for customers on trollies. So I’m told. It’s just a gift. Oh my god! This looks crazy!

Ben Hartley: Alright, Beth, Jack, I’m seeing an emergency service worker here. [Ben Hartley walks to Security] Sir, can you tell us about the situation inside the store?

Security: Um, sure. I mean, luckily, we have no injuries except for this little lady we found on the ground. [Security shows a doll] [Thomas Dean runs in]

Thomas Dean: She’s gonna be on TV. She might as well have a hat.

[Thomas Dean puts a hat on the doll and runs out.]

It’s a gift.

Security: Uh-huh. But the structural damage is extensive. Right now, it looks like the American Girl store is gonna be closed for eight months.

[Thomas Dean runs in again]

Thomas Dean: Does that include a salon in the second floor?

Security: Whole building.

Thomas Dean: Ah!

[Thomas Dean walks out]

Ben Hartley: Well, thank you for talking with us. Jack, Beth, back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Beth Runyon: Well, quite an ordeal for those customers down there.

Jack Trask: Oh, he’ll be fine. There’s another American Girl store in Tempi.

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’ll be right back.

Drug Company Hearing

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Alex Moffat

Mrs. William... Octavia Spencer

Seasonique… Sasheer Zamata

Lunestra… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Beck briefing about the hearing] Beck: Alright, thank you all for agreeing to this hearing. Both of you understand that the decisions made today are legally binding?

Vanessa and Alex: Yes.

Beck: Okay. Mrs. Williams, you are filing a claim against your former employer, Merck Pharmaceuticals where you worked for the past 22 years.

Mrs. William: Yes, sir. I’m suing for intellectual property theft because they’ve stolen many of my ideas. And I am asking for $20 millions in damages.

Vanessa: That’s ridiculous. MR.s Williams worked in accounting. No one there is responsible for ideas.

Mrs. William: Sir, let me give you an example. IN December, 2004, this company created a drug called Seasonique. Well, back in 1997, I had a child. Please say hello to Seasonique. [Seasonique walks in]

Seasonique: Hello.

Beck: Oh, your name is Seasonique?

Seasonique: Yes, sir. My name is Seasonique Boniva Williams.

Mrs. William: That’s right. Seasonique was born on the one special day between spring and summer. She was seasonique. And that’s not the only example. This company has named dozens of their drugs after members of my family.

Beck: Mrs. Williams, I–

Mrs. William: Please call me Lyrica. That’s my name, but it’s also an anti-epilepsy drug.

Beck: That’s certainly interesting.

Alex: Please! We have a whole team that names our products according to years of research. This is clearly a coincidence.

Mrs. William: Oh, really? Let’s look at some other examples, shall we? Celexa.

Seasonique: That’s my cousin.

Mrs. William: Femara.

Seasonique: My other cousin.

Mrs. William: Eliquis. She lives down the way.

Seasonique: Over there.

Mrs. William: Cymbalta.

Seasonique: She’s trouble, but she’s fun.

Mrs. William: Um-hmm. Allegra. Now she does my hair, now she don’t have a shop, so I go to her house where she has a little baby name little Nicorette. So, you see sir, these people aren’t coming up with new drug names. They’re just flipping through the contacts of my phone.

Beck: Well, there does appear to be evidence here.

Vanessa: Sir, this is just payback. Mrs. Williams was recently laid off from Merck and she’s looking for retribution.

Mrs. William: You think so? Well, let me bring in one of my co-workers who’s still an employee there today. Come on, in.

Beck: And you are?

Lunestra: Lunestra. Lunestra Crestor Harrison. And I worked at Merk for 11 years. Back in 2009, I fell asleep on my computer keyboard, and two weeks later this company came out with a sleep aid called Lunestra. This company has taken the names of so many people in our neighborhood including my sister Propecia.

Seasonique: Or my nephew, Dayquil.

Beck: Huh! Well, I have to say that seems more than circumstantial.

Vanessa: Perhaps. But even if it was, there’s just no proof that having the same names as the drugs has caused the women any harm.

Seasonique: Really? You think it is nice to be associated with high cholesterol and erectile dysfunction?

Alex: Oh, that’s terrible. Sorry!

Lunestra: See? He knows this is the biggest corporate injustice since my aunt, Activia, worked at this yogurt company.

Mrs. William: It’s a travesty. [putting her hand over her chest] Oh, oh, I am sorry sir. I’m having a little episode. I need my Humira.

Beck: Oh, that’s fine. Can we get you a glass of water?

Mrs. William: No, Humira is my emotional support dog. She always calms m down.

Seasonique: You even stole her dog.

Alex: Come on!

Beck: Okay, alright. I have to say the evidence is overwhelming. It is my ruling that Mrs. William’s claim has merit. I am awarding her the full amount in damages. Thank you all.

Mrs. William: [cheering] So we get the money? I can finally put Tylenol through college.

Lunestra: I can’t believe they stole that from you too.

Chucky Chocolate

Octavia Spencer

Mike… Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Steve… Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Security… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Octavia talking to her staff]

Octavia: Circle up, everybody. Now, I wanna talk about what happened on Friday. Obviously that was pretty upsetting for everyone.

Mike: Yeah, just awful.

Vanessa: I’m still little shaken up.

Octavia: Well, suffice to say, Steve will not be working here anymore. I’ve been told he won’t even be allowed on the premises.

Cecily: Thank god.

Octavia: And I want to reassure you that this is an office where you can feel safe and comfortable.

[funny music playing] [Steve walks in with a cart]

What’s that?

Vanessa: Oh, my god! I think, Steve.’

Steve: Hey, hey, hey. Chocolate delivery. Here I am, your humble chocolate delivery man. Your most apology in the form of chocolates. You see? Fripples for all.

Bobby: Are you wearing makeup?

Steve: Just a little bit.

Vanessa: Steve, sweets are not gonna make up for what you did.

Steve: Oh, yeah? Well, here’s a question. [singing] Do you like chocolate lotto? With peppermint crump. du-du-du-du
Do you even like second chances? To a real sorry boy.

What do you say, guys?

Bobby: You shouldn’t be here, man!

Steve: Look, ha-ha-ha, I know I was a bit of a dick. It’s nothing that chocolates can’t fix.

Octavia: You came in with a gun, Steve.

Steve: [singing] Rocky road, lotto, chocolate chips, double dip

[trying to put a chocolate bar in Vanessa’s mouth] Ooh! Those are bars.

Vanessa: Get it off my face, please.

Octavia: How did you get pass security, Steve?

Steve: Steve? Steve? I don’t see Steve. I only see Chucky Chocolate.

Octavia: Chucky Chocolate?

Steve: Jackie Chocolate.

Cecily: No, you said Chucky.

Steve: Who cares? Get over it. I don’t know.

Aidy: Steve, you can’t be here. Okay? You grabbed Debby by the shirt and you screamed, “I’m seeing that chest for once and for all.”

Steve: Thick move. My bad. But in my defense,

[singing] Oh, chikidi-chocolate, the Chinese chocolate,
you have a pepper mint and your mouth start singing
ooh-yeah! Chocolate time for the lady.

Mike: Steve! Are you honestly so insane that you think free chocolates are gonna get you your job back?

[Steve nodding his head]

Octavia: Oh, my god! He just pissed his pants.

Steve: Ha-ha. You wish. [Steve’s pants are all wet]

Octavia: Steve, you need to get out of here.

Steve: Oh, and go to my desk? And start my day? Unpack my things and such?

Octavia: No. I just called security.

Steve: Oh! To escort me to my desk? So I can start my day? Unpack my things and such?

[the security walks in]

Oh, who’s this hungry boy? Chocolate, alright! [puts a chocolate in Security’s mouth]

Security: Hey! Come on! Let’s go.

Steve: Hey, can I just say one freaking thing? Nobody will let me even talk.

Octavia: Bitch, you’ve been talking the whole time.

Steve: Look, gang, I know I was a bit of a dick. But look at Mike, he’s going– dude, you’re being too hard on yourself.

Mike: No, I’m not.

Steve: If I had a gun, I’d blow your brains out, Mike. And that’s why I’m Chuckie Chocolate, the elegant chocolate man.

Obama 60 Minutes Cold Open

Steve Craft… Beck Bennett

President Obama… Jay Pharoah

Security…Taran Killam

[Starts with 60 minutes video bumper with a clock] [Cut to Steve Craft in his set] [cheers and applause]

Steve Craft: Good evening. I’m Steve Craft. Later in the program, Lara Logan talks to Jack Ma, founder of who just set a new record for the largest IPO. As well as the record of smallest face on the biggest head. But first, I sat down with President Obama for part 3 of our interview.

[Cut to video bumper] [Cut to Steve Craft and President Obama in an interview]

Steve Craft: Mr. President. Thank you for joining me.

President Obama: Well, it’s great to be here, Steve,

Steve Craft: Is it?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Not particularly. No.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Tell me Mr. President, do you think you underestimated the threats of ISIS?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Without question, yes. And obviously, my entire administration shares a blame for that. But first, could I throw a particular person under the bus?

Steve Craft: Sure. Go ahead.

President Obama: James Clapper.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Got it. Now, what in particular surprise you about ISIS?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Well, Steve, we underestimated their military, but most importantly we underestimated how effective ISIS would be at social media. They really blew us out of the water.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Will all due respect Mr. President, you had a historically effective social media campaign in President Obama008. How could you be worse in social media than a band of terrorist in a dessert in Syria.

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: [laughs] Steve, you don’t understand. These terrorists have nothing to do. They can be tweeting all day. And I’m talking peak hours between 11 am and 3 pm. When they can maximize favs as well as RTs, those are retweets. And man, these guys are shuttle. I mean, check out this tweet. [A tweet appears at the bottom of the screen] “Hearing cool stuff about Sharia law. I’ma check it out.” And then there’s a little emoji of a ghost with an eye patch. Or how about this one? [The tweet at the bottom of the screen changes] “Loving this new show ‘Selfie’ on ABC. P.S. can you believe Israel is still a state?” They’ve also started co-opting popular hashtags and trick folks into reading their messages of hate. For example, [Another tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “One day the Black Flag of ISIS will fly over the White House. #TheVoiceIsBack” Or this one. [The tweet at the bottom of the screen changes.] “We will destroy the infidels. #ThankYouJeter”

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: That is very underhanded. But at least the US air strikes in Syria have destroyed mot of ISIS’s oil refineries which were earning them millions a day in revenue.

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: That’s true. But they’ve made up for Kickstarter.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Kickstarter?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: That’s right. Apparently, every time we thought we were giving money to Zach Braff, it was really going to terrorists.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Wow. Well, at least they’re not on tinder.

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: You think that, wouldn’t you?

Steve Craft: No.

President Obama: Well, just look at this profile that CIA recently intercepted.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Why was the CIA on tinder?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: That’s not important. But you see this profile? [Cut to a male tinder profile.] Seems like a nice normal hunk, right? But look at his interests. It says very clearly. That is, “D.T.J”. Down to Jahad. [Cut to President Obama] I mean, luckily we were able to track him down via LinkedIn. Which is, it turns out, a whole separate terrorist organization.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: That actually makes a lot of sense. Now, Mr. President, much has been made of the correlation you have assembled. But it sounds like America is burying the brunt of this campaign.

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Hey, Steve. That’s just how we roll. We roll slow and deliberately. Almost like we have no idea what we’re rolling to. Then someone pushes us and suddenly we’re rolling straight down hill into oncoming traffic.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Finally, Mr. President, you made the point that ISIS and the Islamic faith are in no way connected. You still believe that?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Actually, I’m beginning to think there is some connection. For example, did you know that the first I in ISIS stands for Islamic? I mean, who knew?

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Mr. President, some of what you’ve said tonight is a little worrysome. That combined with the recent security breaches of the White House–

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Steve, Steve, Steve. We had problems with our secret service. But I promise you, we’ve taken care of it.

[A security walks to President Obama]

Security: Excuse me, Mr. President. There is a man with a sharp screwdriver to see you. We think that this might be time sensitive as he was running across the front lawn. You know what? I’ll just have him wait in the Oval Office.

[Security walks away]

President Obama: Well, Steve, I should probably go take care of that, right? But it was nice talking to you. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

The Impossible Hulk | Season 44 Episode 15

Dr. Bruce Banner… Idris Elba

Melissa Villaseñor

Security… Kenan Thompson

Impossible Hulk… Cecily Strong

Policeman… Mikey Day

[Starts with Dr. Bruce Banner in a shop. He finds a shirt at 50% off.]

Melissa Villaseñor: And your total was $208.45.

Dr. Bruce Banner: Sorry, did you say 208?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: And 45 cents, yes.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: The sign said it was half off.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Not this shirt. Just the stuff in that section.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Oh, it was in that section.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, then that was a mistake. [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] Somebody must have moved it.

Dr. Bruce Banner: Well, [Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner] I guess I’ll just get my money back.

Melissa Villaseñor: I’m sorry sir, we only offer [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] store credit. It’s store policy.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Oh, come on. That’s [Bleep].

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sir, I’m going to ask you to calm down and lower your voice.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Lower my voice. You’re trying to rip me off and I’m getting upset.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay, security.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: And you won’t like me when I’m upset.

[Cut to Security walks in]

Security: What’s the problem here? [Dr. Bruce Banner starts shivering] What the hell?

Impossible Hulk: Let go of me.

Security: Ain’t nobody even toughing you.

Impossible Hulk: I want my money back right now.

Narrator: While working at his lab located above a Torrey Birch, Dr. Bruce Banner was hit with gamma radiation in a failed experiment causing him to transform into an embolded white lady whenever he is provoked. He is the Impossible Hulk.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: I told you sir, the store policy is–

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: No, you’re being aggressive. I’m calling the police.

[Cut to Security]

Security: For what?

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

911: 911, what’s your emergency.

Impossible Hulk: Yes, hello, yes. I’d like to report an active aggression.

[Cut to Security and Impossible Hulk]

Security: We are literally just standing here.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: Now they are crowding me, I can’t breathe.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sir, just take your money back. It’s fine.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: No, do not rest me; do not try to silence me.

[Cut to Security]

Security: Oh, man. This dude is impossible.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk, she struggles and turns back to Dr. Bruce Banner.]

Dr. Bruce Banner: What just happened?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner walking in a hallway and then knocks on a door]

Ego Nwodim: What?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Can you please turn the music down? I’m trying to sleep.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: You are forever complaining. Why don’t you just move?

Dr. Bruce Banner: Look, I don’t want to argue. [Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner] I’m asking you to turn the music down or else.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim. Chris Redd joins Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Or else what couz?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Or else I’m going to get upset.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Get upset then. What’s up?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner shivering. He turns into the Impossible Hulk.]

Impossible Hulk: Let go of my arm.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Ain’t nobody touching your arm.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: What’s your name? And everybody’s name in there.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, dude. Calm down.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: I need your manager now.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: This is an apartment.

Ego Nwodim: Calm down.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: You will not get away with this.

911: 911, what’s your emergency?

Impossible Hulk: Yes, I’m being aggressed right now.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim]

Chris Redd: Aggressed? What is that?

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: I’m shaking and I’m in a lot of fear.

Ego Nwodim: Mr. Banner, [Cut to Ego Nwodim] we’ll turn the music down for real. It’s not a problem.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: Keep laughing. Keep laughing. You’re going to be in a lot—[She struggles and then turns back into Dr. Bruce Banner]

Chris Redd: Hey, you okay, bro?

Dr. Bruce Banner: I’m fine, I think I need a froyo.

Chris Redd: A froyo?

Narrator: Next time on the Impossible Hulk—

[Dr. Bruce Banner gets pulled over by a police]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Damn it!

Policeman: Yo, yo, yo, my man. Do you know why I’m stopping you?

Impossible Hulk: Because you’re an aggressive [Bleep] I’m filming you.

Policeman: FP drive safe.