Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a bridge at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A woman in California was injured after she fell 60 feet while trying to take a selfie from a bridge. Worse, she not long has a good side.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Melania Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: White House unveiled Melania Trump’s official portrait this week and it turns out she posed in front of same giant spider web that I did back in 5th grade. [Picture changes to baby Colin Jost.] [Picture changes to People’s magazine]
Well, it’s official. Barry Manilow is gay.
Michael Che: Official? [laughing]
Colin Jost: This story was first reported in the comment section of his YouTube videos.[Picture changes to a woman’s sillhoutte.]
An 28 year old woman in Romania has reported auctioned her virginity to a Hong Kong businessman for $2.5 million, which is the second worse thing someone has done for money this week. [Picture changes to Kylie Jenner’s picture from Pepsi ad.] [Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of rhino and Ohio state at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Officials at Cleveland zoo have announced that one of the critically endangered black rhinos is pregnant. Still no word on if she plans to keep it.[Picture changes to
New research shows that the first 59% of people on their chocolate Easter bunnies are the ears. While the rest are like, “Me and go straight for that butt.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Yahoo and Aol logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It was reported that Yahoo and Aol will combine to form a new company because no one wants to die alone. [cheers and applause] [Picture changes to manatees]
And Manatees. [One audience cheer hard] [Michael Che laughing] You own one? Manatees have recently been upgraded from endangered to merely threatened. So, for a limited time only, the McManatee is back. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.