Selena Gomez Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez.

[Selena Gomez walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Selena Gomez: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here. Growing up, I used to watch SNL every Saturday with my mom. Hi mom. This is a big moment for me. I actually started acting when I was seven and I’ve been lucky enough to work with some Hollywood icons from Steve Martin, Martin Short and of course, Barney.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, that’s me. That was the first show I was on. And now I’m on a show called “Only Murders In The Building”. [cheers and applause] I was so honored to work with Steve Martin and Martin Short, especially after I googled them to find out who they were. I remember telling my friend, I was cast in a show called Only Murders and she was like, “Um, it sounds sexy. Any hot co stars?” And I was like… “Depends. Do you love the banjo?”

All right, it’s cool vaguer out to SNL legends. And when I found out I was hosting, I immediately asked for their advice. Steve said trust no one. And Marty said “I think Steve Martin has been using my credit card.” I also asked one of my oldest friends Miley Cyrus, and she said, “Just be yourself and have fun.” I was like, “Miley, is that just an excuse for me to do an impression of you on the show?” And she was like, “Hell yeah, I’m Miley Cyrus.”

But one reason I’m really excited to host SNL is because I’m single. And I’ve heard that SNL is a great place to find romance. Emma Stone met her husband here. Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost. And Pete and Machine Gun Kelly. And since I don’t really want to try the dating apps, I just want to put it out in the universe that I’m manifesting love. And I would like to say that I’m looking for my soulmate, but at this point, I won’t take anyone.

Kyle Mooney: I’ll do it.

Selena Gomez: What?

Kyle Mooney: Be with you. Like you said, I’ll do it.

Selena Gomez: Oh, no, no. No, no.

Kyle Mooney: But you just said you’d take anyone.

Selena Gomez: Yeah, but I was just sort of joking. I just don’t really think that’s gonna be our journey. I’m sorry. Aren’t you married?

Kyle Mooney: Oh, yeah, that’s right. Okay, well, I still believe that I could find love with the right person.

James Austin Johnson: I’ll do it.

Selena Gomez: Oh, this is the new cast member Jeff.

James Austin Johnson: It’s James, but I’ll change it to Jeff if you want.

Selena Gomez: Well, aren’t you married also?

James Austin Johnson: Oh, right. Right, right.

Punkie Johnson: Excuse me. Come on, man, you gotta read the room. It’s a no, Jeff. Bye.

Selena Gomez: Thank you. Thank you.

Punkie Johnson: Of course baby. You know, I’m so sorry. These men out here harassing you, it’s just unacceptable, boo. You’re just out here doing your job, you know? Damn. But um, I’ll do it.

[cheers and applause]

Selena: Honestly, it’s kind of a vibe, but let’s see how the after party goes. Before we start the show, I just want to say how grateful I am to be here and I’ll admit I am a little nervous. But I just think back to those words of wisdom that one of my co stars would tell me before every show. I love you. You love me. We’re a happy family. You know it, with that great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won’t you say you love me too. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Post Malone is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.